this empty hole can burn
down so deep,
being rejected and left for
the crows to eat.
Let not my bitter pain
consume your memory,
or better yet.
Let the dusk take anger to sleep
and forgive as you seek
the deck of
beat
        beat
beats
as the grave saves and you
are at the end
of your mind.

I'm so tired
Of crying myself to sleep
The pain of those awful memories
Sometimes It's like no one knows me
I am so broken
No one understands
I was crushed and defeated by those hands
And now I sit wasting away
Hiding beneath covers to scarred to face the day
I can feel it like a thousand daggers
Beating into my flesh
But I can't cry
And I can't feel
I'm starting to doubt if this is real
Maybe I should run
No I'm so done
I might as well say goodbye ...

Whenever I come across a
Brother
With gleaming green eyes
The color of nature
I typically lose my breath
And all speech associated.
This type of behavior is not atypical from me.
Said the
Sister
With eyes the color of the forest
The color of enchantment
The color of her skin.
Brown
Like the color of the eyes of the tourist
Expeditioning
His journey within.

She models
With nothing but her earrings on.
Gold tendrils
Dancing across her shoulders
Lost in a sea of black curls.
Her beauty
Is that of an angel.
A halo
Of sheer radiance
Glistening around her wings.
Her body
Is that of a woman.
Lost
In unmarked territory along open winding passageways that
God
Didn't even create a roadmap for.
She can fly,
He said.
The only eyes to witness were her's and God's
And the eyes gazing back at her through the mirror
Watching her model
With nothing but her earrings on.
Gold tendrils
Dancing across her shoulders
Lost in a sea of black curls.

It was in the park.
When I saw the scarf whirling in the wind,
The elegance in its movement was inspiring,
When the sun hit the cloth,
It twinkled under it's rays.
I continued my stroll in the brisk winter air,
Wondering about the poor soul with no scarf to keep warm.
It was then - when that thought crossed my mind - I saw a pair of mittens sitting on a bench.
Unlike the scarf, the mittens were rooted to the bench on which they lay.
A light coat of ice encased the mittens,
When the sun hit just right,
It twinkled under it's rays.
I continued my stroll in the brisk winter air,
Wondering about the poor soul with no mittens to keep warm.
It was then - when that thought crossed my mind - I saw a jacket hanging in a tree.
It looked as if a body still haunted it, because it waved furiously at me,
Probably hoping I could help it down.
The jacket gave up waving to me when it realized there was no way I was going to be its savior, but
When the sun hit the jacket,
It twinkled under it's rays.
I continued my stroll in the brisk winter air,
Wondering about the poor soul with no jacket to keep warm.
It was then - when that thought crossed my mind - I saw a blanket, with a man and women upon it.
And when the sun hit the eyes of the man,
They twinkled under it's rays.
And I realized, there was no poor soul without material to keep him warm,
There was a lucky soul, with a human being to keep him warm.

I gave my heart away when I was 15.
Innocent and naïve, I gave it away
Not even realizing until now.
Not to 1, but 2 boys.
Brothers, not in blood, but in friendship.
I fell in what can be called love with both.
One, a musician, the notes flowing as amazing as the way he saw the world.
The way I saw him.
The other, a dancer, spinning hypnotically, that it left you up and down at the same time.
Just like my mind.
Both beautiful, strong, incredible and soon enough we were all best friends.
Sharing happy memories all together
But individual secrets among one another.
One, playing me sweet love songs, feeling special, I played my own versions back.
The other, seducing me with twirling and fluidity, an affection I had never experienced, lust filled I followed in his footsteps.
One sweet.
One bitter.
A mix of ultimate perfection.
The best of both worlds.
My little game.
Spending the night on the phone singing John Mayer's "Your Body is a Wonderland" away, promises of forever, with one.
And texting ***** dancing moves to the other at the same time.
I was pulling off what I thought was the greatest scheme of all.
But eventually,
Ice and fire collide.
And everything falls apart.
The musician found a girl who would actually commit to matching his rhythm instead of dealing with an occasional drummer.
The dancer found someone who wouldn't step on his toes and hold him back.
Caring wasn't enough anymore and resentment filled it's place.
The pieces fell apart around me.
Not even able to listen to a song
Or
Dance around my room in my underwear
Both my nice and naughty sides were given away.
I lost my way.
With no part of myself left how am I supposed to find a middle ground?
Between wanting
Romance
Or
Passion?
Attempting to let another man into my life, only to not be able to love him
Attempting to let another man into my bed, only to not be able to create a spark.
Hopeless.
Empty.
Alone.
That's what I am.
When you give something away, you should expect not to get it back.
That much is obvious.
But being too young
Being too stupid
To selfish
To happy
To ******* trusting
And to willing to give myself for both,
I have nothing left.
And when you have nothing left
And when you go from having everything to nothing...
You don't just bounce right back up.
I haven't been up since I was 15.
I haven't felt complete
Full
Perfect.
Since I was 15.
But everyone changes, and my 18 year old broken heart knows that now.
We all lose our ways.
We all want someone to play along with
We all want someone to dance with
And we all want what we can't have.
But I don't believe I'll be alone like this forever.
That would be irrational.
But for now it's my life.
The 2 pieces of my original heart are history now.
Tucked away in an old guitar case, and choreography.
Waiting to be re-discovered.
An old muse lost and hopefully to be found.
Because that's what I am.
Notes on an old scale to faded to read
And
An out dated dance number.
But I guess that's what I get for giving away everything I had so soon.
I gave my heart away when I was 15.
I still haven't got it back.

There is classical music shaking dust from the ceiling tiles above
my bed warmed like a waffle iron, sheets lay in a disarray of the Rocky mountains
each crevice as hot as the bottom of my feet while standing on the sand of a beach
small summer shells tucked away in the top of my bikini
and you left to wait at your keyboard. Leave my head please.
I tried so desperately to write a poem without you hiding in each letter,
every word telling those hurting who hurt me before that it will get better.
I'm not lying to them, although I'd say it if I were. The music above me still plays
making colors swirl and bump together, standing side by side with my mother.
She called the other day, although I think I called her. Said thank you for
birthing me and raising me and feeding me and giving me a place to sleep
all in three words I haven't said before. Not in years.
I think I meant it. I wish I were sure.

I am you.
I am your shadow.
You are mine.
A stone unearthed in this frozen ground
Covered in snow.
Gazing at the flower growing up, surrounded
By life
And sunlight abundantly.
The stone whimpers in the cold.
Dancing figures in the twilight of mere existence.
Twirling in a haze of endless color and ceaseless charisma.
Stillness in the night.
The biting flogging of time and circumstance
Detached
From all inside and without.
Being comatose inside a tomb made of ice and desire.
Waiting,
Watching,
Weeping.
The rock, he twitches in the uncomfortable onslaught.
The flower loses a petal. In the fullness of life
She
Lowers her head in
Invisible agony. Torn by the choices
Made without reason.
Loneliness.
Time stands still.
The eyes of many are unaccustomed
To
The eyes of the few and the broken.
The grins of the ignorant shine like
Stars.
Glistening in the proverbial
Conundrum.
The rock and the flower split open
After, eternity follows.
The figures, mere candlelight,
Embrace and kiss.
Together.
Forever.
Nevermore hesitant to the desires which
Overwhelm and
Breathe purpose.
Two flames become one.
Meaning uncovered.
Intertwined lovers.
Breathing in shudders.
Blind to all others.
I am you.