Im going way up, success higher than you'll ever be, tryna **** the pain, but babe, you're your biggest enemy. I tried to help you through it, tried to be your biggest fan, tried to hear the music, but the **** just wasn't there.

See, I couldn't get anywhere with your weight on top  -wait you were always on the bottom -oops, I forgot, we're talking about your pride and your selfish ways -I was a ******* angel living in your hellish daze.

Don't get me wrong, I loved you from the very start, but the best thing you've ever done for me was "break" this heart. You shot me where it hurts, left me bleeding out, and now you 'bout to feel that kickback while I resurrect.

Stronger than ever, broken but rising like the sun, everything I'm doing is leading me to number 1. I thought you was protecting me, but you were holding me back. I could've loved you for ever, thanks for saving me from that.

I want to thank you for all that you've done to me cause now I know what I need. I know what I need. I love who you used to be, and now you're no good to me. so, i'm gone.

NJ2016

Are you the one he calls in the middle of the night
while he’s walking under streetlights,
being guided by the moonlight

Does he tell you that you’re the only thing on his mind,
that he wants to hold you tight
and he can’t sleep if you’re not beside

it’s 4 in the morning
and he’s standing outside your door
says, get your *** out of bed
and come sleep in his arms.


That was me, once upon a time,
he stumbled up to my door
screaming ‘i’ll always love you more’

although it didn’t seem
like a horse-carriage ride
eating pancakes in slippers
with my drunken mister

was the greatest time of my life
i wish i’d known it then,
but fairytales end.

NJ2016

I know this may be too soon, but I want to get it off my chest. I know that I just got out of a relationship, and I have no intentions of jumping into another one, but I like you; at least what I have seen of you so far, and if you’d let me, I’d like to get to know you some more.

And I say that in the most innocent way. I want to hear more of the way you think, and see things some more from your perspective. I like being in your company; you bring me back to reality, but a bearable reality. I like the way that you don’t expect much from me and know that I make mistakes, yet still believe in me. The way you talk motivates me and I want to learn more; about what you know, the experiences that shaped you, who you are, what you like, not because I have anything to gain, but because I sincerely have an interest in knowing.

I don’t want to jump into a relationship, at least not now. I need to learn how to be comfortable with myself again and erase all the bits of me that I exhausted or changed in an effort to make someone like me. I don’t want to lose myself in that way again, and I want to be sure that all I do is because it’s me, and not simply to impress. Because who I was before was amazing, and I know that beneath all the scars and stitches, that person I was exists and is even stronger. I don’t want to be in a relationship until I know that I’ve made it back to who I am, and that I’m able to let that person have the best of me.

I know what I want now. I want a partner, and I say that because that’s exactly what I want. Not just a ‘relationship.’ I want someone who will grow and experience with me, someone who will adventure, someone who will confide in me just as much as I them, someone who I have just as much things in common with them as I don’t -the perfect balance of bonding over our similarities, and learning and experiencing based on our differences. My next relationship will be nothing short of experiencing the highs and lows with my best friend.

And I feel it in you. I’ve always had your shoulder to rest my head on when it got hard -even after all the mistakes and unintentional ways I’ve hurt you. I learn different theories and philosophies and ways of looking at life from you. Whether it’s skating in the rain, getting lost in a country club, watching a movie, playing instruments, or simply getting coffee; each experience has burned a permanent image in my mind. And I wish to never lose your presence in my life because you bring out the best of me, which is a lot to say considering we are nearly strangers.

I don’t want to jump into a relationship, I value you. I don’t want to pick a flower that is blooming so beautifully, I don’t want to have anything wilt in my hands. But I want to catch the petals, and I want to experience the seasons with you. And if by chance, after we grow, you wish to settle in this flower *** with me -I’ll welcome you with open arms.

NJ2016

i spent three years with a boy who claimed to love me, but tried changing me every chance he got.

he let it be known that his type were blondes, and foolishly enough I bleached my hair and broke my own heart trying to be his barbie doll. when I dyed my hair brown, he said it was pretty but you'd be prettier with black hair. I could have been the rainbow, and he'd say that the world is simply black and white.

I was an object to him, my virginity a flower he plucked knowing **** well that I would wilt the minute I was in his hands.

He forced me to watch him play video games on a daily -I wish I had realized that he always had the gun in his hand in these games; soon enough he would **** me.

-will be continued / my heart hurts too much to continue right now-

How do you explain that your bones are the coal used as breeding ground for a fire? How do you explain that there's a fire raging inside of you, setting every inch of your body and thoughts ablaze? Like a wildfire destroys the forest, this pain is knocking me down and smoldering me.
But how can you say you're in ashes when your body is unbruised?

No collapsed limbs, no heaving lungs, no unconscious mind -only puffy eyes and a tired tongue?

How do you explain that the tightness one gets in their throat upon hearing unexpectedly terrible news is a common feeling of yours - a side effect of the blood that runs through all of your veins? That even though you know you can do something, the words 'you physically cannot' are flooding your brain like a drug and poisoning every choice you try to make?

How do you explain that every move you make feels like walking on a tightrope that seems to never end. How each step sends a shiver down your spine; trying not to fall, trying to finish the task, trying to stop the anxiety -but you can never reach the end because your destination keeps switching from left to right despite the progress you've made.

How do you explain that you're dying when everyone see's you as perfectly alive?

NJ2016

Sorting through the negatives can get tiresome.
one after another after another after another,
but one day you'll come across a frame unlike the rest
and that photograph, that scenery, that image
makes it worth the while.

NJ (All Rights Reserved)

"Black, two sugars in his coffee
remember that the next time we see each-other."
We never saw each-other again.

"You have sparkling eyes,
you give me butterflies," another said,
and I left.

I don't know how to love.

"I love you so much,
why can't you open up," he said.
Now I'm hurting his head.

'Cause I don't know how to love without ******* up.
Friends and lovers alike,
I don't know what they'd like from me,
I don't know what to do, I feel like a fool,
I just keep breaking their hearts, and I don't know how to stop.

I don't know how to love.

NR2016