i want you
constantly
when you scornfully declare
that you think about me
all the time
i bite my tongue
and clench my jaw
to keep back the gushing torrent
wild white water mustangs
my words tripping over each other
tumbling into the stony
barrier of my teeth.

how do i explain
or attempt to reconcile
that desperate
gaping
magnetic longing
when as your trusted
calloused hands
twice the size of mine
to protect me even when
i'm raging to be left bare
and ruined by myself
when those hands
seeking my supple body
those curves that keep you
returning unto the temple
that is my very self
and you peel away the rind
of my vestments to expose
the fruit waiting inside

and i cry

heavy searing tears
sliding like fire down
the rocky cliff face
and the barren planes of my
freckled cheeks

i close my eyes
and shake my head
feeling the repulsive odor
of my looming shame
radiating off me and
strangling the want
the need
for you.

i miss you.

you say that you will
one day
mold me into a clay being
who spins on the potter's wheel of this world
and sees the beauty
and intricately woven cloth that
cradles my effervescent soul
your alchemy seeks to
transform my crocodile tears of shame
into a joyful well of infinite
contentment
in your arms
whispering reassurances that
perhaps one day
will not pass uninhibitedly
through my skull
but linger
and loiter in my cerebellum
sewing themselves into
the sides of my cerebrum
greeting my grey matter and
simply becoming another
wild flower in the
meadow of my thoughts.

i fight as intensely against
your tendrils of hope
and ropes lashed to your vessel of refuge
as i do contrary to the
barbed binds digging into
the flesh around my wrists
and wrenching my heart with
realizations of my own inadequacy.

i don't want to be fixed.

do i want to fix myself?
and the question echoes
through the empty
barren halls of that secret
wherein reality has become
a comforting quagmire of
delusions and a time
delineated only by a
flashing number on a scale.

you haven't seen the blackness
though you've glimpsed its shadow
looming in my wake
when i leave you knowing
in my mind i'm already
doubled over
head buried in the toilet
how to pull it out
and curl my flaccid tongue
around those syllables
those simple six letters

H E L P M E

written like braille across
my forehead and
carved
branded
scarred into the sacrosanct eventuality
of the black hole salivating
to consume
to the end of all things.

i have never been sick enough
the immutable darkness has never
dipped temperatures to
absolute zero and
terrified the entire world
stopped in its orbit to marvel at the
girl disappearing.

i wonder why you worry.