'michael'
I hear myself say
'are you really in love with her
or is it a realization that you're aging
and afraid of dying alone?'

I've never seen a grown man cry in my life
but that was the first.

9 glasses of gin and tonic on a ladies night
a slight tipsy
he gives me his **** eating smile
and i thought to myself
'why are all men thirsty dogs'
but that night i didnt care.

Sometimes I want to sing to someone.
I want to caress him.
I want to kiss him gently on his chest.
I want to bite his lips and laugh.
I want to feel him.

My conscience being violated by his
Heavy breaths
Back arching back
Lips quivering
Lines from a song trying to escape from my mouth
But he shuts me up with his lips
Like a missing puzzle piece to my mouth.
I want to sing to someone.

That night
That warm night.
He drove at a speed of 142km/h
Windows rolled down
And the wind carrying all
Our pointless words together with it out the window.

'Stop trying to chase Stars'
I say.

Maybe what turned me on was the air refreshner that hung in his car
Hoping his mom would not smell the traces
Of obvious dunhill Reds and jack Daniels.
Or The way he performed darkness on my skin
As thick as black ink That no jar could keep.
How about the hunger in his mouth,
That burning curiosity to push the edge of decency
And go for gold.
Or Perhaps it' was the gospel truth that what we were doing that night
Could be followed by disastrous consequences
And what was completely forbidden by our different religion
After all
he is Malay .

He had eyes concealed by  lashes that
Were like curtains
Hoping to hide his intentions .
His life is what you would call
A cerekarama.
Forbidden love between two rebels
Trying to break through the norms of societies standards.
Always drunk on the idea of love,
'Syaitan lives in my pants '
He would say to make an excuse for touching me and grinning
Hoping I'd be a sucker.

Oh and did I mention he was Malay?

My mind has always been an intricate maze.
It often feels  like
What do you call it?
That offspring of pasiphaë ?
Ah the
Minotaur.
Somewhat dwells in the deep dark shadows of my mind
Feeding on my misery and brewing hatred among the tiny neurons
Resulting me to feel numbness towards your affection.
Every minute the agony of feeling
It feeding
And consuming me
From within
Is pushing me towards the edge of falling into this insanity .