The sunset takes with it any light I have left in my soul,
Releasing darkness, all encompassing.
I’m scared.
I’ve developed a feeling that all words spoken aren’t meant,
I’ve learnt distance instead of searching for the truth.
I cut it all out,
I cut you out.
Your hands on my shoulders as they make their way to my waist feel rehearsed,
Stale, meaningless,
Done before with long haired girls, skinny girls,
Believing you.
I’m envious of their innocent eyes,
I’ll never be rejuvenated, cleansed of the evil that was instilled upon me too early.
I’ll fight as hard as I can and with all the breath I have to wrestle with my foes that live inside me but they always prevail.
I’m caged in this body that has been torn apart by almost everyone who has come in contact with it.
It’s been abused a few too many times that it will be thrown in the pits that house the other corpses when we reach our final destination.
I’m just waiting to cross over,
And hoping there I get some rest.
My back is bruised and my arms are sore, they fall at my side and that’s where they stay.
I don’t dare raise my hand in request, or answer.
I have no voice, lost it a long time ago,
Listening to words like “shut up” and “*******”.
So forgive me if I am a man of few words, or if I don’t speak at all.
The chances of you being just like all the rest are too high,
And I’ve ruthlessly gambled my life away before, to risk the possibility you might be different is one I’m not willing to take.
If you are, it would challenge everything I believe and I’ve grown too comfortable protecting myself to let you through my walls.
If you aren’t any different, I’m sure my body would wrinkle into a mere casing, nothing but existing, waiting to die.
I’m not sure my body could be frailer, weaker, or more damaged; I also don’t want to find out.
So I stay silent.
Sometimes words out loud don’t hold the solution.
Sometimes silence is the only peace I can reach,
That’s what is so intriguing about the other side,
I hope that it’s quiet.
I hope my haven is quiet.
I don’t need birds singing,
or a babbling brook.
Yes, I might be selfish,
but if I don’t look out for myself,
no one else will.
I’m all I have.
I’ve simply accepted my fate,
I just hope it happens sooner than later,
I’m growing tired of plugging my ears to the noise around me.