i bet even after all this time
that if my chest were to
ache with emptiness enough
like it used to i could go to your house
and find the outline of our bodies
on your dark blue bed sheets
i have spent the last year
both trying to run from you
and find you at the same time
but i left everything i knew
about falling in love
on that mattress and
it's still settling there
like dust and
all i can do is write about you
until it comes back to me,
or by some kind of miracle,
you decide to.

i've found myself awake to see the sun rise for 3 days in a row.
i want to believe it’s allowed me to remember there is still
pureness around me but it only exhausts me.
purity is something i never fall asleep alongside.
i keep eating strawberries before 7AM.
there is an empty carton of eggs on the counter
that i didn’t cook for myself.
someone told me i look very beautiful when i wake up
but i think that depends on the amount of heavy dreaming i fell into.
when the sun rises tomorrow morning and i catch it, as i most likely will,
i have a message for it. i want to tell the sunrise that first impressions are everything.
if it mattered in the first moment, it matters now.
my sheets are twisted in the way you could never mess them up.
you can tell me the same thing over and over but it’ll still sound new.
everything still tastes like you. you are still the pretty boy.
you are still the sunset i nap right through every evening.

time flows like an uninterrupted stream
building steam and crescendoing into
a raging river

instead of flowing against it, I try to be
like a leaf flowing with it instead of
fighting the current

sometimes I am caught in an eddy and
time stands still as I wind in circles
until I'm off again

I can't always see the larger picture,
but when I am centered in a loving Divine Presence
then I remember I am flowing to the Great Ocean

Each hour is precious and a chance to open up,
so I may move closer to the greater whole
a destination I can't even imagine

i cannot remember how many pills i took that night
or how many minutes it took for the ambulance to arrive
no, i cannot remember the details
most of it was a blur
rushing faces, bright lights, loud noises


but i remember your voice
and i remember it was the first time you told me you loved me
do you remember i tried to say it back?
or do you remember the details
did you memorize the seconds i was dead for?
or how long it took to bring me back?
darling, there used to be no difference between your fist and your face
but that night, i couldn't tell your tears from your mouth

Maybe we can kiss the sky
until the sun sets and fall
like ashes into the ocean
from burning up in the
sunburst colored atmosphere.

and as steady as
   the sky
        the stars,
             the sun and
                     the moon.
I swear my heart will beat for you.

They say that poems
are made to touch
the places your
hands can't reach
and well i guess that
makes your smile a
poem