did you truly love me or getting in my pants?

saying*  *i love you  out of habit vs. **meaning it

you act like something that comes out of an ***.

always use a ******;
you would be a horrible father.

i can't believe you can say such cruel things to someone that you once loved.

but honestly what does a ******* know about feelings?

let's take a walk.
a walk back to history.
yes i'm aware that's in the past and clearly the past means nothing to you but at one point it did so please at least pretend to be attentive.

well we can start with
the day we met.
oh did you think that was something i could forget?
don't try telling me you don't know what i'm talking about-- we're both well aware of your memory.

kennywood park.
somehow both of our groups met up and we got to talking. only small chit chat. we ended up riding the phantom together. i pretended to be forced into it but not gonna lie i liked you. you made me feel something.
at the time that ****** me off. having a feeling made me mad. keep in mind i was a ******* then.
you liked me too. i knew it and that made me even more upset. i was a ***** to its truest definition. you liked me at my absolute worst.
at one point i was so awful that i finally pushed you away. honestly, i was upset that you stopped trying but i was in even more shock that you tried in the first place-- i mean, look at me. (i know you can't bare to anymore so i'm sorry.)
after my ***** phase, you were long gone and i pretended not to notice but here i am still telling you about it.
i hit rock bottom. i was in the middle of the ocean and i was touching some sort of ground and let me tell you it was deep but i guess mentally i had a choice in it all. i didn't mean to choose depression but i guess i must have. by the way i am an awful swimmer and i knew that diving in but maybe i wasn't hoping to come out alive.

so anyways, yes i was sad all of the time and no i could never figure out an answer of why. i tried to blame it on my friend dying and sometimes the way other people treated me but let's be honest here, i deserved all of that and truly i was just ****** up. still am though. but in that darkness of it all sometimes i got to see this little bit of light. i started to realize that you were often there when this light was on.
this one night we were at a fire together and it's funny because something else sparked between us and we had our own fire. ours lit up my dark room and **** it was nice to see again.
we kept talking and talking and more led to more and then we got into some deep **** but i wasn't scared of the deep end anymore because i knew i could trust you.
oh my. when you asked me on our first date i couldn't even handle it anymore. even my darkest corners were radiating with happiness. i had absolutely no temptation to go back down under.
and thank you. thank you thank you thank you. seeing above the water was so nice. i finally got a taste for life instead of salt water. and i was addicted. completely obsessed. i know you noticed it because you knew it wasn't a game anymore and maybe that's where i started to lose you.
i actually have no ******* clue where i lost you i'm just kind of on this guess and check process. and it's really ******* hard. i guess i'm good at math but only when it's equations and **** that makes sense but honestly i've used every reference sheet i've been given to try and figure this one out and i can't ******* get it. it's been bothering me. i can't stop scratching at my skin and pulling out my hair. i don't even mean to. i don't start to pick up on what i'm doing until an hour later and it starts to burn. but that's fine i can manage that. what i'm asking for you is some sort of clue. i need an answer jake and i don't know how much longer i can take until i go back under. i know i can't rely on you as my floatation device but i've found some stand-in replacements for the time being. i'll be okay. please just give me your solution. i am officially begging you i need this. i know you don't care about me anymore but i know you once did so please help me out just one last time.
i know you aren't who you were anymore because time changes us all but come on help a ******* girl out. i used to be your favorite girl in the world. doesn't that mean anything to you anymore? i guess not.
i can feel these floaties beginning to lose air and honestly i don't know how much i care. i think i'm starting to go back under. i'm pretty sure i told you i can't swim well. i'm sure you remember. maybe you're beginning to form a selective memory to try to forget everything behind us. i know. i'm trying too but this is definitely a scenario of easier said than done.
my goodness i forgot how much i liked the taste of salt water and i really do enjoy this darkness. i guess this is goodbye..

*side note: you loved me through a lot, jake. and thank you. you've changed me as a person and i can say i have no regrets. but you loved me through my worst and to my best. but then you started going downhill. you're changing and that's all okay i understand. but you loved me at rock bottom and now that you're just in a little bump you expect me to leave? i pushed you away at one point and then you came back and look at what blossomed between us. i don't know where to go. i know i can love you through this but i'm not sure if you actually want me to. you're so much stronger than me and mentally you could deal with all of my havoc but my biggest weakness is how i think of myself so i don't know how much longer i can stick around. i'm sorry. please give me something to work with.

one time,
when you were dropping me off,
i had put my music in.
i know this was "big"--
you constantly reminded me.
but it made me smile
how you'd continue to let me.
i put on this one song
and i think you actually liked it.
you asked me if i listened to
the lyrics
or the sound.
i didn't really know.
i said both a little.
you told me it was about the lyrics.
i agreed
and said i liked when the artist
kept a metaphor the whole way through.
i don't know that you really listened
but you nodded your head.
so let's pretend for a moment
that you truly did agree with me.

listen to me.
my poems are my lyrics.
so connect with them.
i am an artist.
please just try to understand
for once.
i've put my thoughts in these metaphors
hoping you could grasp it.
please at least attempt to.

i am sorry.

on our first date,
we planted a seed.
everytime we talked about how much i liked you,
i watered it.
everytime we talked about how much you liked me,
you gave it your sunshine.
you were always so happy--
you were glowing and gave light to anyone who needed it. i miss that.
everytime we were together we made sure that the soil was fresh enough.
it wasn't that often but it was still enough.
a few times i was at our plant and i guess you were too. i would start checking to make sure we, i mean the plant, were okay and you came over but really only to look.
by the end of it i was the only one that got my hands ***** and i was okay with that because i know we, i mean it, became a hassle.
you kept looking and looking. i didn't mind-- didn't think much of it really. but then one day my phone rang and i looked out my window and saw us, i mean the tree, i mean our tree, and i saw you there with an axe. i knew it couldn't be good. you chopped our relationship right off, i mean that plant. i tried running out and watering it with my tears but i think i just overwatered it. it didn't help there wasn't anymore happiness in our relationship, i mean sunshine for it.

sometimes i'll think about how we, i mean how it, used to grow so well. but it was our, i mean its, time to go… i guess.

now what used to be a beautiful relationship, i mean tree, is six feet under. and i'm really hoping to make a permanent visit soon.

i'm sorry.

i'm sorry that i had always been so hard to love. and i'm sorry for the both of us that you ever did. bc it breaks my ******* heart knowing that i can't be loved by you anymore.
it ******* ***** bc it was so obvious to me that your love is no longer to me.
once i laid my head onto my bed and my thoughts started collecting it was so easy to see that we weren't meant to be.
it has to be the worst feeling in the world knowing that i was wrong about us. about you.
your forever must be a lot shorter than mine bc we were just passing two months and now there's nothing.

and it really hurts to know that i'm the problem. i know you said i wasn't but you also said you lost your attraction of me. how am i supposed to live with myself. i wish i didn't have to. live with myself knowing that the man i love can't even see beauty in me. that's so sad. that breaks my heart. it makes me feel like nothing. i can't bare looking in my mirror bc i know what i'll see is something unloved. i only need to be loved by one person and even you can't do that anymore.

and i want no pity from you. i just want you to know that everytime someone calls me beautiful i won't be able to believe it bc i'll run your words through my head and be reminded of who i really am.

it's just hard.
hard to know that the best ******* thing that has happened to me is over.

i hope the next girl is pretty.

my pillow is drenched.
i could probably wring out a bucket full of tears.
i don't know where to put them because this is the most i've lost in a long time. probably since my last lifetime-- maybe even the one before that.

i know i shouldn't be crying because i know you aren't.
and that's hard.
it's hard because you're so emotional and sensitive-- in a good way,
and not a single tear is on your pillow tonight.
you haven't had to use a single tissue to try and be able to breathe through your nose again,,
let alone a whole box.

it will be hard to see you in the crowd,
knowing that there's so much behind us.
and i know you won't struggle with it at all,
because when our eyes meet you'll only turn your head because you can't deal with the horror of my face.
it's not at all hard for you though
because clearly you feel nothing.

that's the hardest part.
knowing that you fell so hard so quickly
and i guess it takes even less than that for you to get back up.

but i'm still lying on the floor
please don't mind my heavy breathing,,
just another anxiety attack.

it's really hard to stand up
when i'm feeling so weak.
even if i could i know one look at you and i'd fall just as hard as the last time.

i know you don't care anymore
because i know you are careful with your word choice
and those words that you chose hammered me down and i know i'm not capable of getting back up.
only the strength of your voice can take out the nails.
and i'm afraid we're long past you wanting to help me.
because if you did care at all,,
we wouldn't be here in the first place.

to anyone trying to help:
i am sorry for being so hard to lift up.