when I was three years old, I sat at my grandmothers front door on Christmas Day and waited

and waited and waited and waited
and waited and waited
and waited

for the beat up blue mustang of yours to rattle it's way up the driveway.

but it never showed.

which soon became a habit of yours.

you didn't show me how to walk or talk or tie my shoes or tame my messy hair

and you didn't show me how to put on eyeliner in such a way that I wouldn't resemble a raccoon and you didn't show me that plaid on plaid doesn't mix and you didn't show me that bows should never be in your hair past the fifth grade

but all of that is not why I hate you

I hate you because you didn't show me that boys don't have the right to my body
and you didn't show me that my opinion matters
and you didn't show me that sometimes and iced coffee really is the key to fixing your day and you didn't show me that no matter how many times he told me I look like **** in a ponytail, I certainly do not.

you didn't show me how to forgive and you most certainly didn't show me how a healthy relationship works. you didn't show me how to love others and you certainly never showed me how to love myself

because every time I force myself to take a look in that reflective coating, I see your hair and your jaw line and your god forsaken freckles and I find pieces of you in my six mile legs and I hear you in my full lips

and I absolutely hate it

because you of all people do not deserve to be prominent in my life, yet you've found a way to force yourself into existence, you're nothing more than a leech and that's all you've ever been.

you leech onto highs and broken men who break me beyond measure, you leech into any substance you can find, on ****** reassurance, on the hope that maybe one day you'll be better, but maybe that day should be post-poked, because it's a crime in itself to waste a good time.

but when it comes down to it I guess you did teach me something.

you showed me that some people simply won't change, and some people don't deserve forgiveness. some people are ****** into this vast vortex of immeasurable selfishness, and that addictions can be self-inflicted.

so thank you.

I pray that one day i muster up the strength to  show you what you've done to me, mommy dearest.