when I wanted to turn my wrists into christmas gifts and slice them with paper cutters to see if I could find a better tomorrow written in my veins

where were you

when I wanted to pour my tears into a Xanax and Clorox cocktail and get buzzed on the thought of angel wings tearing my back open

where were you

when I took a heart shaped box full of rotted sweets and poured it in the gasoline that lit our first kiss, watching the good intentions burn to ash on the pavement

where were you

when I tore up the tear-stained ink-heavy pages of love notes and tossed them into my backyard stream

where were you

when I took off the bracelet you made me and tied it to the traffic sign on the bridge where the police found me

where were you

when I was handcuffed to a bench in a stone holding room singing our song over and over again, screaming unintelligibly at every officer who asked for my name

where were you

when I called every night, wondering why you decided not to speak to me anymore

where were you

when I checked my messages and saw "*****" where I said "sweetheart", "******* ******" where I said "I'm sorry."

where were you

when I tied my last hope to a tree on the beach and swung from it

where were you

when I prayed the rope would snap just as easily as my heart did

where were you

when I stood on your doorstep in the rain, wishing that I didn't remember your address

where were you

when I was passed out on the curb, drunk and alone

where were you

when I was curled under a desk, screaming at the rain and kicking the locked doors

where were you

when I was at the cliffs, counting the jutted rocks and trying to measure the exact angle I would need to fall

where were you

when I finally decided enough was enough,
and took every piece of my glass heart and used it to carve a new person

But love,

where were you

when I needed someone to hold me while I was hurting?