I’m all giggles and in love with you.

Last night
You bought me a new beanie because you thought I would like it and would keep me warm, plus you know how much I love them.
A Reese’s chocolate lava because they’re my favorite at the corner store you stop at.
To be loved is to be seen.
Last night you picked me up, high in the air, me giggling while you held me close to your chest high in the air.
We play wrestled and I giggled. I giggled. And I giggled.
Last night we spoke about my fears & you gave me reassurance.
Last night we had a slim jim war and I nearly died laughing.
Last night you taught me a wrestling move.
Last night you felt my heartbeat through my wrist and you rubbed it because my heart was beating so fast and you wanted to slow it down.
Last night I cried because how sweet you were saving all the notes I’ve written you and how close you held them to your heart.
How you carry me with you wherever you go.
Last night you danced with Maisie and I as we all laughed and smiled.
You’re a dream come true.
Thank you for last night.

I miss you.
I miss your smile.
I miss your laugh.
I miss your hugs.
I miss your kisses.
I miss you.
But you’re at work,
So I’ll see you soon.

I didn’t write much about those days, ******* in her cold words, to the pit of my stomach.
My anger pushing down further and further until I became a shell of a person.
I was helpless, but I had my own lighthouse.
Days felt like nights, cold;
Icy words, I’d **** them down like my straw to a perfect chocolate milkshake.
Cold, down to the pits of your stomach.
Years and years, until the ground shook and I spoke.
It wasn’t one specific moment in time but all the little moments, all the digs; all their faces, accusing.
All in a moments time, gone.
All the anger, all the rage slowly starting to disintegrate into nothing; I’m not saying it didn’t take some time.
From the warm weather to the leaves falling.
It wasn’t just me, you caused pain to.
It wasn’t just me, that had to heal.
You broke something that I’m incapable of repairing.
I hope everyday when you wake up, I’m in the back of your mind.
Every holiday, birthday, we will miss, because you broke it.

The leaves will fall, the seasons will change.
But I have my little family and I am free.

Parts of me are broken.
Parts of me are healing.
Parts of me are out of order.

Parts of me are hard where they used to be soft.
Parts of me are stronger.
Parts of me are soft, loving, and nurturing.

Parts of me are teaching.
Parts of me are learning.
Parts of me are growing.

Parts of me are kind.
Parts of me are angry.
Parts of me are beautiful.
Parts of me are vile

All the parts of me
As angry,
As ugly
As dark,
As kind
As beautiful
As imperfect,

All these parts of me,
As much, as they bother me,

I still get to be me, and I still get to be loved by you.

I hope every morning at 4am, when the world is dark and you crawl out of bed and you’re getting dressed or smoking a cigarette, you know you’re loved.
I hope everyday you know you’re appreciated and seen.
I hope that when a song comes on you think of me.
I hope you know you’re my moon in the darkest skies and my sunrise on a dewey morning.
I hope you know when you touch me, I melt.
Your sweet words follow me throughout my day.
I hope you know you take my breath away.
I hope you know you’re safe, you’re loved and that you’re cherished.
I hope.

I forgot how it felt to hold a paperback in your hands, the smooth cover and the weight held in your hands, that book smell.
The crisp pages you turn, with each breath soaking in the words forming a story that only you can hear.
It’s almost like it just melts in your hands sending vibrations through you, jolting you gently as you curl up under a warm blanket with a cup of tea and you think to yourself, “this is so good”, aching for the next word, hanging on to what happens next; but you feel a calmness as you find yourself comforted by each page and by the end you experience every emotion, because the journey has ended, but your left with the thought of those words, on those crisp pages.
Paperback.

“I
   Was
     Broken
        To
        Protect you
            And you were broken to understand me”

“You're silly, you’re cute, you’re annoying”
“You don’t like me?”
“That’s not what I said,  I LIKE YOU”
Giggles and smiles.

-Watching Star Wars-

“Were you sad when Liam Neeson died?”
“That ******* died?”
“No in the movie silly”
As we talked about how he became one with the universe, force
I giggled until I was snorting.


You’re asleep.
You are laying next to me, you’re so beautifully masculine; your hair brushed against the pillow.
I love days with you, but at nighttime when the world is quiet, from your hair to your arms, your warmth, your heartbeat. I could lay here and say that every moment led me to that high, that need for your touch,
And for who you are, every breath I have in your presence is a breath not wasted.
You are my every heartbeat, you are my joy, you’re my peace and my light, darkness when you need to be, but with you I’ll always be safe, you will always be my home.

Everyday with you is a dream.
Today you made me laugh so hard I cried.
You looked into my eyes and sang to me.
We talked for hours.
Everyday with you is a dream,
Today I giggled yelling “come get me” and I ran across the house, hid in the corner giggling, giggling so loud, you found me and of course that was my plan.
You came over saying how did you fit in there?
Giggling the whole time and cracking jokes about it all.
You give me this feeling like there’s no way any of this could be real, a dream come true, like a fairy tale.
All of us laughing, I know this can’t be real.
You’re home.
I swear, everyday with you is a dream.

Speak of the devil, I once heard and when you entered the room it shook
And your darkness emerged with my light
Giving you a piece of the moon on the most black of nights.
A beast emerged and he smiled, there; weak and surrendered I became yours, for your darkness matched mine, for I had been seeking you for decades of eternities.
Your arm and mine, I touched you and you became my weakness, bound to you forever.
You are my dark sun, my beast, I soak you in and feel your warmth, on our beautiful island;
Where the water caresses the sand, the water being the clearest blue, my favorite place in the world, right next to you.
Speak of the devil.

Raindrops dripping on the roof.
Dim kitchen light.
A candle lit.
Tv quiet, white noise.
The air conditioner blowing, cool air.
You’re sound asleep, my heart full from laughing and almost falling over, the most euphoric - heartwarming feeling and I’ve never felt it, I never felt that bolt of electricity that jolts you full of joy, smiling and high off each other.
Dr. Seuss book, giggling and bedtime, growing up so fast, I can’t believe you’re 7.
Calm.
Quiet house:
Peace.
I’m home.

I would follow you into madness, for you are my moon. You are the dim light, pulling me out of the abyss.

Blue eyes, I’m lost in.
Under your trance.
I’ll follow you anywhere,
Chills fill my body, can feel my heartbeat
Bound to you, wrapped around your finger
Forever yours, forever lost in your blue eyes.

Little thoughts floating like cute fluffy clouds, space and time and ****, gone,
Sometimes it starts to rain, and things speed up, whirlwinds, disasters and I’m running away from it or even to it for that matter.
I’m the tornado, it swirls inside of me.
I can’t stop it.
I can’t control it.
The world is so fast and it’s faster than my tornado, I can’t slow it down.
When I try, it’s like standing in hyper speed.
I am lost.
Inside of me inside of it.
I’m dizzy. I’m tired.
Just slow down a little bit.
Just for me to catch up.
I’m the tornado.
I miss the fluffy clouds.
Everything is fast.
Little thoughts.

I am a Chameleon.
Floating through the atmosphere, ever changing personalities.
I can’t stick to one version because there are so many.
Different parts and aspects of the ever changing me.
Through time and space, which version is the real me?
Instead of adaptations and molded parts of clay, glued to me.
But with you, I think this is the real me.
The most authentic version, I’ve ever seen.
Thank you for loving me.

I find parts of you climbing into me.
Your touch is all I crave; you’re all I see.
When I’m broken, you come and fix me.

When the lights go out, and the darkness succumbs, I can feel your breath on my skin.
I breathe you in, you’re my oxygen.

You’re the moonlight, in my darkness.
Your wings wrapped around me, when I’m cold and damp from the storm; when the waves have carried me under, you pick me up and say that I’m yours.

You’re my protector, I’m always yours to keep.
You’re my Captain, my lighthouse, I’ll follow you anywhere.

I’ll love you forever. Each and every day.
You always find a way to steal my breath away.
Your words and your touch is all I need.
So please tell me I’m always yours to keep.

I’m bound to you forever.
My heart is yours.
I’ll sail with you forever, until we find our shore.

I fell into a well.
I tried the best I could to scream and yell.
I tried to grab the sides to climb back up, but there I had no such luck.
“What the ****, what the ****** ******* ****”
Stuck in the muck, trapped in my little hell hole, and for sure; I know I shall die down here.
It’s wet and I’m cold.
I’m shaking.
What can I do? Nothing, nothing, nothing.
I find myself lost, trapped in emptiness.
I’m cold and I’m lost, no one shall ever find me here.
Here in this rocky well, with my blood smeared from climbing on the sides here.
No one will ever know I’m here.
But where is here if you dare to ask.
All I have left is this small flask.
My heart it bled, when I fell down this well, but as you may not know, it’s not a real well.
It might as well be, with a hole this deep, that pulls me back and won’t leave me be.
This ache in my soul, it follows me.
It follows me in the depths of the darkness in my mind.
I try to climb.
I try to get out but I’m lost here, in the shadows of the dark.
My skin becomes wet, my heart feels hollow, melting into nothing with these empty shadows.
“Pull me out! I scream
But no one can hear.
So I linger.
I wait, until the ladder appears.
Your hand reaches out to me and I climb.
Every time I fall in, you somehow find me.
You always try to save me, but somehow I’ll always find myself, back in the well.

Fall in love with someone who makes you smile every morning, with either breakfast in bed or a sweet good morning text.
Fall in love with someone who makes you feel confident, protected and secure; someone who isn’t afraid to stand up for you, who isn’t afraid to hurt other people’s feelings in order to protect yours.
Fall in love with their soul, what broke their heart, their past, their goals, ambitions, dreams.
Fall in love with someone who makes your heart skip a beat, who lights a spark in you, someone who makes you feel as though you could fly.
Fall in love with their darkness. Do their demons play with yours? Do your souls dance in the night? Can they intertwine in only a dance to a song no one else can hear?
Fall in love with their eyes, the way their laugh makes you melt and their happiness fills you with joy. The little moments together, the laughs and the cuddling, running fingers through their hair, laughing together in the shower.
Fall in love, because once you do, you’re changed forever.

Give your tears to the ocean below.
Jump off a cliff, swing into your tears; splashing in the sunset standing in awe the beauty of the sky.
Come away with me, we are safe here, my darling. Dance under the moon with me, kiss me under the stars. You dance with me in the rain, you spin me around, your lips touching mine.
For you’re my sun, moon and stars.
Come away with me, my love.

Why are there cats everywhere?
Cats here, cats there.
Cats with wings, cats with lots of hair.
Airplanes and trains.
These cats are the pilot, they are in control.
Oh no what should we do before these cats try to take our souls.
Dearest, Dearest Cat lady,
What should we do? Hundreds of cats everywhere.
Swinging from the ceiling.
Sometimes, sometimes why?
Old lady can't shake the feeling.
Sweep, sweep, broom.
Enter these fumes.
Save the little kitties.
They are such cuties.
Love, love, lovely love.
One, two, three, four beautiful kittens--
Go out the door.
Life is grand- enter the kitten land.
Through the door into this place, where it's all safe.
Swimming, swimming, everyone's swimming.
Everything is okay, everyone is happy.
You have saved the kittens, miss cat lady.
You have led the kittens to safety.

Blood dripped; everywhere.
*******; shouts were heard.
Answer the phone; Dad runs to see.
I was 6.
That man scared me.
Lock all the windows; lock all the doors.
Just to be safe; we are always scared now.
Trial after trial; hearing after hearing.
Grandma can't forgive him; killed on her birthday.
Dad feels hurt; But I don't remember, really what happened then, then in September.
I remember getting a present.
Was it 1997 or 1998,
When my dad's heart broke into shades;
Shades of heavy black,
Blue, silver, white; stone.
Mom was on the stand.
She talked about me.
I barely remember any of this except from what she told me.
Who would do that?
Take a life;
For an insurance policy.
That isn't right.
Oh you thought you could get away with it?
You thought wrong.
Mister Wayne Kubsch.
I hope you cry when they sing your song.

Walking through a forest,
I'm stepping onto this dirt and tree branches.
I hear a sound I look around.
What is happening to me?
These forest walls are spinning.
I know forests' don't have walls.
But I find myself out of the forest and into a dream.
Why are they doing CPR on me?
Why am I screaming?
But my voice fades and I’m looking at you.
And wanting you to save me, as my health starts to fade.
I'm in a hospital bed.
I have tried so many times, the pain would eat me.
Like they loved me, like they tried to grab me.
My insides were sliced open.
Violins playing, screeching.
“Don't let me die without you.” I scream.
While these demons try to drag me down under with them.
Past lives, like Indians around a fire.
I'll explode, I'll retire.
My body giving out, just catch me; It'll be fine.
Don't let them bury me down under;
What if I wake up and I can't stop breathing?
What if I scream and can't claw my way out in this coffin?
My darkened soul, eating me alive.
I know I'm evil.
She told me before.
Drowning out my sorrows, imagine your smile.
Do you think the crows will stay away for a while.
The man in the cemetery;
The priest; and the boat.
You know these kind of things, they never sugar coat.
So drown this type of pity.
Falling in blue night skies.
These drugs making me fall deeper in a trance.
So I lie there imagining you in your khaki pants.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Be-beep.
I wake up.
There you are.
Hospital walls.
Your hand.
My hand.
There you are;
With your hand in mine,
This whole time.

It’s cold outside in the weather tonight.
I’m out of my self and the fear inside
Will take over, over my flesh.
I don’t know how long it will be til’ I have nothing left.
I fall asleep, I wake, I dream;
Until there will be another peace;
Until my soul will fall at ease
I sleep, I wake, for you I long my soul to take.
For this man has pleasured my hauntings.
And until dawn I will stay awake
For you I long “TAKE IT.”

Fall asleep my darling and close your eyes.
As I turn off the lights, sleep deeply
For I shall invade your dreams, as you did mine.

For these hauntings are real, and did you feel anything?
As I slept, I had awoken with a simple haunting.

It wasn’t me, it was you
Now you must come and “FACE YOUR DOOM.”
As a microphone, and a man’s deep voice
Loud and rusty, trust me.
This is what you’ve been wanting, “FEAR ME.”

You have done what you’ve decided, now watch.
Remmy, boy what have you done?
Have you taken my life, and watched it fall to pieces?

Take my hand, we’ll travel the moon
And hopefully we’ll get there soon.

Dark alleys, cold valleys,
With mud dirt and snow.
Your body I drag, as flashes turn to slashes in my mind.

I just sit, pause and cry, your body it waits,
for its meaningless escape.

I see your head, from toe to face.
As I long for rest, I lie on your chest
You hold my hand, and you died in my arms
And you could have guessed, I did love him so
But the heart problem, I may have caused him
I just need you to know, I did not grow up,
I stayed the same and for that, I am the one to blame.
That boy his funeral, a quarter til’ ten
And there he lay in a coffin, his death was my fault.
So as they enter him into the ground, I cry and sob without a sound.

I miss him dearly and reminisce
How I lied there still, on his chest.
With his red shirt on, and his dark blue jeans, is it what it seems
Its just like, Romeo and Juliet and here comes the best part yet.

So I lay in my bedroom, quiet as a mouse
And I didn’t make a peep in this empty house.
I have nothing left, as my blood drips,
From the bedpost to the floor, I cry and sob no more.

There lay my body, right beside his, and a quarter til’ ten
The funeral was mine, they throw in their pennies, and their dimes.
Into the fountain,the pit the coins lay.
And they missed us on that day.

He took my hand,and we danced around the trees
Remmy and I, we lie under sunsets and shadows of trees, an outlined shape of Remmy,
And one of me and some days we’d pull the leaves right off of trees,
Because here it was winter, spring, fall and summer.
There were different rooms and different season,
For Remmy and I to be pleased in.

So, this pond we had, right by the trees,
In this room the bees didn’t sting,
I ran from Remmy, as he chased me,books fell from the sky they were history.
As the sun went down, when we held each other as we fell asleep
We slept, we dreamed.
And that was the day the scars fell off my face.

The day the scars fell off of my face, we loved more and we changed.
The love we had, just wouldn’t go away
As on earth, the anger would take hold of me
My insides would burst out and **** me,
My veins would bleed out my insides.
And sometimes I would try and try, but the stress built up
And as you died in my arms
Maybe this was, why I was alarmed.
So I take this noose,and i hang as I try.
Remmy holds my hand, and watches me as I fly.

I fell.
I fell deep in the ocean.
The waves carried me.
Further and further down.
I wanted to scream.
But the water fell through my throat.
So I couldn't scream, I couldn't breathe.
So,
As I began to dream.
I dreamt of swimming to shore;
That's what I did.
But I wasn't really inside the belly of the ocean.
I was here with you.
Inside,
An empty house,
Alone.
But you followed me that day, throughout the pain;
Throughout the grey.
I saw it.
I was still drowning but saw it clearly.
A house by a tree;
Apples on the ground.
But the sun had faded,
Faded, faded, faded to grey.
You kept your distance,
But I had to sit by that tree.
And eat an apple, just to see.
The sky turned black.
Because of the night.
The sky turned grey, because of the white.
The white and black TV that would lay in the house.
Purple curtains;
A dead mouse.
A creaking floor.
Shutters white.
I fell asleep on that sofa late during the night.
You whispered my name.
You followed me in my dreams.
But you know, nothing is ever what it seems.
You watched me sleep.
Again I heard my name.
But still I slept until the light of the day.
But you still sat there;
Watching me lie.
Hidden in the shadows of the house you were.

I stayed in the house; I ate from the tree.
But yet, you still followed me.
Do you still love me?
Or is this a dream?
I thought I saw you.
Somewhere,
In my dreams,
Outside the house,
By the tree.

I find myself walking, wondering where I am.
It feels like a dream, the road is a distant feeling on my shoes.
Tiny little rocks that make me trip over myself.

The grass isn't green.
It's black.
Everywhere I turn the colors are black, or they are white.
So I keep walking.

I don't see anyone.
I don't hear any birds and I don't see any cars.
I find myself questioning if this is all a dream.
But then I see him.
It, whatever it is.
A man in a suit, a hooded figure.
He looks down, staring.
I don't know who he is and I wonder why he is the only one around.

He looks up at me as I walk closer.
I start to hear the sounds, like I'm at a carnival.
My heart skips beats, and not the way you'd want it to.
He stares into my eyes, and his eyes are grey.
But his body just black, darkness.

He puts his hands on my shoulders, and looks into me, just searching.
He buries his hand into my chest and rips out my heart.
I lie there lifeless.
He throws my heart into himself.
He picks me up and drags me with one arm.
He walks and there I am, nothing.
He walks for miles and miles until we reach our destination.
He throws me on the pile of bodies, and then I realize, I'm dead.
I'm dead on a pile of the rest of the world.

Here I am in an empty room.
Cement floor, staring at you.
It isn't really you, just a television screen.
Is this all real or just a dream?
White screen, a fuzzy white screen,
Staring at you, staring at me.
Television as a face, on top of your body.
I stare at you, as you stare at me.

The walls start to melt.
The floor begins to shake.
Feels like an earthquake.
There's nothing to grab, grass grows under my feet.
It changes into the woods, the forest is where we meet.

I stare at you, as you stare at me.
Your body and your face a television screen.
Nobody's talking but then I see, on this white screen, showing all our memories.
Hide me into you, take me where you go.
Let's climb this tree right here, your hold on me, you won't let me.

White screens everywhere, they fall from the sky.
This is just a mindset, birds they fly.
They start to fall as their screams shake the dirt.
Nothing is what it seems, my heart starts to hurt.
I fall to my knees.
My body turns white.
Snow begins to fall.
Blood from my eyes.

I can't stare at you, but you can stare at me.

I wake up in a hospital bed.
This was all a dream.

How do you become something you hate?
You stand, looking at your reflection every morning.
“Here I am, again.” You think to yourself.
Standing there, picking at the little flaws you hate.
We are our own worst enemy.
We see things in ourselves that we despise, when others see them as little minor details that make us “cute” and they like us as a whole, as a person, and to them that little minor thing doesn't bother them because they just see us in a way we can't see ourselves.
Sometimes you just have to take the way you view yourself, flip it upside down and turn it inside out and turn it sideways, because that is the only way we will be able to see ourselves in another light, in another form and changing the same routine that makes us think we are nothing, and being another way would be better.
Flaws make us human, and we always want to change, to be perfect.

The little things are what make us fall in love.
They make us different because perfection doesn't exist, and if it did we'd be boring.

Spiraling down a black hole.
I am a tornado.
I am a gust of wind.
Falling into this dark place and coming up for air again.
Bones crackling, muscles spasms.
I fly in every direction, involuntary movements.
I shake. I want to scream. I want to die.
I feel like a contortionist, movements like a puppet, twisting and turning.
My mind, utter silence unable to scream.
I fall into a dark little hole, no one can find me- except you.
You pull me out, with your touch, with your words.
I need you, I need you to help me breathe again.
I need you to make it stop.
Tremors in my hands; a twitching shoulder.
Your voice calms me, I need you here.
I can’t walk. I feel like I’m dying.
I only feel okay, when you’re beside me.

Slipping,seeping,it pours out of me.
A black hole, i find myself sinking into.
I watch and i wait for you to pick me up and tell me everything will be okay.
Aim for perfection, I lost my direction;
I need your help.
The black hole, it opens up and it calls out to me.
I cover it up and seal it shut, maybe then it can't grab me.
I don't want to fall in again, black seeps through the cracks, trying to reach me.
If I love your darkness, but hate mine; what does that make me

You have beautiful black wings.
You wrap them around me, keeping me safe from harm.
Wherever I go, you’re here with me, protecting me from all the things I fear.
We walked down lonely roads with no lights, attacks from left to right.
We didn’t know then what we knew now, that we would find each other.
The moment I saw you, I knew I would never want another.
Your beautiful black bat wings, wrapped around me keeping me safe and warm.
I melt into you, obeying your every command.
I’ll walk with you through fire, rain or sand.
Anything you say, I will do as long as I get to spend my life with you.

Stay here with me for a while, cuddled under blankets and you feel so warm.
Nuzzled into you, sound of the tv on.
Movies and laughter, the sound of your voice.
Laying here, you’ve become my safe place.
Walks outside, you make me laugh.
Hugs and kisses and a cigarette break, the air on my skin, hold me close, you’re my favorite person.
Your hands wrapped around mine, our fingers intertwined.
Back in bed,
I hear your heartbeat, I listen to it beat; it slows down I can hear you breathe.
Falling asleep in your arms, my favorite dream.
I miss you, I wish you were here with me.
Stay here, stay here  with me a while, cuddled under blankets…
I can feel your warmth.

I’ve completely fallen into you.
Your eyes are beautiful, the perfect shade of blue.
My skies were grey, before I met you.
Your touch makes me melt, and you always make me smile.

You’re an orange and yellow sunset, and you’re  beautiful like the moon.
I miss holding your hand, and kissing you too.
I dream of being in your arms, whenever you’re away.
I want to mend your heart, and kiss away all your pain.
So here I am, thinking of you

I can’t wait to see you soon.

There I was dancing, my arms stretched out wide.
It was a beautiful sight.
The hot sun glowing its reflection on the grass.
Everything beautiful just fades, and I remember thinking that but in the moment, I just didn't care.
The wind struck my face and my hair began to run in circles, it went everywhere.
The grass changed colors, it faded to a pink lemonade.
People began to run towards me, but I didn't hear a sound.
They began to run into the pink fields.
I don't remember how I got there, I just knew I was there.
Music playing, with lots of children playing and dancing.
It sure was a sight.

How could we all know what could happen in these fields?
A hole began to open up and the dirt just shook with the ground.
The trees began to collapse, I could hear the sounds now.
Screaming, crying and reaching for each others hands.
A creature crawled out the dirt and bred into the now destroyed grass.
Many creatures crawling out hissing at the others.
There was no way of escaping, no path, no exit.
Watching all the children and their mothers and fathers die.
Watching everyone scream and question, “why, oh why”
They  bred and bred until the pink was dead.

All the happy thoughts I had died right then.
The creatures came and then my last dying breath,
I finally saw him, looked into his eyes
six heads.

There I stood, between the tall pillars
I looked up at the sky and it was the darkest it has been in a while.
I remembered his scent, the way it was when I slept.
The black wings carried me home, but I didn't understand where we were headed.
How could a place in all black, with wings brushing against the wind in the clouded skies be a place that could comfort me and heal my scars, take away all the emptiness?
I followed you, you carried me.
Where you walked, I went.
When you commanded, I obeyed.
My bones shook, and my legs gave out.
Here I was in the darkest place I could ever be and there was light, and it wasn't visible, but I could feel it.
So we flew.
Your wings, these black angelic wings taking me to a place, that I didn't even know existed, to a place that was so empty but to you it was normal.
I could see the depth in your eyes and in those eyes, they took me places.
How could a thing so beautiful be filled with such hate, such loneliness, such despair.
So I couldn't hold on, like my feet were shaking and the floor beneath me just crumbling, but it wasn't.
Just my insides bursting at the sight of how much I needed something so dark just to bring me light, just to make me feel, just to take me a place I could call home and I saw you.
When I saw you I just knew, that you were it.
Our monsters, our darks collided into equals and we called it beauty, we called it love.
I would spend every last moment loving you while you tore me open, while you changed details of who I was, while you'd take away the lights that would make me smile, the lights that would make me glow, and you'd make me what you wanted, and you did and you did it beautifully.
You're my dark angel.
You're the devil in my dreams.
You're my desperation.
You're the black wings that carry me home.

I lost myself in my own abyss, lost; searching for answers but didn’t know the questions.
I found myself spiraling, trapped in little particles and pieces.
I was lost, it’s cold and dark, in this hole I’ve sunk myself into.
I try to pull myself out and it drags me back, sinking it’s black fangs, drawing blood until I cry but when I look down at my skin… I see nothing.
It’s all in my mind.
I’m trapped in my abyss, who can pull me out??
I think I have to pull myself out and I’m afraid…that’s what scares me the most.

Oceans away, lies an island; A beach where the waves reach the sand.
I found peace there once.
The ocean felt so good on my skin.
The inner peace I felt, I craved it more and more; every sense of relief and every worry left my body.
Then something happened, I slipped and cut my foot.
My feet could touch the bottom so it wasn’t that deep.
The rock caught me off guard, I was pulled under, water filling my lungs; my organs turning against me.
I fought, pulling me under.

A beast, a blue beautiful monster grabbed me and pulled me by my shirt with his mouth.
I woke up, drenched, lying inside a cave; by a warm fire.
This man was a beast, with beautiful blue fur, staring at me.
I must have passed out, because he had been watching me sleep.
He was beautiful, sharp teeth and more animal than human.
He saved me, I almost died but he saved me.

Part 2.

i feel as if every ***** in my body is shutting down.
it’s hard to function, hard to cope.
just found out you passed and i cried every tear i had in me.
now i just feel numb, empty,
raw, completely beyond
keyword; depression.
wish i could hug you before you passed
i guess i will see you next time, in the next life.
for now i will just stay numb.

Part 1

Dream Silent Dreamer.
But dreams are not really silent are they?
I dream about a room; I dream about a place, where I am safe.
Safety is not an issue, where you are is it?
But really sir I just need to resolve this issue, I guess it is kind of *******.
I know, I know; this is not really how a poem is supposed to go.
But when I go through these dreams, I drift from room to place and
Place to room.
Float through the air, while you play with my hair;
You sit and you comb counting numbers and trees you wish you could see.
But down the street; children playing, this place, this place; this place is not safe.
But sir, sir what do you see, when you look into my eyes, when you stare at me?
But you tightly grip this fear, with whispers in my ear.
With a tight grip on my hand.
I show no fear, but secretly you do not know how scared I feel here.
So I am carried; I am asleep and I am awake; this hurts me, but should I say.
If I fight to leave you; will I be okay? Probably no; So, I will, just stay;
Too weak to fight anyway.

Part 2

I have butterflies in my stomach, I am no longer afraid.
My eyes have suffocated from the cold air.
I am here, with you. I have been clung to your arm.
I do not fight you, I belong with you.
You hold my hand; as the child within begins to climb out of my stomach and crawls out of my mouth. ;
As if it has left my body completely; I begin to shut these thoughts out.
You tell me you think I’m pretty.
As a half smile begins to cross my face.
But this pain, it glistens.
And it is beautiful in a way.

Part 3

My hope shatters like a rock thrown through glass; the sound of it breaking.
I have just realized you may have felt my hand shaking;
Your grip has tightened but suddenly loosens.
You open the car door and I slide in.
Seat belt on; you move to the other side of the car.
We are on the road and you give me a drink.
And next thing I know I have fallen asleep.
In the backseat, my hands are bound.
Lying down in the back seat, I do not make a sound.
I see you peer through the rear view mirror.
I go back to sleep.
As the music is blaring loud, I fade away from my old life now.
It isn’t as if I needed it anyway.

Part 4

Carried inside, can barely open my eyes;
I feel your grip tighten around my neck and thighs.
I know I will be okay, I know I will be alright.

Part 5

I see a room, eyes barely open
I squint them; to see clearer.
Where am I?
Lying on a mattress, cement walls.
These are here again; blankets in the corner;
And there’s a heater by the top window.

Part 6

The ceiling above me doesn’t feel so low anymore;
But this room feels so cold.
To be in your arms, is my dream.
I can no longer dream of flowers, or daises;
Because it has become so lonely here and I wonder when the next time you will be back;
In these glaciers; fire will burst.
I put the blanket tucked behind my shoulder, covering my knees and feet.
It seems as if my aching to be held has gotten the best of me.
The sound of silence; have been like bubbles popping and crawling in my skin like a disease.
I want to hear your footsteps; my heart skips; waiting, listening.
My arms, my hands feel like grazing for your touch, but instead I sink on this mattress on this cement floor, close my eyes.
I sleep like the dead.

Part 7

I see the sky and it’s full of darkness in my mind.
Reminiscing of my first love and the way it was back then.
I still wonder if this will ever end, like hurt and sorrow.
I don’t know if I can make it through another tomorrow.
I dream of angels.
I aim for your heart, and even though it is too soon to tell,
I highly doubt we will ever part.

Part 8

You use me but it’s okay.
Because I get to leave my room these days,
It seems pretty cold and gloomy out,
Even so, my heart,
Even though I can move about,
I eat with you but sometimes have to go back.
I get hugs sometimes, I feel loved sometimes.
Suppose, suppose, better than feeling empty I suppose.

Part 9

I want to be your secret.
I want to be your dream; I want to be in your heart.
And everything leads to me; I’ll hide in a room with a lock and a key.
I’ll hide out in the darkness, and when the light comes on.
You’ll hold me until I’m sleeping and;
As I am falling asleep you will read King or Nabokov to me.
But I’ll feel safe as I’m drifting to sleep, You can keep me close.;
And your grip will loosen. And I will drift asleep.

Part 10

I have learned how to make you smile.
You tell me jokes every once in a while.
Sometimes we talk and sometimes we are quiet.
We sit in the living room and watch TV.
Sometimes you hold me til we fall asleep.
But when you are at work I’m stuck in my room but I quietly wait until you come home.

Part 11

You keep using me, every day.
It sometimes hurts, but is sometimes okay.
Once it’s done, we start talking again.
But you know these things come back again.
But you don’t know, this is a masterpiece untold.
This is a masterpiece untold and somehow you have entered the sheets of gold where the heart turns to stone and his voice would make me weak.
I’d build this fort; I’d build it out of sheets.
This heart, this heart was made of gold.
But this heart was turned to stone when it was molded, formed into a shape and forced to feel something maybe it wasn’t meant to feel.
But who could have known; who could have known?
If I knew what’s real?
So I turned it around.
Now you hear the sound of my body crumbling down.
What to do when the sun shines, and I want to go outside.
I know everyone needs some light sometimes.
Can I close my eyes, can I shut my mind off?
Can you hold me until the time runs out?
Can you calm the darkness that storms in us;
Because the lightning is starting to shock us.
I know inside you want me happy to,
Cause you want me to stay with you.
It may be forever to.
But sometimes I am just going to fall,
And here you are staring, watching me crawl.
So here you are with your wings, but nothing is ever what it seems to mean.
So if I pretend this is all a dream and I wake up from my mind and see.
That the world isn’t all it should be.
Should I then close my eyes and go back to sleep.
Sleep to this world that has nothing for me.
Because the world’s heart is black and dusty.
But everyone doesn’t know that our hearts are rusting.

Part 12

So I’ll dream of another tomorrow, even though I didn’t know I could.
And I’ll live my life like I should,
Discovering all my hopes and dreams,
Not everything closes up at the seams.
Like dreams falling on empty and people’s trust withering.
But you keep me safe and sound, with no harm could be done in this place I stay now.
But if I had changed and done as I was going to say.
And I ran away, being forced to change.
Things would become different; they wouldn’t stay the same.

Part 13

This is the end.
This is the end, my friend.
This is where my masterpiece comes to end,
Where sheets of cold turn to gold, where do I see where my heart stands.
Follow me into the darkness; follow me into your mind, into your heart.
Come with me, you will see; how dark the monsters of our hearts can be.
Follow me, follow me.
This is the end you see, so.
Follow me.

You can find yourself again.
Don’t give up.

We stare at each other, just us two, all alone in this quiet room.
Paper thin walls, tv on, but all we do is sit and stare.
The cold fills the room, and I don’t mean the temperature.
The raw, the emptiness, the numb is all that floats through, filling out the spaces.
I look at her, and she looks at me; but I am her and she is me.

I can feel your touch, flowing through me.
The air on my breath, cold as the winter’s air.
I can’t explain it.
I feel cold, but I feel warm.
Drown me with your touch.
Pour into me your thoughts, your every desire.
Melt into me, soak me in your love.

Sometimes it burns,
The feeling of your heart when it’s hollow, when there is nothing.
It’s just wood, and it burns so easily.
It leaves you with nothing, just dried up pieces of what was there before.
It aches, and it can never be the same again, ever.
Do you know what it feels like to beg?
Do you know how it feels to be so completely desperate, you’d sell your soul?
You’d give up anything just for a touch.
It’s drugs, it’s flesh, it’s all heart.
That is how it feels, because I’ve felt it.
It damages the deepest, most vulnerable parts of who you are as a person.
It has the power to change you.
It has the power to mold you into something completely different from who you were, and what you started out as.
It changes you, and it is so easy, to.. just let it.
To form a person, as if they were clay it is so easy because I’ve let that happen and it hurts.
But to ache for something, to need it, to crave it.
That hurts too.