If you say I will get through this
I will spit in your eye

No one survives life

I am in fact
A solar system with no planets
No plans to survive
Within something else
Someone else
Outside of my own existence
I will not create history
Or remnants
There will be no collateral damage
There will be no effect
My head
Is it’s own
My arms are only my arms
The stars are only my own
There is no one else
There is nothing else
All I will ever have is myself
Persons try
To orbit me
But eventually
They leave
They die
Or move on
Or get ****** into someone else
Something else
It’s alright
I keep myself safe
The closer the meteor is
The closer the end is
So I kept myself
Alone
Despite your best efforts
I recognize everyone as temporary
Everything is so far away

I am exhausted from trying to keep myself alive
Anyone making it harder is
In the way
I will not hold onto you
If you are not willing to stay
That’s why most people
End up far away
It’s not worth it to me
I hold no gravity

...And I’ve told you
Time and time again
In a glance or a breath on your neck
In a contact of skin and an accidental smile
it creeps up your cheeks
You’re still looking at me
And I now
Know for certain
We laugh about them and how they laugh about us
I say that it’s crazy
And silly
And yet
Surface tension never breaks
Eye contact feels illegal
Is it love
Is that it
Is it spiritual
A souls connection formed by intimacy
Intimately our vulnerability left us
Out of the group
Standing
Pretending nothing was happening
I cannot say what we’re saying
out loud....

I wish that I could love myself
The way I love you
Maybe then
I would stop getting disappointed

You have to laugh
Otherwise it isn’t funny
Teenage sobriety
Turns into a joke.

My brain feels like something
I am constantly trying to get away from
Unresolved trauma lays
And grey matter doesn’t stay
I’m in pain
A lot of the time
And I can’t stand being alone
Because of this
Distractions keep me occupied
But they don’t allow my issues to get fixed
I tried to go back to therapy
But my doctor hung up on me
And I am alone in the shallow end of the pool
Again
“Just stand up”
Is what I think
Is what I cry
All night
“Just stand up”
Is what everyone tells me
But what they don’t see
Is this pool is full of tar
And while it is shallow
It is drowning me still
It is holding me still
“Just stand up”
Do I create my own problems?
Do I hurt myself?
Am I the only reason that I still feel like this?
“Just stand up”
Molasses
“Just stand up”
A crisis
”Just stand up”
My limbs are numb
“Just stand up”
I stand
And my older brother stares at my naked body like he’s hungry
And I am 7 years old again
I stand
And I can see my father slap my mother across the face
I am 6 years old again
I stand
And I see the boy that manipulated me out of my body like a murderer who says “I love you” before shooting you
If you love me why are you doing this
Why are you violating me
I’m 16 years old again
And no one ever told me that my body was mine
That I could say no to the men who want to hurt me
That not everyone wants to love me the way I want to be
Loved
I stand
I spin
And I’m back down again.