Goodnight,
And sleep,
Be away from the world,
That holds you here,
Away from the ones,
Who hold you dear,
For the night,
Glistens,
With the tears of heavy hearts,
And the lonely sighs,
Of lost youth,
So sleep,
Hide yourself from that,
For as long as your soul can keep,
From breaking,
Until you wake,
In the dark,
And see the crying Earth,
For what it is.

Why ask?
Why do we need to know?
Does it really matter?
We always seem to be asking,
Inquiring, Inspecting,
But to what end?
For truth?

If we want truth,
Questions will only take us so far.
To find truth you first need to lose lies.
So **** stereotypes, **** preconceptions,
Stop believing everything you're told,
And ask your own questions,
Form your own opinions,
Form your own self,
Form your own life,
And respect everyone else's

Perhaps now,
We are closer,
But still no chance to meet,
Speeding past English fields,
But still far from 'the land of the free'.

I wonder,
What's our distance now?
How many thousands of miles between?
And does it matter, in all truth,
If we're still separated by the seas?

I have fallen,
Out of pain,
And landed,
In joy.

I have stumbled,
Away from hate,
And fallen,
In love.

I have trembled,
Away from fear,
And stumbled,
Into hope.

I have broken,
Ties with loss,
And trembled,
With delight.

I have landed,
Away from home,
And broken,
Down the walls.

I started out,
Young and free,
I saw the world's simplicity,
I played with my trains,
And my sister's dolls,
As my naïve self had not yet been told,
"These are for girls,"
"These are for boys,"
"Don't play with her's, these are your toys,"
And as I grew up,
Movies were seen,
And we made up games of what we saw on the screen,
No one, not once,
Noticed when I chose,
To play the characters who wore pretty clothes,
I was an odd mix,
Though nobody saw,
That this was just the start, so much else left in store.
Then STOP.
...
This bit's hard to tell,
It filled me with tears and sent me to hell.
Cruel fate decided,
To bring into view,
The one who caused more pain than I was due,
For six long years,
I looped and cycled,
Through pain, fear, regret and downright suicidal,
I stopped sleeping,
For fear of my dreams,
And reality began bursting its seams,
At the end of those years,
I prepared for the end,
I readied the way for me to descend,
Then STOP.
...
A message that saved,
To which I owe the rest of my days,
I started piano,
Remembered to write,
Made a film which turned out alright,
Played in a band,
For a year or two,
Visited Paris with the musical crew,
A girl I met there,
Became a best friend,
And showed me a website which helped me no end,
Then after a slip up,
We became more,
Now someone else for me to care for,
She persuaded me,
To try and write a book,
In a single month, with any luck,
Then three days later,
She ended our bond,
Breaking us up in music room one,
It knocked me off balance,
Shaked me up a bit,
But a few weeks later, my first real hit,
A poem a day,
I pledged to produce,
And through regular words began to deduce,
More of myself,
Revealed over time,
Mostly with rhythm, rarely rhyme,
Then another girl,
Came into the mix,
Didn't last long as the hurt wouldn't fix,
Then something happened,
I didn't really think,
In trying to help I made our hearts sink,
Then STOP.
...
I realised at last,
That there was more to me than I'd said in the past,
A second soul,
Of female design,
Is living inside this heart of mine,
My best friend then,
Gave her a name,
And so, to the world, I introduced May,
To my surprise,
I faced little resistance,
At least until I went the full distance,
I revealed to some,
Hid from others,
But worst of all, telling my father and mother,
One particular friend,
Supported, not judged,
And the friendship we had soon became love,
Of course there was,
More to it than that,
But I could talk for hours about her and "Hold Back",
Exams and revision,
Stole away my days,
All of the time started running away,
Then they were done,
And summer came,
They're finally here, those lazy days,
I'll be honest,
My life hasn't been great,
But I've got though it all and I can deal with hate,
So bring it on!
Let's add another page,
To the book which details my thoughts at each age.

Between the 1s and 0s,
There a deadly fiend burrows,
Its teeth spread widely,
Dig into binary,
Beady eyes explore unchecked,
And latch into the internet,
Mischievous links, clicks divert,
Sharper claws begin to hurt,
Finely judged spears strike,
Breaking down defensive might,
And behind it all, the whispering,
Of a malicious beast now living in,
And sees at last, joy abounds:
*Error 404, page not found

Where are you?
I need you now,
Fill my senses with concepts,
Engulf me in ideas,
Bless me with the words,
That often flow easily,
But today,
Less,
Freely,
What price,
Do you demand?
Simply for a word?
Or a string of thought?

I created a world with my hand,
I built cities,
I grew people,
I gave hope,
I spread happiness,
I cultured love,
Then,
I got bored,
I killed,
I crushed dreams,
I severed bonds,
I inflicted pain,
I ruined lives,
But I loved every second.

Love conquers all,
As they say,
And once again,
It's gone that way,
So smile, my friends,
For on this day,
Your opinion,
Has one the sway,
The majority's yours,
And across The States,
You can all, finally,
With pride, say:
"I do"

I'm sorry I'm a coward,
Forgetful and awkward,
But when you speak to me I'm braver,
And I can't forget your smile.

I'm sorry I worry too much,
And ramble on about nothing,
But when I hear you I know you're safe,
And I'd sit with you in silence forever.

I'm sorry I live so far away,
And I'm sometimes asleep when you call,
But when I see you we could be right there together,
And I stay up for you if I can.

I'm sorry I'm not perfect,
But when you're around it's like the whole world was made,
Just so that we could be in love.

Contradictions,
I don't understand who,
To trust,
I am,
He is,
Can help me?
I'm scared,
My love,
Will you comfort me?
Or leave me alone?
Alone where I,
Am scared,
Cry,
Collapse,
Give in to my mind.
Please,
My love.

Why do you fear me?
I do not seek you harm,
But I prefer the shadows,
Away from attention,
So I hide in the dark,
Where all seems a danger,
All seems evil,
But I am not.
I am not a threat,
My outstretched arm,
Is for you to hold,
Not for me to restrain,
So trust me,
Let me join you in the light,
And you will see.

She can't see,
Her eyes are not covered,
But no light reaches them.

She can't move,
Her arms are not held,
But they do not obey her.

She can't cry,
Her lips do not smile,
But she cannot release the tears.

She can't feel,
Her heart is not cold,
But it will not break down its walls.

She is broken,
And terrified,
"Who's there?"

"Anyone?"

"I'm scared."

*"Of what, my dear?"

The dim light of an electric lamp,
Is the only source of comfort,
And even its glow cannot,
Reach every headstone.

Do the dead fear the dark?
Sleeping day and night?
Or is illumination irrelevant?
When eyes are hollow?

Does the silver in between,
The leaves of guardian trees,
Chill their hearts and raise,
Suspicion within their graves?

Or are the dead braver than me?
No shiver down their spines,
They have nothing to fear,
Yet I fear the nothingness.

I was once told that being yourself,
Was all about you and no-one else,
That you should be the person you want to be,
Not anything else, at all, but "me".

I was once told that loving another,
Was all about you and your true lover,
That love is blind and sees only the heart,
And keeps you together when you're apart.

I was once told that how I dress,
Was all about what I think looks best,
That as long as I'm comfortable no-one will mind,
Just make sure you leave a good impression behind.

What I was told is crushed everyday,
By "friends" I trusted and the words that they say,
By ignorance and expectations I'm forced into,
Being someone else who can't speak the truth,
And when I finally admitted to the lie I've been living,
I guess I was hoping for something more forgiving,
Than assumptions and refusals to call me by name:
I just want you all to treat me the same.
Only one thing changed:
My honesty.

That's it.
Finished.
Two years of work.
All.
Over.
At last.

Now.

What will I do tomorrow?

Am I here or there?
Asleep or aware?
Living or dead?
Heart or head?

Am I lost or found?
Swimming or drowned?
Broken or fixed?
Certain or mixed?

Who am I?
And why do I need to know?

Behold!
My hands crush the stars,
The earth quakes at my will.

Amazed yet?
I decide the path of the Earth,
And guide the rivers to the sea.

Still not impressed?
I control the inner workings of the mind,
And ignite the fires of mountains.

Look at me! Can't you see my power?
I stop time! I bend light!
I **** with the smallest touch!

I don't own the universe.
I am framework on which it was built.

Now tell me Physics is boring.

**** it!
No!
Come back!
Those words!
I spent so long!
And now it's gone!
How can I get them back?
They were all there!
Exactly how I wanted them
They've vanished!
I can't remember them now!
How can I not!
How did it start?
Oh was it?
No.
**** it!

There are people running,
Chaos,
I don't know where I am,
I'm late, I think,
Time is short,
I have to hurry up!

"Just stop."





"No, stay still."





"Why?"





"No reason."





"No, don't move."





"Keep dead still."





"Hear that?"





"Feel it?"





"There's a whisper on the breeze."





"No, shush."





"Don't speak."





"Just listen."





"It's not silent."





"Is it?"





"There's something there."





"Can you hear what it's saying?"





"No?"





"Don't worry."





"Neither can I."





"But."





"I don't ignore it."






"You."





"Are."





"Not."






"Alone."

Am I OK?
Now I do not have to think,
But there was a time,
Not long ago,
When that question,
Plagued my mind,
Devoured every moment,
With uncertainty leaning,
Negatively,
For so long,
I was not OK,
I was broken but,
Clinging on to the hope,
Of a lie I told myself,
That everything was fine,
It took the worst,
To show me I needed,
To change,
Something,
Not me,
But how I saw myself,
It took time,
Friends and words,
Over years,
Until now,
I no longer have to think,
Before answering:
"Yes, I'm fine..."

"...and you?"

The wrong way?
Or just new?
No one ever agrees.
We can't see the difference,
Between steps forward,
And towards the fire.
Each of us knows,
Which we think it is,
But together we can't decide,
Where to place our feet,
And of course,
If our step is shaky,
We're bound to fall.

Heavy breathing,
Shouts,
Confusion,
Dirt beneath my feet,
Slip,
Catch myself,
Panic,
Turn,
Random direction,
Lost,
Fear,
Then,
Turn,
Find,
The way home.

The sky seems endless on summer days,
And the setting sun takes its time to sleep.
The stars seem brighter on summer nights,
But only with you laying next to me.

I dream a whisper in your ear,
And silences hand in hand,
I wish a glance between our eyes,
Our gazes locking longer than planned.

The dry, sun-baked grass is our bed,
To sleep on with our smiles,
And lips hardly move to whisper the words,
That I'd say to you despite the miles.

Last to the blocks,
First across the line.

Slowest start,
Fastest time.

Broken wheel,
Realigned.

Pulled muscle,
Limped win divine.

Breathing heavily,
Then spluttered screams,
Then broken cries,
And shattered bones,
Spilling blood,
Spears of pain,
Tight throats,
Death.

Don't blame me,
It's always been this way.

In discovering the subtleties,
Of my collected thoughts,
I have caught,
Hold of myself.
But,
To your shallow understanding,
My choice defied fate,
I resigned to hate.
But,
How can you know the mind,
Which lies behind,
My closed eyes?

In my sleep beneath broken stars,
You examine the body of a boy,
Who fell, no, leaped from joy,
To find himself.
But,
To your shallow understanding,
There's no reason to guide,
My self divide.
But,
How can you know the mind,
Which lies behind,
My closed eyes?

In my distorted escape from normal,
I released my life,
Stung by words' knife,
To be myself.
But,
To your shallow understanding,
There's no more to me,
Than: white, male, fifteen.
But,
How can you know the mind,
Which lies behind,
My closed eyes?

Sometimes it feels impossible,
But smiling is just a few muscles,
And takes just a few seconds,
If you know who to talk to.

Leaning against the wall,
I imagined as bark,
The silence became,
The hush of leaves,
In lazy summer breezes,
The lonely air in my hands,
Became your fingers,
And the weight on my shoulders,
Became your head resting against me,
And your smile lightened my soul,
I let out a breath,
Which became a subtle kiss,
A soft promise to each other,
To you, my girl, I belong,
As my hair,
Which I imagined were longer,
Blew in the wind,
We held each other close,
Until in the lazy summer breezes,
We drifted to sleep,
Together.

Will the light of the morning,
Warm my soul,
Or the chill of night remain?

Will the rain that falls,
Bring new life,
Or fail to ease the drought?

Will the hands of fate,
Lead me home,
Or further from my path?

Will the eyes of man,
See my soul,
Or who I don't want to be?

In the arms of
Discordant fear
No relief is found
But fear pushes
Us away
Like a mother does a child
Though she knows
The child will
Hate her for it
She still chooses
To be alone
Over letting that child
Face harm
So do not hate fear
But welcome it's guidance
For fear is selfless
But life can hurt

It's been
Too long
Trapped
Lost
Confused
By nothing more
Than my own
Mind
But
Released
Perhaps
Yes
At last
Free
Sort of
Almost
Maybe
One day
I will not
Have to fear
Stepping
Outside
As
Myself

He's smiling,
But inside he's crying,
He's strong,
But inside he's dying,
He's laughing,
But inside he's shaking,
He's dancing,
But inside he's aching.

Then suddenly,
He's not lying anymore.

He's shouting,
Because inside she's angry,
He's standing up,
Because inside she's not afraid,
He's growing his hair,
Because inside she wants to be her sometimes,
He's ignoring them,
Because inside she knows if they can't accept her and him their words don't matter.

From the outside,
Everything seems worse,
Because he was hiding it all,
But now she is free,
He's recovering.

There is nothing,
I thought,
But empty horizons.

The open arms of solitude,
Have wrapped me in their embrace,
And the gentle lips of eternity,
Linger to kiss my face,
The soft breath of silence,
Brushes against my cheek,
Still the dark chill of fatigue,
Refuses to make me weak.

But in the embrace of solitude,
No warmth is to be found,
And the kisses of eternity,
Just keep my soul tied down,
And the brush of silence,
Does little to bring me peace,
Until fatigue's hand touches me,
And allows me to sleep.

And her hand touched mine,
And dragged me to a new life,
Where flames sing and dance.

I close my eyes
To imagine when I open them
I will see hers returning
My gaze

And I slow my breaths
To imagine as I do so
She shares the very air
I breathe

And I relax my arms
To imagine that when I wake
She will be in them, where
She belongs

And I close my lips
To imagine that my alarm clock
Will be her gentle whisper of
A kiss

And I release my soul
To imagine that in dreams perhaps
We are together for just
A moment

And I fall asleep
To imagine that in the morning
The distance won't seem so far
From my heart to hers.

Perhaps if I were richer,
We'd be in each others' arms,
If I could afford,
I would be there with you now,
And I would offer you everything,
My heart,
My mind,
My words,
My songs,
All of me I would give,
For the sole purpose,
Of letting your eyes light up,
And seeing you smile,
And laugh.

Perhaps if I were bolder,
I'd have dropped all my plans,
Halted my dreams,
So I could run to you,
And show you how I love you with all,
My heart,
My mind,
My words,
My songs,
Dedicated to you,
To just make you feel,
As precious as you are to me,
For those perfect moments,
Together.

I'm not rich,
Nor bold,
But my life is yours,
For as long as you want it,
I will be there for you,
For you, my Texan girl,
Have won this English 人's,
Everything,
And though far apart,
You'll never lose me.

It would have been easier,
If I had never met him,
It would have been easier,
If I'd known what he wanted,
It would have been easier,
To turn away before it was too late,
It would have been easier,
If I'd realised sooner,
It would have been easier,
If I'd given up then,
It would have been easier,
If I'd thrown it all away,
It would have been easier,
If I'd hated myself a little more,
It would have been easier,
If my life wasn't worth living,
It would have been easier,
To choose to end it then,
It would have been easier,
To seal my heart away,
It would have been easier,
To hide away my soul,
It would have been easier,
To lose everything,
It would have been easier,
To ignore the voice in my head,
It would have been easier,
To accept that I am who they say I am,
It would have been easier,
To refuse to believe I'm different,
It would have been easier,
But I'm glad I didn't,
I'm glad I kept going,
Because it's been harder,
But it's been worth it,
To know that I am now,
Who I want to be,
And to know now,
That I am loved,
And that I am still able to love now,
Despite it all,
It's been worth it.

Perhaps it's in the echo of each note,
Or the ring of each resonant chord,
Or the pulse of the soul of a song,
That which draws me in,
Captures all my mind,
Leaves me with no choice but to,
Reach out and let my hands,
Add their tune,
To the song in my head.

Sometimes all the right keys are played,
But I stop anyway,
As the right way clashes with,
The melody in my head,
Which is wrong,
Yet overrules the right.

And in my mind I hear,
The potential of symphonic,
Decoration on the framework,
Of a black and white,
Photograph of my emotion,
Which could be so much more,
Radiant with bursts and fades,
Of harmonic colours.

Music haunts me as,
Both a guardian and,
A curse.

There's just one,
Whose beauty fills my mind,
And plays upon my soul,
The perfect melody I find,
In my perfect girl who stole,
My heart and fixed it back together,
And I just want her mine forever,
My girl, my love.

There's just one,
Who keeps me up at night,
Then allows me to sleep,
She makes me feel so right,
She's the one I have to keep,
No matter how far apart we are,
I will always hold her in my heart,
My girl, my love.

There's just one,
Who can wipe away all the,
Shadows and tears,
And pain and fear,
And I cannot keep to structures when I try to express the joy I feel,
Every time her words reach me,
I know my words are not enough to say,
I love her,
So much,
My perfect girl, my love.

The clouds rise
As smoke from the breath
Of frigid walls
That burn in the night.

The blue deepens
As water from the tears
Of fallen angels
That cry in the dark.

The world sleeps
As time in the hands
Of broken people
That wait
wait
wait
for change.

I've forgotten how to flow.
To seamlessly merge one line with the next,
Was once second-nature to me,
But now I have lost that,
Replaced with disjunction.
Disconnected thoughts that,
Just.
Won't.
Fit together in any kind of,
Harmony or even agreement.
Perhaps what I've said all along,
Has destroyed me too:
Poetry is the bleeding of the soul,
Through the hand,
Onto paper.
But when the soul is confused,
Angry,
Discontent with itself,
It follows that words won't,
Follow on like they used to.
This could be the most honest,
Expression of my mind I've written,
For a long time,
Because I am not thinking,
I am not binding myself to structure,
Or a theme,
Or an image.
I'm just writing,
Hoping that perhaps something,
At least a little meaningful,
Will be portrayed,
Displayed,
Maybe even admired,
If luck smiles on these weary hands.
I have never endeavoured to find myself through words,
I prefer to be lost for words,
For the sake of poetry,
I can stop worrying,
Just.
For.
A minute about who I am,
Lose my inhibitions and scream,
Scream onto the page or screen,
That I am still alive,
And I need not know more than that.
So perhaps worrying about flow is pointless,
Because perhaps that's just where I am at the moment,
Somewhere a little less fluid,
A bit rougher.
And as I've reminded myself in tough times:
Pens write better on a hard surface.

My eyes are glaring,
I'm screaming inside,
And broken hopes fill my mind.

My hands are tense,
They're crushing competition,
In imagined fights.

My twisted mind won't stop shaking,
It's bleeding within,
And losing fast.

My rage is building,
Hurts more than it ever had before,
Until it's snapping my soul in two.

My pain I thought had gone returns,
For another round of torturous jeers,
Aimed at myself.

My destiny is uncertain but my anger lives on,
It never leaves through every corner of my life,
Always ready to lash out and destroy anything.

In the morning,
The smell of damp earth and traffic,
Overwhelms the senses,
Of a sub-urban girl.

The monotone beating,
Of rain invades the rhythm of my heart,
And reveals pulses not,
Constant noise.

With each pace,
Or stride she closes on her home,
Not her house but,
The abode of her smile.

Then constructed deadlines,
And the shrill alarms of modern time,
Drive her away and disconnect,
The joy.

But she takes a little more,
Happiness with her,
Each time she allows herself,
To be awake.

Awake,
Not in semi-slumber,
But eyes fully open to the beauty of the world.

A flash of violet,
Extends from the grey,
Broken stone,
Surviving with green,
In its hands,
And dirt,
Beneath its feet,
Within the valley,
of split rock,
Entangling in,
Roots the frail soil,
Spreading,
Parting the ****,
In seeming immortality,
With youth,
And new joy,
Colour restored,
But longevity taken,
The eternal existence,
Replaced with new,
Vibrancy.
Cling.
On.

This world is split.
There are people who believe in equality,
But they seem to be the minority.
There are people who believe their way is right,
Their traditional views are causing fights,
There are some people who don't care,
Others are unaware,
Despite the millions desperate for,
If nothing else, acknowledgement or,
Maybe one day something more.

But first, an end to the fear,
The irrational belief that when things appear,
Tough, it's the fault of those you don't agree with,
The ones who, maybe, just want to be with,
The person they love without taking,
The blame for everything making,
This ******* Earth weep,
When floods or disasters sweep,
Guess whose fault it is?
The he who fell in love with his smile,
Or the she who wants to carry her child.

Perhaps one day no one will protest,
Because he decided to wear a dress,
Or she chose to confess,
That despite her body she is a woman,
In a world where gender is defined by day one,
It seems unthinkable that his body is wrong,
But why does it matter to anyone else?
Just let her be a girl and keep your judgement to yourself.
Better still stop judging at all,
Because we're all human, it's not your call.

Attitudes are changing,
And talking to the next generation is uplifting,
Because there's a co-operative feeling,
Of acceptance.

It's just a matter of convincing everyone else.

If I chose to leave it,
Just give up now and live,
Just as expected by others,
Then it would be easier.

That's what I'm told,
That's why people ask "Why?"
Because they honestly believe,
It would be easier.

But they don't understand that,
In reality it would be easier,
But only for everyone else,
It wouldn't be easier,

For me.
It would fill me with self-hatred,
And dissatisfaction with,
Who I am pretending to be.

There is no choice,
There is no easy way out,
This is me,
And I'm not going to change,
Unless I want to.

He walks in,
First word in your head,
Judges immediately,
Based on what?
Some predetermined law?
The assumption that,
As you have been taught,
What he looks like is,
What she feels like is,
Wrong.
Maybe the way she walks,
Or how she smiles,
Casts doubts,
But you ignore,
All you see is him.
Please,
Look for her.

Am I falling or flying?
The rushing by my ears,
Holds no answers,
Beneath the screaming,
No whisper,
No code,
Just broken cries,
Or cheers?
Maybe I'm scared,
Or surprised,
By myself,
Or something,
More fundamental.
But in my uncertainty,
I catch a glimmer,
And feel the breeze catch,
My battle-worn wings.
Can I ever hope,
To keep my heart aloft?
Or are the holes in my defence,
Enough to render,
Me dead in the air?

I look in the mirror
And draw what I see
Let my hand guide me
Let the graphite mark paper
Every line judged and precise
But yet emotion drives me
And spills into the sketch
Which forms slowly
And takes on life
Until finally
A self-portrait
That doesn't match
Anyone's expectations
Except mine.