The begonias in my garden are blooming and my roses are doing alright
I know I should be tending to them but you keep coming across my mind
I know you have to leave town soon
But do you think you have some time?

I know you're drinking your coffee and combing back your hair
But all I want to ask you
is do you have a second to spare?
Because the flowers all whisper to me
"he loves you, he loves you not"
And I'll tell you that I love you, my dear,
Words I believe you forgot

Like a shell needs its host
To travel the world
Like color exists in the iris of a soul
I needed you the most
Like thorns cling to a rose to protect her from harm
Like a beach needs a shore
To welcome the sea with the land's charm
I need you
I need you
And life continues on
I climb every step, trying on my own
I see the signs
I feel you are close
But in my life, you've moved on
Now you're just a ghost

Is she a ghost to you
Like how he's a ghost to me?
Let's let them go together
And run away, free.
Yes, I know- it's haunting
But if you keep turning around for a look
You'll only haunt your heart and set it up to be spooked

So let go of the ouija board that became our phones
Because our ghosts of love will only haunt us if we forget we're not alone

When the glasses come off
And your hair falls in your face
By candlelight two souls bind
And my heart feels fiery haste

Dark hair that falls on my forehead
'Seems like a dream come true
When heaven exists in the four corners of my apartment
Where I share this celestial love with you

he said,
she said.
Stuck in the murky grey
Of what's supposed to be our beginning
But now I'm not sure what to say

Haunted by ghosts that still lurk within your every room
And I am yet helpless to the shadow that follows you

we had our first argument
The first heat without passion's cause
A tsunami without a shore
A raging tigress without claws
And yet I didn't feel moved
Like a hurricane to a bay

Words taken from my mouth
Peace is stolen in murky grey

It wasn't a battle if wits
It was two people observing
The same structure,
                                   Differently
Like an abstract blot chart
You saw a web, but I saw a tree
you saw getting caught,
And I only saw growth
Your heart was timid
Like a shaking windmill to a hurricane
My heart was ready to take oath

Your projected manifestations
Burned holes in my head
Making me question
My own worth instead
It warped my reality
Of the timelined events
And now all I've known feels
Twisted

And its hard to look at the stars now,
And not think of your eyes
You have freckles inside your irises
Constellations better than the sunrise
Your shoulders were mountains I loved to climb
Perhaps I climbed too high and was too exposed to the cold
Contagious dialogues,
Viruses for the soul

And now I grieve as I
Shake off the snow.

You were in my dreams
Now you're in all my nightmares
**** abandonment

Don't tell me to just listen
when I've already listened enough
Don't tell me to just smile
when I'm already acting tough
Don't tell me to stop crying
and to rub the tears away
Don't tell me that it'll be alright
just to deal with my emotions for one less day
I didn't tell you just to listen,
when you were sad and spoke your mind
When words were pouring out of your mouth
I opened my ears and my eyes
Listening and speaking; it is a bittersweet gold
Our mind only lets us speak what others' hearts can only hold.

If I become a widow long before my death,
I'll be in Colorado where the mountains will catch my breath

If I become a widow long before my time to go,
I do not want my grandchildren to miss me,
I'll be in a cabin next to glistening snow

If I become a widow and begin to cry,
I do not want my children to worry
because I still have a strong heart beating inside

I'll escape to the mountains in a cabin on the hills
where I'll sip warm tea to brush away the chills
I'll watch sunrises over the mountains as I think of my love
until I'm no longer a widow
and with him above

If lions ever eat me,
Please do not weep
We are animals too,
And every beast must eat
If lions ever eat me,
Please do not fill with rage
Those that play with fire get burnt,
No different than locking yourself in a lion's cage
If a lion ever eats me,
Its okay to ponder
Just as long as you remember it's only a lion's nature
If lions ever eat me
It's okay to laugh
Their teeth ripping my flesh apart
Could never be as savage as a cold human heart

A poet is a poet,
no matter how much time has gone by
without writing the words from the souls of our eyes
A poet is a poet,
don't mind if the cat got my tongue
because my mind still holds beauty
even when the tiresome day is done

You may see a hat,
but you don't see the bruises underneath
You may see a smile,
yet you don't see the scars on my inside cheek
I've had a habit of biting my tongue
I blame it on being too young,
and I don't know what anything really is

Everyday is a wake up call
Everything I say is another way to fall
Everything, everywhere, everyone..
I'm so envious of that word "every".

"Just smile!" He told me.... "You're pretty", He tells me..
So I smile, and accept the fact that he'll never know the real me..
Hold your tongue, hold your breath,
make yourself believe that you love him to death
Bite my tongue, clench my teeth...
After all, it's just a little blood on my inside cheek.

You see me the way I am,
soft skin and unclothed
I may be imperfect but the lacy silks give me a better glow
I see you the way you are,
bare skin and muscles toned
Under these sheets of sorrow
we often forget who fell.. in love. with. who..... first.

After what we just did I can't feel anything but my heartbeat
You lay your head on my chest and I'm brushing your cheek
Your hair is entangled on my lips, are those scratches on your back?
You looked like you hugged a lion, sorry dear, I never meant to do that..

But when it comes down to being naked,
it's not only about taking off clothes
It's looking into each other's eyes
and seeing our own breathing, ticking souls..
well..
Looking into your soul is like looking at a cameo
dancing on a chain in my hand,
The silhouette then dances on a pendant,
beautiful and illusive,
shadowy transcendence..

Just hold me like a fragile cameo
I hope you learn more about me
by looking into my eyes than what these sheets say,
they often can tell lies
Just imagine us in a fragile cameo
Silhouettes of people, in love but never seen or known
Just a cameo.

Sometimes my love
Hides
Like shadows to the moon
Sometimes my joy shines
Like gold over maroon
Sometimes my anger bursts
Like thunder out of rain
Sometimes my somber thoughts
Are knuckles tapping on foggy windowpanes
Sometimes my courage is an eagle perched on high mountain cliffs
Or my ambition a sapling,
Ready for winter's first kiss

But despite my many forms,
Silhouettes of trees,
Shimmering golds,
Thunder,
Foggy windows,
Saplings,
Heights

I want to be known for my light.
I want to be known for my light.

She moved and danced and flipped through the chapters that were now gone
Like the jungle to her life,
And so the beasts danced on
She ran, and jogged, and trotted
To where new life would spawn
And like a party after a funeral,
The beasts danced on
She swayed, swifted, and stepped
Into the inevitable dawn
Like the sunrise after nightfall
The beasts danced on

She stalked, and crawled, and sprinted like a lioness hunting for long
Like the wild beasts of the land
She was moving on

I want to be a lily pad,
Floating so gracefully
I want to be a lily pad,
Where the water can comfort me
I'd see the reflections
Of everything that surrounds me,
Mountains on the water,
The willows and groves,
But the only reflection I'd dare to miss is my own
While my roots linger down, underneath the water's edge
My heart will bloom flowers from every single breath
The colorful koi will appreciate my beauty and grace
And still, I have never seen my own face

Folk tales and songs
Wash cold winter days from my palms
How I long for a different life
How I wish this life gone
Inside me, she snarls
Inside me, she sleeps like a toddler in a crib
Inside me, a lioness-
Who paces inside my ribs
Freedom is solidarity
Freedom is pure
But to enjoy too much loneliness
Is the devil's greatest lure

My mind is stuck in this middle ground
it's stuck in a fragment of wasted time
Digestible, but still too big for this tiny heart of mine
They tell me I've got a big heart, bright and warm it is..
but my secret life is my private life and it's not for the public
because I...
never know when I'll do something stupid
I never know when I'll change my mind
if happiness is worth all this confusion,
then I don't want him to be mine
if family is stronger than gold
if blood is always thicker than water
then I don't want to be my next victim,
I don't want to be Love's daughter

Yet I know I'm always going to want him
his style, his smile, it's worth every penny of throwing everything away
His soul and his mind make me crave everything
everything he has..
Yet here I am, just a caged bird,
I sing the only song that only my captor holds
He spoils me, with everything he has
except the rolling green hills and the blue skies that Juden has

And if all this confusion is worth all this pain,
I don't want to be blamed for being the cause of this game
I only want to hear Juden's laughter
even if it means I'm not Love's daughter

Open your eyes, little one,
And enjoy the smell of the air
Your floppy ears wiggle,
Your clumsy body is covered in hair
I never thought I'd fall in love with a boxer's wrinkles
But I love them more and more each day, and how your eyes twinkle!
You growl and play and sleep in my arms
You'll grow and run and only to shoes, show merciless harm
I look at you and see a future within,
Best of all, little Maverick,
You remind me that life is truly something.

I hate this.
This constant wandering, like jumping over sides
but the only steps I'm moving are the feet in my mind
Asking, "Am I happy?", "Is this what, WHO, I want to BE?"
Then I remember, at least I'm always going to be me..
Who you're with, does that defy you?
Does your individualism go away?
Sacrifices are necessary,
but will they remember me or my name?
I'm artistic, poetic, I crave ink on paper and metaphoric songs in the sun
I am not some princess, or that "country girl" who can always use a gun
I may laugh and follow you through this life, us..as a team,
but darling, my rifle is my paintbrush..my canvas, my trophy.

I've written many poems
Songs of prose and verse
Somedays it's a triumph,
Other days a curse
To create and create and create
Like a ******'s tooth that won't stop growing
I gnaw away at words while they are flowing
Like a flood in my mind,
Infinite stansas of soliloquies
Like a pen with infinite ink
I am lyrics without a melody

He was the Michelangelo
to her plain cathedral walls
He was the stain glass lighting
Her dark and somber halls
Painted hands reach for the heavens
Like he reaches for her veins
His delicate nature to her cherry windowpanes
The smell of sage and myrrh  
Became the perfume on her skin
He was her Michelangelo
And he had yet to begin

My curiosity is often mistaken for stupidity
My stupidity is often misplaced with biased thoughts
The biased thoughts shoved into our heads are often placed there by our religious fathers
Our religious fathers lack curiousity
And so the cycle continues.

My demons, they are loud
but start out soft in my mind
More and more they grow,
their voices become my crimes
"You want it", they whisper,
"You need it", they scream
But I am just their user, their host in my dream
I sit back and laugh at them,
"You think you have a hold on me?
Old habits die hard, but the effort is worth being free!"

"Silly girl,", they snap, like wolves that show their teeth,
"you treat us like we're an enemy, but only you hold the key."
And so I embrace them, like old friends that sit around a fire,
"I'm listening," I tell them, "what is it you desire?"
"We only wish to be heard, not feared, although it seems,
as if we are evil..but evil exists in everything.
You have temptations, aye, that is our fault.
You lack concentration, you'll be taught
"You see, silly girl," They tell me, "ugly we may be-..but the only way to face us, is to embrace our chaotic company."

I hate this confusion
I just need time
My love, we are soul mates but it doesn't mean you're mine
It's complicated and messy
And people feel used
But at least we share an intimacy
That others can't relate to
We stay friends, we get along,
We have a title.. We fight
Why can't we be like the others?
Make love, and call it a night?
A night that turns into a new sunrise,
Where you'll still be mine?
But not in this time, not in this life
When you were drunk, passed out on the floor,
someone told me you'd never be ready for this... For something more
But maybe I'm paranoid?
Maybe I'm the one that has no clue?
Because I think you're talking to me, but you could really be longing for someone new.

Sometimes I feel like Alice
Falling into a looking glass
Where I get stuck between the shimmering images of lovers from my past
But now they have moved on, and have found new lovers too
I've moved on twice or three times since then,
But my looking glass offers a tempting view
Jealousy is no wonderland,
Just a forest of broken shards from your past
Beware of its shiny glimmer
Before it drives you mad

time to time it haunts me,
The memory of us in North Carolina
I remember it perfectly
His blue eyes staring into mine
His red hair contrasts against the white hotel walls
His naked back points to the ceiling
And I'm gasping for air from what we've done

I always remember this when "Fade Away" by Rebelution plays
I don't miss the heartache of wondering if you ever truly loved me
But this moment was perfect
And now is only a memory

I'm applying foundation on my face
though my skin isn't a house it puts everything in its place
Now I'm applying eyeliner to my eyes
'cause hiding the fear isn't easy without these bold black lines
And they break and they drain down my cheek with each tear
so much for those hidden fears

Blush can't hide my un-liveliness,
Gloss alone won't give me that fatal kiss
The one that's toxic, it's toxic to a blow
but at least my lips will have a gentle glow

And I pull, and I pluck the hairs
And I apply, and I powder the tears
And I tweeze, so I can please
And I apply. And I apply.

It's just a little makeup, she said.
A little touch up never hurt anyone, did it?

You hide my face, you hide my face.
But I'm a prisoner behind this mask,
and that's all it really takes.

Now I'm applying eyeliner to my eyes..
cause I can't go on throughout my day without these bold black lines.

This is a poem about new love,
but it isn't mine
Yes, moving on is how we survive
Doesn't it hurt,
to leave a lover behind?
Because your gut told you "Their heart was never mine!"
They grieved over their ex while they were with you
Wondering if her lips were what he felt when he was kissing you
****** up things were said to you,
by this person so toxic
You HAD to get out, but still loved them to be honest
In your best efforts to save him, you let him go
Hoping he'd learn, hoping he'd grow
Not even two months later, he has a new girl by his side
You put your face in your palm,
he never loved you, or else it would have taken more time.

I love you
Your eyes
Your heart and how it smiles
I love your sense of humor
Your empathy
And how you make it all worth while
But I'm toxic, a problem
I'm like a disease
And some how you still share your romantic ecstasy
I love you but I'm disgusted by you
In all the petty ways
I'm learning how to control the lust that burns in my veins
Temptation is strong but I work so hard to walk away with it in stride
From the things I could give in to
like pleasure and pride

Daniel,
Our love is over
But Daniel,
Our love has never died
Is it possible to **** something
That has never lived inside?
You adore the steel of an engine's body
And I adore the steel of one's veins
We have our differences,
Too many to fix
And so I never bothered to complain
But that silence grew and grew inside me
Until honesty opened wide
You've helped me learn more about myself
And who I am inside
So I've grown to be expressive
And crave-full of a certain type
For two years I've owed my heart to you
Two years, of wasted time.

The sea that drowned her
Was now a long memory
How she loved swimming!

Dear
cup of chai tea,
Oh, how you comfort me
On a rainy day when all is grey
Your warmth and aromas,
Can liberate and free
Cinnamon swirls and vanilla
On my taste buds
You make my senses come alive
Depression and sadness is easily cured
With a warm cup of chai

Pear wine
I received from a woman yesterday
She put it in a bottle,
For two years it was saved away
I stopped at her door,
To ask about the bed frame she had advertised
I saw it in her cellar,
Accompanied by homemade wine
I put a fifty dollar deposit down on the oak wood bed frame, foot, and head
I offered her more money, she gave me the bottle instead
That night I drank pear wine
And raised a glass for that loving neighbor
Who gave me pear wine when I offered more money for a bed frame
Greed cannot live in loving favors

Deleting old pictures,
Scraping the bones
From memories that sting
When we were happy and didn't know
That your feelings would change
Like a switch to a light
Like the seasons, or seconds
Like day to night
And I wanted to hold on,
but I knew it when you chose flight

Now I'm looking at my walls
Deciding what to do next
How can I move on, when you were the best?
Your mind always wooed me, despite your chaotic and dark eyes
You were Hades to my Persephone
But you won't be back this winter's time

Now 'Motion sickness' by Phoebe Bridgers
Is playing on repeat
The lyrics are heaven
When my heart is taking Hell's heat
I'm healing from this whiplash,
What the hell happened?
It was a waiting car wreck
And I carelessly kept my seatbelt unfastened

But Phoebe is keeping me company
And her music is like a drug
Distracting me from my enemies
And keeping my heart numb

I just thought you were the one.

I love to photograph
the wild things in the land
If it weren't for the finned and clawed creatures
We wouldn't understand the
technology in our hands

Sonar is what we use to get a glimpse of pre-born babies
We have sonar from dolphins and bats
and yet we scream, "Rabies!"

We wouldn't understand infrasound if it weren't for
the elephants
But we only see their ivory, not their intelligence

Tigers and leopards are born to be trained assassins with
their patterned camouflaged coats
But we make them our trophies because humans need to gloat

We owe omega three's to the schools of fish who gave us healthy brains and hearts
But instead we fill their bellies with plastic and tear their reefs apart

Savannas and forests are turning into deserts because of climate change
But we insist it's just a theory
Who cares about polar bears anyway?

Yes, I love to photograph the wild beasts with
fins, claws, and tails
Because I'm afraid that someday
future generations will ask,
"What was once a whale?"

I can't help but imagine
What it feels like to be monogamous
Unfortunately for me,
My loyalty is infamous
I swim in circles between lovers,
If I could, I would mend them all
And create a morphed partner
But I can't have one world,
I like them all,
From the artisans, to the country folk
Short, big, thin and toned or tall
I'm a wreck at my best, with that there's no doubt
I guess I'll just keep going,
Time will figure it all out

Ghosts that once haunted me
Have vaporized away
When we laid in the sun
On that sunny day
Next to the lake at Promisedland
We watched boats row by
And I packed a basket with roses and the sweetest wine
And when you looked at me a certain way  
I knew you were mine

We read each other poetry from
A collected poetry book
And I knew I found the soul for me
When you gave me that warm look

Laying on a blanket, reading and passing time
Under the sun with full bellies on delicious foods, fruits, and wine
I'd choose no one else, my dear,
But you to be mine

I don't paint my fingernails right before our visits anymore
I don't rush the brushstrokes
I don't worry about the paint drying in time
Afraid that you'll see the truth
Gnawed,
Ripped,
bitten nails
A shadow of anxiety
A shadow of what's inside me

And you see me
My flaws
My weaknesses
Yet you call it beauty
Polish or no polish
You still kiss the palms of my hands
And my soul knows it's home

My love makes me feel valuable
As if I'm the very last postal stamp for his bill payment that HAS to go out today.

He knows my worth,
He presses me to his lips,
Keeps me in the thoughts of his home and all that is dear
But instead of keeping me tucked inside the safety of a drawer
He sends me into the world
With his love, because love is the only thing we give that actually pays back
And I will collect and accumulate and travel and eventually
Come home.

I refuse to become the product of my parents
A sold idea that
Love expires
Like curdled milk
That love is a stone that you toss across a lake
Become amused by a few skips
before you find a new stone
so the sunken one is replaced

I refuse to follow the same path
The same torture
And mistakes

When the vows are said
The wedding night made
The promises meant to be kept
Will be taken to the grave
And that's it. That's that.
Like a shopping list simply cross
Divorce off as a choice and buy something else. Anything else.

Because love is not perishable.
Love is not an expired product.

I ask you to send me a song,
Like you did two years ago
The lyrics that once flattered me
Now pumps my heartbeat slow
You tell me you do not understand,
"How can I send you a song?" You ask,
I guess you do not seem to remember
How you impressed me in the past
Sure, spend and buy me a new bow,
I'm grateful but money cannot buy my love
My love, I feel it deepening in my chest,
This black and empty hole.

We met in an aquarium
Next to sharks and jellyfish and rays
We had only spoken for a few weeks
But you were already latched into my brain

And we strolled through the Electric City
Your hand, and mine
Einstein's theory of relativity
Was the epitome of our time

Rain poured, then it left
And we were greeted by the sun
And I didnt need to have my eyes open
To see the rainbow that day
When we collided inside of color
We kissed inside of color

With the coming rain
It seems to wash away
All our doings,
All our crimes,
Giving back a sunny day
The water washes away the dirt on our skin
It washes away everything
In a grey and lonesome process
So we can begin again

What is reminiscing?
Is it thoughtful, memory-filled wishing?
Is it toxic to one's mind?
Is it safe-zoned distancing?
Two paths to look upon..
one of the past, one of the future
Both with pointed signs
Can't the two just blend,
and make everyone happy, in this world of mine?

What is reminiscing?
Is it a fatal, mind-boggling blow?
To me, it's daydreaming of the past..
and imagining yourself with the things you still don't quite know

If I could swallow my words
And take anything I've said
Back into my veins;
Like they never existed,
Out of all the memories
I've rewound in my head
I'd never take back a single word
But maybe would have just kissed you
Instead

God has a sense of humor
He has a style of teaching us through little ways

It's my first spring in my apartment
A season I've looked forward for weeks
And I've been wishing for a bush of roses
To make rose water and teas
To pick fresh roses and put them in vases in my sun-filled room
It would lighten the dark, with a touch of pink,
And send away the gloom

But paychecks have been sufficient only for living
Not gardening beautiful flowers on a whim
And as I longed for a bush of bright pink roses
I received a gift from Him

Yesterday I went walking
And to my surprise found thorns and buds on the edge of my lawn
I found a bush of pink knockout roses
They have been there all along

Sometimes prayers are answered long before we pray for them

Afraid of others,
she went back to her safety
in the net he made

He has his demons from his past
And quite frankly, so do I
I'm once again the lonelyest person
When he came into my life
Do I take in his flaws and accept the gamble,
That would give away my heart?
Why do I feel like he holds the only light,
When the world is dimming dark?
Show me the world through your eyes
And in this life, how you've made it by
your voice and accent hypnotized me
Into an easier state of mind
Behind the glass, I can see your soul
Comical, light, and warm
Make the chaos run away
Like rays of gold outshine a dark and rainy storm

I called you into the sea
so you can swim under the stars with me
In the water we swim,
skin on skin
My love, I'm afraid I've devoured you whole
You're in my clenched jaw now
You're unaware of my teeth
Can you tell me how?
How do you not know?
I'm a parasitic, heart throb..
The darkest part of me,
is where my life went wrong.