Last year I was addicted to caffeine
I used to call anxiety spicy energy
Espresso shots and soft drinks tore their way through my veins
The year before that
I was addicted to you
I used to call the sadness inspiration
I used to call you
And you would always ignore me
I used to be addicted to writing
But people go through phases
We mimic nature
The moon is dark and darker and then it’s light again
Your heart is warm and warmer and then it’s cold
And friends
Will change and leave you behind
And you will cry in your car all night
After eating one too many edibles

This poem’s a mess
And so is my head

This year I don’t have any addictions
This year I am free
And I found that there isn’t that much in my personality
I tied myself to people and things
And being alone is scary
But I guess it’s better then being a slave
I guess it’s better to be ordinary.

I smoke **** because it makes the headaches go away
My brain pounds against my skull
And the lights flicker and
The sharp pain follows me home
The drugs made everything dull
I mean, can you blame me?
A life full of sharp
Stabbing
Pain
Washed away with an inhalation of smoke
The tramadol didn’t work
The codeine didn’t work
But the smoke

Worked.

I say I hate them
The boys
All of them
Really I hate me
For letting them treat me
The way that they do

You used to use it against me
You used to say
“You’ve changed”
“You aren’t the same person I fell in love with”
The pain
The blame
Of changing with your growing age
You used to smirk
After you flirted
After you insulted
After you won
I used to imagine what it would be like to kiss your thin pink lips
I thought I could predict the way you would kiss
The way the knives prickled off your tongue
Sharp
I am surprised they are not
Red with blood
You used to do a lot of things
You used to play god
But you kept forgetting your own rules
I
Was scared of your inconsistency
I
was scared of how much it took to get you to love me
I
Was always scared of something
And that something changes constantly

I
Used to
Be scared of you

I used to send you messages littered with
“I’m sorry”
And
“I love you”

We

Used to do a lot of things

But we don’t anymore

All the memories
All the ticks
Melted
With our friendship