I no longer see this world
In black or white
Even though I'm color blind
It's pixelated
My graphics card is going out
I don't want to see it
This battery bar
Depleted with every wire cut
My point of view
Is from a hole I dig
Deeper down
Seeing where it'll go
Opinions unpopular
Conversations hindered
By one word or two
Found so blasphemously offensive
Does any of it matter
Do any of us matter
Scattering around as atoms collide
We aren't the foundation
To the secrets of youth
We're only obstacles
In each other's way
Collateral damage
When cross hairs pull triggers
Our game of chess
Consist of more kings then pawns
Each only moving once
In only one direction
Unsure if either way
Won't be checkmate
My point of view
Solely that of uncertainty
Watching scenery as it's painted
With the tainted virtues
Of our benevolent race

I love you
Yet I hate it
The butterflies when you smile
In my direction
The sensation of puking
When it's meant for someone else
I'm in love with a friend
Yet I want to **** it so badly
If this heart skips one more time
I'll use tannerite to replace it
You looked away when I needed you
Solid as roman architecture
I stood, for you to lean upon
Embraced you as tears fell
Faster than your heart
As he pushed you away
We've had our ups and downs
Ignoring each other
Hoping for feelings to decay
Yours I believe rotted
While mine refuse to die
Still you turn to me
For I'm always there
Waiting for you to slip
Only to cushion the fall
I love how I hate my mind
As it wanders back to you
And every smile I despise
When your name touches my lips
I hate how I love you
I love how I hate my feelings
One has to go
Before my mind I force to blow
It's killing me
Knowing right now
You neither need me or want me
Probably because I'll only cloud
An already foggy mind
I've confessed so many ways
None you'll hear about
You don't know how deep this goes
This cellar of emotional bottles
With and entire wall
Dedicated to how much I hate
Absolutely loving you
For everything you are and could be
I saw potential an us
Now I only see me
Looking through icy windows
Frostbite nipping
As the warmth of your heart
Will never be mine to enjoy
I hate that I've accepted this
I love how you don't know
So I'll fill another bottle
While emptying a real one
Swap pain for drunkenness
Disperse the feelings I have
Leaving only cobwebs and bottles
To age and be forgotten
Till another poor soul
Tries to enter my cellar soul

Dead in this existence
Growing more futile
With every punch I throw
Why the sad faces
Why the tears
You didn't notice me before
Overlooked so easily
Slowly killing myself
Burying my pain at the hearth
Short comings I'll have no one to blame
But my own selflessness
Me
Why do I do it to myself
Fall in love with women
I know will never love me
The way I want to love them
Why do I give the world
So many opportunities to **** me
I'm a product of misfortune
Designated punching bag
To the world around me
Object of self torture
I endure with a smile
But despise behind closed doors
It's inhuman to have this many
Self destructive tendencies
From love to loyalty
From kindness to caring
I want to be over it
See ******* more
Look you in the face and watch you hurt
Instead of me
I've already accepted
I'll be alone for the remainder of my time
So when I ask why me
Know it's not a question
But a statement as the reason
Why I do the things that I do need

Call it rambling
Emotional poker chips
I'm tired of gambling
My heart's turning dark
Ace of spades
Feels like I can't do it
Yearning for it
Scared of it
What would happen
How would it play out
Who would miss me first
The most
Who'd ask who I was
As they drop me in the hole
How many tears would fill
Eyes I've dried so many times
How many wouldn't shed one
Is this the defeat before the surrender
Will I go out like a viking
Longboat and fire sails
Perhaps a slave
Tossed into concrete
Making city walls stronger
How would it look
How many noted do I leave behind
Who'd read them anyway
I'm tired of it all
Someone's gotta know
I'm dying inside
And nothings saving me
Thoughts getting louder
Body's itching
Minds racing
It's dysfunction all around
Maybe I need sleep
See if that helps
Any longer I can't promise anything

I'd like to wake up
Without dread in my mentality
No worries as the hours tick by
Will today be for the diary
Or skipped pages
Lost into memory
Filed deep behind vault doors
Just once would be nice
A decent vehicle
I don't have to kick
In the tail pipe just to start
A bed my own
Fool I became
Auctioning it off for heartache
Just once would be nice
To not feel like I was dropped
Nine too many times as an infant
Replacing blondes with handicap stickers
As I keep trying to be an epic human
Maybe a match and kerosene
Scrub brush and bleach
I can start all over
On a cleaner slate
Just once is all I'm asking
One opportunity to just say *******
To everyone I don't know
Stop trying to be a friend to a stranger
When strangers keep daggers
Strapped to every ankle
Waiting for your back to turn
Just once
Please God one time
I'll do it right
I'll erase past mistakes
And finally enjoy happiness my way

Make your own he said
In then out
Good to bad
Bad to good
When does it balance out
Attempt after attempt
Wishful thinking
Optimism stretched
How do you make luck
What's the recipe
The secret ingredient I'm missing
I've ran through my seasons
Written down each amount
Tried again using more and less
I'm no 5star Michelin chef
Only a home cook
Aspiring to create a dish
My family and me can enjoy
For the remainder of our days
Passing on the recipe I've acquired
Is it wrong it's not my life
I don't want to change anymore
I don't wish for anything else
Only the life I dream
For the ones who helped me
Get this far in my life
Even when they don't know
The wars I've fought alone
I'm simply a general
Wishing to feed his army
So they can become another's sword
When the firing squad receives me
Luck they say
Four leaf clovers
Mythical pots of gold
Awaiting at rainbows end
Riddles to be solved to obtain it all
So riddle me this
Where does luck come from
When luck is only a perception

Doesn't creep through blinds
Watch me from afar
Tail me with headlights in my rearview
It's in the back of my mind
Under my feet
When either the sun and moon
Decide to shine on me
My Stalker watches through eyeball lenses
Play by play
First person reality
Telling me to do it
Reaches for the knife
When the lights go out
Long after the sandman visits
*** drugs cigarettes coffee alcohol
I can't shut him out
Or lock him away
There is no prison
To where I can incarcerate him
I'll never be safe
And that's fine by me
Death finally has her sights on me
I'm ready to go home
Back to the hour glass
Lost in the sands of time

It's become a tradition
Good days bad days
Good weather bad weather
No matter the season
A few cups of coffee later
My focus has returned
Cigarette will follow
A short walk in the cold
You on my mind
A life I'll never have
Her my future
No one seems to be apart of
I'm truly alone
Even though I hate it
I've grown accustomed to it
I know I'll have these small cups
As a constant reminder
It's the small things in life
I either enjoy now
Or envy later on

"All that we are arises with our thoughts"

Pondering on this
Over and over I read it
I feel a connection
Yet dumbfounded I remain
Why does this grasp me
So diligently in my head
The constant thoughts
Worthless
Pathetic
Waste
Hopeless
Reckless
Crazy
Angry
D­epressed
List growing with every
Once over I do
Of this tiny piece of paper
Sick
Drunk
Loving
Images of my face in the mirror
I look away in disgust
Is this who I've become
Was this where I saw myself as a child
When teachers asked where I saw myself
Is this what they wanted to avoid me
From ever becoming
Did they at some point
Walk this very path of self doubt
Did I not heed their warnings
Is this my destiny
Reading a fortune cookie scripture
Confirming the thoughts in my head
Have I gone to far into my depression
To believe it to be true
Scared
Weak
Insignificant
Better off dead
Father
How did this happen to me
What pushed me to this point
Did I fail myself trying to succeed
In an area of expertise
I was never qualified to be involved in
I tested waters of love
Found quick sand on the shores surrounding
Up to my throat grasping
For the remaining a breaths
I'll have in my life
What am I really chasing
If happiness can't be found
Let alone obtained
I'm tired of these back and forth
Chess games I play with my sanity
Slipping even further past no return
I'm struggling to see
Where my life could be
What it should be
When all I see is
Who I am now
Feeble
Stressed
Anxious
Alone
I can't make it through my life
With only one aspect to it
That I cling to for dear life
My daughter
How can I be anything she's proud of
When I'm a failure
Succeeding only in that
Given opportunities I'm blind to
I'm sick of this heart
Too big for my chest
I want to lay it to rest
I'm tired of this mind
Too dysfunctional to organize
My potential I want to realize
I can't do it alone
But hallways don't echo silence
Ears fall deaf to mute tongues
Touch doesn't reach to numb hands
Lost
"All that we are arises with our thoughts"
And with that I know
I'll never amount to anything
Past where I am now
No matter how hard I strive
What I do
Where I go
Or whom I'm with
I am exactly who I think I am
For I'm the only one that knows
The treachery of my thoughts

One turns into three
They add up
Stockpiling corpses of cardboard boxes
Butts in ashtrays still smoldering
Ash fills my lungs
As I chase nerve endings
Why won't they stop vibrating
Straight lines turned to circles
I'm going crazy
Staring at blank paper
I want to fill with my emotions
Cigarettes draining my pocket
Faster than my hands can my heart
Encased in this tomb of black
Lungs suffocating in soot
Convincing my liver it should rot
Easily married the fire and alcohol
Tag team duo
Hell bent on decaying me inside out
So what if my insides die
I'll finally be whole
Deceased inside and out
Face removed of emotion
Heart filled to the brim
One more cigarette and I'll finish this out
Disgusting in all its essence
I just need the fix
To ease my racing nerves
Before anxiety causes metal to twist
High speed chase
Nicotine or anxiety
Which will **** me first