I didn’t want to fall apart mid-sentence,
So I said less and asked more questions.
Tuned out love songs, skipped our street —
I made avoiding you look complete.

I smile and nod when your name is mentioned,
As if it doesn't pull me out of the conversation
They throw it around casually, like it's not cutting right through —
I guess I never got to cry out about you.

My hand is on your chest
Our bodies still leaning
Into a loosened hug
I feel the breath
Escape your lungs
And your eyes on mine
Mirroring the question in my heart
“This forever please?”

It all becomes unwritten
Memories of smiles erased
Moments shared replaced
Sheets changed and detergent new
Let’s leave all the haunting in June.

Please
Turn towards me
I want to store your words
In the broken parts of my chest
Let them roll around my head
And tumble down my cheeks
Wrap them around me
Like the hugs I will never feel again.
Have them caress the parts of me
Only you are allowed to touch
Give me you
In a way beyond physicality
I want what buzzes in the spaces
Between your blood and bone
I want you.

Light brown, dusted with specks
Of mischief and kindness.
I don’t dare blink.
Soaking in every second
Our gazes continue to meet.

the hurt you are capable of?
the true shadows of your soul?
do you honestly feel worthy of love?
Do you not feel the guilt and shame
as sludge on your boots, keeping you
Rooted in a puddle of self loathing?
Perhaps hurricanes have come and will come
To wash away your sins and blow away
The memory of your past misgivings.

I have not stopped silently screaming
Into the world what you have done.
The nightmares worsen
Each shower hotter than the last
Each haircut shorter
The fear
The regret
And most of all
The hatred.