In another universe we would have been soul mates, and in another we would have been best friends. Now we are neither. Just fading memories and that's okay. But sometimes I need you not to love or make love to but simply to talk to. You knew me more than anyone else. Even on the days you didn't quite love me. Maybe you could tell me what my heart wanted right now because my love life feels like a disaster. It's painful and exciting all at once and for all the wrong reasons. And I wish you were sitting next to me telling me exactly what I want. So I could disagree only to discover you were always right. That's how we worked. Or maybe that's how we fell apart. All I know now is that I don't love you anymore and that's the most liberating feeling I have ever truly known. I was trapped in this vortex of you. The one where I was determined to have you. And the problem is, the man who pulled me out of the vortex is no longer the same man making me happy. He's no longer the one making my heart twinge the way it use to for you all those years ago. But I'm wearing a ring I made engraved with forever. I'm trying to fall in love again. Because I loved him so much I swear. And I wonder if this is how you felt when we ended. When I would come over and crawl into your bed. I wonder if you tried to fall in love with me again the way I hope I fall in love with him again. And I want it known I do love him but I want to be in love. He makes me smile. But sometimes he makes me cry. Sometimes he makes me really hate myself. And I know I can be a sensitive person but I don't think he quite sees how his words break me sometimes. I want to choose him. I do. I want to say that one day too; I do. But here I am with this twinge in my heart that I'm trying to bury or force away. I tried that with you. I did. But I still ended up loving you nine long years. Tell me first love of mine. How do I say goodbye before I've said hello? How can I choose him? Because the love in his eyes remind me so much of the love I had in mine for you once upon a time.

To all the girls and women who have been brave enough to face their trauma and come forward and report

I admire you so much
You are SO strong

All four times it's happened to me

I laid there like a deer in the headlights

Like a possum playing dead

Waiting for it to end
So I could walk away in tears

And hopefully never see them again

To bury my trauma so deep no one can ever find it

And there you are in court

Locking them up and throwing away the key

I wish I did that

I'm so sorry I didn't

I'm always afraid that I'll run into them

Afraid they did it again

Afraid of remembering

But every time I cry it seeps out

Because no matter how hard I try to bury it

It's a part of me

A part of the story line that cannot be erased

I just need to keep reading and hope the ending it happier.

And it stings

It stings from head to toe

The words you say

They hurt

They hurt each and every ounce of me

And you'll never understand that

When one mean thing

Sends me into depression.

Someone says your name
And I cringe

Like poison dripping from my ears and piercing my chest

The memories I've tried to bury deep within myself

So deep they almost touch all the trauma I've blocked out

I passively say
I hate that name

And resume my task

But for a few moments
I have to fight off the flashbacks

The replay of every moment I spent loving you

I fight back my feelings of angst knowing the man I sleep with now

Just doesn't give my heart quite the same ping you did

But I find solace in the saying that every love is different and I hold onto that when I crawl home to him and I'm greeted with an embrace.