In one day perhaps
All is changed
A renewal of hope
Meets with mixed mind
A confusion within
Becomes confusion without
Limits to hold back
But maybe there
Is nothing to hold
From view
But the shadow
They already see

I lost my childhood,
I lost those days of running
Outside and playing in the summer
And dancing in new dresses.

I'd have them back
I'd grow up again,
Lose those inhibitions I built up
To be that little girl.

But if I did,
Who would I be?
Some shadow of the human who sits here
Typing at half-past midnight
To spread some message of
I-don't-know-what-but-it-matters?

Could I give up myself,
For such material hopes?
No.
What if I'd never met
The angels and guardians
Who showed me how
Love works?

I have lost my childhood,
I can't get it back,
But I will grow up even so,
From a scared little girl,
Into the woman I was meant to be.

They grew within our ranks
Nurtured into strength
Turned traitor
Biting back
Chaining me to their ideals

They maimed my skin
Their strikes precise
Piercing pain,
Digging deep
To bleed my heart dry

The air filled with smoke
Choking my lungs
Aching arteries,
Poison pumped
To steal my breaths

The barrel pressed against my skull
******* on the trigger
Trip twitch,
Fated fuse
And they'd destroy me:

Their home,
Their Earth.

Here, in truth, we're found
Unified upon this common ground
Divided hearts held together
Secured by jagged edges.

Here, in hope, we're loved
Wrapped in scarves and gloves
By an over-fussy mother
Determined to keep us warm.

Here, in strength, we stand
Arm in arm, hand in hand
And we know we cannot fall
We are: One for All

Dust floats in my breath,
Reflecting in moonlight,
Which breaks through,
My windows,
That river of dreams,
Floats unaware,
Above my still open eyes,
Until whispered,
Away.

Waiting once more
The sun just awake
And bouncing off electric wires
Coated in night's rain

The time is drawing nearer
In this town so far from home
Never been before but leaving soon
I am completed to roam

So run away I must
As the whistling hiss nears
I abandon the foreign town
For the sake of future years

The dark is leaving,
Sunrise is here,
Time to sleep.

No!

I will never allow the dark
To outshine the light!
Not again.

When shadows were my candles,
My eyelids my comfort,
The night my day,
It only took time,
For my blood to become my tears,
And hope for death to become my life,
But no more!

Never again.

Light has returned,
Sunrise is here,
Time to wake.

Time could pass,
Between my footsteps,
Eternities in each pace,
Before I'd realise.

The sky could dim,
And glow and dim,
And glow thousand times,
Before I'd look up.

Waters of ages could fall,
Or rise to meet my breaths,
And carve the path before me,
Before I'd blink.

But if I stopped,
I'd see.

Mind empty,
Days behind,
And still no spark,
No flame.

Blank paper,
Ripped out,
And thrown as I,
Start to go insane.

And the words,
Jumble in my head they
all stretch and
break
and fall to place
round way wrong.

An image flashes,
For just an instant,
But I cannot capture it,
It's gone.

Yellow joy,
Wrapped in holly green excitement.

Lavender hugs,
Wrapped in berry red love.

Blue tears,
Wrapped in black fear,
And thrown away,
For a while.

Chaos,
Crashing past before my still breaths,
While the rushed-off-feet rush to meet their dead-
-lines I stand firm.
My task yet to begin.
Slowly, I release the air through my mouth,
Three black-shirted figures striding, a quick
glance at me, the slimmest of smiles, then
gone.
A microphone placed in my gloved hand, an explanation,
Then I prepare, press my thumb and slide: 0 - mute - ON
My voice resonates, all that can be done is done,
The lights frantically tracing their carefully programmed paths,
Now it is my time, the closest of the front-of-housers,
The undeserving star, but it is my task:
*"Ladies and Gentlemen..."

He's smiling,
But inside he's crying,
He's strong,
But inside he's dying,
He's laughing,
But inside he's shaking,
He's dancing,
But inside he's aching.

Then suddenly,
He's not lying anymore.

He's shouting,
Because inside she's angry,
He's standing up,
Because inside she's not afraid,
He's growing his hair,
Because inside she wants to be her sometimes,
He's ignoring them,
Because inside she knows if they can't accept her and him their words don't matter.

From the outside,
Everything seems worse,
Because he was hiding it all,
But now she is free,
He's recovering.

Steady your hand against the rumbling of the tracks
Keep eyes focused on a moving goal
What people think doesn't matter but what you think they do does
Calm the waves around your boat
Smooth out the crumbling path ahead
Then run, bolt away,
Escape the current, whose drag is too strong
And hurry from here, this place of no choice,
Ignore the walls and they'll disappear
So sprint through them to reach your promised land -
- Your place for you.

Lungs bypassing air
Heart forgetting how to beat
Brain losing control

Yes, we believe even now,
Just one defeat will not tear this movement down,
Perhaps it's the drink in our blood,
But we stand unafraid.

Yes, we keep on even so,
Rewriting all the rules, change all that we know,
Fill the streets with all the people on their feet,
And we'll remain.

And we'll rise with the colours and love in our hearts
Beating fast, beating clear,
And we'll stand hand in hand, arm in arm and we'll shout out the truth:
We won't let hate near,
And we'll dream of a world we long to see,
We believe we can let in the hope,
Let out the fear.

Now we gather ourselves,
Prepare for the night,
We won't fall to the dark,
We will bask in the light,
Even now, we're growing stronger with each simple breath in our lungs,
We stand true, we stand and fight.

He walks in,
First word in your head,
Judges immediately,
Based on what?
Some predetermined law?
The assumption that,
As you have been taught,
What he looks like is,
What she feels like is,
Wrong.
Maybe the way she walks,
Or how she smiles,
Casts doubts,
But you ignore,
All you see is him.
Please,
Look for her.

Once again,
I'm waiting,
Preparing for something new,
And yet exactly the same,
An unimportant day?
Perhaps,
For you,
But for me,
Everything changes.

We've been told to reach
And to cry out for the stars -
They remain silent.

Beneath the Earth we’re outnumbered by dead
Who’ve run out of voices to go to their heads
And the blood in their veins flow in our hearts instead
To keep our children fed.

A generation has fallen to pain
A broken species can’t keep itself away
But we keep on running though we can’t find our way
To build on yesterday.

But it’s no good blaming undertones
For a foreground that’s broken in half
It’s no use blaming understones
For our failure to make a new start
The dead aren’t just dead
They’re holding us to account
Their skeletal fingers are there in our hands
And they demand to know
Why we sacrificed their understones

Their bones are rotting
But we keep breathing
And ghosts keep pulling us down
Their eyes are gone
But still they see
Us cursing their graves - it was our fault anyway

Across those waves,
How romanticised in my mind,
So serene, so free of care,
The light filtered just right,
Over perfect faces,
Through beautiful trees,
Strolling down quaint lanes,
Exchanged smiles,
Eyes caught on each other,
For a moment that transcends language,
When all that matters is now,
Such fantasies,
But...perhaps?
Some fantasies come true, after all.
Time to find out...

Don't cry,
They'll know,
Your makeup will run,
And they'll make fun,
Again.

Don't cry,
They'll see,
Your mask will break,
Tears wash it away,
Again.

Don't cry,
They'll hear,
And they always blame you,
"It's not what we do,"
Again.

Don't cry,
Not here.

Did those stones remember
Those words we spoke
As had been spoken
Centuries before

Did the soil recall
The footprints of those
Who made the journey here
Centuries before

Did we think then
The same thoughts
As the radicals who met
Centuries before

To whom I owe so much

Perhaps it's in the echo of each note,
Or the ring of each resonant chord,
Or the pulse of the soul of a song,
That which draws me in,
Captures all my mind,
Leaves me with no choice but to,
Reach out and let my hands,
Add their tune,
To the song in my head.

Sometimes all the right keys are played,
But I stop anyway,
As the right way clashes with,
The melody in my head,
Which is wrong,
Yet overrules the right.

And in my mind I hear,
The potential of symphonic,
Decoration on the framework,
Of a black and white,
Photograph of my emotion,
Which could be so much more,
Radiant with bursts and fades,
Of harmonic colours.

Music haunts me as,
Both a guardian and,
A curse.

I have fallen,
Out of pain,
And landed,
In joy.

I have stumbled,
Away from hate,
And fallen,
In love.

I have trembled,
Away from fear,
And stumbled,
Into hope.

I have broken,
Ties with loss,
And trembled,
With delight.

I have landed,
Away from home,
And broken,
Down the walls.

If there could be a clearer, more perfect breath than this
I would know it only through your lips
And though your whispers may not be pure
They cleanse a bleeding soul of past regret.

Could fear or failure keep me safer than this?
An edge, a line, not to stumble across
For I run from both into your arms but still
Arrive back here again.

The winds tonight are screeching
As they scream past the pane
And I close my eyes to grip my wrist
And hide my face away

The dark tonight is closing
As its shadows fill my mind
And I whisper hateful nothings
To freeze my seized up spine

The breaths tonight are shallow
And grate against my ear
While the metal claws grip me
And satisfy my fear

Mesmerise, Memorise,
Broken eyes staring at me.
Tenderise, Slenderise,
My own eyes always hate me
Looking back, Reflecting back
The venom that runs on my skin.

These tears belong to me
You can’t take them from me yet
If I’m scratching at my skin
Then pain is what I get
Don’t cheat me out of hurting
Don’t save me from consequence
I made my own mistakes
So I’ll pay for my own scrapes

Shouting,
Chanting,
And the clashing shoulders,
Feet driving,
Heads smashing,
Passion high,
Determined rage,
Focused on one thing,
Keep pushing,
One more yard,
One foot,
An inch,
And down,
-
Release.

Summer shades,
Vibrant, free, proud,
Cascading down hillsides,
Bursting from earth,
To fill young minds with hope,
And show old eyes colour again,
Keep the wheel turning,
Keep the candle burning,
Once the summer breeze dies,
And autumn gales take their place,
Keep the flame lit,
Though some colours will die,
And petals will fall,
Leaves will take their place,
With their swan song in gold,
And a taste in the air,
A promise.

Footsteps
Pounding the earth
Driving back
Against its never-ending spin
Wishing, urging
A half-spoken plea
To stop.
.
For just a second
Long enough to breathe
Without believing
We are wasting our time
With air.

All laid out,
A shirt, a cardigan, a pair of jeans.
It's all been sorted,
The name, an explanation, a key.
Everything is ready,
Except me.

I was ready,
I planned for months, far too often.
I've waited so long,
Hoping for this day, and now it's here.
Everything is ready,
Except me.

I know it's fine,
Nothing will go wrong, I'm sure of it.
But still the doubt,
The fear never leaves, what if they hate?
Everything is ready,
Except me.

My arms shake,
Not cold, not shocked, paranoid.
But I close my eyes,
Breathe deep, empty my mind, and hear:
"Everything is ready,
Are you?"

Yes. It's time.

A song lies in the shadow on the wall,
Cast by an unused guitar,
Beneath its tiring strings,
A hoodie tossed aside,
A story of rebellion lies within,
Those man-made fibres,
Dyed black as the hair I wish I had,
And resting on the sleeve,
Forgotten,
Glasses,
That let me see clearly,
And now all is a blur,
But the poem I write,
To remember and cope,
Another night,
Another day.

Many years have passed
A host of dark dark nights
She was falling into despair
Cause she couldn't be
Who she wanted to be
And she was too scared to grow her hair
And as time went  by
She lived her lie
And learned to lock her feelings away
She was afraid and lost
Asking God
To take all her pain.

And he said:
"My child, you know I love you."
"You know I don't want you to fall apart."

He said:
"My child, I am with you."
"And I gave you the love in your heart."

He said:
"Daughter, my daughter."
"Your life is a work of art."
"So let them see."

I want to get angry, upset,
I want to shout at the world when no-one will hear me.
I want to scream in my head
and rip down the walls that keep me trapped here.
I want to mess up my makeup
and run through the night and let out tears and cries and breathless pleas.
I want to stand on the rooftops,
I want to curse the stars for always being the same.
I want to break my wrist falling down
and make it worse just to make a statement.
I want to let out my rage,
but I am too scared to be true,
So I'll simmer here and beat myself up instead.

Look in my eyes,
What do you see?
Come on, behind the lies,
Lies the true me.
Is there something in my gaze?
A haze, a dreaming
Just a teenager staring at space?
No! I'm screaming!
Don't you hear the cries
Rattling in my mind?
I'm helpless and hopeless
And lost - but defined and
Undermined by my own fear,
Holding hate near,
I want to rip off these clothes,
And shout "Yes! I am here!"
But I can't do that,
Can't let them see my faulty genes,
See these jeans and coats
Keep my mind off the fact
That every day I'm living,
I'm living like I act,
A part to play,
A play to show,
A show to stop
Me having to stand out,
For so long I fell foul
For so long it felt wrong
And now these howls
Of pain feel like a swan song
I'm falling, fallen, faded
Forgotten who I am
But when the spotlight turns off -

Breathe.
Sigh.

I'd missed you, I knew,
But my eyes wasted no time,
In reminding themselves how to
Marvel at you,
And my hands,
Remembered how to long for you,
And the warmth in your palms.

In front of me, again, the beauty who never saw,
Her own precious nature,
Whose laugh blocked out all thoughts,
Of panic, or sense of
time and deadlines,
Instead wishing only to hear her voice,
And her joy between her tears.

There you were,
Unreachable,
Yet held tight,
An angel of the night,
Who never wanted the light,
But I just couldn't let you go.

85 miles up and climbing still
We lost our footing and we fell uphill
We kept rolling in the skies
We could be-
We said

We could be anything we want to
As long as we live in our own 2
Dimensional
Dimensional
Freedom

25 feet under and we're digging down
We never gave up running into the ground
But you left me with my
Hands *****
To clean yours

I'm losing all sense of direction
I'm losing all my sensations
I can't connect my emotions
With the fires in my heart

A hundred futures,
Laid out on the floor,
A million promises,
In a thousand pages,
Of far too many books,
And all a chance,
All a dream,
Nothing known,
Everything new,
Directions blur into one.

The steady click of a pen
Punctuates the drone of
A teacher who thinks she gets us but
Loses our interest and focus until
We realise we don't understand because
We were too busy clicking our pens and
Writing poems.

Seeing in the year,
Hair three times as long as the last,
Eyes a little brighter,
Smile a little wider,
A shirt that fits my frame,
Make-up not to hide behind but,
Instead,
To highlight,
To show off,
Who I am,
Who I have always been,
But until now,
Could never be seen,
Now, in a small room,
With a family around me,
And a few friends,
I am me.

I look in the mirror
And draw what I see
Let my hand guide me
Let the graphite mark paper
Every line judged and precise
But yet emotion drives me
And spills into the sketch
Which forms slowly
And takes on life
Until finally
A self-portrait
That doesn't match
Anyone's expectations
Except mine.

There's a bite in the air,
And a taste of inspiration,
Clouds loom,
In dark song,
And the gentle pulse,
Of tired cars,
And streetlight spotlights,
To be my stage.

Stop,
Listen,
Time to shine.

The skin burns up around my lips,
Nagging at my fingers,
Like the hairs on my chin are being
replaced
with needles ramming into my skin
through muscle to the bone
with no pause or thought
and setting fire to the collagen
that holds my jaw together.
Until my head is crumbling and I'm
trying to rip out the spikes
that aren't there and weren't
ever
but still scream into my skull
"Give up!"

My breath hangs in the air,
A gathering of mist ahead of me,
Rolling off my face as I walk through it
The last few drops seem to trickle down my cheek
Leaving a trail of wind-bitten skin.

I rub my hands together and bury them in my coat
Blood runs back through my fingers, thawing them,
The sky is blue as my lips, trembling in the chill.

Autumn has taken her time,
Dragging her heels as she clung to the sleeve of Summer,
Begging him for one more hour together,
But now she is alone, her pale breath consumes the air,
Replacing it with wind as crisp as the leaves it blows down.

The clouds rise
As smoke from the breath
Of frigid walls
That burn in the night.

The blue deepens
As water from the tears
Of fallen angels
That cry in the dark.

The world sleeps
As time in the hands
Of broken people
That wait
wait
wait
for change.

Legs
     shaking
            down
                  uneven
              spirals
          Hands
   gripping
coarse
     rope
          Feet
               searching
             for
purchase
           Eyes
             looking
                       for
                 their
           marks
    Rushing
when
    found
        security
            Hoping
          to
   reach
safety
      It's
         not
            much
       further
    to
leave
    that
       cave
             of
               descent.

Stand together,
Sing a song,
Love's forever,
Hate is wrong.
Be the difference,
Make the change,
When night is falling,
We won't fade.
Keep on smiling,
Spirits high,
Keep believing,
Now's the time,
To speak our words,
Say our mind,
For one, for all,
For all mankind.

"It's just a cry for help."

A stricken vessel sends out its SOS,
Fires its flares, cries out "Mayday!"
As control is lost, the black waves taste their prey,
Reaching around the ship, gripping tight,
Dragging down the chunk of metal no longer fit for use.

Those on-board abandon a lost cause,
Flee into life-rafts, barely staying above the surface,
Leaving the captain alone, with no hope,
No crew, and no reply from beyond the storm-battered windows.

Perhaps someone was listening,
Maybe one rescue crew was close enough,
Or one ship heard the call,
Would they act? Yes.
Because they could be the only ones who can save a life.

When left with no hope, we cry for help,
Even if we don't believe anyone will come,
In whatever way we can,
Because someone might notice,
Someone might care,
Someone might save us.

"Just"* a cry for help?

In the arms of
Discordant fear
No relief is found
But fear pushes
Us away
Like a mother does a child
Though she knows
The child will
Hate her for it
She still chooses
To be alone
Over letting that child
Face harm
So do not hate fear
But welcome it's guidance
For fear is selfless
But life can hurt

It is a comforting moment, when someone speaks with the voice in your head.
When another human being has complete, pure empathy,
To the point that they could be speaking from your notes.
To hear another not only agree but inhabit your view of life,
When anyone else would be afraid to take that place,
To know that these words are yours too -
How could any connection compare to that?
In that gilded moment when your voice is borrowed,
And used to perform miracles.