Red
I remember the crimson glow that use to leak from my thighs
I miss it
Gray
My skin turned an awful shade of grey but it was wrapped around bones
Not fat
Pink
Little scars along my legs
They're screaming
Blue
All the pills I took to not feel so alone
I'm still lonely
Purple**
The rings around my eyes from when I couldn't sleep at all
They're still there

far from asleep, anxiously waiting
for the sun to peel away
the husk of the moon so
i know that i survived another
long lonely night.
nowhere feels like home anymore.
i'm stuck in the shadows of my
own thoughts, i am being consumed
by the darkness.
the authenticity of my escape
begins to wear thin and is
beginning to seal shut,
            
               I RUN FOR IT, BUT I'M NOT FAST ENOUGH.

hands covered in white paint,
a paint brush is in my hand.

instead of leaving to be set free from these shadows that haunt me,
i stayed to create something i could have had.

*i am my own worst enemy

each and everyday
you prove to me that you're evolving
into someone who's trying
their very hardest to make it through
when all you really have is you

you're proving that you are no longer
an addiction to needles
pumped with a high waiting to make you low
you're proving that you're more
than IV cords, hospital beds and wasting away

you're becoming what i always knew you were

you sought, you pondered through ideas, thoughts
of life and death
you scribbled them out
with harsh lines and heavy ink
you began to see the big picture
and your eyes of realization
should have been of those
in movies
with a loud applause

You're such a joyful spirit
Painted vibrant yellow
I wonder what went wrong
And where you are now?
Are you just as cheerful now?
Do you dance around the graveyard at night?
Singing loud for all the other ghost
Who roam the night restlessly?
Please tell me what you're doing
Tell me how you are.
Are you dancing in the graveyard?

I should hate you
I should want to burn every single picture of us
into flames and laugh about it
I should be able to listen to a love song
and not think of you
but I can't

I should be able to be with another boy
and kiss him and hold his hand
and not think of you anymore
and how we used to hold hands
without either of us realizing it
and it just happening

but the truth is
I can't hate you
because no matter what I do or where I go
or what I listen to
you're the one that has my heart
and even though you broke it
I still love you with all the pieces

ive been told my whole life
that i was crazy instead of brilliant
so i grew up thinking
that my opinions were wrong
and my ideas were impossible
until i looked in the mirror
for the first time at beautiful words
scribbled across my mind
instead of words i'd always come to regret
carved into my body with metal
dipped in red ink