I'm actually not doing okay right now.
I haven't ate in days -
just the thought of food makes me feel sick,
it honestly disgusts me.
I don't really know what to do.
I can't seem to go a day without these thoughts in my mind -
self-harm
self-hate
I enjoy seeing myself hurt.
I daydream about these types of things -
the razor blades slashing at my ankles
the sizzling, scorched skin under my fingertips
It is so hard to fight these urges, these desires.
I am so angry with myself.
I cannot stand the thought of who I am.
I cannot even look in the mirror
without crying and screaming.
I truly believe these thoughts that roam around my head  -
"you're worthless"
"you deserve to die"
"**** yourself"
"you'll never be good enough"
"no one loves you"
"just give up"
"why are you still here"
I don't recognize myself anymore.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
Who am I?
What is wrong with me?
Please, I just need someone to hear me,
someone to help me.
I cannot conquer these demons alone.
I cannot keep living like this
and why should I?

I am worthy of love.

No matter what anyone says.
I deserve to be happy.
I deserve to be loved.
I deserved to be held.
I am allowed to cry.
I am allowed to have bad days.
I am allowed to live my life.

Let me live my life.
Don't try and stop me.
These decisions are mine
and mine alone to make.

Please.

It was dry and warm and rough to the touch,
long enough on me to reach below my knees.
It smelled of the sun and the sea.
The smell brings back loads of memories.
He loves me. He does not. Maybe?
When it was time for him to go,
his jacket was bestowed to me.
Where have you gone?
When are you coming back?
I walk around aimlessly,
still waiting for him to come home.
Father, Father.
I cannot see where you might be.

The heart beats a drum of its own.
It feels the music that resides within.
A steady rhythm of the toil on the inside.
The sound carries through the bones,
a constant throbbing mess of emotions.
Notes of a cord cascading down.
A single voice accompanies the lone piece.
Chest heaving sobs signifies a great relief.
This person is its own orchestra.
Unlike the rest, there is no audience.

When a stretched silence is surrounding
Do you understand
The unspoken words?
The unsurfaced cries?
The unseen pain?
If you cannot, you shouldn't expect to
understand them when they're heard.

Music flows from the instruments in hand,
From the students marching in the band.
Flutes, as gently as the breeze,
With their sound so sharp, like a high pitched sneeze.
Long black and elegant are the elements of a clarinet.
The sounds so smooth, makes you want to move.
Buzz, buzz, buzz, the saxophone does.
A reed in the woodwinds will bend.
It can break or chip, even cut your lip.
Shiny and loud, who drowns out the rest,
Trumpets are certainly not the best.
Deep, low noises the tuba cries;
It’s large and heavy, which makes it hard to carry.
French horn, trombone, euphonium.
Brass instruments overpopulate the crowd.
Their heads are always up in a cloud.
Drums beat in rhythm with cymbals who clash overhead.
Snares issue to start or halt the marchers, tempo sets their speed.
Thump, thump, thump, we’re done for the day.
Soon we’ll be off to another parade.

Flowers bloom,
flowers die.
Sometimes we smile,
sometimes we cry.
Time, it gives;
time, it takes.
Love is beautiful,
love is fake.
The world passes by;
We’re born.
We live.
We die.

From the weeds that grow so wild,
a flower blooms, so meek and mild.
It rises up, so strong and true,
and shows the world what it can do.

With petals soft and colors bright,
it stands out in the morning light.
A symbol of hope, a sign of grace,
it brings a smile to every face.

From the Earth, it draws it power.
A beauty born from weeds that flower.
It reaches high, towards the sun,
and shows the world what can be done.

With each passing day, it grows,
and its beauty only further showers.
A symbol of strength, a sign of peace,
it brings the world a sweet release.

From the weeds that grew before,
a flower blooms and so much more.
It shows us all that beauty lies
in the places we least expect to find.

Be happy?

That's easier said than done.
I cannot hide the overwhelming pain
coursing through my body at any given time.
I cannot paint a smile on my face
when I am out of hopeful colors.
I cannot just pretend to be happy
because it makes you feel uncomfortable
if I chose to have any other emotion
plastered on my face.
please do not tell me
how to feel
how to act
whom to be

Staring at your reflection
Pointing out your imperfections
Not smiling but riling yourself up
The thoughts inside your head
Should be good but instead...
There's a blade. It made things hard.
Now you're glancing at those imperfections
Instead of dancing with your reflection.
Your beauty is your “duty”
But you cut because you were called at mutt.
At a sound in the kitchen, you raise it up.
Did I mention?
You were never alone.
He called you amazing but instead, you were raising
The blade that made it through.
Who could of guessed, you?
With a shout and a holler
There's no doubt... You couldn't get out.
You are His, A beautiful creation,
Made from His mind eye.
No more torment, that’s dormant.

Happiness is somewhere.
I could show you, if you cared.
Your smiled is forced
and your lines are rehearsed.
Open up, not shut down.
You've gone too deep,
I'm afraid you'll drown.
The water is cold at the bottom,
even though it seems never to end.
What causes you from sleep?
If you cared, I could wake you
from your saddening mood.
Don't think me rude
but I think you could use a friend.

This is a synn.
Synns live in scary sculptures under spider webs in spooky science labs.
Synns eat sour strawberries, smoked sausages, and snapdragons.
Synns send smoke signals, stare at nothing in particular, stalk their prey, and swim in the sea.
Synns like to sing sad songs, to sit around campfires, and to grin at strangers with sharp smiles.
This synn scratched symbols on my arm.
It slings sharp objects at me and stands over me while I sleep.

feelings of drowning
with thoughts and images
pounding in my head
the steady stream
of words
“it’s okay”
“I’m fine”
“don’t worry”
no one knows
the urge to be dead
the better off
without me speech
can’t wrap it around their minds
you’re out of yours
and they’re wasting time
soon you’ll be gone
and once you go
there’s no coming back
no more
boohoos

Be aware

Of what is

Unacceptable and

Normalize saying no.

Do what is best for you

And know that it's not your

Responsibility to sacrifice

Yourself for others.

I am Marrisa, the disappointment.  
Descendant of the lost and broken,
The Mister of Mischief, the Mother of Mayhem.
Working hard every sunshining day
Just to be called unworthy.
I lock away the lively tears
That pour from my eyes;
Days set aside to let out the ugly cries.
I am a creation of unstoppable emotion.
I am the Master of Disguise;
You wouldn’t recognize the mess I hide.

You can't love someone
unless you love yourself?

I have never loved myself
but oh God, I loved him so much
I forgot what hating myself felt like.

go ahead
put me down
tell me i'm a good girl
who had a good life
promise me lies
like this wont hurt
that you'll see me again
wipe away my tears with a smile
as you coo me
into my final slumber
put me under
and don't bring me back
you said i was
a ***** after all
so matter of fact
at least now
i can find peace
in a place where
you cant treat me
like a dog

The concrete walkway is a masterpiece;
chalk lines of sunshine yellow, serene blue,
cotton candy pink and soft grass green;
a wonderful place where we drew.
But in the end, we are only
chalk lines drawn on concrete
meant to be washed away.
So for the time that I am given,
I am what I am.

I wish you could see what you’ve become,
and the damage you’ve left behind.
I wish you could see the pain that you’ve caused
and the conflict you created.
I wish you knew the pain that I felt
the moment you said goodbye, a second time.
But I’ll be sure this time, and I promise
that there won’t be a third.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
A third time won’t ever happen,
because I know for a fact you never loved me.
A snake with blue eyes and a twisted soul.
A miserable heart, and soon everyone will know.
I trusted you with my world and you shut it down.
But one day you’ll think of me,
when no one else is around.

growing up makes things dull
things aren't as fun anymore
they don't have the same feeling as they used to
almost as if when you were a kid
you were having the best high of your life
as it protects you from the real world
that is why when you grow up, life becomes dull
the high wears off and life becomes hard.. becomes real
you smoke to make you feel happy and protected
because now there is no protection
there is only you

We put on a mask to hide,
afriad of what people will find.
Fake smiles and truthful lies
continues the great disguise.
Our true pieces are hard to discover
like the emotions that never recover.
We lock ourselves inside the mind;
make a new cover to hide behind.
Laughs and songs play all night long.
Like a broken record we repeat
to try and miss our own defeat.
All it takes is a crack in the shield to know
we're nothing but a one man show.

"The next thing I was aware of was falling.
Around me, all that was familiar crumbled into dust.
And still I fell, tumbling on an endless journey to nowhere.
Then all was motionless and I was imprisoned in a void.
I had dropped to my knees, my head bowed, my wings broken and bleeding.
I couldn’t lift myself off the ground.
The light began to fade until a suffocating darkness surrounded me, so dense that when I held my hands before my face, I couldn’t make them out.
In this sepulchral world I was left alone.
I saw myself as the ultimate figure of shame, an angle fallen from grace.

A shadowy figure with blurred features was approaching.
At first my heart leapt with hope at the possibility that it might be someone come to rescue me.
But any hope was dashed away when I sensed instinctively that whatever it was should be feared.
Despite the pain in my limbs I crawled as far from it as possible.
I tried spreading my wings but they were too damaged to comply.
The figure was closer now and hovering above me.
Its features materialized just enough for me to see that the smile on its face was one of ownership.
There was nothing left to do but allow myself to be consumed by the shadows.
This was perdition. I was lost."

He started this problem,
with me becoming the luggage,
always dragging behind him.
After he’s finished, I’m in storage.
I was folded in a neat square
and shoved at the bottom.
He forgot I was still there,
a back up just in case.
I was zipped up in darkness.
No available moving space.
His games were a sickness,
no place left but for his fun.
It was a constant reminder
that his playing was done
and he wasn’t any kinder.
I fell into his trap and now
there was no fighting back.

You say you trust me but constantly spy on me
checking my location dozens of times a day
confronting me when every little movement doesn't add up
when I don't tell you exactly where I am
when I don't tell you my every single move
I can't breathe, I can't move
it feels like you're holding a pillow to my face
as I claw and kick at any limb I can catch
it's a battle between the two of us
seeing who will pass out first
who will give in and give up
You treat me as a child
even as we're both in our twenties
I don't need another deadbeat dad
telling me everything I'm doing wrong
nagging me for every decision I make
never believing in me,
criticizing every move I make
I don't need someone else
who is only proud to be seen with me
when it works best for them
acting like an overbearing mother
with a delinquent of a child
keeping me on a leash shorter than your temper
I am scared to make one wrong move
to finally rid myself
of this disease you call love

I am sorry for all the nights I spent crying, only blaming you
you were just the scape goat, it was the easiest thing to do

I am sorry for carving into you with dull blades,
but I couldn't stand thinking you were not beautiful.

I am sorry for punching you when I was so angry
by just the sight of you, the harmless pieces of flesh
seemed like the easiest fight, the only one I could win.

I am sorry for leaving you empty of nutrience,
pretending not to hear you plea, I thought if maybe
you starved a little, it might make me pretty.

I am sorry for keeping you hidden away,
locked under layers for no one to see,
I thought if your flesh was showing,
no one would like me for me.

I am sorry for calling you names, thinking if you felt small,
you'd be small too, loving you in all your glory
wasn't something I was capable to do.

I am sorry for stuffing you in tight spandex
because I was afraid of seeing your lines, I thought if
everything was smooth, it would make me feel fine.

I am sorry for slapping away people's hands when
they touched over your ruffled skin,
it's taken me awhile to learn how not to flinch.

I am sorry for all the time I've spent villainizing you,
every inch, every bump and mark -
you didn't deserve to only be loved on in the dark.

Forgive,
Marrisa

Instead of asking
"Is it worth it?"
We should be asking
"Am I worthy of it?"

You smile like you have nothing to lose.
You speak like you have nothing to hide.
You play like you have nothing to fear.
You love in a reckless way with questionable decisions.
You never gave up though, did you?
From that first “only fools fall in love” to the midnight calls
and crying girl, you didn’t shy away.
You spoke your mind and told her what she needed to hear, not what she wanted.
You were still there when there was no where to turn.
You kissed her with compassion and held her when life’s frustrations hit.
You taught her that not all guys are the same.
You taught her how to love and be loved.

One day
in the middle of class
while everyone was working
my eyes filled with tears
because I knew
they were thinking
about their work
or friends
but all I could think about
was how I’d much rather
be at the top of a building
about to jump

No one told me about this pain.
It's these emotions I am forced to contain.
These tears have fallen from my eyes like a steady rain.
Nothing can take back those nights I've cried
myself to sleep, my eyes never dried.
No one told me about this pain.
My feelings I cannot even explain.
To you, my heart was open wide.
I'm at the point where I feel nothing but shame
Because I thought you were going to be my guide.
You were supposed to take me so high,
bring me this peace that I could only try
to grasp in my small, defenseless hands.
If only I was warned about this pain.
With you is where I wanted to remain.
Now I have to continue on with a long stride,
where, in these endless tears, I slip and slide.
But these emotions I am forced to contain.
Please tell me our relationship was not in vain.
I hope to not regret having tried.
No one told me about this pain.
It's these emotions I am forced to contain.

Pain brings me back.
Every time I open my eyes it's to this anguish,
blinding me to all else.
It's the only thing that convinces me I'm still here.
Faces flash.
Hands hold me down.
None of it registers.
None of it sinks into me like the burning torment of my body.
The agony radiates through all of me.
The only thing I can do is surrender to the blanket of dark
where I feel nothing, see nothing.
Where even nightmares cannot find me.
Where I can cease to exist.

Obedience is not comfort.
You have to endure suffering
and know God does not waste your pain.
If God gave us all good days,
how would we learn from our mistakes?

There’s a field full of bloomed flowers
Who grow after spring showers
The bright colors in hues
have become my muse
I see yellow ones
Sunflowers I presume
Yellow like the sun
Shining bright upon the flowers of the field
Yellow, the color of happiness
The smiles and laughter as we went through
The rows of yellow hues
I see blue ones
Violets, maybe
Blue like the rain
Pouring down upon the flowers of the field
Blue like the color of sadness
In a world full of  heartbroken cries
Depression, looms
In the rows of blue hues
I see red ones
Roses that are thorned
Red like the stop sign
That adorns the field of flowers
It warns to stop to avoid injury
Red like the blood dripping
From the sharp thorns that puncture
In the rows of red hues
In a field of flowers, I do stay
Hoping and dreaming my day away
Is it a sunflower type groove?
Or are violets the move?
But here I am, stuck upon the red
My thoughts are gone, empty is my head
I’m trapped in the rows of the red rose
The red hues followed by black crows
Waiting for the chance to strike
In the field of flowers a dandelion grows
Maybe I’ll pick it and blow
Make a wish to escape the row
Of red hue that haunt me everywhere I go

She’s banged up,
mentally and emotionally,
literally and metaphorically,
but everyday she walks outside
with a smile on her face
because that’s who she is.

I had my life together, like a bird with its feathers.
Then I heard something very interesting…
I pursued it, not caring where it led.
It stopped my healing and I held my head.
Hearing it made me wish I was dead
The whispers of a hater opened the door.
I'm a disappointment, that's for sure.
But somehow I felt like I belonged a little more...
I knew what they were feeling and saw the cards they were dealing.
Instead of walking away, I decided to play.
Their smart remarks felt like sharp knife driven into my heart.
Tears made things worse.
I vowed that day never to let my eyes leak.
I didn’t want to seem weak.
I slammed the door shut, but I still hear the voices.
Please stop the noises, I can’t handle them anymore.

These walls that she built
were not meant to be destroyed.
The gate is sealed,
no longer able to be opened.
A heart hardened
by the words that were spoken.
Her checks were dampened
by the tears that never dried.
The happy appearance that showed
wouldn't be changed.
No one needed to know
what she had gone through.
Her lips were tightly closed
so these feelings would stay secured.
She stayed hidden away from the walls
afraid one day someone will come
and break down her barriers.

Forever.
Always.
That’s what you said.
But the moment
came and passed.
Tears.
Enough to swim through.
Lies.
“I’m fine.”
Enough to drown in.
Promises.
They seem to be made
just to be broken.
“Cry me a river.”
I did.
“Build a bridge.”
I did.
“Get over it.”
I can’t.
You’re the troll
under my bridge
forbidding passage.

Growing up, I was always told to cherish life.
Think of a candle flame;
It burns bright, but slowly dies out.
When it’s burning bright, it represents living life to its fullest.
Each flicker is an obstacle that is overcome.
In the end, the flame slowly wanes.
You have to make the most of what you have when it's the brightest.
You never know when the flame is going to be blown out.
Life is short, but it can also be beautiful.
It’s a symbol of hope.
Candle flames take away a small portion of darkness,
giving the slightest bit of illumination in the darkest of times.

You’d let yourself bleed a river
before you’d even let a drop
fall from someone else.
You did it for them and now
you’re trying to do it for me too.
Don’t you know?
You matter
just as much of the rest of us.
It’s okay that I’m hurting.
You don’t have to bandage me up.
Maybe I want to bleed too.

I have tried to pull him back in my mind.
I strive to remember his smile, his touch,
but he has faded from my memory.
I think I remember the blur of a kiss.
There is nothing left but his name
and a shifting recollection of tenderness.

Death isn't emptiness like you say it is;
emptiness is life without freedom.
Emptiness is living chained by fear,
fear of loss, of death.
We need to break those chains.
Break the chains of fear
and you break the chains that bind us to society.
You can lead others to freedom..
oh the things you can do..
the things you can make happen.
You have been given so much
but you set your sights so low.

Don't you just love when people say one thing
and don't mean it at all?
They set you up and let you fall.
They're just playing with your feelings
to leave your mind reeling.
And then messing up your emotions,
causing an unwanted commotion.
That's worse than a knife through the gut.
Because I mean I gotta live with that
but at least I'd die with the knife, right?