Wide awake
Left alone with my thoughts
Music playing softly
Free to let my mind wander
To feel everything
And cry if needed
The most inspiring time
If you happen to be awake

I sit here numb
Take a drink of water
Look back at the camera
No one knows I'm back here
Almost on the verge of tears
Been this way all day
No idea why
It just took over
I thought I was better
What went wrong

I don't know how to say this
But I might as well try
Unfortunately this is the end
No more poems to read
Mystery Girl is running away
I just can't do it anymore
Putting my heart out there
I never should've posted
Let you see pieces of me
I hate to leave you hanging
But it's time to say goodbye

1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)
8)
9)
10)
*Please don't make me go on.

February 14th
Another day in another year
Same old thing
Always lonely
Wasting my day with
Stupid games and movies
Wishing, hoping
Maybe it'll be different this year
But it never is

If they had a sound
It would be a can of loose screws
Sitting on a washing machine
A constant jangle of bits and pieces

If they had a taste
It would be sour candy
And a battery on your tongue
Electric and sharp all at once

If you could touch them
They would feel like static
And cotton *****
Unpleasantly soft with a scratchy tingle

If you breathed them in
It would be rubbing alcohol
With cinnamon and pepper
A raw burn followed by touches of spice

But when you see them
You might not realize
A bouncing leg here
Drumming fingers there

You're right
Apologies are too late
What makes you think
You can just cone back like this
I remember it alright
If I had it
It'd be smoldering ashes
I don't play around
You messed up
You lied
You don't love me
You don't treat someone you love
The way you treated me
I wish I had never found your poems
Never started reading
But not always
Just when I'm angry
And it's been a while
I almost forgot
Remembered you for a second
Tried to tell you I trended
Hot dog I trended
And I remembered
Being so excited to tell you
I was so ridiculous
You were just that guy
Who wrote me love poems
A long time ago
I used to want to say
**Hey. I miss you

I miss you every day
Even when I'm not
Thinking about it
It's always there
In the back of my mind
Waiting for April
To force its way
To the front
Waiting for the chance
To be the center
Of my attention
And I read sad things
Sing sad songs
Write sad things
Because I can't help myself
I need to feel sad
Because if I don't
I'm afraid I won't
Be able to feel at all

You
Why did you do it
Kiss me and tell me you like me
Spend so much time with me
Make me like you so much
Just to turn around
And I don't know
I saw her
The girl you called babe
I would have waited
As long as you needed
Been here as your friend
Regardless of what happened
But I feel betrayed
You said you liked me
But called her babe
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

I don't think you tried hard enough
Celebrating lonely nights
You could have had another
Random 2 hour conversation
If you had just picked up the phone
All you had to do was call
Talk to me
But you didn't
And all this is
Is back and forth
I don't believe your feelings
And I don't know my own
The world can watch all they want
You could shout from the mountains
And I still don't think I'd believe you
You'll probably always be another ****** bag
A little more than a little
And the fall in love part
I don't think happened
Don't know if it ever will
But good luck changing
Trying to be a man
A woman would be proud to love
You're probably going to need it
But so what if I'm stubborn
It makes me less likely to get hurt again
And all this back and forth
Ought to tell you
That you don't be me that well
So you can't tell me
You know what I feel

Let me tell you about my bad days
They pop up out of nowhere
In the middle of a laugh
Or maybe a joke
In the middle of an adventure
It just hits
Like running into a brick wall full force
Leaving me breathless
Gasping for just an ounce of oxygen
And it feels like running into a brick wall
Would hurt less
I lose all motivation to do anything
Wishing I could just lay back
And pretend I don't exist
Maybe have a plane fall out of the sky
Putting me out of my misery
Thinking every thought that has run
Through my head millions of times before
Every thought of death and pain
Every daydream of dying over and over
Sixty different ways
Sometimes with no idea why
All of this pain out of nowhere
For absolutely no reason
Hoping someone might see it and recognize
Pull me away from depression's cold grip
These are bad days
They are not beautiful they are dark
Cold, bleak, filled with pain
Don't romanticize it or wish for it
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy

Here is where I stand
Fighting for you
Praying that you'll stay
Give me one more chance
I know you've given me plenty
But please one more
And here is where I'll lay
If you tell me no
If you leave me today
When your words destroy
Shoot me down
Here is where I'll die
In a pool of my own blood
Because a puddle is too small
To show how much I love you

I thought I was better
Laughing and smiling
It didn't feel like I had to pretend
It was all real
I was happy again
For the first time in years
I didn't have any worries
I looked forward to so many things
But here I am
Sitting alone and crying
What happened to me
I thought I was better
But here I am
Wishing I didn't feel because
Being numb is better than pain
Better than sorrow and tears
Better than this depression

They say your eyes are windows to your soul
Well I got blackout curtains
My feelings will not get out
I got soundproof walls
This is the end of it
No more peeping toms
Or ears pressed to doors
No one will ever know
What hides inside of me
Me secrets and my past
Are mine and mine alone now
Those who know will know
But those who know nothing
Will be left in the dark
With the bright exterior I will display

You have the brightest
Biggest, most blue eyes
I think I've ever seen
And I think that
I'm drowning in them
Falling for you

I'm breaking
And breaking
And breaking
From pain
And hate
And words
Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But words will never hurt me
Words said as children
So it wouldn't hurt
And break, break
Break us
But it did
The words
And looks
And abuse
No matter the kind
Now look
We're breaking
And breaking
And breaking
From the pain
And hate
And words
Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But words will never hurt me
We see now
It's all a lie
To make us feel
Just a little better
But the truth always
Shows in the end
And we see
We were simply
Foolish
And now
I'm here
And I'm breaking
And breaking
And breaking

When you're around
I start to miss you
I get confused
Wanting to tell you
I don't know why
But I want you to know
What I want
Where I'll go
Help me understand
What went wrong
Bring me back
To when I was strong
Tell me everything is okay
And bring me back today

Broken glass
Across the floor
The plate I threw
Shattered at the door
Don't come knocking
To see if I'm okay
I'll get better
Maybe one day
But for right now
I'm perfectly fine
The emotion is gone
It's about time
I clean up my mess
From my break
And hope tonight
My soul you'll take
Leave me emotionless
To do no harm
I'd hurt myself
With no lucky charm
To keep me alive
My broken sanity
Lying somewhere
Deep inside me

I won't ever be the beautiful little flower
You had sitting on display
I think I finally broke
After being dropped too many times
Shattered into a hundred pieces
Let's try to pick them up
Put them back together
Almost like a puzzle
Wait, don't forget the super glue
Is this even working?
Where does this piece go?
Ouch...that hurt
Some of these are sharp
Careful now
Be gentle not to hurt yourself
Okay there we go
I think that's the last one
Not quite like before
But you know, I think I like it better

Fighting the words
Thrown in our faces
Running away
To secret places
Hiding from
The aim to ****
Confidence and esteem
Screams ringing shrill
Through the dense air
Filling my ears
With strong words
Only said in fear
Afraid to stand
In fear of falling
We don't hear
The guardians calling
Screaming out clearly
Yelling our names
Trying to save us
From these games
We band together
Silently as one
Fighting our bullies
Until the war is won

Flutter your wings
Fly far away
Get out of this place
Come back another day
Let your colors show
But know how to hide
The predators will chase you
Trying to get inside
They'll try to break you
Don't let them through
Let all your colors show
And simply be you

I have this overwhelming urge
To jump in my car and drive
Chasing the sun to the ends of the Earth
Following the rainbow
Hoping it might lead me
To the *** of gold at the end
Praying the sun's rays
Might guide my journey
Lead me to the light
Sparkling in your eyes
I have this overwhelming urge
To chase the sun all the way
Straight into your arms

Spotlight
Bright, staring me down
Sweat drips slowly down my face
Coughs and whispers
Sneezes and giggles
I can feel my heart like a drum
Beating violently in my chest
My knees are shaking
They're all staring at me
I swallow once then clear my throat
I open my mouth
And I can't make myself speak
My eyes start burning
I know what's coming
They'll laugh and point
SHE CHOKED

I love that feeling
When I'm laying in bed
After sleeping for a while
Where I can feel my body
Radiating heat
Into the space under my blanket
It's warm and gentle
Comforting

There are so many things
I want to say to you
But I don't have the guts
To hit the send button
Don't even know
What I would type out
Maybe tell you that
I love you
Or that I wish I
Had never walked away
Maybe that hearing
You're having a baby
Devastated me
It's my fault though
That you're engaged
Having a baby
While I sit and miss you
I regret not telling you
Exactly how I felt
When I had the chance
Because now we're
Different people
Living different lives

I'll give you this piece of me
Though there's not much to give
Do with it what you will
But here it is

I lost my mother
Just this past April
She wasn't there for graduation
She won't be there
If I get married
Or have little babies
And it breaks my heart
I know I've still got my father
But it's not the same
We're too different
He doesn't understand
There's no comfort
When I get bad
Nothing but anger
I need her
And she's not here
I've spent hours just crying
And because of an accident
Her car is gone too
It could have been mine
And now it's gone
I gave up my dream
Of going to school
Majoring in photography
(Something she helped me discover)
Making her proud
To buy a new car
So I could still work
I've got no more dreams
Nothing to look forward to
And I feel hopeless
After my car is paid off
In about two years
I may just end it
There's nothing left for me
Not in this life

One hot night
Four kids heading home
After a high school football game
Went off the road
Sliding they went
And hit a tree
Just a baby tree
Right between the doors
At the strongest part of the car
The car pushed it over
And rolled onto its side
One bleeding
Two screaming
Two calm
Help!
I'm stuck in the seatbelt
Hanging in the driver's seat
Find a phone
Call 911
Someone is calling to us
Is that the smell of gas?
Get out now!
Get away from the car!
Fire truck
Police
Ambulance
Two taken to the hospital
No major injuries
Just need to be checked
The guilt
I was driving
I was responsible for them
They could have died
Just **** me please
End all my guilt
End all the pain I feel
Please
Put me out of my misery

I called you because you didn't
Though you said you would
I was waiting
Happy as can be
Excited to talk to you again
Mad because you forgot
You forgot and didn't call
Had a drink instead
That hurt more than
Anything had in a whIle
I realized how ridiculous I was
To be your valentine
To let you in my heart in any way
Not that it matters anymore
Doesn't matter I thought
It could have been good for us
To have someone else
That I didn't care about
How messed up you were
It never mattered to me
All that mattered
Was the potential I saw in you
But it doesn't matter now

I dreamt about you last night
About us
Someone didn't want us together
So we took off
Planning our whole life
We were going to build a house
Start a little family
Our love was so real
And finally
FINALLY had a place
To grow and flourish
Living up to its full potential
And my god
It was beautiful

Not really living
Or existing
Just kind of here
More like stuck
No way out of this
Trapped in the mind maze
Can't find my way out
To enter the real world
It gets old sometimes
Wandering these empty halls
Nothing written on the walls
No notices posted
Or warnings to tell you
The misery you'll find
If you look too closely
Into the dark and creepy
Abandoned old rooms

My words
  Falling to the ground
    As I run
      Through the dark
         Further from my past
           Into the future
             A song in my heart
               Words overflowing
                 Falling to the ground

You'll be a treasure
Deep in my heart
A secret gift
Unhidden from the world
I'll show you off
Give you my all
Try to make you happy
I will love you
Until this day arrives

I'll love you for as long as I can
Until the end of the world
Until the summer becomes winter
And winter becomes summer
Until the sun stops shining
But maybe a better way to say it
Is that I'll love you my dear
Until February 31st

I'm 19 feeling dead
Like I've been dying
Gone for too long
Like I've been gone
Long enough for everyone
To lose their sadness
And just get over it
You've all long been over it
No more pain for anyone
Except me
I still have to deal with it
Feeling like I'm dying
What's wrong with this picture
Right
I'm so young
Have so much to live for
Should feel alive
But isn't feeling dead better
There may not be any warmth and love
But at least it's not cold, dark and alone
Like the bottomless abyss
That makes up my mind, body and soul

Sometimes I am absolutely nothing
It's like I'm invisible
My words don't come out very clear
Or at all
Other times I am everything
You give me every ounce
Of love and attention your body can muster
I'm so confused by you
Sometimes you're great, wonderful
I feel the love pouring out of you
Every drop absorbed into my skin
Soaking through the walls I had built
Other times you are tough
Guarded by a million walls
Surrounded and I can't get through to you
Ignored and pushed away
I can't live like this
Feeling like I'll never break open the walls
Never truly being part of your life
Just an in and out temporary fixture

What's that dating site again
The one that says
First comes like
They have a point
You've got to like someone
Before you can love them
You've got to like who they are
Deep down inside and all throughout
Right now you can go at it
Like a bunch of rabbits
But when you're older what's left
Is who you are inside
If you don't like the person
You've probably spent half of your life with
You're out of luck
It's too late to go back to the days
When you were young
Too late to change what has happened
Too late to get that time back
So remember
First comes like

It has been four months
To the **** day
Since you posted last
And I find myself
Searching your name
Trying to find a new
Piece of you
Written somewhere on
This ******* site
I must be pathetic
It's been so long since
We even talked to each other
And we've both
Moved on with our lives
What the hell am I doing
Desiring your words
Like never before

I've spent time with you
Around your friends
Alone
You seemed so great
Like you cared for me too
But it's all just a ******* lie
Isn't it?
You never really liked me
Did you?
.....
Didn't think so.

She's sitting out in the courtyard
Holding a cigarette between her slim fingers
Chipped red nail polish
Shaking hands
Reading the worn out pages
Of her dog eared book
Concentrating on each page
Like her life depends on it
And it does
She clings to the words trying
Not to hold on to her broken heart
Tucking her hair behind her ear
She turns to the next page
Shaking, taking another draw
Such pain in the way she sits
Curled in upon herself
Blocking out the world
No one approaches her
She sits alone

Her shaky hands with
Fading, chipped nail polish
Reaching slowly towards her cup
Wrapping her slender fingers
Around the warm mug
Steam rising from the top
Slowly and cautiously
Lifting it towards her
Fearing she might drop it
Steam engulfing her pale face
As she takes a gentle sip
Lips pressing firmly
Around the rim of the mug
And when she puts it down
She spills a little
Hurrying to wipe it up
Ignoring the lipstick print
Her smooth lips left on the rim

Goodbye my friend
Could I even call you that
You did stand by me
But it's hard not to
You're not real
And I'm growing up
Watching you fade away
The tears in my eyes
Screaming for you to stay
Don't leave me
You're the only one I trust
But you're fading away
And there's nothing I can do
I'll miss you
I'll always love you
My imaginary friend

I'm happy that everyone is
Lost in the loveliness of their own lives
I'm happy that there's so much good
For the people that I care so much about
I'm happy that some people still feel
The pleasure of joy
Instead of being stuck in pits of misery
And sadness
I'm happy that some have gotten out of misery
And found their way to something much better
I'm happy that everyone is so........
Happy
Even though I'm not

Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday to me
Happy Birthday dear Mystery
Happy Birthday to me
Finally turned eighteen
Let's light some candles
And I'll make a wish
On the count of three
One...
Two.....
Three...
*I wish I had never been born

This year passing
Leaves me much more pleasantly
Than two years before
But I find myself here
As the day comes to an end
Wondering about you
Because I still care
And never wanted it to end like this
So here I go again
Lurking in these shadows
Mere hours before the day ends
My 20th birthday

Another year passes
Aging but not changing
Like I’m stuck
In an endless loop
The highs and lows
Come and go
But they never really go
Hibernating for days, weeks,
Maybe months at a time
If I’m lucky
But I’m never lucky, am I?
This might be the worst birthday yet

Slowly wrap your arms around me
Gently hold me close to you
So that I might feel your heartbeat
Through your favorite t-shirt
Let it calm my violent tears
Soothe my hurting heart
Take care of my soul please
Because I can't do it myself

I send you a message while you sleep
So that when you wake up
You'll know I was thinking about you
And at the end of the text
I leave a single heart emoji
Not because I want to tell you
That I love you
But because for me they are a symbol
Of affection and warmth
Just something to remind you
That I care about you

Hiding behind a smile
She is broken
Losing everyone she loves
Everything's falling apart
She stays silent
While fights errupt
Wishing to help
But afraid to speak
Nights filled with tears
And days hidden behind smiles

I walk outside and all I see
Are the surrounding houses
I can't see miles out
My home is a hilly place
Surrounded by mountains
Leaves turn to red and orange
Setting the trees on fire
For a couple of weeks
Before they all fall down
Leaving bare branches and gray skies
Such hope when there was 60 degree weather
In the middle of December
Then January hit and so did the snow
Gone in a couple of days
Then there are more nice days
That turn to rain
And when you start seeing green it's time
Mosquitos come running
To munch on you all day
Better get some bug spray
Spring brings the bees
Flying everywhere you go
Wasps all over and in your car
Days get longer, hotter
Swimming pools used frequently
Nights are warm too
Everything is great
Then the real heat hits
Sweat dripping down nearly every face
Soaking through t-shirts
Sandals everywhere
Shorts galore
Girls in barely anything
Men going shirtless on occasion
Mowing the yard or going for a run
Air conditioning and ice tea
Grills going on the weekends
Then it starts to cool down
Leaves change once more
Setting the trees on fire again
Home state seasons

Lust in her eyes
She'll give you a show
Exactly what you want to see
Something sweet
Just a little treat
Draw you in
When she starts to move
Something soft and sultry
She'll set the seductress inside free