Chameleon

Chameleon Jan 2016

Tell me you listen to
Instant Crush and don't
feel your heart drop right out
of your shoes.

Chameleon Jan 2016

Stop

Ferociously,
quickly,
precisely,
I am picking at my hair.
Pulling on them from the root.
Sweet, odd, relief.
Followed by devastating guilt.
Why can't I beat this?
Am I really that weak.
Just
S t o p .

#trichotillomania

Chameleon Jan 2016

Normal

Sometimes,
well quite frequently actually.
I wonder if I'm depressed.
Oddly enough,
I don't know for sure.
Even on the best day,
I feel sad.
Anxious; always thinking about
tomorrow.
I am always tired.
Like, so much so that I am almost sure I could sleep for a week.
I love my job,
but I don't.
I hate being alone,
but I also don't like being around people.
I don't know if these feelings are just normal, something everyone feels.
Or if it's just me.

#depression

Chameleon Jan 2016

Battle #9,012

Sometimes I look at my hair and think,
oh it could be worse. I'm doing better.
And then sometimes I look in the mirror and feel that same horror as the first time I ever noticed what I was doing.
Nothing helps and nobody cares.
And I'm just stuck living with this every day, & it's really ******* hard.
I'm never going to beat trichotillomania.
Some day soon probably,
I'm gonna have to shave off all of this hair that I do have,
that took so long to grow.
Why can't I just stop.

#trichotillomania

Chameleon Jan 2016

Here ya go

Is it really a happy new year,
if I wasn't finished with this one.
I didn't achieve enough.
I didn't change enough.
You won't catch me making
a resolution;
life has yet to let me make one decision.
And forget nostalgia.
There isn't any here.
I am trying not to feel sorry for
myself as I sit here alone on
New Year's Eve.
No people, no drinking.
Just me, and a little ****,
and my hand still pulling out my hair.
Plucking away my bangs with ease.

Ah.

#happy #new #years

Chameleon Dec 2015

Sour apple

Do

not

take my picture.
I am
more
beautiful in

words.

Chameleon Dec 2015

Real

You are a ghost.
Your name is like this unspoken
word.
Everybody tip toes around it.
Like maybe I can't handle hearing it.
You haunt me.
Late at night when the buzz is
just right and the moment is good.
It's like you were never real.