You gave up on our forty more glory years,
  agonized over the decision.
You sent us to separate beds in tears,
  sentenced me to poet prison
    (locked in a spiral cycle
       of pain and broken and fatal fetal and bleeding blue eyes stunned open in vicious surprise
           unable to close or escape into comatose)

My actions
  or actually inactions
may have murdered my Miracle
  made You listen to a false Oracle

**** unable to dim or die
  is You being the only ultimate “Why”
that I was created in the first place
  and put in the exact time & space
    to toss pebbles at Yur window
      that exploded into our nova glow

Even as we cried together
  months after died “together”
(You saying Yur not better without me
   yet can't won't be with me)
I swear on the soul that thinks it knows You
  (far more than the mere heart which beats because of You)
that I still feel You having feelings for me
  (oooohhhhh, You Noe You still want me)

Please let yourself see
  all the positives in me
don't ignore Yur desire
  don't lose it in disaster

we are US
  we are Love & Lust
and every like & lick in between
  (I know You Noe what I mean)

the aliens followed us
  cuz they felt our forever fever
their lights in our Arizona skies
  were listening to the bazillion butterflies
burning churning turning in my soul
  fluttering my libido

they knew what You do....
  that I can't play guitar
  **** I can be Yur star
they wanted to watch me & You
  strobe along to our music
  probe the strong of our magic
    read my SJH poems
    and count all our ****

**** they would never understand
  the simple thrill
  overwhelming joy for this boy
    of holding Shannon's hand :)

You may have been able to give up,
  somehow You had had enough,
**** I believe You didn't want to give up,
  and I should have proved my stuff!!

My Love for You like no other ever before,
  My amazement for You that couldn't be more.
The breathlessness bearing witness
  to the simplest silliest move You might make
The blue-eye-blue-eye-soul-gaze-bliss
  wanting to be waiting on when You wake

You do Noe that Everything You do
  biking hiking cooking thinking walking the insane work world
just excites inspires my soul to say WOOHOO
  and then Kahley & Z-O-E show me You as Mother unfurled
    & hurled into too much to be true

There is not a Disney potion
  which could move my emotions
more than the nervous excitement
  coursing full force thru Clint
when there's just a hint of Shannon!

Do You not Noe that even Yur mundane daily details are moments for which I counted the minutes until we could share?
How do you not Noe that even Yur boring is beyond Rare?

My want that is need
  is so hard for You
    that my heart **** as it bleeds

had every substance and experience
  but never any highs
    like Yur eyes
      or between Yur thighs

You may say only friends forever
  and only see me whenever or whatever
You may be able to forget that we are dismembered
  but for me the regret screams as it sobs as it's remembered

Yet hope shall never breathe its final sigh,
  does not Noe how to bid itself goodbye.
    (it wasn't token lust,
       it shouldn't be broken lost)

are You aware how full We were of Wonderful?
can his caress express what was our experience
  (over and over until forever becums forever)
do his words worship your existence
  (friend lover mother mentor sometimes trembling leaf who Loves me and looks at me into me    
      thanking me for holding her as she squeezes the breath into me)
does he slip serenely yet excitedly into sleep each night with Yur heartbeat echoing his own
  (seemingly the only bass beat his song has ever known)
does he dream of You each and every somewhen,
  wake up wishing he was already with You once again?
is Yur daughter his 2nd favorite person in the world
  (oh Z-O-E i'm soooo sorry you had to cry one single solitary tear from knowing me)

does his mind spend all day scribbling away on the insides of his eyelids everything he thinks about you...

and do You realize it isn't only when i'm awake...there isn't a moment in which my subconscious exists when it isn't walking old town San Diego with You or grinning as Yur fire-spinning or Breaking Bad as it basks in bend Yur **** over bike basket banter or holding Yur hand in an ancient cemetery with wine & cheese & grapes & Breakfast Club surreality or walking whispering a Halloween Haunted House with ridiculously brave Z-O-E

somehow for You it was dating
  just some seven month fling
for me it was the penultimate relationship
  the reason i'd learned this whole breathing feeling thing
and 175 days after You designated the dumpster for me
  it continues to transform me
    because of You i remake me

So, Hey, Hi, Here i am,
  Wanna hear who how i am?
Or do You wanna hear what i remember
  as i wonder what You remember?

How many of our memories mean as much to You as to me?? Hello Ladies on the bed together? or when i watched You shower? me not knowing the secrets to Yur frisbee throwing? our only time camping? creative counter cleaning? the every-single-time-spark of touching Yur skin? the way our ***  stroked squeezed rocked my **** and mind and soul and spirit and poet and left my lips on fire with spearmint-cool tingling? and did i mention being wet with electric sweat?

i seem to remember You saying i was **** (me?!?! - with or without a moustache) even as i was nervous & excited every time i realized You were looking my way, whether it was on a biplane or in a kayak beside an island or wishing i was saving You from a river monster or in a kayak beneath a full moon where You couldn't even notice that my pounding pulse was singing Yur name in a beautiful bass beat

i noe that You know Yur cool, **** i noe that You don't know HOW COOL...the coolest hot whose personality was music that instantly inserted itself into my internal playlist and cranked that ****** to a level that would deafen Spinal Tap!

do You know that You are style & passion
  and buffalo exchange fashion?
alien lights
  indian caves
    & ghost towns with donkeys?

You must realize somewhere deep inside on a primal level
  that once Yur eyes let me see inside You
i would need to be part of Yur life to be alive
  as US is the rainbow which gives color to each day's grey

even before kissing and everything on Our balcony
  in Our Sycamore Springs jacuzzi
You were the kiss I miss any split second my lips aren't melding melting into Yurs

You are dreams and fantasies and way too fantastic to be reality
You are The Happiness Joy that defines Happy for this poet boy

from the moment we met
  You are the 1st thing i think of when i awake
   the last thing in my mind as i slip into sleep
   the lead and supporting role in my subconscious when i'm unconscious
   and actually obviously the highlight to being alive each day

and it shall stay that way even from afar
  until just the other side of forever

there are as many Maybes
  as there are Somedays,
so as i strive not to mope
  (and just keep trying to be better)
i let thrive and nurture hope
  (and just keep trying to be better)

and preach to myself my mantra
and remind me of my motto
  don't give up
  don't ever give up

i do not write in pencil
  it's all written in real
no pattern, no stencil,
  hand drawn hard feel

inhale exhale
  whatever air is available
words need breaths to exist
  yet breathless i persist

never been in a band
  my words never heard
left to hold my own hand
  trying to unthink my words

no eraser available
(though noe is erased & dull)
so i babble feeble
  (though no words escape my skull)

eyes blink
  to rid themselves of the red
but don't disguise a think
  cuz the lids are hiding brain-dead

can you breathe underwater
  believing she's oxygen for you
can you breathe when you want her
  but she's allergic to you

soft socks should soothe a soul
  on a cold night in a Shannon cuddle
and be the only thing worn on the morning
  where we have each other waking for moaning

i thought She Loved me deeply
  NEEDED me
    (**** found there were cracks in our foundation)
i believed we were US forever
  walked the waking dream of our Love Affair
    (**** learned she could lose the fascination)

i was in LOVE
  She was dating
i found The One
  She was just dating

February 3rd came & went
  harbringer of the death of clint
March 8th was the final ****
   of the last of my living will

been in a haze of agony
  where my own jester hates me
i wake daily in a daze of disbelief
  to a nightmare real with no relief

my tears don't fall
  they flow
strong & steady
acidic yet empty
and their side-show-bob
  is the echo of my sobs

i keep writing poem after poem
  of pain
    PAIN

when the only poem i've ever wanted to write
  is the one She wants to re-read every night

heart broken into too many parts
  to collect them all
soul torn into too many holes
  to resurrect it at all

too many pieces of me dissolved in pain's poison
  to identify what remains as clinton
my blue eyes have the blues
  & they are blinded by the bruise
    (brought on by the brews)

at first the depression was only agony. shattered heart. shredded soul. broken being. murdered miracle. ruptured future. burning tears & knotted stomach & raking aching sobs. then my mind ceased being able to be a brain which thinks on any level even remotely resembling its prior ability (broken, synapses stutter). then i lost connection to physical coordination, no balance. no equilibrium. the shaking manic of a panic attack.

now it is an actual physical pain. random body stabs (images of laying on the slab). a  chest constantly pressed upon by an enormous weight as my heart pounds a deep thumping bass pulse in every vein and my misery brain whenever i think of Her, which is a million minutes a day.

i am not the Noe You knew
  not endearing
    not enduring

just a fake facsimile
  shallow shadow of me
unlit by Yur spark
  just a shadow in the dark
                 invisible me

we were hiking on the moon
  making Love among the stars
    in our own orbit of the sun
**** You stopped liking our tune
  un-Loved the US that was ours
    cared not that You are The One
      left me undone as no-one
         (not the Noe You knew)

You can't show & share Yur universe
  let You me my chorus & every verse
then dump me back into merely clinton
  and expect me to ever be Happy again

You can't lead me along the path i never even dreamed of
  and leave me lost in my mind without Yur Love
yet expect me to want to walk barren places
  or ever find any peace for my broken pieces

the butterflies will never die
  (or become bitterflies)
**** She no longer cares
  that they flutter
so now they also cry

i hate every day
  they're all horrible
each moment
  just more torment
it will always be this way
  & never is a long forever

however many years pass
  past the end of US
since Shannon broke clinton
  there was no more noe forevermore

even if the agony
  recedes minimally
there will be no noe tomorrow
  where there's no noe sorrow

the wounds wound farther & further down into the ragged jagged screaming screeching hole (heart + soul = hole) they found fully formed early February of Fourteen. my only craving is Her, but they keep carving deeper, widening the devastation which bleeds depression, wondering how long until the withdrawal into fetal becomes fatal

Happy is merely a memory
  i try to replay every day.
what if the farther from it i get,
  what if i forget?

what if the only hope you have is hope
  and you're believing in it with your entire being
**** you can't lift the loss's weight
  so you can't breathe while you wait

regardless of all this
we can *** home to US
all it takes is You wanting to

and i'll always be here
  hoping & hurting
    wishing & wanting & waiting

something left to lose?
  only the loss of Shannon....
all else has been given to the blues
  since the loss of Shannon....
(i could give up this forever festering bruise
    left on my heart's soul since losing Shannon)

am i supposed to somehow be able
  to claim i'm capable to enable
any ability to continue to carry on
as someone remotely resembling clinton

cuz i can't

broken is actually an entity
  which becomes who you be
when forever with her is priceless
  but forever without her is eternity

that star we gazed upon
  as it shone on our moon,
i thanked its kiss upon our lips
  until the land mine of its eclipse

no way to know that nova
  of Shannon kissin me into awesome
would one day be the anti-nova
  of clinton being the ultimate anti-awesome

how did the fire expire and You moved me from Love to like to kinda like to lose my number you loser ex-lover
there was a flower that had been waiting to blossom for forty-four ******* looooooonnnggg years of barren & burned or ignored & spurned and then it finally showed me all of its beauty, blossomed fuller & fabulouser, then built the bliss unbelievably day after day after day after even every moment and then when i thought we were going to commit to another entire level my rose turned up her nose, my tulip left me looking at her two lips (perfect lips), my finally requited Love looked at my soul, gazed upon my soul, linked US heart to heart, body to body, soul to soul, judged my being, and returned me to un-requited, threw me to the inside of suicide where the wolves are waiting, oh, the wolves are wanting, and i'm not strong enough to survive the destruction of me, and i can't outrun the wolves, and what does it mean when your eyes bleed, and when broken is actual physical is the heart supposed to hurt & pound in pain every morning in mourning for itself and cry to see the butterfly die in an inferno which begins with its wings infected inflicted with a deadly spark which seems to be beauty but is eventual evil and burns it into broken....

universe, please, please, help me, heal me (in Shannon), or just ******* **** me, please....

i am unable
  to understand the fable
why the shakespeare tragedy
  why the unspeakable agony

i failed
  i ****** up
and i'll never forgive me

but i was hyper-excited
  to fix the issues together
    to have US be ignited even further

how could You not believe
how could You make me leave
how could You look me in our eyes
  where blue kisses blue
    in a sweet soul stare
      and we end up nowhere

i thought i saw immortality
  as the US holding Z-O-E
but i was ****** into mortality
  when She killed US and then me

She executed the execution so nicely
  and supposedly still loves me
but She got over me almost instantly
  loving some man from before me
while i die even harder every ******* day
  please oblivion take me today

where is the cemetery
  where she buried Love
where is the grave
  where rot her feelings for me

how am i not still part of Her heart
  why do i rot in this soul hole of nothing
how could She take the hurt of tearing US apart
  was it just me who thought We were everything

how can You be The One
  and i'm no-one

i wake every ******* apocalypse morning
  and can't face continuing the mourning
i can't believe Her Love could leave
it is surreal
  & evil

She rescued me from a life
  which was never quite right
and showed me sweet
  rhymes with complete,
gave Her blue to my eyes,
  let me Love the future as forever,
then decided not to believe,
  decided to leave,
placed the dead in my eyes,
  faced me towards starless skies.

(hold me again
  hold me now
    take me to the somewhen
      when we are US somehow)

nothing i've ever said
  has ever mattered.
if it had i wouldn't be dead,
  i would not be gasping with a heart shattered,
    unable to breathe thru the soul shred

with Her
  HER
i never faked
i never lied
i never even would have tried.
She let me love being me
  and i could never be
    anything other than true
      to the TRUE of YOU

She was the mirror on me,
  She showed me the beauty of me,
and i believed what i'd never known before,
  that i could not just swim skim
    but dive deep along the miracle shore

but i missed the cracks,
  ignored the lacks
of two issues i actually knew
  which were the die to our do

my ******* fault we went faulty,
  i didn't **** the wolves at the door
    and ensure our fairy tale forevermore

(take me again
  take me once more
    into every part of You
Yur eyes
Yur heart
Yur thighs
Yur hurt
Yur sighs
Yur spirit
Yur why's
      Yur Forever)

She broke me
  and i know why
She destroyed me
  and i understand why
just not how She could do it
  not how She could **** US
not how She could say **** it
  not how She could give up on US

but i will never wonder why i Love Her
  will never blame Her
    for this forever hurt
for the forever linger
  of my dead heart

(lead me to Yur heart once more
  this time Please Forever
  leave me to horror nevermore
    just hold me Please Forever)

oh Shannon
  not left behind
Please Shannon
  not left behind
remember all You said
  don't leave me for dead
how *** You said i was awesome
  if i was really just no-one
limp **** drunk
  is my legacy
    once Shannon left me

once upon whenever
  i believed we were forever
but She thought different
  & threw away clint

i want to live forever
  if it's with Her
but if alone i'm begging You
  make Yur **** shot quick & true

i will Love forever
  but as US is now never
i can't continue
i CANNOT ******* CONTINUE
PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN
  is all of me which remains

i am not the noe You knew
  so make Yur **** shot quick & true

help....
    please

i was with the one today
  and i had to hear her say
    I love You
      to a man who wasn't me,
        who gets to be
          the only ever being i've ever wanted to be,
            will ever want to be

my heart ceased to be,
  my hurt increased with each un-beat
PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN
the light dead within my eyes,
  why won't this body just ******* die
PAAAAAAAIIIIIIINNNNNNN
broken never runs out of bleeding,
it's agonized creams never receding.
sometimes HAPPY turns into torture...

but so much was wonderful,
  i heard her voice say other things,
i felt the touch of her beautiful
  in how she does everything,
i watched her move
i saw her blue eyes be blue
i got to see her haircut in person
i got to be invited to lunch
i got to watch some World Cup
  and chat like two great friends
which we always wer  even when we were lovers

there was a huge hug,
  at least to me,
and then a quick kiss
  (on the lips, oh god, those lips, they are the rainbow gentle warm rainstorm which can suddenly press    
      into my soul with the urgency and primal energy of the tsunami tide flinging me unharmed miles
         inland onto paradise island which i dream of every time i'm asleep or awake),
and then a comfortable smiling pleasant farewell
  which let me remember happiness tell its tale.

and i got to remember
  every moment with her
grocery shopping
(ecstatic with joy)
floor mopping
  (giddy boy with xmas toy)
walking around the lake
  with all the babble you could take
talking in the jacuzzi
  as we laughed with Z-O-E
hiking biking camping bi-plane flying
  smiling inside with heart soul flying

i got to remember
  passion
  moans
  squeezes
  I Love You's
  I Need You's

and even though awake
  i dreamt of how i dream
    of our blue eyes being bluer
      because of each other

then
  i get to return to my broken,
    beg the universe for another chance for US
  and count the seconds
    until our next meeting as friends

all i'll ever want
  is to be what She wants
to be the everything She needs
to be what beats Her heart
  as it flutters it as well
to be the amazing feeding Her soul
  to be The One making Her whole

and if She would say okay
  to make Love with Her everyday
kiss squeeze
  lick rub stroke
**** Her as hard as I can
  (except for when she wants some gentle
whenever she wants to ***

and did i mention
  the blue eyes of Shannon
which i need to stare into
until mine become as blue....