Those were your words
As I fell mute
Afraid to inform you
The darker side of me
You must have overlooked
I've never put myself first
I'll never be fair to myself
I'll put a world eager to destroy me
Behind me knowing pain
Is my only reward
I'd rather hurt
Weigh the burden
Just to see someone smile
True I want happiness
Something I'll never obtain
Yet in the glimpse of someone's smile
Their momentary happiness
Knowing they had someone
Ward off one second of pain
I share with them
So in my selfishness
Of wanting you
Despite your desire
To not have a family
In my unfairness to myself
For finding happiness
My daughter cannot give me
Solely through you
I can't help loving you
And maybe it's pointless
An utter waste of your time
You'll dispute me till the end
Finding another excuse
To not give me a chance
Ignoring how you feel
Because you wouldn't have asked
If you didn't feel something
You want something
But can't figure it out
You wouldn't have kept answering
And maybe that's why you fell silent
Scared of whatever it was
Resurfacing abruptly
Do you really want me to come
Show my face
And make you feel it even deeper
Or are you wanting the verification
That there couldn't be anything
To ever transpire between us
You're quick to tell me
What it is you don't want
When that's everything I am
But it's not what you want
That you inform me of
Is it because you believe
I could possibly be that as well
Is the idea of having any sort
Of affection towards me
Truly that terrifying
I could be reading this wrong
Trying to understand this
Self justification session
I go through
To ease my own pain
That I know follows
My destructive tendency
I use as an armor
Unprescribed antidepressants
Keeping me from what I know
To be an inevitable action
No amount of therapy can stop
I'll never be fair to myself
I'll sell myself short
To make someone else richer
I'm a victim to my own design
In that end my demise
Trying to take on a persona
That wants to face the rapture
And conquer it for another
Sorry my thoughts are all over
I have no excuse
Me just being my usual
Insane self
Figuring out a dialogue
I have no answers for
All I can say
Is it's fair of me
To be unfair to myself
Finding everything to love
In someone
That won't love me back
No matter how much I confess
Or how long I do
Simply because I let myself
Slip away from you once
For these very same questions
This is our form of tag
With me chasing you
And you evading me
Every time I get
Slightly closer than before
I honestly can't stop thinking. Everything's jumbled. One question creates another. One answer contradicts the others. Maybe I need to let you go before I become overly unfair to myself.