I've always been attracted to things I couldn't have. They lure me in with soft tantalizing pleas of "aren't you curious how much different your life could be with us in it".
All the possibilities come roaring to life
"You could find love"
"New friendships aren't all that bad"
"New experiences"
Now this new experience idea has invaded my mind, wringing around my brain with an embrace so tight that it's not a comforting hug anymore.
I want to experience everything life has to offer, both the positive and negative. I want to feel such a contrasting variety of things, I think this coexists with the high hopes I have. Maybe by feeling a lot i can cover up this numbness that doesn't seem to leave me.
Ironic how I can get rid of everyone else but I can't rid myself of this, I do admire consistency in anything and **** is it undeviating.
I didn't use you but you came into my life when I was in the middle of a transition. Someone wanted to get to know me and the attention made me happy, it still makes me happy, Which is where the problem lies. Despite all the sure tale signs that you may have only been wanting one thing, I took a chance and dove in. The stormy waves visible to me in the distance didn't seem to matter. I came to see you as my raft, keeping me afloat and away from the dark pit of endless water underneath me, that I was afraid I would drown in. You distracted me from it in the beginning, entertaining me enough that I forgot it was even there.
Then you became it, You began to drag me down. You grabbed a hold of my ankle, pulling me underneath the waves and I haven't seen the sun since. I would try to swim back up but I couldn't bring myself to break free of your grip, so I stayed and began to force myself into thinking this was how all relationships were.
Day by day your hold became looser and finally you let me go. I despised you at first but then I became grateful. The freedom was liberating, my mind was at ease for the first time in a while. No more anxiety triggered by you, no more useless effort from my end.
Recently I let you back in, did some things I'm not proud of but who doesn't. You didn't stick up for me, the thought of me being a bad influence is laughable. Now we are both forbidden from seeing each other. Never did I think I would see the day when a mother views me as harmful to her son.
Like I said, I've always been attracted to things I couldn't have. I don't think I am anymore.