I've finally realized
that after the
multiple years,
we're playing a love game.
I want to run my hands over your rippled chest
Twist your caramel locks around my fingers
Kiss your lips
Feel your scruff on my cheeks.
You've taken my innocence
due to my
curiosity.
Have you realized that
we're playing a
love game?
Because you're the one
who started
it all.

Love has similarities with dreams.
They both
have power.
They can seize terrifying emotions
and deep instincts
and form into
images
that can haunt a person.

High school isn't what everyone said it would be.
It's not the time of your life.
It's not necessarily the worst either.
Teachers hold you accountable for every little detail.
You won't finish every assignment.
You won't be in love
when you believe you are.
You won't care if you get detention.
But there's always that one class that is the best out of your high school
experience.
It happens to be French.
There's a group of us
and we all sit in the two middle rows.
Two girls
three boys.
We're all fairly smart.
Four nerds,
one who is able to get by.
We laugh
and annoy each other.
Sarcastic arguments,
fake fights,
and loud voices.
We question the stupid things
we do.
Flinging pencils,
taking phones,
stealing papers
to help each other out.
We escalate to
tripping,
kicking,
flicking.
But as we tell others
who are
not in the
class,
they look at us like we're crazy.
Which we probably are.
They think we're abusive,
and that the teacher isn't in control,
and that we hate each other.
They're wrong, though.
I guess
it's probably
one of those
"You gotta be there"
things.
Because it really is.
While we do annoy and anger each other-
we have an odd friendship
that we don't even consider
a friendship.
We're classmates
who have fun
by being
stupid and obnoxious.
That is why French has topped every other class that was apart of my high school experience.

I think I drank
a tube of
Amortentia.
The most powerful love potion in the world.
Rumored to smell different to each person
by what they're attracted to.
Scents fill my nose.
Sunshine absorbed in your skin;
the smell of outdoors-
air, leaves, trees, grass;
soap used to wash away dirt and secrets;
laundry detergent to remove stains from your clothes;
minty toothpaste to whiten pearls;
and shampoo to remove oils from your wavy strands.
Sometimes a hint of chlorine from your shower's water tank.
The smells overpowers me and I float on scents
that seem to
get me high.
I think I drank
a tube of
Amortentia.

I turn my fan on
even though its
winter.
Just to freeze.
I wrap myself in a cocoon
of tied blankets
letting warmth seep into my skin.
Limbs press together shakingly
wishing for it to spread faster.
I want warmth
and comfort.
But I can't have those.
Maybe I'll wake up with them
But as of now,
late at night,
my mind flows
with possibilities
and responses
and ideas
and wishful daydreams
that will most likely never come true.
because I dream too big
and my brain has to process everything
on overdrive.

It's 11:19pm
The time is significant to you.
I want to call you up.
I want to see what you're doing.
It is now 11:20pm.
This time is significant to me.
I want to call you up
Only because you're the only
person I know
that would be awake.

Father,
forgive me,
for I have sinned.*
My skirt slides across the wood seat
of the confession booth.
I don't want him to ask where I've been
as I've been away.
I am back because these are worse.
I've laid my former confessions
to rest.
Father,
did you miss me?
He stays silent.
My throat clears.
I've been away, for awhile
He doesn't ask where I've been.
But I want him to know-
know that I've been gambling with
the devil.
Do you hear
those wedding bells,
Father?
I've been getting heavy with the devil.
Did you miss me Father?
Visuals of him biting his tongue
circle my head.
Father, don't
bless me
because I have sinned.
I'm a walking sin,
and Father knows this.

Did I disappoint you?
Did I let you down?
Did I see the ending before it had even began?
Did I know you'd win?
You disappointed me.
You let me down.
You say you saw the end before we had begun.
You knew you won
for me being blinded.
You took my heart
what once was mine.
You've kissed these lips
and held my hand.
We've shared dreams,
slept side by side.
We know each other well.
Memorized every detail,
even smell.
You've seen me cry,
saw my smile,
even watched me sleep.
And while it may be over,
I'll always care
and be here for you.
I'm a dreamer
and it's my dreams you'll take
when I wake.
And when you move on,
remember me.
Remember us
and everything we used to be.

I swallowed the lump
in my throat
as I climbed into the passenger seat.
Are you sure this is what you want? There's no going back.
I nodded, ready to burst into tears.
She sighed.
I knew if I didn't do this,
I'd be more hurt
than I am now,
than I ever have been.
She turned the key to start the truck.
I watched as the building disappeared in the side mirror.
Why did she let me do this?
I wiped tears off my cheeks,
trails being stained.
Why am I doing this?
Why is she letting it happen?
She let me walk away from something I love.

When I'm bothered,
I've learned to
not look anyone in the eyes
and to
keep my mouth shut.
Because if I don't follow those lessons,
I break.
I crack.
Tears will spill from my eyes.
My throat will tighten
and constrict.
I can't have anyone see me break.
I do not break down these walls for people to see my weak side.
I am strong.
I am unbreakable.
So I tell myself.

It's too late now,
there's no turning around.
Whether I loved you or not-
I cared too much.
The hurt had rained all over me,
life seemed to pour out of my body.
You don't love me anymore,
even if you didn't love me at all.
We're at the point of no return-
not now.
Maybe one day
we'll be
meant to be
together.

I watch as his pen flicks up and out
many times.
He's sketching.
He never sketches.
He doesn't draw.
Something's up.
The scene comes to be
a landscape.
Tall grass,
thick trunks
from green trees,
a blue pond
with ripples
that spread
and dissipate.
A worn down
building
is hidden
in the background.
I imagine it to be red
with peeling paint.
This is the second day in a row.
Have you picked up a  new hobby?
Or are you bothered by something more
than you can express?
The paper comes to life before my eyes
as the drawing is so realistic
so detailed
so well drawn.

If I were to see
his icy blue eyes,
I'd know to run the other way.
He made me trust him.
He made me believe him.
I flew high-
way above cloud nine.
If I felt
warm, sweaty hands over my eyes,
I'd know it was him.
To scream ****** ******
would be an understatement.
He used to scratch my head
as if I were his sister.
If I heard
his voice,
I'd whip around
ready to bolt.
I'd know to stay away,
as far as possible
like a fish to a shark.
I'd hope you'd have enough
common sense to
dive underground before anything got physical
because you really hurt me.

I'm done fighting with you today.*
He clears his throat and looks to the ground,
Whatever, go hang out with your boy toy.
I huff out a breath.
Excuse me?
He looks up.
Luke! Go hang out with him, since you guys are so intrigued with each other!
I scoff.
Well, I'm not going to show any interest for a guy that is rude and acts as if he doesn't care! Whether he does or not!
I don't show it because you already know!
I grow angrier.
*I don't know it, I infer it! I won't know unless you say something!

Your stare is empty
as you look through me.
I remember when I said
"And I don't wanna go home right now because I don't wanna miss you tonight."
But now,
I think
Don't speak as I try to leave or I'll fall right back to you.
I want to tell you,
"Please know this isn't your fault."
We both know this isn't good for us.
And we both know what we'll choose.
I see you fading away as each day continues.
We walk along and refuse to make amends.
Because you pull and I push my way back to you.
I see my dreams divided and broken that I wish on over and over, sparkling in the night sky.
Only because you don't want me to see you break.
I tell you
"Don't speak as I try to leave,"
as I turn away
Cause we both know how this ends,
but it was worth it every time.

He tangles his fingers in with mine. The clouds above shifted.
                   Do you love me?
I play with his fingers. Stretching them out, comparing his to mine. I bite a thin layer of skin inside my cheek.
                    No. I don't.
He looks away and sighs at the slate blue sky.
                                                        ~~~~
I rub my hands on the back of my thighs, trying to calm down. What had I done?
He stands in line at Sbarro. Only I would run into him here. I lood around the food court, trying to find someone else to focus on. It'd been almost two months and I was the one falling apart. I stand to leave, failing on trying to find someone.
I push in my chair and try to walk out the door casually, but he ends up in front of me. He passed me as if I was a stranger, but we both knew I wasn't. We both knew that he saw me.
Before I can stop myself and head to my truck, I call out his name. He turns and looks at me without saying anything. I stare, unable to speak now. He turns back, going to his car.
I follow. Just as he sets his sack and cup on the roof, I yell out.
                   I was lying to myself!
He looks up at me.
                 What?
I rub my lips together.
                  When I said I didn't love you, I didn't mean it. I was lying to myself. I've lost a part of me. Now I have no one to lean on to when things are tough. No one to talk to until the sun comes up. There's no one to take your place!
He looks away and clears his throat before facing me again.
                  I can't sleep at night because I'm thinking about you. I can't hear your voice, I can't touch your lips, I can't have you lying by my side. I was stupid, I was foolish, I was lying to myself.
He rounds the car to me. His breath is warm on my face.
                It's a little too late now.
I swallow the lump in my throat.
                  I'm just trying to figure out where the hell I went wrong.
A small smile, turns his lips up.
                You lied to yourself.
He kisses my forehead before leaving me standing in the winter air.

I wanna call him up on a cold September day
ask him to meet me at the swings,
Walk a block to every little kid's dream
the playground.
The one behind their rebuilt elementary school.
I lightly swing to and fro
watch as he pulls in and parks before a concrete bar.
Watch as he climbs out and
makes his way over to me.
To the swings.
Keys around his *******.
He looks up
meeting my eyes.
He watches as I slightly swing back and forth,
An arm hooks around the metal chain of the swing next to me.
His toes keep to the ground,
rocking his swing.
My legs swim in the autumn air as I'm pushed forward.
I get a chill as the cool air
bites into my skin
covered by a light jacket.
The smell of smoke,
burning leaves,
fills the air.
He doesn't understand
how he's all I ever wanted.

I want to tell you what I want.
I want to be brave.
I wonder how I've had the guts to do what I have
but not be brave enough to tell you what I want.
I want to tell you what I want.
I just don't know how to put everything I feel into words.
I feel you in my head,
in my heart.
I feel you causing
butterflies in my stomach,
heat rushing to my cheeks,
and a smile to be plastered to my face.
I want to tell you what I want,
so you can do the same.
But I know you won't.
You're the most unbelievably stubborn person I've ever met.
I have so many feelings,
that I want to say,
to let you know.
There's too many to put into words.
There's too many to make sense.
I want you to use your words.
I want you to tell me what you want.
I want you to tell me how you feel.

I want too many things.
But the only thing that matters to people are feelings and emotional crap.

Demons.
They are not what our eyes view them as.
I am an angel.
with sweet selfish dreams.
Sweet sinful dreams.
This is what
makes me in smile.
I smile at my sins.
Because sins make a demon.


Once upon a time,
a demon was an angel.

Because an angel with sweet selfless dreams
will fall for a demon with sweet sinful ones.