is it my fault
that my body and soul dont fit?
dysfunctional
two hands that dont grip
holding onto each other for dear life

dont look at me
i cant handle the thoughts that pierce through your eyes
youll never tell me
but they stick to my back like a sign that screams for people to
laugh

laugh at me
i can hear all of it
even if your mouth never uttered a sound

let me curl up
let me try for once
the only way i know how
to be small
to be me
because i am small

how much more must i scream just so i can be invisible

find me.
when i cant find myself

Isnt it a little funny
that we love each other in equal measure
but you couldnt be ****** to tell me when it mattered.
Isnt it funny
how you were cold and cool while i was running in circles
desperately searching for your heart full of love
ready to embrace
but never did.

Isnt it funny how now i am someone else's.

Isnt it so funny
how you waltz in and out of my life as you please
******* with my emotions and whispering sweet nothings that are
MY EVERYTHING
What i live for
I love for you and you alone and now i cant ******* admit it to the world
So i stare at a screen and talk to it like my only confidante because YOU
you ******* missed your chance and now
i am forced
to give you another one

cause i ******* love you and cant let you go

The morning dew that clings
to the skin
so soft was your touch
that it burned me in the morning light

Sin dripping from the tongue
but so sweet on the lips

Pull me in
explore
gently
sending shooting stars through my veins as i breathe your name
it sinks into your skin

sink into mine

I have fallen deeply
madly
for you

But im not ready to be in love with you

Ive suffered
sleepless nights
guilt
scratching at the doors of my being
begging to be let in
then eating me from inside out chewing away at my flesh and leaving me
dry

for you.

Ive had the conversations to be had
laughed way too many times
watched our lives blow away with the cigarette smoke of our youth
watched you sleep in my arms
lay down in sin
beside you
i believe what you say because i hang on to the sound
the sound of our beings and our lives
colliding sending aches piercing clean through my heart  
what am i left with

what the **** am i doing.

Im in love with you,
but i never should have fallen.

I am the biggest sinner
In loving
i became the biggest sinner.

I know all the reasons
I know all the versus
So the voices in my head need to shut up because in being a sinner i am lost

The gospel text
come find me and tell me what the hell im supposed to do
Not now, not today
I know
Help me trust
that someday he will come for me and everything will be right
and everyone will sing because he is the only thing that's right
so maybe its okay that i am so wrong
so wretched

If it is his will
it will be
and he will heal all that i have so carelessly broken