I'm so scared, what if you do check this email? And you read my email. What would you say? Or not say? Or react? Or you don't remember me or something. I don't know what I'm doing or thinking but I reread our facebook messages and I wish I could reread our msn messages and I have no idea why I did/do/want to do any of that.

What do I expect? No clue. None. I am leaving myself in the dark on this one.
Probably chalked me up as a bad experience in your life. Or something.
I bet you've got sweet digs to live in, a good job or a good school to go to, some good boyfriend. Great family. I should've said congrats on graduation. I'm really late now. And Happy birthday. How were you ever 14? How was I ever 14? Merry Christmas. It's late, but you said it to me one year and I didn't reply. So that's settled and even.

Facebook is frustrating. It shows all of your messages to me, yet only shows half or less of mine to you. Not that I need to see them. I was probably a ****. Well, I was a ****. I think I still probably am. No surprise. Is this creepy? I'm gonna guess you think it's creepy that I'd email you and search you up after so long. It's probably wrong. Probably a lot of hate. For all my talk I ever spewed out, that's not a feeling I have currently. I am so confused.

You'd probably be confused too if you opened this. Or read my message on tumblr. I saw your blog in my old bookmarks. Man, did that give me a start.

What are you doing in college? Are you in college? I remember you wanted to do cosmetology. I don't remember when that was, or if you still did. I'm sorry. You used to say you ****** at math and science, I hope you didn't take those. Or, conversely, I hope you did and you aced them both this year. Can you take both? I don't know how college works there.

Here's a random creepy thing I guess. Dreamed about you pretty much every night since I met you, even when we weren't talking, were fighting, you thought I didn't care, or since I... well, I guess I blocked you at one point. Whatever the hell was wrong with me. How'd I dream about you? What capacity? I dunno. Nothing weird. Don't worry. You were just always there. At least I don't think anything weird. I don't know.

You pretty much always said you thought things would get 'bad' between us again. Guess they did. My fault, I know, don't worry. I've never been a good with people kind of person, never in touch with feelings, always a little on the angry side. Do you consider it bad between us? Or were you just thankful to get rid of me? Whoops, that came out a little weird. I hope you know what I mean.

I miss texting you.

Who are you anymore? What do you like, what's your passion, who do you love, who loves you, where do you live, have you travelled? Do you believe in God? Soul mates? Public health care? Jesus, sorry, too many questions. Probably don't deserve answers.

I'm sorry that there's no flow to this. No topic or whatever. I used to brag that English was my strong point, but I guess it's not, afterall. Or at least when it comes to you. Right now. It's 4 am. What the hell.

I can cook pretty good now. You should try some of my food some time. I make a pretty good chicken dinner. Winner winner.

You always knew what I would say. Always. Good or bad. Did you expect this? Did you expect it to come earlier, or later, or never? Where did you think I would end up? Did you ever want to talk to me? Miss me? Want to be friends, at least? Did you hate me, despise me, wish you never met me? I'd understand if that one was true.

Do you think we've changed? I feel like we're still the same people we have been. Somewhere. I feel like we adapt but the right environment brings out... the old settings? I don't know. Jesus, we were so off again on again! Even as friends. I swear, that Katy Perry song, Hot and Cold, so described us. Or at least me. But I think we were both a little off.

If your boyfriend (or girlfriend) is reading this they are probably confused and I am sorry. Why do they read your emails? Do you actually have a girlfriend?

I'm sorry that I'm annoying.

I know, I always apologized too much.

First time we ever talked on FB was 2012? Holy crap. 3 years ago. August 20th. We must've known each other for a long time before though... I mean, we lost track of each other for awhile. Or I did. I don't know if you ever expected to talk to me again.

Real talk for a second. These messages hurt my heart. For a lot of reasons. And I don't know how I got into them, so I'm sorry. It's like... going to your childhood home and remembering where you had your first birthday cake, and the first time you fell down the stairs. Except, it wasn't the first time. Because there were so many times before that. There's just no picture albums for them. I don't know what I'm saying. God, what does any of this even mean?!

What a waste of time for you to read this, I bet. I'm so sorry. I should've stopped before I even started. Am I even gonna send it? I don't know. I'm scared. You hate me? Nah, you don't care enough by now to hate me. Why do I keep circling that? How do you feel? That question, why's it matter? After all this time? I am insignificant. Billions of stars light up skies and fade away and nobody remembers, so why would you.

I live in so much mediocrity right now. Settlement after settlement after settlement. I am so scared.

'Always allow for error. Never be optimistic for you will be betrayed by your own fantasies.'

I'm not even sure what that means, but I feel like I've lived to it far too much.

What is going on?

4:14 am.

I put you through so much. And I am so ashamed. And I hate saying 'so much' because it makes me sound like I think I was soooo important. When I don't. I don't think that I was. And I don't think that anybody who is as mentally and emotionally exhausting as I have been should ever be considered a large facet of someone's life, important, etc.

And jesus, the fact that that outlook applies to me and how I've been hurts my heart so much.

I don't think I have an identity anymore. I need to find who I was. I've been defining myself by the people I've surrounded myself with (ugh), the place I live (ugh) and my work. Work is the only positive that I have had in life, and my new job, though well paying, is a drain on my emotions and my optimism. Forever settling for mediocrity. The second best lifestyle available. Of course, perhaps the best lifestyle isn't available. Or perhaps this is the best I can get. Maybe this isn't even close to the best I can get. I don't know. Life swallows me.

I am so sorry for coming back. I'm probably going to email you again. I'm sorry for that, too. I just need something. And seeing your email in my list, it felt like that was it. You don't have to respond, I guess. God, I wish you did, but I am so afraid.

I'm sorry.

There was a time when I would've done
Just about anything you asked
But I'm slowly getting older now
And I'm slowly learning from the past
Not all beautiful girls are saints
Not that you were either after all
I'd like to say that disappoints me
But it's been years and I knew all along

Darling I adore you
You put me to shame though

I've ventured and explored every line along your skin
And I'm not quite sure where upon you it is that I belong
But I have patience and I will redouble all of my efforts
I will take my time and care to find the home you give me

You manipulated me to an extent I didn't realize
And I still don't understand the reasoning for it
But thank God, that's a time that's long gone

One night can change a lot of things
And it's hard for me to explain
The connection you can make with someone
While you're tangled up in their legs

But seeing her eyes in the night
And just waking up to her breath
Was what made me let out a little sigh
While making me smile a bit too much

Last night we spent inside of her bed
Allowing us to forget the world outside
A connection stayed between our fingertips
While her legs were tangled up in mine

I don't know what's going on
But you're here and so am I
I know that you'll mention John
And it's going to bother me lots
But I just want my best friend
So I can keep you around now
I don't want to fall in love with you
Or not at the moment, at least

If I could keep these butterflies
Inside a mason jar
I'd keep them close to me
And release them
Each time I felt your heart

Maybe medication is the answer for me
I'm sure I'd like it a lot more
If you shoved pills down my throat daily
Than all of the words you put in my mouth

It's funny how I haven't seen you in a year
Yet I still feel the need to explain myself
As I regurgitate all of my fears
In the middle of the calmest night
While my eyes grow more tired
And seeing your pupils make mine dilate

I'm in a bad place right now, so I'd like to write an open letter to myself
But truth be told, I was never taught how to write one at all
I've never had a friend to mail my thoughts out to
In fact, I wouldn't even know what to say to myself at all

If you would, shave off my mane
And push me forth toward the sea
No longer a lion am I
But a gull of the flock that flees

Breathe into me the December air
Do what it takes to make me remember
You could just bring us back for a moment
Seconds could hold my heart in place
And your pale eyes could pierce my soul
By brushing off the dust that's settled

How many years will I be stuck
With this feeling like you're the only one
I'm left with pictures and memories
And you've left for school
And while you'll have a future
I'll wish my future was you
                 I brushed it off as being a kid
                 Love is infatuation instead
I'd like to think I know better now
Like feelings are real if you think they are
Almost like nobody can fill the void
I'm too young but too tired to try
I always have that phone in my hand
I could call you if I had the nerve again
                 But I've lost the idea that I had
                 I know that I don't stand a chance
I can't find out how to move on
And the more I try, I feel worse
But holding on feels so pathetic
Childish, immature and destructive
Something pulls at me inside
The longer I wait to fight this off
                 It's almost like I want this
                 You fill a void without taking part
How many years could I be stuck
With this feeling like you're the only one
Because it feels better to think that I've found you
Than having to continue to look
This attachment bears so many issues
Yet, it somehow just makes me whole

There's a difficulty in finding yourself
Especially at a young age
And I think that the problem stems
From being lost in the first place
Replacing a soul is troublesome
It will pull upon your frailty
And then call upon your love
Before society takes back your heart
In the span of just a decade
We've all helped produce a shell
We now live in a world that is empty
It's also quite void of help

Guilt isn't something you get rid of
I know you're feeling the weight right now
You can try different ways to forget
Ask your memories to not make a sound

You can bury me in the backyard
So that you can't see my face fall off
Just know that you have killed me
And my agony doesn't stop

Time seperates more than you'd imagine
I'd swear every day feels like a mile
We've become out of touch now and
You're out of my reach yet again
When all that I ever wanted was your hand
Time allowed me to have it only once
But you'd be mine, I could see through my eyes
I could imagine it for that moment
And I imagine that moment in daydreams
Infinite hearts crossed in my head
Our lives played out like campy broadway shows
But daydreams are nightmares in waking hours
The pain of lucid moments like grasping empty space
The cup will fall, the water spill
It's stepping on glass just to breathe
I have years of memories to draw upon
Times spanning distances that'd bring us closer
But memories are like looking through a telescope
So time seperates more than you can imagine

didn't you ever know what it was like
to be just so sad and lonesome
like touching your face was another stroke
on the wrong key of a broken old piano

there are those who'd understand
the thoughts running through your head
but there are those who'd soon forget
cause it's too hard to try and help

so you'll feel like you're the wrong one
for anybody else to love
cause wasting their time is so wrong
when there's better things to be done

and you'll push them away at once
then you'll bleed a little blood
cause why leave a mark on the world
when you could leave another scar

but soon enough it'll be too much
and they'll say it was so ****** sad
that you were always so hopeful
why'd you go and do a thing like that

cause people miss even the quiet ones
it's your presence that comforted them most
but without a word of their approval
no way you'd get a word of your own

I'd forgotten for a little while
But it's hard not to miss
The simpleness and little things
Like the moments when we had kissed
It wasn't long and you were gone
But swing sets and certain songs
Remind me about who we are
And where we were right then
And if the best of days could be named
Then surely they'd be after you

There's a hole left in the sky
All because you're gone
Constellations have exploded
You've left the universe in parts
And loneliness collapses suns
But I wonder what it'd do
Instead, all to a son of man
When his sky's no longer blue

We've reduced ourselves to
Heart shakes and hand breaks
I mean;
We're all reduced to
Hand shakes and heart breaks

I have scars and yeah
They all have their stories
Written scripts to heavy plays
With plot lines I can't share yet
So my mind's like an
Alberta rainy day
A longer expanse like a
Damp plateau or plain
Emotional highs are climbing like
A mountain range ready to drop from
This complex to extremes
But we can have happy moments
Without really being there
We all have our issues
And we work just to clear air
We all deal with them ourselves
Always in different ways
What's yours isn't mine, with
The dealings that words couldn't say
Like the heart's a grenade and
The pin can be a million subtle things
And the only broken heart I've had was
My fault with all my hopes and dreams
With built up emotions when I spared
Myself no lack of idealism
And if they say that drunk words
Are really just sober thoughts
Then in this life there's no place for
An inebriated heart
And while there's bruises on my back
From leaving problems out behind
I wouldn't accept any less than
Your scars and story lines
Because we're one of a kind with
The way that our mind would
Work through the times
And through writing and music
With George Watsky super verses
I've found my singular disability is
Over-thinking where my place is
But it's about time now
Where I'd work up to let go
'Cause I'm the only one to let down
When success is measured in gallons
So I put down the jugs and then
Expectations are the only
Exponential problems
And I know that I'll be fine

Eleven thousand years weighted heavy on his soul
The ancestor spirits keeping touch with the boy
As a protector, a stronger, of a world so cold
An angel by all rights, hidden far from his home
A runaway by nature, wanting to see better things
Paradise forever wasn't among his list of dreams
Wings open, eyes wide, casting out across the Earth
Hands would touch soil of bases, second, first
Each new sight, discovery of a different life
Imagining how he'd nurture, or maybe even fight
A strong athlete, a great warrior, or a guiding light
No possibility could escape his grasp, his sight
The stories in these books and movies brought him hope
Maybe one day, he could aspire to become a greater proof
That his life is a journey, a story to be told
But for now, he'll cradle fables deep inside his room

Tracing older memories with fingertips on pillows
Staring at the thought of her and refusing just to let go
Of eyes that could pierce any wall of clouds
And hands that could mould the life of a star
You remind me each time that we speak
That not everything has to go away
I'll always see the same old things
And that's what you bring to me

Memories will peek out from underneath of covers
Gazing at the time that's passed
And this is what you remind me of
Singular thoughts will never be foreboding
Staring at the blanket sky
Laying outside alone for once
Each light described just who you are
Each star helped build your constellation

Carving names in the side of trees
Running old movies in my head
The imbalance in all of nature was
That you and I weren't there
An empty patch of grass was left
And there it sat all alone
Each blade of grass held memories
A thousand moments to not remove

Reckless abandon carrying souls
To let go of the past, to just move forward
History is that, it's simply time passed
So remove all thoughts, remove the amassed
Let go of your problems and serenity's made
Now focus at once on the life that you lead
There's nothing to miss and nothing to change
You can't get time but you can find a new place
Set out, explore, and even engage
And your heart will trace the boundaries you make

I heard your voice call out
It was so faint
And it wanted help
With the problems it brought

Almost an echo
But still just a thought
You know what you need
Oh, you know what you've got

And they don't seem to work
No, they don't match up
So I can't help you there
But you can't give up

I just can't think straight
There's nothing to write
I know I wasn't great
But something's gotta give
My hands just won't move
Like my brain's feeling thin
But that's no excuse
I need something new