You can take your approval
And shove it where the sun don't shine
Weary of running on your hamster wheel of validation waiting to be fed tiny morsels of **** all at irregular intervals, when you see fit
No more waiting anxiously for the faint green light
Or the half arsed thumps up
Before proceeding with any course of action
Who the hell do you think you are?

Please get off your highly horse or I swear I'll shove you off it myself

Treading on egg shells around you everyday  for 8030 days
Today I choose to stomp on them
Repeatedly
Go ahead and blow your lid off
Master of savage rows
See if I care

Remember how 3 years ago you uttered your vile sentiments
What was is it again?
I would never excel in my studies
Those words reverberated in my head in each and every examination I wrote
In my rage and pursuit to prove you wrong
I prevailed

Thank you for lacking belief in me and the negativity I guess
Narcissist assoholic.

Submerged
Under the deluge
Of your revulsion
Bloodletting tyrant
With cataclysmic desires
The monomanical devotion
To your insatiable thirst
For malevolence
Has betrayed us all.

I am sorry,
I could not catch
your breath before
your soul departed
from your body
Had I succeeded in doing so
These burning hauntings
Would not be embedded
In my fragile pyche
Perhaps your ascent
Would have been
More ethereal
Less troubled
Peaceful
I am sorry
I couldn't do that one thing
for you.

This land I have been in,
I ache for it
My heart has never ached for something like this.. that terrifies me
Being there will be some of confirmation that I have made it
Maybe just maybe I could be a human there
Affected by nothing and everything all at the same time
That in-between state always eludes me

I am back
Once more into the cage
Everything is the same as it was when I left
My old tracksuit on my bed, the shiny porcelain tiles, white curtains, polka dot duvet
Something about this familiarity is overwhelming
I clean up the mess I made before I left... try to convince myself that it isn't so bad all the while crossing my fingers tightly for that trap door to appear from nowhere

I felt like I was somebody when I was there
I felt significant
I was somebody else, someone I should be
I was a person among people
I belonged

Now I feel completely depleted, even more so than before.

I want to descend
from the razors edges
To stray from these borders
Darkened by virulent desires
My bones crackle
Blood runs cold
Devoid of reason but not choice
The familiar bother
I want to love
The will to be is
But my hair smells of madness
And running and running.

Staggered gait
As though feet
Are dragging boulders
My sorrow

Permanent abode
In the depths
Transient thrills
Balanced
On razors edge
My sorrow

Days dictated by yearning
To saturate the dreary
With design
My reason.

Certain aspects of my life have remained constant
While I have been increasing my efforts so I can accomplish my objectives farther

The results I am achieving are not in proportion to my efforts
The more effort I put in
The more the fruits of my labor diminish
Negative returns from relentless pursuits
Perhaps there is such a thing called trying too hard
I am failing to move farther up the curve of productivity
Life has become a slippery *****
Where the more I try, the only direction I head is down

I am craving a violent re-invention
I have not reached my full potential
And yet I seem to be stifled.

Aimless wander
In the unfathomed depths
I drove into the walls of truth
And
Disentangled my mind
From the imprudent rationalisation
Of the subjective.

I expose what I chose to perpetuate
Violently spill the contents in my head all over the hallway
Hang myself in front of you
        .....vulnerable
Tears fall on my cheeks
I stand there weak, powerless...frozen
You are full of ire
Never have I ever seen you in such a state
I don't understand, I can't understand.. You say I'm to blame? I cannot control this and I can't stop I'm conflicted, disordered...

It's not in my hands it hangs above me like a dark cloud of the blackest womb
It's bigger than me, bigger than all of us
It's embedded in my psyche... It is in a way part of my identity
It's claws are dug into my skin and all the way into my bones
It moves in my veins
And it's feeding on me

It's a desire for control that strips me of all control
It's not my doing
This was never about food
It was about controlling that part of my life, I could control
It was about filling the void
It was about...
becoming who I wanted to be

It went dark
Without warning
I blurred at the edges
From violet to blue to indigo
And black
It settled in modicum of
Sanity
And in it's place
There it was
Settling in my bone
This emergency
This terror
I descended along with it
Feel it now I said, be done with it
And be free
Grief flying away from your
Body
I am almost free, I think
Until the cold grip of a nightmare
Takes hold
Then there's blood everywhere
And this hint of madness
Lulling me into senselessness
I blur at the edges
From violet to indigo to black
These revolving doors of remembrance
Entraps
Somethings can never be escaped.

Cold dead hands
Floundering in attempts
At cultivating hope  
The pursuit of reason
A mere tyrannical
Decoy to abysmal burden
Metaphors run from the mouth
Fragmentary girl
Strung of delusions.

I woke up this morning with an appetite for self-destruction
Yesterday's consumption of ******* piling on today's woes
Making me ill

There is a hollow in the pit of my stomach
Something is brewing in my heart of hearts
Come dusk it will overflow

The fear is settling in my blood
Running through my veins
My alkaline blood turning acidic

If anyone needs me I will be in the doldrums.

I haven't really laughed since 2009
He said,
He then divulged his struggles
As I did mine
We spoke of the mutual regret about not keeping in touch
But with conflicting schedules, relocations and studies
It is comprehensible we veered in opposite directions and lost contact

My estranged bestfriend

We reminiscenced about the time when we were school kids
In stiff shirts, massive floppy hats
And giant blazers we practically drowned in
How eager we were to go home
When the siren went off at 3:05pm
The shanenigans at the pavilion
In sixth form
When we were the lords of the academy

A strong grip on my giant mug as if it were the holy grail
Stirring my something that ends with cinno
Huddled in the corner of a cozy eatery

In his company once again
it felt as though I had arrived home where fire burns incessantly in the fire place
On a winter's night
With a soft blanket over my shoulders

We laughed about my truancy
And how he got kicked out of the ruby team on account of his rather lanky physique
He imitated our biology teacher and tears flowed down my cheeks
That kind of laughter
You feel in your core
And your whole body shakes

So captivated by the various discussions
We both forgot to sip on our steaming beverages

He narrated a few short stories about the events
that have taken place since we last conversed
I in turn narrated mine or lack thereof
He emphatically tilted his head to the side
God, I had missed those gestures of his
It all came flooding back
His mannerisms
The way he moves his hands when he speaks  as if he is trying to literally hold the conversation

For what seemed like a lifetime Before saying goodbye
Dead-eyed
We stared into each other's eyes
Almost as if to telepathically say
Do you remember the time
When we were so alive.

Day and night's
Fleeting Collision
Above
the field of dreams
Prairie grass swaying
To the sound of the wind's
Gentle aria
Caressing skin
The sweet scent of the evergreen
Carried in the breeze
Hauntingly
Lingered like a shadow
Stilling
The hue of dusk
Saffron's fade
Igniting bones
Spirit's reprieve
At the edge of August

Many moons have passed
Since your hands
Were last entwined
In the spaces between mine
The ebb and flow of life continues
I still choke
On grains of dust
That wildly rose
From your callous departure
Images of your fading tail lights
Haunt my dreams without hue
I can still hear your echo
Footprints on cement
I burn in my rue.

Something in the wood took you
I try to find pieces
Of your very being
Tucked beneath some moss rock
Or underground
In burrows of the thick and tangled undergrowth

Amidst a stillness
Tainted by an eerie drone
Suffusing the atmosphere
Traversing a terrain
Devoid of landmarks
I follow faint footprints
A sullen scent
I can hardly recall
A dulled voice
Sifting through the pine  
You are not there
All that remains of you is
An echo of an echo (of an echo).

Gone, for now
But I can hear the echoes of your hateful never-ending vociferation in the hallway, And in my head
Swirling over and over again and again
You're everywhere

I burn in my rage
Your actions are right in what mind?!
    Tired
I can't fight you anymore
Go ahead and scream until your veins collapse into dust
It will fall on deaf ears

What's the matter?
Feel bad?
We're in the aftermath
It's too late in the day to try and make amends

If I were to follow my feet
They would lead me to your door
Awash in your everfecence, still
The author of all that has come
To define my path

I emerged from the depths
Of my own volition
Melted into you
Offering my devoted bones respite


You linger at the doorway, still
Slithering into the perforated
Surface of my fragile core
Ever so often
Everything I am is still held by your gaze
Every breath laced with thoughts of you
My sweet

The colour of pearl
Is how I think of you
It will never pass my lips
You are forever.

Like a designer drug
An electronic message from you
Via a cellular phone
comprising of dull text
With no promise of a lengthy dialogue
And a somewhat dismissive connotation
Leaves me strung-out

And like my tipple
Gin and peach juice
Leaves me blisteringly intoxicated and crazed

In sheer shock
I then detonate
Like those chemical experiments done by the scientists in the laboratories of research

I am in the city you hated
In the guts of the very land
which made you tremble
I am in the center of the bruise,
still
Embroiled
by and by
It is bursting, heavy
My eyes are falling.

Your face is the moon
Guiding
These feet
That always tread
Towards the uncharted
In search of home
Distant places
Euphoria
It gathers
Washes up at my feet
Takes root to eager bones

You encircle

My spirit drifts towards these things
Your face is the moon
Gleaming with zeal
The asylum of your arms
Mending the snare
Spliced by old knives
Long forgotten
At the bend of nevermore


You encircle my yearning

The asylum of madness
In the center of winter
Some kind of palpable presence
Forevermore drips down your chin
I am a ship passing in the night.

I am trapped in the shackle of your thoughts
I reign terror over your mind, saturate it with the sound of my whiney  voice
On the faces of strangers in the streets you cast your glare
It is my face you see

Every breath you take triggers thoughts of me
Even the sight of shadows have me consuming your entire being
My laughter echoes ceaselessly in the halls of your tiny abode

Visions of me in a pale pink robe appear in your bedroom
Pulsating is your heart at the sight of the vibrant luminosity I exude
As we dance to the music in our hearts
With the moonlight cheering us on
We will reminiscence and ache and ache and ache
Nostalgia will overpower us as it always does

When the hour arrives
I will fade into the light of dawn
And you my darling will be left embracing nothingness.

Just because I have air in my lungs does not mean I am alive
Mere existence, nothing more
My eyes reflect what's underneath, I am dead
No amount of fire could make this heart of mine come alive
My head aches
My hopes... Old
Dreams... Frail
And yet I still hold on

Shedding parts of myself in the hope of being someone other than who I am..what I am... If I am someone or something at all

The hand that I have been dealt is the toughest of them all
Some breeze through life
I don't...
Did I have a choice?
Predisposed to be disordered
I didn't have a choice

My head is infested with relentless demons I did not create
They are running the show
They keep multiplying
I can't do this anymore
I have tipped over the edge
I am falling down into nothing

The sun rises too soon
Morning comes like an accusation
The dawn melodies of the birds once were of a creativity
Now all they sing are emphatic repertoires of dirges, that tremble my very bone

The stillness in the air is doused in old hopes and frail dreams..
And lingering disappointment
The air is too thick...
It's asphyxiating  

Walking the halls of monotony
Forced enthusiasm is now for real

Much like a leech the mid-afternoon sun ***** the life out of your soul
So you cross your fingers and hope that existence will not make a loser of your soul
That would be the greatest tragedy

When the night comes
The leaves start falling
Happiness was never in season anyway.

You stand haloed in visibility zero
Injecting atmosphere
Into the grey
Your smile reeling me in
Like elastic
Unbridled fervour invading
Shattering convictions
This hazardous state
Of wanting you
Akin to an ****** haze
In the heart of winter
Wilting in the air of mystique
The consequence
Of what you do to me.

She failed to hang onto that tiny remnant of herself

She hung on by her finger nails but it was all in vain

Her soul was never vibrant but it was still alive… only just

Now it’s shrivel and cold

Her ambitions faded in all their glory

The more she held on to them … the more they slipped farther away from her

She got weary of waking up every morning to see nothing had changed

She crossed her fingers for luck… she crossed them tight

She was falling behind

It hurt for her to breathe… the air was too thick

She was suffocating

She wanted more… she wanted everything… she wanted it all

She was fading into nothing

She never realised that she was not fading not even slightly

It was the light than shone upon her

That gigantic spark of hope and possibility

Fading mirage
Like the sun dying
Down over the highway
You took your light
And infused it whole into another

I buried you
Among the ruins
Of discarded daydreams
The ghost
Of what you made me feel
Hovers

Tapering on this broken
lifeline
The tiny speck of blue
Blooms into a field of sorrow

Fading mirage
Like the sun dying
Down over the highway
You took your light
And left a hand print
On my door.

Father, remember the drives
Me on the passenger seat of your UNO
The old cassette

You were always this strong person
My giant
My one and only father
I have been frozen since your reluctant departure
Ricocheting between numbness and screaming despair
not far enough on either trenches
For fear it will all collapse

I imagine you here, still
You took the sound with you
All's left but sound and warmth
Burying my head in my hands
in shame, is all I can do

Father, remember the warm December nights
Our lungs filled with music
before yours filled with water
father, you may rest now
You said you still have a dream
I will fulfil your dream
As a shrine to your lungs
That must now sing forever
In the garden of good-byes.

The fatal revolting emotion called feelings
That insert and lodge themselves into your unsuspecting heart  
Which if left to fester will turn acidic and devour you from the inside out
Bury thoughts of an unreciprocated or lost love lest they bury you.

Hey staan stil vir een sekonde. Mamma kyk na my wonde
Dis nie wonde nie my kind
Jy mag dalk net so **** maar
Baie meer het al baie meer verloor
As ek haar meer kon mis.
Het ek gedisintegreer.

Hey, stand still for a second
Mom looks at my wounds
It's doesn't hurt my child
You may just think so
Many more have lost much more
If I could miss her more

Did I disintegrate.

The peculiar
Transient  state of feeling
Visits at night
Under darkened skies
Tucked in the Velveret air’s
Warm embrace
Only then do I have
The audacity
To wrench away
All of my inhibitions

The dreaded daylight comes
Ever so swiftly
In it’s presence
I still choke
On the almost
Cowering in limbo
Waiting for salvation
Have mercy on me,
Give me the night.

It sat in the viscera that winter
It all did
The unfed energy of madness
The unbridled
Recklessness
Foaming at the mouth
Virulent
Bordered and contained
The ****** footprints
Of choice
Deranged rationalisations
Virulent
Bordered, not contained
Seeping through the fissures of sanity
Tipping at the very edge of reason
Where once blousy hydrangea bloomed
Cradling the night
The gothic hands of time
Stood frozen.