It's hard to be a coward and suicidal,
Afraid of pain and overly-sensitive to guilt simultaneously.
Never wanted to jump from a building,
Because regretting your decision halfway down must be a nightmare.
Must only take a few seconds.
Must feel like longer than you've ever lived.
Didn't want to jump in front of a bus,
Because that seems wildly ineffective.
Didn't want to lie on train tracks;
I know those videos of dismembered people end up
On the darkest places of the Internet,
And I'm nothing if I'm not embarrassed by attention.
Didn't want to hang myself, had enough hospital trips
From asthma attacks rendering me breathless to want to relive it.
Tried to hang myself.
Wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be.
Didn't want to overdose on pills
Because I have an aversion to swallowing them.
Realised the only reason you aren't supposed to chew them
Is so you don't overdose.
Tried to overdose.
Woke up confused and frightened with an apparently not-killer headache.
But that was back then, and this is now.
I don't look at things and see invitations of death anymore.
There's no temptation to analyse them
And see if they're up for the job.
I'm less on the aggressive side of the spectrum,
Swaying, instead, a lot more to being passive.
I don't want to dive in front of traffic,
But I don't always look before I cross the road either.
And I could still end up in the same coffin as if I'd jumped,
But for me, there's a lifetime of difference.

She doesn't have to be your mother
For you to not call her a ***** for not doing what you want.
She doesn't have to be your sister
For you to not call her a ***** for having *** even once.
She doesn't have to be your daughter
For you to expect boys to respect her as a person.
"What if she was your mother/daughter/sister?"
Shouldn't be a valid question.
It shouldn't be a question that makes you stop and think,
"That's true, I need to treat women like I'd treat my female family members."
As though it's given you the epiphany
That even women you don't know are entitled to decency.
And if that question is what made you change your ways,
Get rid of the notion that women can only be treated to
The same amount of basic respect as men
If you can imagine your mother's/sister's/daughter's face staring back.

oh, believe me, i want friends.
i want love.
i want to live, but there's something inside me.
there's something in there.
it ruins all hopes,
               of me letting them in.
of course i love certain people: i love my brothers, my mother, my father.
i'd go to the ends of the earth for them,
take a bullet,
take a smack to the face.
it is others i cannot get close to.
i cannot bring my walls down.
i cannot let them be my friend for:
my mind senses all flaws,
my eyes observe the little things,
and my chest feels tighter,
i need to
             run,
                         run,
                                      away.
so i am sorry if i do this to you.
i am sorry if one day i am nice and happy and your friend,
but the next i am distant and cold.

i do not mean to.
i cannot help it.
i am trying, but it is hard.

i want you to get close,
and i wish i could let you.

i just cannot.

i love him, i love him not.
i want him, but how much?
i find someone i adore.
i manage to make them believe i am attached,
                                    and then i                      

                                                                            let     go.

i become distant; *detached.

maybe i don't know you at all, but ****. every part of me wants to. i want to know all the itty bits of you, the things that piece you together. i want to know your favourite colour, your worst nightmares, your wildest dreams. i want to know what keeps you up at night, what song you'll leap for at the sight of a karaoke machine, and about the time you broke your arm at just thirteen. i want to know you on your good days, your bad days, and everything in between. and i know it can be hard, i know it's hard to trust people, but i am willing to wait. i'm willing to wait for you to let me in, because you, my darling, are worth it. you're worth the heartache, and the times i have to push back when you try to distance yourself from me, and you're worth the nights you call me and wake me up because you need someone to just ramble to. your worth is undeniably large, and that says a lot, because i wouldn't do this for simply anyone. you're special. in my mind, you are. you're an extraordinary human being full of talent and wonder and yes, flaws, but you are perfect in my vision, you; you're you. and that is everything to me.