i
always
knew
that
i
wasn't
attractive;
but
these
days
i'm
learni­ng
that
i'm
repulsive
too

my mom taught me when
i was a little girl at ten
to never chase after a guy
that often made me wonder why
because
naive I was
thought that if the boy i liked
didn't know he made my pulse spike
could end up with someone not me
so my interest in him should he see
but she was right like always
and now i sit here with rays
of died hope
which is difficult to cope
with the fact
that
he doesn't even know that I exist
then why should i persist?

I don't know why
I'm writing at this hour
when all I want to do
is look at the stars
feel their warmth
and love their light
understanding darkness
by learning from the bright
I know I'm damaged
to an extent of no repair
but still a part of me
believes in human care
to be wanted for who I am
-a mess arranged in layers
hard to know, harder to love
but never a betrayer

i don't want much

just a moment to breathe you in

your silhouette to touch

not an inch more of skin

i don't long for your attention

i'm happy to see you happy

not an ounce of your affection

i want to let you be free

i am not after your best parts

just the ones you hide

the dark deep pieces of your heart

those i want you to in me confide

i am not aiming for your mind

just the glimpses of your thoughts

that have me so inclined

towards you in all sorts


i am that girl who can look at you all day long

but will never let these feelings prolong

for i can't look at you when you look at me

-i can't muster up the courage to be

~y o u r s

why can't i let you go?
let things be like before
before....
i saw you standing there
of my interest- unaware
with your friends in deep talks
that made me pause my long walks
you're trouble knows my heart
yet seeing you makes it start
with a beat so profound
that it makes sounds
for you to notice me too
and exchange a word or few
but I battle with my brain
attraction is something to refrain
for all i've known is pain
and i can't go through it again
i try to kick you out of my mind
yet in the corners do I find
you lurking there in deep
making me want to keep
looking for you everyday
yet stay shut without a say
because i know this through
i ain't the one you'll want
so i want to not want you
because your ghost will forever haunt
me and my stupid senses
that are making me type these sentences

i am preparing for the crash

like all my decisions this too is rash

i know how it'll end

yet every rule i bend

look at you and then down

staring at you i'm found

i try to shake it off

but then i see you standoff

turning all about

letting go of all my doubts

i just can't suppress this change

i know it's way too strange

i've never felt so alive before

maybe that's why i always want more

but I'm not built for this stuff

my past keeps me in handcuffs

i know it'll be the same

yet can't i seem to stop

i will always be lame

in my own head up caught

tall and lean
oh a little bit mean
i like the way you look
-a guy from my book

easy on the eyes
a tempting prize
i like the way you smile
-even if i witness it for a while

dark deep stare
sinuous hair
i like the way you scrunch your nose
-making me curl my toes

calm and collected
temper-tormented
i like the way you are
-silent like a star

a piece of work
i can't seem to shirk
i like the way you think
-interesting to the brink ;)

i like you

but is it enough?
for me to not be tough
give-up my inhibitions
and ignore these superstitions!

you are my crush,
or just another adrenaline rush?