My hands were shaking Not as hard as yours, I'm sure
You almost lost everything and I was forced to watch, bearing silent witness to a destruction not my own but at which I felt at fault, thus I digested it as my own
Who knows?
In my mind, I had lived fantasies of something like this happening-- you, helpless, I hold fast to your life and then salvaging you, just barely, scaring us both out of life and then falling back into something new-- dark, strange, and yet intimate
This has happened to me twice now (for real) and neither time was nearly as glamorous as I had played out in my mind
(I'm a stupid girl)
Both times I felt drained of a vital energy I couldn't call back--ever
I became an echo of me and us? we were skeletons of the children we once were. Both times robbed me--- of sleep, and years, and appetite. robbed me--- of innocence, and soul, and love which always bleeds out uncontrollably in times like these unclottable
and out with love spreads guilt and shame
(I'm a jinx, I'm a cursed girl)
across the tar, filling the black empty cracks with invaluable energy
Full of foreign weight cargo stored too long too far pushed down our throats too removed
My hands were shaking Not as hard or as long as yours I'm sure