Truth be told
my life is a mystery
on a course to unfold
i do not know its meaning
and have yet to learn the being of myself
but it is imperative that i learn the deeper basis of reality
If i am to circumvent this ever-spreading void
The void separating existence from extinction

i like to think my intentions are pure
and that i understand the world
Thus make decisions that do not need
to lead to inner emotional warfare
But i know it is not so
so many things done are abhorrent and gruel
i anticipate the pain yet to be endured
points in life, of ever-present horror

It is truly a mystery
the answer is not known
for i do not have the right question
To end this speculatory heuristical navigation

You drive forth what has been driven before you.
You sit in the front seat
for half an inch.
Then the next successful combination overtakes you
and leaves you sitting on a bench.

So let me get this straight
i'm living out my faith?
Evolution equipped me with patterns
that are impossible to break?

They can be quite useful
for they really do help
to navigate this world
and continue building
what has already been made

Still..
all we have is the illusion of authority
for
.free-will could never be free.

It’s too expensive for the universe to manifest.
It would be impossible to change the pattern of all that energy
with just the impulse of a few thoughts
Imagine
Your brain with all those neurons
All those connections
All that information
All those algorithms embedded by selection
All those mechanisms, that created your body
All the baggage...
has been dragged through time since the dawn of life.

That honed pattern of existing
could not be broken and changed with simple thinking.
So with this in mind, i'm simply left here thinking.

When was the last time you cried when
an ant hive was ruined to put a new building in place?
When was the last time you cried when a rich coral reef
turned into a dead waste?
When did you last changed your behavior so that
the globe would stop heating?
.
After a wound, an adaptive system stars healing.
Its antifragility leads to a stronger being.
The World’s wound is caused by the disease called “Humanity”
The wound does not resemble a skillful, sterile cut of a surgeon
It’s more like a boiling vile of acid poured over one's back
leaving bare bones with denatured flesh dripping down the spine
Yet still even after our **** nature will once again repair itself
It will heal and allow another disruptive ecological breakthrough to happen
.
When did you last notice that we are just another species?
Not that different from ants, to which we had no compassion
When was the last time you played around with the prospect of annihilation?
This is all so stupid, sorry. I didn’t want to mention
We are insignificant animals ripe for extinction

Who says that you cannot achieve your wildest dreams?
That you cannot be who you want to be?
Ignore that nonsense and keep on going
…
The Truth of the matter is
that the matter you call ”I”
has its set limitations
Determined by nature
Impossible to overcome.
There is just the space in between
left to conquer
Nothing else can be done
But still (with very low probability)
you just might be the one!

I feel exposed.
my insides are crumpling up like a stricken peace of paper
it feels like something rotten is crawling from my bones to the skin.
is it my ego deflating, my confidence derailing?
No, it's just one of my depressive moods coming up to say hello
it wants to chat and is unwilling to go
like an unwelcome guest
a nuisance!
obscuring my attentions view
It's begging for notice
Does it have something useful to say?
Maybe I should listen
to the thought that cut so deep
I don’t know.
It could be just another random swing
but i think its more than that
Its my brain telling me i need to think
to do something different
to alter my ways
i need to continue evolving
changing and morphing
adapting the pattern
to fit what is needed.
...
think too much, think too deep
but i want to keep this flame -
to hurt me till i'm heeling
The old me has to die
a new one has to emerge
Birth is a painful process
as we both should already know.