I can't understand why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love...*

Every time I hear that line, it kills me inside because I cannot deny the obvious truth of it. I want to love you so badly, and I try to with all my being, but I always fall short of being good enough for you. I am not your perfect girl, I might not be your forever. And I want so desperately to be.

I cannot hide around you. Its a blessing and a curse, to always be myself around the person I love, but I curse for sometimes I'm so desperate to hide those uncovered emotions that I push you away. You deserve better than that, but I'm not sure I can be better.

My pills are running through my veins, begging me to be stable, yet here I am, weeping over my laptop wanting to be someone else, anyone else. Guess I can't run from the monsters inside my heart, the demons that course through my blood.

I can't promise forever. I can't even make that promise to myself. I want more than anything to be your forever, to be your soulmate. God knows I don't believe in those, but I want to, for you, and you only.

Is it disorder screaming or my fears or what that want me to doubt you, to hide from you, to run away. I've been running for years and each time I try to leave I come back. I don't want to reach a day that I don't, but I don't trust my own heart.

You deserve better. Its less of me being insecure and more of no one deserves this, not even me. Yet I am, and I don't wish it upon anyone else. It kills me that people care, but it would also **** me to be alone, so I cannot win. What do you do when everything you do leads to the end?

I love you. I can't change that, and I don't want to. But I don't know what to do. I'm not getting better, no matter how much you want me to. I will forever be a lost, broken, little girl. You're not perfect, but you're not this and I couldn't bear weighing you down forever.

But I'm too afraid to leave. I'm too afraid that I'll never find something like this again. I'm reaching twilight and I'm afraid without you I may get lost in blackness. That  this is my last chance of falling in love before I give up on it entirely.

I'll try not to run, and I'll try not to leave, but know no matter what I do I love you. I might even love you always.

For you only.