“i can’t stop smiling”

you said
we were walking
to your house
from a spot
you just showed me
which i already know
will be my favorite place
in the world
cause it overlooked our town
and it’s where you asked me
tobe your girlfriend

“you’re really my girlfriend”

you said, in awe
i really was
and i really wanted to be

“you’re a dork”

i replied, anxious

“well i’m your dork now”

said you
and i blushed
i was smiling too
i felt so happy
to now have you

and from then
i would catch you smiling
at me
laying in your bed
or in my passenger seat
you would say
the sweetest things
and play with the hair
on my head
and i could always see
the excitement
that sparked
in your eyes
when i would come over
just to waste some time
with you
by my side

so how did you do it?
how did you leave
so easily?
did it mean nothing
to you
when it meant everything
to me?

i’m trying
to fall in love
again
but your touch
still haunts me
and your voice
still chills me

we talked
and we talked
about our new lovers
and our past
and you said some things
i wish i felt the same

you don’t know
and maybe
you never will
but i’m sure you’ll hear
i doubt my ability
to love again
in the ways i loved you
in fact
i doubt that i ever stopped
loving you

do you feel the same?
do you remember the promise we made?
would it be insane
if you knew these things?

i don’t know
but i’m sure soon enough
sober thoughts
will become drunken words
and you’ll hear my pain
and maybe then
i’ll find out
if you feel the same way

i know
i am hard to love
but you
do not know
and now
you’ll never know
how hard i love
when i love

sometimes
my morning coffee
tastes like you
then the feelings
rush back
like we just met
yesterday

your fingertips
on my skin
like soft sunlight
kissing the seas

my fingers
through your hair
like gentle wind
amongst bumble bees

but my heart
you broke
like cracking thunder
through the breeze

you felt so calm
but you left
my skin grew cold
like storm-broken trees

a fool i was
to think of you
as different
to have expected
a fairytale
but i guess those
only happen once

again
i had false hope
but i really thought
it’d be different this time

again
i gave too much
came off too strong
and scared you away

again
i thought you were true
but you liked the idea
not the reality of me

of course
i got my hopes up
of course
i thought different this time
of course
i was wrong again
of course
i should have known better

all i can think about
sadness contagious
all i can speak about
frustration outrageous
even in dreams
laughing and joyful
while in my presence
vision sparkles
but when i awaken
empty again
wish i could make dreams
reality, say when

perhaps,
the most abuse i have experienced
was not when my ex boyfriend
controlled, threatened, or lied to me
but perhaps
it's the relationship
between two people
i call mind and body

you see,
mind and body are in a relationship
but mind is insecure and jealous
but body loves mind so much
they put up with it,
mind has forced body
to pick at wounds
and run blades
over their fair skin,
mind has told body
not to eat so much
so body began overeating,
but then mind forced them
to shove a toothbrush
at the back of their throat
to bring it back up,
mind has made body
overdose on laxatives
to the point
of almost no return,
but it's not too late
for body to heal

in fact,
it is finally time
for mind to realize the pain
they have caused body,
it is time for mind
to apologize
and change their ways,
and it is time
for mind to accept
body as they are
because all body ever wanted
was the acceptance
and the love of mind

and perhaps,
mind has finally come to peace
within themself
to help reverse the damage
they have caused to body
because all along
body cared so deeply
about mind
that they never gave in
to the signals that maybe
it was time to end things
for the both of them

but you don't have to worry
about that happening,
mind and body are working
on their relationship now
so that time
will never come
for either of them

i was yours. i was fine with it at first, i was completely fine, in fact i was begging you'd invite me into your heart. and you did. and i was shocked. you let me in? you began loving me? our eyes met once, and from then on we immediately knew we were in love, but had no idea of it yet.

only two weeks pass. we were awkward, we began talking. i couldn't believe you even looked back at me that first day.

"i really wanna kiss you right now. would that be okay?"
i don't know, would it? i said yes of course.  i was breathless, shaking, nervous. i wanted to kiss you too. so when you leaned in, i leaned back, and for the first time our lips touched and my stomach felt like it was rising into my ribs.

a month later. can you take off my clothes?
of course, i was willing, i was also nervous and had to keep swallowing from throwing up fear. i let you open me, release my thoughts and emotions and have me completely. i was yours. but of course, i was already yours to begin with.

a year later. you said you didn't love me anymore. i can't believe i stayed with you, begging you to love me again. the other day i came across our old messages and i felt ashamed, embarrassed. i couldn't believe how desperate i was for you to want me back like you did before.

six months later. we were still together, but i left you this time. i was serious. i didn't think you loved me anymore, like you had said. i thought we were over. but you called me, crying, begging for me back. you reminded me of all our memories and i even remember some things you said that mended my heart, not broke it. those words were what brought me back to you.
"i have been crying all day, i haven't left my bed. i've been crying over you."
"i don't wanna move on. i want you."
"i still remember that first day you walked into class and how i immediately knew you had to be mine."
"but how i felt that moment when i first saw you, i don't wanna feel that way with any other girl. and i won't be able to. only you."
"i'll miss you."

i died a little on the inside. no, more than a little. you had blocked me on everything possible, that's why you couldn't see my messages. i asked your friend to check them. you did. you were so happy, you cried even more, i cried.
"can i come over?"
i said i didn't know yet. i was scared. but the next day i told you i regretted it. so you did. and you brought my favorite snack, and i hugged you. we couldn't stop smiling, i was already in tears. i held you so tight for a moment, i didn't wanna let go. i knew before you came over you were hoping i would kiss you, and i was scared to. i was frightened. but when i leaned away, i looked up at you and you were the one who looked scared. and i kissed you. and i could feel the relief in your lips as your arms gripped me tighter and my heart pounded. i was yours.

screaming, tears
you left again
no words said
i sat outside, cold
wind touching me
in every way
that i wish you would

you're my addiction; my drug
painkiller to my pain
but my pain?
i'd say you

curse at me, curse me
i'll retreat
tears at my feet
but you won't care -
you never do

lies; i make you happy?
how can that be
when you're laughing
with everyone
except around me

my skin has grown
cold and pale
absence of love
making me frail
but my heart still sparks
when you reach for my hand
other than that?
whispered ***** secrets
between the sheets
i'm then left to strip
guilt built over me

shaky, anxious
i'm not who i used to be
you've killed the me
who only ever wanted
complete release

no longer feel pain
when i cry, no tears come
only aching in my chest
from empty numbness
that you left

and yet you probably will leave again
and i won’t doubt that that you do
that you’ll never come back
telling me everything
about me
that makes you feel worthwhile


cause all i do anymore
is upset you
cause i’m mentally unstable
around the people
you wish i weren’t
and when i cry
you never hold me anymore
anyways


i still remember
and i’ll always remember
the things you’ve said about me
i know i drive you insane
that you think i’m a baby
immature
that i make you wanna put a bullet
through your head
and i don’t blame you
sometimes i wish
i could put one
through mine too

a.n.

and i bet you'll leave again
and not call me
at 2 am
crying anymore
begging me, telling me
every reason
that you need me
to even breathe

and i bet you'll walk away
with tight lips
kept shut
refusing to speak
of what went wrong with me

and i'll dwell
with old songs
stuck on rewind
and memories
stabbing
through my skull
and setting my body
on fire
and i'll be too frail
to gather the strength
to skip a song
we used to call our own

and my pillows will be stained black
and smeared red
from washed mascara
when my mother
tries to ask me
what's wrong
and dried blood
from when i scratch
my skin raw
in my sleep
filled of dreams
of what once was
a reality with you

a.n.

a hollowed body
i own
half-empty of disappointments-
pale exterior, a blank canvas
once innocent; so pure
but he touches me
we collide- stars exploding
too foolish to retreat, his words broke me
ached and scarred
his touch, poisoning
overfilled me until i d r o w n e d
no longer half-empty
i gasped, but no air found
suffocated
by my own fault
all we desire, is to be happy
but happiness
is frightening

a.n.

i should have known
i'd never get
a fairy tale of my own
but of course
i was silly
blinded by my mind
imagining us
together
happy and in love

a.n.

what a privilege it must be
to have made a girl love
and hurt
so much
she wrote enough
to fill a novel
all
about you

a.n.

i miss loving you
even if
you never loved me
in return
i miss imagining
a future with us
and i miss having
my heart broken
by you
i miss you making me feel
on top of the world
and under it
at the same time
i miss all your characteristics
like the sound of your voice
and the feeling of your skin
on mine
i just really miss
everything about you
that made you
who you are
and made me love you
more than i
have ever loved
myself

a.n.

i'm the type of girl
who will scribble your name
onto my homework
over and over
until my wrist starts to hurt-
who loves to stand in the woods
and listen to the secrets
the blowing wind
whispers through her hair-
who can't go a day
without a cup of coffee
to wake up my insides
when feeling hollow-
who will catch myself
singing old love songs
that remind me of you
but sadden my soul-
who's lips will quiver
and hands will shake
when you ask me a question-
that would sit beside you
in complete silence
not knowing what to say-
who's mind eats her inside out
when left alone-
who has scars on her soul
but stood strong all those times
simply for your existence-
who would stumble into your arms
while drunk and vulnerable
looking for someone
to carry me home-
who would open up to you
if you asked me to
while laying beside you
on the hood of your car
staring out at the stars
when it's past my curfew

you asked me a question
you already knew the answer to
probably just wanting
to hear my voice
give into you
but i tried my hardest not to
so you came closer
and spoke of nonsense
i've always dreamt of
talking about
with you
and made my soul flutter
but when you would ask me to talk
my hands would get lost
and my lips quiver
leaving my words
to tumble out
like a shiver
and right in that moment
of my fear and anxiety
body shaken and unsteady
would have been the perfect timing
for you to lean in
and plant your lips upon my own
but sadly
you didn't
for you don't feel the same about me
as i do you
and we were in public
not in secret
like i have always imagined
and lastly
you were taken by her
but i was taken away by you
a long, long time ago

i learned a lesson long ago
not to trust or believe anyone you know
they are full of it
they think they know it all
what’s best for you
but it’s not true
they’ll do anything they want
they’ll get in your way
as long as there are pleased
you are ** either way
you’ll never get what makes you happy
not if someone rules your life
makes all your decisions
or decides what’s wrong and what’s right
they’ll lead you into the wrong path
the wrong way to go
and I know exactly where it’s headed
but you don’t want to know
you’ll become overwhelmed, panicked, in fear..
you’ll experience unknown feelings you’ve never felt, my dear
telling them what’s happened
won’t help in any way
no one will believe it
no matter what you say
they’ll call you names
they’ll call you crazy
don’t even try, or else they’ll put you in a cellar
keep you locked up, holding you inside
forcing the torture down your throat
it will happen, i know
if you follow in another’s path instead of creating your own

i wish it were you
saying you're sorry
over how you never loved me
the same way
i loved you
but it's not
it's me
i'm the one who's sorry
i'm sorry i was never good enough
sorry i never tried hard enough
or caught your eye
i'm sorry i wasn't as beautiful
as you would have wished
sorry i was too ugly inside
for you to love me
i'm sorry that no matter how hard
i tried
you never noticed
you never took interest
and never seemed to care
i'm sorry you never felt
the same way
as i felt
for you
i'm sorry
and it should be you
telling me you're sorry
that you never
loved me back
and put me through
all those years
of pain
tears
hopelessness
and
crushed dreams
because you never
ever
took notice in me
or were gentle
when it came to
my feelings
for you
but it's me who's sorry
sorry i was never
good enough
for you
and someday
i hope you
can forgive me too