what do you say I'm worth?
your time, your money, your old habits?
I want to be better, but I said that yesterday.
Care to rekindle this and say I'm yours?
For September's sake?

officially going off the deep end
into a dark city where they tend
to only have two choices

feel the pain or drown in drugs
keeping warm at night with a hug
from a complete stranger

whilst you might still feel the pain
at least you're numb, though not sane
from the thoughts haunting

state your name
read the sentence
"today I am happy."
Say it again
Say it again

state your name
read in between the lines
"today I am happy."
analyze it
analyze it again

state your name
don't read it,
just stare at the space in between
the letters.

Maybe it’s because I like to watch the sun rise

Maybe it’s because it reminds me of your eyes

Maybe it’s because I don’t do well with the dark

Maybe it’s because I can’t sleep without your arms

But perhaps it could be the calm sounds of the city streets

Or the emptiness I feel in between my sheets

Watching a new day be born again and again

Hoping this day could maybe have a different end?

Or perhaps it could just be my mind choosing this time

To routinely overthink, becoming trapped inside these rhymes.

dearest casual *** partner,

the surprise doesn't surprise me anymore
the short texts just don't cut it
and I'm tired of my heart feeling sore.

your habits are starting to annoy me
your body has started to change
you're pathetic and I wish you'd see

I'm over being scared to get personal
I'm over the immaturity of your brain
your presence is not good nor educational

so guess what, I'm not answering this time
you're not dragging me through depression again
take this as a warning, take this as a sign
to finally get your **** together,
refine.

mind running faster than the words can escape my mouth

   so

I just sit there

listening and looking at you.

Your room is a mess,
Your mind is high,
And I'm yours for the night.

Your touch is mesmerizing,
Your passion is surprising,
This night is different than the rest.

Your sentences hide things,
But your body is honest,
Though the morning is no different.

I'm used to your nature,
I'm used to your vibe,
Just thought it could be different this time.

this is the longest I've gone without talking to you
and I feel renewed, me again, and happy
but you sent me videos of you with past people today
and it got me wondering, because I used to think,
you were the one who moved on faster, but no
now it makes sense, because you
you used to think I moved on fast
did you get a girlfriend to try and move on faster?
to try and be the first one because you knew,
I'd eventually be just fine without you?
I hope your strategy works because I'm not coming,
back to you.

I feel I have finally begun to move on
It's exciting, yet terrifying
I don't want to forget what we had,
but I really do at the same time.

Seeing you with someone else hurts,
but it's just what I need,
and I selfishly hope you keep trying,
to talk to me but I won't answer

goodbye torr, 'twas a good run,
I secretly hope she's not as much fun...

I got tired of hearing this boy's cruel words

I tried to ignore, but oh I heard

"You're a girl. You ****. You should quit!"

I couldn't take it anymore I spit

I skated over and I punched his helmet

He probably didn't expect that coming I bet

I dropped my gloves and we began to fight

The whole team turned, what a sight

The parents gasped and the coach blew the whistle

We were soon both doomed to our dismissal

I skated behind him as he slowly stepped off the ice

I was still furious so I pushed him hard, twice

He fell to the ground where all the parents were standing

I stepped over him, slammed the door to the locker room, and began venting

It was our last hockey practice and I was so mad

The locker room door suddenly opened, it was my dad

He came over to me, but I just stared at the floor

He said, "Hey good job. Shoulda gave him some more."

Then he gave me knuckles and I smirked quite a bit

I knew I taught that boy a lesson: I never quit.

I think I'll always remember this one car ride with my brother

Because we were never close, but this time I was able to uncover

Some of the things about him I had always wanted to know

But was too shy or too immature, to ask though

It was already dark, I saw the stars above

The buzzer blew, I said goodbye--well kind of

I got into the car with Scrunch, exhausted from cheering at the football game

Then panicked- I didn't like silence, but I guess I was the one to blame

Because surprisingly he started the conversation, turning the music down

And then we talked about relationships and he said he didn't like the sound

Of having a girlfriend just yet,  then he said something else weird

He liked girls with short hair, I said hey that's ok I don't mind beards

I was finally getting to know him, oh I was so happy

But then he said one of my friends ain't too shabby

Okay, woah, that was a little too far

But who am I to judge, he's my older brother, he's a star

We pulled in the driveway and I almost didn't want to get out

I surely had a good time without a doubt

My brother is pretty cool now, I can actually talk to him

And because of that, I sure did grin.

We fished all morning, then decided to take a break

And went back inside where we didn't feel like we were being baked

We decided to make the usual mac n cheese for lunch

My two brothers, their three friends, and I munched

We'd probably watch movies for the rest of the day

Or go upstairs with the giant bean bags, we'd play

But when we finished our meals our parents came in

And told us not going outside on this gorgeous day was a sin

So we came up with a plan to try to have some fun

While being outside in the exhausting, humid sun

We got all of our paint guns, goggles, and gloves

And went into the woods and tried to look above

In search of something we could hit just for the heck of it

So we started shooting trees and branches, it was stupid I'll admit  

But we were having such fun shooting and joking around

Until one of our neighbors I guess heard the sounds

Perhaps they thought the paint guns were real guns

Because the next thing we knew, the police were there sayin “Sons…”

At just eight years old, I thought we were all going to jail

The police officer was talking to me and I turned completely pale

But it turned out to be a warning-- don't go behind our neighbors' yards

My parents were so angry but I was relieved not to be behind bars

We were put to do chores for the rest of the time

Apparently shooting the stop sign was a crime?

So we were forced to wipe all the splattered paint off

Until it was clean, then I turned to my brother, under my breath I coughed

“They still don't know about the rocks…” And I smirked.

I sat through the hour long mass, and as soon as we needed to stand

I got up, reached for my dad’s itchy blazer, wanting to hold his hand

Oh no he was too quick and the crowd started to rise

I lost him in the millions of fancy shoes; I started to cry

I looked up at the arched cathedral and noticed the lights

How they would change colors if I stared hard, they became bright

All the sudden I was pushed and shoved and scattered about

I was caught in the middle of the crowd, wanting to get out

I saw the doors finally and rushed between and around the legs

A familiar itchy blazer appeared, “Please, be my dad.” I begged

Is it my dad? Oh he's turning around!

I went up and hugged him, but I didn't recognize his sound...

THIS WASN’T MY FATHER; it was some other guy!

I cried once again and felt as if I had died

I stormed down the stairs, then to a place I felt safe

On the playground with my best friend Kate

We played and we laughed and went down the slide

Then a familiar itchy blazer came walking by, “Sweetie it's time for the ride.”

I was relieved to see my dad and said goodbye to Kate

And told her next time we should have a play date

I grabbed my dad’s hand while crossing the parking lot

I knew we'd soon be at brunch at my favorite restaurant.

Following, followers, fake.
Is my mind trapped inside?
"Be your on leader, make yourself better."
How can I through this system?
Where all I can be is just a fan.

I don't think anyone will ever understand us
But that's okay because we understand each other
I will never feel as strongly for someone again
And that's okay because at least I got to feel what it's like
To be purely happy just lying in bed looking at you

I know we could be apart for years,
And still be in love as we are.

It hasn't been easy without you,
I lost myself many times,
I just can't wait to see you again.

How do I know when something is real
Again, I've put myself into oblivion
And, I'm not sure of any feeling anymore.

I must keep moving, but my legs will not budge.

I had a night like yours I suppose.
I know this because I woke up,
Not being able to remember you like I had,
Not being able to remember your body,
Or the events of our evening together.
I woke up and I was happy about this,
This lack of feeling feels good,
I see why you do it.

dark skies in his dilated eyes
here is addiction at its finest

after he smokes he does some coke
as I watch him naked with infatuation

here's a snapshot of a thought
we're both doing this for the same reason

"I feel like I don't know you well enough to..."
No, you don't. You don't know me at all.
I laughed when you called me a sociopath.
Do I like that I come off as one?
"I have too many emotions."

I'm b
        u
          s
           y.

"I'm close to being happy."

I find it fascinating
     Truly worth pondering over,
           That I have experiences you will never understand
                And, you the same.

I find it fascinating
    Truly worth pondering over,
         That I had it so good once and so did you,
              Now, we lay together.

It's truly fascinating that, now, WE lay together.

I am starting to believe you do not exist,
The real is becoming like a dream,
And I cannot fathom what is to come next.

Past, present, future are all intertwined,
And all the sudden,
It is as if you were always there.

Distraction through music does not work,
Because somehow there is always a song,
That sparks some reality of you.

I wouldn't write as much as I do now,
Maybe it was better that way,
Because now my every thought is you.

I try and get some work done,
But then end up writing these words,
I don't want to forget or remember.


Complete and utter chaos in my head.

You took that song away from me

But for some reason I listen to it more

I wish I had it back

I wish…

I ponder if you ponder me
Are we both feeling this confusion?
I'd just wish you'd ask, see
Or is what I'm seeing an allusion?

I tried not to like you, I really tried
But I actually think you're the one
Who ruined the "casualness" guide
You're the one saying people **** up, ***.

2:41 am is quite the time
To let your thoughts wander
Until they become slime
That seeps through your skin
Until you can take it no more
And must take a note for a min.
This is the worst it's been in a while
I want to ask you for help
But I think you'd find that vile
I thought about things today
That I haven't in a long time
Including "Oh my" I'd say
And middle school years
Rebellious and Oblivious
I miss innocence, not careers
Letting my emotions take control
I make a puzzle of words
That act as a gate to my soul
I wish you'd read this now
And hold me tight as ever
But who you are keeps changing.

I am a peach pigment lost in nostalgia
You are a black flower out of touch with reality
I used to fly freely as an organic shape,
Then the stars fell into your bed that night.

Nostalgia is now everywhere but not with you,
You, Black Flower, are my reality,
But I'm still not sure if it's real.

I become a peach pigment in oblivion
The black flower will choose my escape
But I start to wonder if you will ever decide.

Mom and Dad, brothers and sisters, and horses too,
Big house, lots of land, catholic school, and friends (few),
This is how I grew up until I turned the age of five,
Till my parents got in a plane crash and did not survive.
My siblings took care of me from then on out,
Moving to different places here and there, no pouts.

Fast forward to graduating high school and on my own.
I went to college sheltered and trusted everyone I’d known.
I learned that was wrong and moved back with my sister,
Because she started getting sick and didn’t get better.
I switched colleges there so I could be with her
And still didn’t know what I wanted to be—that, I can assure.
I graduated college and decided I needed a change.
A new place to call home—yeah, that could be arranged.

So Atlanta here I came for good weather and people.
Didn’t see this one coming, but there I was in a steeple.
To get married to my true love whom I’d grow old with,
And wow, this southern man was quite the wordsmith.
He made as many puns as he could within a conversation,
And, our love eventually was put forth through three creations.

Though I had much tragedy in my family as a young girl,
My husband and children became the light of my world,
However I began to lose my siblings from suicide and cancer,
But I stayed strong for my family and looked to God for the answer.

And as I eventually told my story to my own kids,
The memories came crashing down and, woah, were they vivid,
Tears streamed down my face but I knew they would understand,
Even when my mother’s song was sung in church and I could not stand.
They understood my sudden reflective instants,
And when to hold my hand, hug, or kiss as an assistance.

My kids are my best friends and I love to spend time with them all.
I support them in everything they do and we always have a ball.