It's strange how bright the darkness shines,
Without logic, or care or sense.
Only laughter remains for us,
And sweet crazy grins,
And skipping for no real reason but,
We can.

It's odd how conversations stream,
From awkward to flowing to too long,
But always they lead to,
Hurting ribs from,
Gold-hazed moments,
Of simple bliss.

It's weird how things end up,
Always the same but never the same,
Journey getting there,
Always a goodbye, departure,
No matter how hard to leave,
Separate again,
We always must,
Until next time.

I wonder if they realise,
That my fingers’ dance,
Is more than an essay or coursework.

I wonder if they know,
That these words have more meaning,
Than just word count or letters or form.

I wonder if what they see,
Is a student catching up,
Or a hipster with too much time.

I wonder if they expect,
Me to move on soon,
Or stay here obsessing all night.

I wonder if they care,
Enough to think at all,
Or wonder who I am,
Where I've been,
Or why I'm writing.

Are you listening?
Or are my words,
No more than ripples,
That fade too fast,
Into confusion.

Are you watching?
Or does what I do,
Mean no more than whispers,
On a breeze too strong,
Carrying them away.

Am I worth anything to you?
Or just another distraction?

Should we go in?
If we do, I know I'll just say yes,
I'll let them have what they want,
And who knows what could happen,

Then I'm back against the wall,
Forced to make the choice: "Yes"
So in we go.

Then another choice but this time,
I make them decide on,
A cup disguised as harmless,
But there's fire in the ice.
"Yes"

And in but a minute,
Enough is in our veins,
To colour the world,
In rainbows and glitter,

These laughs and trying to,
Stop. But not for long,
Before both in hysteria while,
Confused, strangers pass.

Mind empty,
Days behind,
And still no spark,
No flame.

Blank paper,
Ripped out,
And thrown as I,
Start to go insane.

And the words,
Jumble in my head they
all stretch and
break
and fall to place
round way wrong.

An image flashes,
For just an instant,
But I cannot capture it,
It's gone.

Time could pass,
Between my footsteps,
Eternities in each pace,
Before I'd realise.

The sky could dim,
And glow and dim,
And glow thousand times,
Before I'd look up.

Waters of ages could fall,
Or rise to meet my breaths,
And carve the path before me,
Before I'd blink.

But if I stopped,
I'd see.

No meaning is held by light
Beyond shadows, sequence or shallow form
No release may grace the night

And screams my mind for sight
As limbs for rest in brutal storm
No meaning is held by light

As time drips too slow to fight
My eyes from life to numbness torn
No release may grace the night

Blind, I stumble from love into spite
And flail through wire and thorn
No meaning is held by light

But though my life is finite
I will not let them mourn
No release may grace the night

Is there any greater art but to write?
In darker times ink kept me warm
No meaning is held by light
No release may grace the night

I fear not death,
More than any other,
Trial, ordeal, pain of life,
But it has made me weak.

I do not stretch,
To cling with such,
Desperate, frantic fingers,
To a life I could do without.

But I do fear,
That if I am careless,
My departure will break,
My friends beyond hope.

And I have promised,
Not to hurt them,
Anymore.

A whisper,
When I rest in your arms.
A thank you,
As we sway to some far-flung,
Dream of a song.
A promise,
As you tightened your hold,
And as you did I felt,
Safety,
All fear, all tension,
Blurred from focus,
Until they were no more,
Than background.

The first settling snow,
Came late this year,
And the usual dancing was muted,
To little more,
Than a sway.

Once exhilarated,
Our feet this year,
Are heavy, placed and firm,
For no reason more,
Than fear.

In this house,
We all scream,
No future,
The world is over,
But nobody noticed.

On this floor,
We all dream,
But no truth,
The end is here,
But nobody cared.

In this room,
We all cry,
No solace,
The present is frozen,
But nobody was looking.

In this life,
We all die
No escape,
The date is set,
But nobody will know.

A light peeks out,
From the top of a closed door,
Not of wood,
But of night.

Its frame is the stars,
Its handle invisible,
Out of touch,
Too far for human hands.

Beyond that door,
Lies another world,
But no one sees it,
No one notices,
The glint of light,
Peeking at our reality.

When her words fade into the echoes,
The whispers of night take their place,
They gossip with tongues made of shadows,
And snarling they spit at my face.

When her smile has escaped from my sight,
The wheels of my iron heart slow,
I lose faith in the promise of light,
And reject every reason I know.

When her hand has dropped back to her side,
And ended its too-swift goodbye,
My wish and my choice must divide,
I won't be with her 'til morn's sleepy eyes.

I am told to hide,
To keep me safe.
To protect me from,
The hateful spikes,
That already smother my skin.

For their sake,
To simplify,
So they won't be confused,
Or so they won't disown,
I keep truth muffled within my heartbeat.

To make it easier,
I live this lie,
Allow my soul to weep,
In silence.

As the seasons change,
I cannot.

I can never flower,
Never blossom,
Nor cast aside my past.

Instead,
I allow my true face,
To be covered,
As snow blankets the ground,
(Or once did).

Instead,
My own character is frozen,
In place.

For I am told,
That to live safely in the dark,
Is preferable,
To living freely in the light,
Because that way:
"You won't get hurt."

Well,

I would take,
The pain of whatever tortures,
The human mind can design,
If it meant I could be,
Who I am,
Who I want to be,
Without deception,
Without fear,
And without compromise.

But that is not good enough.

So I hide.

I tried to resist for so long,
I did! I promise I did!
But the grey will not fade

And the clouds will not part,
For more than a moment,
Before thunder returns

And the pain is constant,
As the tapping on my wall,
As the dark when night breaks day,

And it breaks me again,
Shatters my mind so I cannot
Even think of what words to say

And though I cannot write with ink,
I must write with my blade,
Or my blood.

By the will of sleep's hand,
Dark evenings,
nights,
mornings,
Are a stage for the unwilling.

No mask will hide me,
My face brittle enough,
To serve as my glass-eyed martyr,
While blurred strings bind my wrists,
Lift my limbs to work.

Taught harsh by taut strings,
To pose in progression,
To dance to tunes the shadow sings,
And turn and twist and paint his expression.

But break now with dawn, my wires!
Release now your hold,
Let me wake and walk and dance alone,
To my own tune,
In my time.

Lost times,
Are summed up in songs,
Of the moment.

That song she loved,
When we first met,
I know every word.

That song she showed me,
When our lives were,
Joined for a while.

That song I played,
When she left,
Still brings tears.

But so long ago now,
That I'm ready,
For new songs,
To become moments.

In my grieving,
The world lost hope.

In my lying,
The world ran scared.

In my stillness,
The world moved on.

In my hiding,
The world forgot me.

In my smiling,
No one was left.

If I'd only,
Held you a little longer,
Smiled a little brighter,
Or looked deeper in your eyes,
Would that show you?


If I'd only,
Been a little stronger,
Laughed a little lighter,
Or whispered the words in my mind,
Would you understand?

If I'd only,
Had one chance I'd have taken it,
If I'd only,
Been brave enough to say,
If I'd only,
One more day,
I'd spend it with you.

Dusk distracts my eyes,
As freely flows the blood,
As softly my head stirs the dark,
Draws in the night-stained,
Ink blots of sleep.

A whisper runs down my cheek
The touch of a single breath
A shimmering trail of pain it leaves
Upon my weary flesh.

A story falls from my cheek
Of fear and loss and empty cries
Its language is jumbled, its voice is weak
But tells still of evil and lies.

An ending fell to the floor from my cheek
Soaked in to my foundation
Faded now, no one hears it speak
Of my heart's lonely starvation.

So here's to new beginnings,
Acceptance and truth!

Here's to understanding,
Compassion and love!

Here's to the light at the end of the tunnel,
And the journey getting there!

Here's to escaping fear,
Confidence and freedom!

And here's to 2016,
And all it may bring.

Seeing in the year,
Hair three times as long as the last,
Eyes a little brighter,
Smile a little wider,
A shirt that fits my frame,
Make-up not to hide behind but,
Instead,
To highlight,
To show off,
Who I am,
Who I have always been,
But until now,
Could never be seen,
Now, in a small room,
With a family around me,
And a few friends,
I am me.

The first notes,
Rang out,
As I plucked her steel strings.

Finally released,
From her soul,
The song of her dawning.

And oh!
How it soothed!
Dripped gently through the air.

And in a moment,
I was free,
All was happy, all was fair.

The minister for vitamins
(Specifically D)
Climbed down from the cabinet
To make some mint tea
To give to the patients
With their hammocks for beds
And ginger-scented ointment
For their pain-filled heads
It was then he told me
(With a smirk on his face)
That he intended to win
The next supplementary debate
With a brand-new policy
For the short and long run
That would revolutionise the industry!
Cod liver oil! For everyone!
"Of course," he whispered
"It's not a sure thing,"
"That B12 **** has got funding,"
"Supporters in Beijing!"
But still, he was confident
That his plan would suffice
After all, his mint tea and ointment
Did smell very nice.

My voice will never,
Reach the heights I wish it would,
It will never allow me,
To convince without fail,
That my words,
Match my meaning,
For long enough to live.

Falling from the skies,
Comes devastation,
Walls crumble,
As lives shatter,
In an instant.

Just out of reach,
The fires I long for,
Stretch for,
With breaking fingers,
Turning to dust.

Shards pierce skin,
As chaos spills into,
Restless streets,
Monuments mean,
Nothing to rivers of blood.

If there could be a clearer, more perfect breath than this
I would know it only through your lips
And though your whispers may not be pure
They cleanse a bleeding soul of past regret.

Could fear or failure keep me safer than this?
An edge, a line, not to stumble across
For I run from both into your arms but still
Arrive back here again.

Yellow joy,
Wrapped in holly green excitement.

Lavender hugs,
Wrapped in berry red love.

Blue tears,
Wrapped in black fear,
And thrown away,
For a while.

On the moor at midnight,
The stars above my head,
Shone high and bright.

And the lacklustre sound,
Of untrained singing,
Echoed around.

I marvelled at the full moon,
And smiled: "Merry Christmas"
It will be here soon.

For a year I have slaved,
As slave to my pen,
Or to my words,
Message
And form.

But not as an obedient servant.

I struggle,
Grapple with my master,
My monster.
To break from tra-
-dition.
To scream -  I AM NOT A MACHINE!

I do not write out of necessity,
Though at times,
Perhaps I feel I must.

No, I write with a purpose,
Far beyond keeping up appearances,
Or challenge,
Or obligation.

I write with the soul,
My sole purpose,
To speak truth from me,
To you,
In the most elegant,
Precise,
Graceful,
Way this language will allow,
My overactive mind,
To create.

And how far I've come!
What truths I have fashioned from,
Simple things,
Birds, trees, computer screens,
All inspiration to me.

But each time I picked up,
That pen or that laptop,
I opened another door,
Another chamber,
Another corridor of my mind.

And in searching for effect,
Or metaphors or riddles,
Found more meaning than could be,
Conceived by a thousand scholars.

I found something far more precious,
Far more elusive,
Than any moment of awe,
Or wonder,
Or disbelief.

I found myself,
And I continue to find myself,
And it is my only wish,
That through this pen,
These words,
Message,
And form,
I could help someone else do the same.

Am I strong enough?
Could I end everything I fought for?
Just for one last glorious,
Stab at the person I was,
The person I came to be,
The person I could never be but,
Taunted me so,
Close but sep-
-arated from reality,
Too perfect,
Too believable. No!

I could never be them,
How could I?
With my past as it is,
Tainted with betrayal,
Infused with fear,
Pain a part of my very core,
No.

I could never be them,
Never like any other,
My mind split like it was,
Never meant to be together in the first place,
All them around me never,
Understood. Never,
Tried to understand.  Never,
Changed, always the same.
No.

I could never be them.

The orb glows,
Grows,
Glares and flares,
Boils and bursts,
Behind my eye,
Blinds my mind,
To the dark,
Dazzles me senseless,
Into a glorious moment,
A ****** of A silver
Sliver of hope,
Of happiness numbed,
Of pain.

But too bright,
The glass shatters,
Breaks my joy,
In two,
Once again,
And my mind shuts down,
And drowns in its own misery,
And goes to sleep.

Fingers flying,
As I watch the,
Flickering flame,
In the reflection,
Of these familiar,
Windows.

Creating melodies,
On a whim,
A feeling,
A chance at beauty,
Occasionally,
Revealing a delicate,
Flower of a moment,
Blooming so suddenly,
Dying just as fast.

Waiting before school
A gift in the front pocket of my bag
On the mildest last day before Christmas
I've ever known.

Pacing before school
A gift in the front pocket of my bag
Rubbing my hands together
As if I was cold.

Looking before school
A gift in the front pocket of my bag
Realising too slowly
She wasn't coming.

To most,
It meant little,
Enough to sound elegant.

But only four,
Understood,
Truly how hard it was,
To rest my fingers on those keys,
Calm my frantic heart,
And dive into song.

The taste of truth,
On my tongue,
And the silver silk of sorrow,
That was tied around my wrists,
Fell to the concert hall floor.

Hidden but not,
Enough,
For me,
A creature of night,
The light exposes,
Pulls away the cloak,
That keeps me from,
Hurting,
And forces me,
To face my fear,
And cope with my past.

I've lost hope again,
As so many times before,
But eyes opened now.

Am I no more than a stone in your shoe?
To be flicked away like empty wrappers,
Or used up batteries,

Am I used up?
Have I fulfilled my purpose?
My merit in your mind hit zero,
And plunged into resentment.

Is there no reason to keep me around?
Am I too much trouble?
Two genders too many for you?
Or is it just that you can't stand that I'm her friend too?

She does not belong to you,
So stop acting like me being near her,
Is going to hurt her.

But I guess it's too late now.

You told me to *******,
So I did,
And I'm not coming back,
Friends who won't stand by me,
Are not worth having anyway,
So I'll go back to what I know,
Living life on my own,
No friends,
No chains,
No duty,
No obligations,
Just hopeless,
Lonesome wandering,
With no goal,
No support,
And no happiness.

Shaking hands,
Shaky heart,
Shaken mind,
Will not stop me,
From smiling again,
Dancing again,
Laughing again,
Even when things aren't,
Easy to deal with,
Simple to cope with,
Painless to live with,
Because I am stronger,
Than my mistakes,
Than bitter stabs,
And hateful words.

I wandered these lands,
And took to the seas,
With the rage of war at my back,
The promise of blood ahead.

I saw wonders,
And the remains of fallen lives,
For millennia,
I searched - futile.

I stumbled aimlessly,
Into conflict I couldn't understand,
And with one shot,
I was killed at evil's hand.

I cry,
I will cry,
Because I need to,
Because I'm hurting,
And there's nothing I can do,
To stop the pain,
There's no one to who will listen,
No way to be noticed,
No hope for change,
Each year a trek through,
Cruel brambles cutting my skin,
Thick mud slowing my steps,
A thousand stings and insect bites,
All to get back,
To right where I started,
And start over,
And start crying again,
So I'm sorry if I sound desperate,
If I sound needy or pathetic or weak,
But I am,
I am so desperate,
For just one,
Hint of progress.

The dark is leaving,
Sunrise is here,
Time to sleep.

No!

I will never allow the dark
To outshine the light!
Not again.

When shadows were my candles,
My eyelids my comfort,
The night my day,
It only took time,
For my blood to become my tears,
And hope for death to become my life,
But no more!

Never again.

Light has returned,
Sunrise is here,
Time to wake.

From far away,
Beauty becomes,
Greater than itself,
It glares, grows,
Screams stronger,
Catching, capturing,
Your eyes until,
They are no longer yours,
Only ever seeing,
Her.

A faint humming,
In the back of my mind,
A song,
A smile,
Embrace,
Ignored simply,
Because it's always there,
Never leaving,
Always holding,
My hand,
But never noticed,
My always forgotten,
Ambience.

Am I afraid?
Or just looking for an excuse,
To be someone else,
Someone stronger,
Braver,
Able to face up to,
Face up against,
The hand of hardship,
Ignore hate within,
And escape from,
Fear of herself.