I wish you would realize
what you can still become.
You are here because
the universe willed the atoms
to rearrange themselves
to become *you
and no one else.

You are a crashing orchestra,
a breath of fresh air.
You are decades upon decades upon decades
of destruction and reconstruction
rolled into a tiny voice
and a single choice.
You are much too complex
to be contained in a box.
*You are much too full
of love to share,
but you never keep any of it
for yourself.

I felt
like I had to be cautious
Because the crunch of every footstep
Was going to wake a sleeping giant
Kind of like when I coughed all night
As a kid
Mother was going to have to take care of me
From dusk till dawn
Sometimes people are worth more than sleep
I felt
Like that wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen
It’s been so long since I felt the embrace
Of someone who really wanted to be there
I felt
Like I was finally home
The snow was a blanket that wasn’t cold
And I gratefully snuggled in
The sun was my brother
Showing me a better way
Out of the darkness
I felt
At peace in a torrential world
All of my pieces could finally find a place
I could fit them together
In way that doesn’t make me second guess
Everything I see in the mirror
I felt
I could finally figure out how to be on my own
Like being on my own wasn’t so bad
Because I didn’t feel alone
Despite no having anyone around
I felt
It’s possible to find a purpose
Even without a home, without family or friend
I felt
I could find a purpose that came from within
I felt
Something
That changed everything
Because it’s been so long
Since I felt
Anything
At all

I was just standing there
Feeling the way the earth moved
I thought we were dancing
The earth was spinning
Without noticing my desperation

"Happiness is a decision"
Is something I hear people say often
"Happiness is a decision"
Please tell that to my depression
Tell Depression that I never invited her over
We are a blind date ambush I didn’t agree to
My friend Anxiety set us up because we would make a good match
"Happiness is a choice"
Please tell that to my insomnia
Full of conversation pieces that only serve to resist the edge of sleep
My insomnia has become acquainted with depression
And neither care for happiness
They would rather talk about my lonliness
As if it weren’t in the room
But my lonely is always around as the friend I know best of all
Because I don’t make friends very easily
I am an awkward introvert
When I learn what people think of me
I cant help but hurt
There are high expectations I know I’ll never live up to
Even my mother has moved on to grandkids who still have time
To not disappoint her
"Happiness is a choice"
Please tell that to my face
I will try to believe you
My cohort of friends inside my head
Will likely disagree

I feel like I will break your heart
Despite my best efforts
Because my best is often not enough
For people I like

From day to day I might not change
Despite your best efforts
Because your best is often not enough
For someone like me

My body is hollowed from the outside
My soul is spilling out
Soon I’ll only be a rusty tap
Drip drip drip drip
I am your repetition

Please protect yourself
If you’re going to love me
It will be a war
From which we won't return

This shell-shock attitude;
I am broken
A veteran trying to make sense of
Warless times

The nightmares illuminate my dreams
I lose sleep staring at eyes
I will never see

Here is your warning:
I love you.
Here is your death sentence:
You love me too.