I wonder if you’d want to know
I named all of my demons after you and
they haunt me in my sleep

when I was 14 I fell asleep in April and dreamed of bones and
I’m not sure I’ve really ever woken up since

when I lost 5 pounds I never saw a difference

when I lost 10 my mother said I was looking good

when I lost 20 she told me to stop and handed me food
and I became anemic

when I lost 25 I stopped drinking anything because
I felt water had calories

when I lost 30 my mother held me on her lap
and held my bones together for me

when I lost 35 I started fainting every morning and
the doctors could no longer easily find my blood pressure

when I lost 40 people started to stare and food made me cry

when I lost 45 it hurt to walk and to lay down
it hurt to eat
it hurt to breathe and
I started throwing up my empty stomach

the mind plays tricks on those that decide
nourishment is not needed

Eat.

The thing wanted most,
Stands 20ft away in the middle of the frozen lake.
Yet I'll still run for it in hope the ice won't crack.
Am I inclined on this path?
The dime within the rugged exterior
Is too intriguing to resist.
The ice is thinning, every second is too late.
Unless I proceed slowly and stop at regular intervals.
It will stand stationary.

I can't think straight
my eyes are blurry and red
tears are rolling down my cheeks
I couldn't bear to wake you up
but I should've
my god, I really should have.
maybe I wouldn't be here
in this place right now
with wet bed sheets now
stained red with
tears of my
blood.

cutting doesn't release pain anymore,
it just lets me feel more.
how am I supposed to let go when
all I seem to do is let the feelings back in?
I can't take it anymore.
this constant pain.
I feel so whole,
yet so empty and I
just cant take it!

I know I am happy
yet I feel so down.
why is it that
every time i feel good
I somehow find a new
reason to get sad
again?