I cooked breakfast
for an empty chair and I

I am an irrational fear
I bear claw at your beehive of a brain
I’m ice crystallizing on the window of your mind
I’ll insta-freeze your thoughts
No amount of heat will get you going again

Fight or flight
But I make you always choose the latter
I’m the elephant in the room
hanging from above your head by
Thimble thread

I’m a taxi service
Driving you up the wall
Zig-zagging up the walls tearing you to and fro
Never giving you respite from the whirl of anxiety until
Crashing you straight into the ground

A professional packager is part of what I am
I’ll pack you so tight into the box
There’s no air to fit in any crevice
The trick is it’s a mime-made box of
Your creation

I’m the black sun to your planet
Everything you do revolves around me
I don’t get off light but **** all of yours away
A tick on the underside of your spirit
Leeching away your life till all that’s left
are your broken bones

I am the ghost in the mirror
I am the shade in your stride
I’m the monster under your bed
And you cannot hide
From me

I am strong, I am fierce
I am relentless, I am calamity
I am the rock tied to your leg
Pulling you under

I am You.

I battle depression like the sun disappears every evening
I'm no different from the norm
I hang with friends, cut time with homework
Sleep, eat, and act normally enough for none to question
Except inside where the sun won't shine

Depression tangles with me in spurts and spouts
Some days it's like a murky mouse in my brain
scratching silently for a way out
like ticking of a clock, barely heard at all

Other days I'm an unsuspecting deer
munching contently on today's grass
stalked by a tiger shaded in charcoal, fangs ready
to pounce and sink his teeth into my life

Sometimes depression is Goliath
And I'm David with a wet noodle
Yet the will to win lackluster
His punches drive my breath away like steam leaving a train

Look in the mirror and repeat
Depression won't win
Depression won't.... win
Depression... won't... win...

but sometimes I just want to
go with the flow
open up the floodgates within my soul
let it sweep me up in the river to somewhere better

where I don't have to worry about my social standing
where a D on a test won't make me question if I am worth it
where I can live without fear of strange doctors and pills
where being me is good enough

And I'm no theater actor asking for the spotlight
depression takes that away
because how can you know sunshine
when all it does is rain?

tropical breeze waves washed upon a
soothsayer sand beach whispering love poems between each sigh

seagull clouds baying from above
lustrous sunshine massaging with temperate beams

beneath the waves, turtles twist in tubular turnabouts
bright coral and jaded fish teem in the reef

shimmering sunshine shining through waves
casting shadows and light amongst an oceanic spectrum

we flit through the ocean as foreigners and locals
tiny air bubbles pressing from our lips

unlike the denizens filtering through the reef
we press up to the surface and break through for breath

exiting the ocean of life, we wash upon the shore
driftboards sewn together in matrimony

our clam shelled hands interwoven in the fabric of our souls
sand pressed between to make a glistening pearl

i sit up while you lay down on our thin towels
falling asleep with an upward curve on your lips

i trace my finger down your back like pencil to paper
drawing each crevice, perfection, and blemish

on the landscape of your body

a faint breeze ghosts through the swaying palm trees
dolphins nonchalantly diving through the air and ocean

***** scuttling along the precipice of the sea and sand
waves washing the crooked edges of stones

amongst this equilibrium we are infinite
soaking up this portrait life like a sea sponge

in these moments we are infinite
moments we imagined we had

She
took my hand
delicate as mist

began tracing her tender finger
down
the tapestry of interwoven veins

dancing along
as if each step was her
stage

stopping
every now and then
for blissful warmth and rest

she stood at my nerves
my arms tingling as she gathered electrons like
fireflies.

i
wanted her to take herself completely in
lady luck or cupid smiling down as she did.

heart
beats rapidly as she approaches
the walls

I understand, she whispers delicately
Touch
walls crashing down like crumpling paper

she laid on a crimson cloud buried amongst dusty shards
she starts to clean and sweep away broken
fragments.

satisfied
she asked if it would be okay
if she stayed awhile

wholeheatedly I said
yes
her new morning smile never wavering

years began passing like a dream wanting to be kept in a snow globe
though she lacked the strength to
stay

She made me whole
again
and I wish I could do the
same

yes

She knelt, whispering to the stone, on her father's plot.

spirit, smoldering fire
body, unbound waves
liquefying touch
dulcifying lips

she made me fall
in love
in only ten words

I was fine I really was
I looked in the
Mirror
I was breathing, My eyes
Reflected back
I.was.there.
Then I saw the ghost in the
Mirror
Time stood still
And I stood still
Then my fist shattered the glass
Then I fell
And the darkness embraced me like an old
Friend

And the ghost took me to my back
12 year old me standing before the shower
And he saw
Me
But he didn't believe in a future
Consuming the hate spewed at him from the darkness
In his tormentor’s words
And I saw
Him
And I saw the ribs etched on his skin
The skin filling the Grand Valley
There’s nothing grinding that
I saw the blank look in his eyes
As he grabbed the
Razor
And he prepared but saw me
Hoping he
Had a chance


And the ghost took me back again
And 14 year old me ran around the track
And he was happy
Yet when he left
I saw that same blank look
I saw the kids avoid him like a rabid dog
I heard
Whispers
"He's ******* weird"
But he heard just as
I

And I returned to my sixteen year old self
And the shoes hung on the wall in their shoelace noose
Disused he lacked interest
His love was stolen
They said he wouldn't fit in no matter how fast he
Was

And the ghost from the mirror took my hand
And I stood over my 18 year old self
Gazing at him passed out on the floor
Pills spilled over in turmoil
Foam spilling from like bubbles from an overflowed bath

And now I'm 20
And I'm driven by the shade I was
hating the future
hating the past
hating the present
I liked being told the world was fair
I hate discovering it is anything but

tears watering grass, clouds darken sky, she sputtered softly, goodbye.

I tread across the volcano, letting your words melt me.

I'm terrified
of what's inside me
more than real
monsters

11 o'clock on a Friday evening
I walked through closed doors
Into the rustic old bar
I sat in the faded bar stool that creaked like the floorboards
on the stained seat cushion molded to fit my *** like a glove
From the regular nights

The bartender walked by twitching his mustache, cleaning an old mug
I slapped my hand on the tarnished bar
He nodded, filling a patchwork glass with the same old beer
That swished frothily in my mouth with the taste
Of old gym socks and dog ****

I stared into the mirror reflection  before me
Examining people while sipping my taint of a beer
The waitress reciting play lines devotedly between  orders
Still trying to get into her new life on Broadway
Stuffing tips in her mismanaged pockets
that wanted a college degree, but chose fancy clothes

A lawyer and a teacher in the corner of the room
No one likes drinking alone  
Sitting in a battered, splattered seat booth
Lamenting about their dreaded work
Wishing in their heart of hearts
That the paths they had chosen at 19 were switched
One found he loved kids and one loved the justice system
If only it were simple to swap uniforms and degrees

Two destitute prostitutes lingering, smoking wispy cigs outside
Waiting for work
One wanted to be a dentist
Till the ****** that protected her dreams broke
And she lost her baby regardless
And the other wanted to be a politician
Until her dreams were beaten down by
A man, a level below Neanderthal, who viewed her body
As a conversation where his fists do the talking

The bartender stalled at the TV between drinks
Observing the young sports analyst on the TV
In a crisp, tailored suit with slick black hair
Nostalgically imagining himself talking emphatically about his passion
Mouthing the comments of what the analyst should've been saying
But he served drinks filled with faded dreams

And I turned and saw myself in the glossy mirror
Holding the poor excuse for a drink to my lips
And I saw the people around me like spirits in my eyes
I worked 9-5 in an office that’s as fun as feet being nailed to the ground
The only thing I changed in my routine whether I did my
Laundry on a Friday or Saturday
And I twitched my hand to ask for a different drink
But I kept it down and sipped on my beer

The cold nipped my nose like a puppy
Wind chapped my lips like each gust contained razor blades
My eyes cried tears
Solidifying into frozen spears
My hands rubbing in prayer
For spring

The fragrance of fresh flowers wafting in my nose
Honey suckle and fresh air entering between my lips
My eyes cried tears
Being cold no longer my fears
Yet I wanted more, I wanted my skin to pulsate with the sun
Of summer

The sunburn turning me into Rudolph
Parched, insatiable lips
My eyes tried tears
Evaporated by heat,  it sears
This hot needs to stop before I drop, I need the shade
Of autumn

A crimson leaf caressing my nose
Cider residue on my lips
Eyes cried tears
The leaves a whirl of life, changing, winter nears
But I want scarves, cocoa, nights by the fire, Christmas, the snow
Of winter

Looking for new to be different
Seasons bringing new emotions, new thoughts
But old actions remain the same
Wanting new but reverting to old
Seasons to be the same

Golden locket grasped above, the red pouring from his chest.

her eyes awakened, revealing a veridian dawn I awoke for.

Cotton Ball Clouds
Coursing through the sky like fish in a stream
Springtime fields of poppy
swaying to the earth's omnipresent music

Dad and daughter laughing and playing
he lifts her up so she can fly
as they enjoy their picnic of fun

Brothers flying flags of azure and gold
passing old stories and a glinting flask
teasing and reminiscing

the grizzled fisherman wading in the river
rubbing his lucky blue hat
thoughts of cooking fish with his wife on his mind

lovers embraced in a circlet of poppy
eyes closed imagining, planning out the
future with a house, a baby

MIGs tear across the sky
decimating the clouds
erupting the land below in fire

Soldiers stomping on poppies
Bullets screaming
From the mouths of their trigger happy fingers

Poppy petals pooling in blood
The dad clutching the still hand of his little girl

Knives rising and falling, cutting up lives
The cut free kites flying towards the heavens

Blood is thicker than water
As it flows with a bobbing blue hat

Fists locked in combat
like the frayed ends of the clasped lover's hands

A mother making dinner for her
Husband and daughter to come cheerfully home to
Click

A mother and father kitting and reading the newspaper
waiting for their boys to barge through the front doors
Click

A recently widowed wife watching the news
realizing her husband was fishing in the area of the battle
Click

A love never fulfilled
destroyed by the fires of war
Click

I no longer want
to be in a world that chooses war over love
Click