I have my answer
The ghost town inbox
The deserted road to my ear
But in light of my selfishness
I don't blame you
I didn't want to lose you
Yet it seems to be a trend
That has to come to a close
I've loved you for so long
I was willing to become playdough
Molding into a shape suitable
For your pleasure and not mine
Only the satisfaction
Of knowing I was in your grasp
Was truly enough for me
You made your point
It really wouldn't work between us
I didn't want to let go
And that seems to be another issue
I've failed to realize in myself
My mind's a constant theatre
Getting lost in the scenes
Plays of fiction
So realistic I fooled myself
Into hoping for anything
Chasing down a rabbit hole
With illusions of light
At every bend
Even when I was the sculptor
To these caverns of myth
So I assume
This silence you hold
Is the decision you've made
I've lost you so many times before
It hasn't gotten any easier
So I'll commit to it
The slowest form of suicide
And live loving for the last time

****
It
****
Happens

It's the motto I live by
Knowing I'll never be or do
Anything good enough
To the standards of others
But if I'm content
**** don't matter to me
That's all the justification
You'll get from me

Single
Engaged
Married
Separated
Divorced
**** it all
Done it lived it
I'm married to myself
Four walls and a roof
Steady job steadier pay
A beautiful little girl
I really don't need much else
Sure the comfort of her body
Late in the hours of dusk
Would make me smile more
But what's one less smile
When the pits of hell
Are preheating to roast my soul
**** a relationship status
I want happiness before I die
God knows I won't get it
Devil laughs at me for chasing
I'd rather chase my own tail
Then fight a losing war
Where even if I happen to win
I'll die unsatisfied
Knowing I sacrificed the parts of me
I loved the most
Because I'll never be good enough
The way I am now

United we stand
Divided we fall
Yet around every corner
Someone holds your hand
On the first few blocks
Then throws you to the wolves
On the last two
Expecting your ideals
To measure up
To the person who it will matter to
When you're after your dream
Why is it relevant anymore
This political game of chess
We play with lives and the future
It's only human to step
On your **** once in a while
And trip over your *****
But I don't need your criticism
Or enlighten expectations
Demanding me to be better
Then the next person
We're all chasing different dreams
Fighting for a world
We all see differently
With overlapping points
That seem to disagree with another's
I've never seen a perfect person
Glorious in presence, mind, and soul
I've seen only failures
That aim to be better then before
Or giving up because that's all they know
Don't force your ideals
We all have the same goal
Survive and make life easier
For the seeds we plant
To help the planet flourish

I wish I could go back in time
Tell you all the things I learned
At the time I wrote this
Remember that poem you wrote me
When we were just a young dumb
Teenage kid trying to figure life out
That never changed unfortunately
Just got older
Even more responsibilities
Remember how badly you wanted a family
All to yourself
Do all the things your mom and dad
Didn't do with you
Relive some of those memories
The pleasant ones you did have
You had the opportunity
But you chased that dream
With the wrong girl
The only victory reward you got
Was that beautiful little girl
We named before we even had her
The compliments of how beautiful
Her smile and energy is
Really baffles me
I know she didn't get it from her mom
Even though me and you tried
We still can't measure up
To how awesome she is
I wanted to thank you
That younger version of myself
For not taking your life
Even though it was a constant option
We fought nearly everyday
And now to the older version of me
I hope when you read this
If ever you get the opportunity
I'm sorry
For being so reckless
With the life younger me
Fought to save
7 car wrecks
Broken bones and titanium rods
A house you rent
With your closest friend
We might not have had anything then
But slowly we've moved up
I won't stop living
Even though the option is there
I still fight it from time to time
Just like being able to see
That precious little smile
Calling for her daddy
I can't promise you tomorrow
All I can do
Is hope by the time you read this
We've gotten more of what we wanted
What we really needed
And I know the me now
Doesn't want love
Yet I hope it found you
Pulling you further away
From the abyss
We found ourselves in today
That tattoo on your right hand
A tribute to younger us
A reminder for older us
We're just one memory away
From never existing
And hey Rob
Quick little side note
Even as much as I hate us
I still love us
For the friends we made along the way
Tell them a younger version of you
Said hello and thanks for sticking around
Through all the crazy dumb ****
We seem to have gotten away with

I've wished upon you countless times
Knowing my wish
May never reach your light
Perhaps you've been burned out
Granting too many other wishes
Selfish in their desires
But I pray for your well being
Knowing before your obituary is published
You'll have watched me live and die
More times than you'll have been wished upon

I feel the early signs of death
The coldness in my limbs
The stillness of my blood
As my heart gives up
The pain falling numb
Darkness engulfing me
As deaths luxurious cloak
Cascades my soul
The easement of my worries
As no light received me
Knowing I did all that I could
To keep my head above the undertow
This time I won't fight the current
Let high tide take me
Far out to this oceanic depression
Let the world consume me
And so it begins
My descent into nothing
I fought for too long

Hey, I know it's been a long time
But have you ever wondered
Where we could have been
If the things we've done never happened
If the path that drove us apart
Never opened up
Would there have been an us
How would that have looked
Where would we grow
Because I know every home
Needs a garden to grow in
Would everything I ever wanted
Came true with you as the sculptor
Would you have all your dreams
Been set in stone by my hands
I've overanalyzed my past
The possibilities that never saw light
Sorrow fills my soul
Because I see the greatness
That could have been
So I write what I said then
That altered our reality
To a future that is our present
Two sides of opposite coins
Of opposing currency
Yet the needs of my heart
Compel me to still say it
I love you
Not once have I ever stopped
Yet I've started to dislike it
The questions I know the answers to
Even the ones I hate to ask myself
When those are the ones
With endless outcomes
I hate to admit it
But I only see one outcome anymore
Me growing old
Loving a woman
That will never be mine
Giving and receiving affection
To others I won't care for nearly as much
So do I write these hopes off
Pass thru life
Under the radar
And void of attention
Could it really be
I've become weary of emotions
Aching from all the breaks
Thinking each time could be the last
Knowing in my gut
There will be no such thing
I didn't mean to bother you
I was just wondering
Did you do the same
Have the same thoughts
Or maybe I was alone in that
I know the feelings
You may have once had
Are colder than ice
At the bottom of a glacier
But I've been wrong before
And that's a comforting feeling
Because it's something I'm not used to
So without holding you
Any further than intended
I wanted to tell you
One more time
Before I never got the chance
Or even the courage to again
Sincerely yours

I miss the old days
The days I spent not worrying
My happiness not walking on eggshells
Failure wasn't a concern
Now it's all I seem to do
Catastrophically failing at life
Slipping into a darkness
I've feared since the first grade
Knowing all too well my fate loomed
Eagerly awaiting the moment
I failed at all the right things
Eagle to my rathole heart
Insurmountably falling prey
To the demons I created
And failed to drown
Not realizing they learned to swim
I miss the old days
Reminiscing only for the sake of sanity
Reliving the happiness
Even for a second
Before reality slaps me cold
Hopes of living it in the moment
Growing desolate

Depression antagonizing anxiety
Questioning my position
Too far from Heaven
God can't reach me
Too lost in the dark
The devil can't find me
Hopes for happiness
An irrelevant fantasy
Dreams of love
Become phantasmal
Yet the yearning for the warmth
An addictive pain
Overly satisfying desire
Am I worth it
I know I'm not worth
The lead in the chamber
The price of the rope
The bleach or the shovel
Or the memory of a sidewalk stain
Not worth the sway of second hands
Or the hands I want to hold
I've become nothing
Worth nothing
Scrounging for attention and success
Hoping someone would see in me
What I can't see in myself
Growing ever so deeply in hatred
Towards myself
Knowing the tendencies I have
The habits I've formed
Trying to protect myself
From a world dead set
On destroying me
Only to realize it succeeded
In more ways
Than what I was prepared for
Questioning myself every hour
What am I worth
When all I have is the love
Of a little girl
Barely knowing who I am
Eating at myself
For allowing it to be like this
Knowing nothing I could have done
Would have stopped this from happening
In just another form it would have taken
What am I worth
Someone please tell me
Give me a straight answer
Show me I'm not wandering
Aimlessly into an abyss
Recklessly living just for nothing
Something has to add up
When will the things I desire in life
Come to fruition
Without having to struggle
To fight not only the world
But myself included