I stood between my father's fist
and my brother
dared to say the words
hit me instead
you know it's what you want
bulging red eyes
and a thousand-mile stare
17
and bravely standing up
to my lifelong bully
and at that moment
I reclaimed my value
he knew I was no longer scared

when I'm walking through molasses
hands tied in sailors knots
mind a scratched record spinning
hair a disheveled mess
filing bankruptcy on self-love

I pivot

strip myself bare
pirouette in the sun
crinkle my toes in the sand
breathe in the color orange
let baths of freezing waves
wash my heaviness away

sun peeks through satin angles
neon flickers
desert mountains rise

thick smoke in a hot room
scratch the craving
breakfast cigarette

my white t-shirt sticks with sleep sweat
slow as molasses
this benzo induced fog

pillowcase mirrored with last nights face
deep breaths
under still tightly black lace strapped breast

heels strewed on the bedroom floor
delicate wine glass
magenta stained sideboard

ears temporarily buzzing deaf
body aches of death
pictures loop an infinite movie reel

I smile with a Cheshire grin
and fall content into your chest

you sear me
a match burning slowly down to its tip
hands like thundershock on bare skin
caressing progressing movements
near grey eyes
goosebumps
shivering
slivering
sliding
grab me by my white cotton shirt
fistfuls of unspeakable passion
I fall deeply
serenity found
on your concrete chest

I have so many secrets
secrets I have been keeping for so long
I am keeping them from myself

I love your freshly shaven face
with pale eyes like a storm
soft and new
sprinkled with dewy youthful radiance

having two versions of you

sandpaper and rough-skinned
salt and pepper beard
explaining life's experience in various grey hues
fingers follow deep lined wrinkles
the path to your lips