I went to a party last night
with a man I only knew for five minutes
We didn't exchange names
we wanted to remain mysterious
We conversed with over 500 different strangers
all the while holding hands
We smoked some ****, got so drunk
our adrenaline was running fast
We pulled an all nighter dancing to music
we normally don't care for when we're sober
We were sweaty, hot, exhausted
and deeply attracted to each other
We made out in some random basement
but not once did he force *** on me
Instead we went to a park
and laid in some grass until five thirty in the morning
When the night was over and the sun came up
I vomited all over his lap
Instead of being a ****
he kindly held my hair back
We went to the nearest gas station
where he bought me water and some aspirin
It was then he asked me what my name was
so I told him
He took me home after breakfast at Denny's
I put my number into his phone
He thanked me for the unusual first date
I mentioned we should do it again soon
I laughed as I went into the house
letting him leave for his Mom's to go get our kids
I sat on the couch with a happy sigh
it was fun reliving the first date I had with my husband

When she left me six years ago
I was so angry at her
She was the first girl I ever confessed my feelings to
She was my first everything
I wanted nothing more than to make her happy
Yes I wanted to marry her one day
Yes I would have loved to have children with her
There was a lot I wanted to do with my life
However, I wanted her with me
I had no idea how she felt when it came to feeling stuck
If she needed time to think
I would have let her go
I wouldn't have held her back
If she wanted to leave
I would have gone with her
I would have never made her stay somewhere she didn't want to be
She should have known that
When she left
my whole world shattered
Seeing her again
it was as if I was given a second chance to be with her
All of those old feelings came back to me
I wanted nothing more than to hold her the way I used to
Then I was reminded of how much she hurt me
I meant what I said about still smelling her scent and hearing her voice
I never wanted her to drop dead
I wanted her to come back
I wanted her to include me into her plans
I wanted an explanation
Nothing makes sense without her
I should have given her a chance to explain
I was so angry at her
I'm angry at myself for still wanting her when I know she doesn't deserve me
I have never yelled at her until today
It killed me to do that
I love her so much
I always will
I ******* up
I should have let her tell her side of the story
Now she's gone again
There is nothing I can do to take back all of the awful things I said to her
There is nothing I can say or do to bring her back

I never meant to hurt him
I didn't plan to leave
I didn't plan anything then
I never thought about the consequences of my actions
If I stayed I would have ended up married young
Possibly divorced by now
I would have gotten pregnant with a child I didn't want
which would have left me stuck
It wouldn't have been the right choice for my life to stay
It wouldn't have been fair to him to make him settle
when he has so much to offer this world
I know I seem selfish
I know he thinks of me as heartless
I am not scared of love
I grew up
I can't just take risks and hope that I live happily ever after
Life doesn't work that way
I know I disgust him
I know I can never be forgiven
I should have been honest with him
but I didn't want to hurt him
A part of me will always love him
My feelings for him have not changed
I just needed to know if there was more for me out there
Turns out there is
I have found happiness and success in California
Yet none of it could ever fill the hole I have inside of my chest
from missing him so much
I ******* up
He's right
There is nothing I can do to fix the damage I have caused him

HIM: You come here after all of these years expecting me to take you back. You must be out of your f**ing mind

HER: I don't expect you to take me back. I came here to apologize.

HIM: Is that why you're really came here? To apologize? Or to rub your presence in my face?

HER: I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for leaving you.

HIM: Where was your apology six years ago? Where was it when you left in the middle of the night not even letting me know your plans? WE had plans. I loved you and you walked all over my feelings like I was a piece of garbage.

HER: I was young! I needed a chance to live and figure out what I wanted!

HIM: THEN WHY COULDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT!!!?? INSTEAD YOU LEFT! YOU JUST LEFT! Do you have any idea how much you destroyed me and then you come back here thinking an apology is going to fix things????

HER: I don't think an apology is going to fix anything. I just need a chance to explain...

HIM: Explain what? That you were in love with me and then out of the blue you changed your mind? You went from wanting to spend your life with me to laughing at me when I told you how I felt about you. I loved you. I wanted to give you the entire world and you spat in my face. I can't sleep at night because if I concentrate hard enough I can still smell you. I can't stand to be alone because when I am I hear your voice and it rings so loud in my ears it's enough to make me throw up. Seeing you the other day and seeing you now makes me want to do nothing but kiss you yet at the same time I want to tell you to drop dead but I can't do that because my ******* is still in love with you. I am deeply in love with you and always will be but I can't ever be with you again because I can't trust you. You ruined me. There is nothing you can do to fix what you did.

HER: I had no idea...

HIM: YES YOU DID! I told you everyday and I showed you everyday. Don't act like you didn't know how much I loved you. Don't use your fear of love as an excuse to act like some victim stuck in a love story that you ******* up by running away.

It has been six years since I have seen you
you are still perfection in my eyes
Running into you at the local grocery store
was such a sweet surprise
I came home for Christmas to see my family
they told me you had moved to Chicago
When I went to the deli section to get some ham
never in a million years did I think I would run into you
You looked at me with shock in your eyes
as if you had just seen a ghost
I knew what you were thinking though
I'm the girl that you used to know
I was the girl you fell in love with in high school
only to break your heart into pieces
When you told me your feelings that summer night in the rain
I told you to get over it
Then I went away
I didn't even say a word
I packed my stuff in the middle of the night
and left like the coward I was
I went to California to make something of myself
I didn't want a man to hold me down
I didn't want a ring on my finger or a baby on my hip
I wanted nothing but my freedom
Seeing you in that grocery story
with your soft eyes still in pain
I couldn't help but be consumed with guilt
as I thought of the biggest mistake I ever made
My mistake wasn't loving you
you were the best thing that ever happened to me
My mistake was hurting you
and walking away like we didn't mean anything

I find it really offensive when people tell me they worry about me because I don't have a man in my life
"Don't you get lonely?"
"Don't you want to meet your Prince Charming?"
"Don't you want to be happy?"
"Don't you want someone to share your life with?"
"You better get out there because you won't be young forever."
"You NEED a man."
Let me take a moment to answer those questions

Yes I get lonely
That is why God gave us friends so we have someone to call when we get lonely

No I don't want to meet my Prince Charming
I am my own Prince Charming
I am strong enough to handle my own problems
I don't need a man cleaning up my messes

Who said I wasn't happy?
I have a family that grows everyday leaving me with that much more people to love
I have friends who encourage me to be my goofy self which makes me confident to be myself
I have my poetry, I have music, I have other things that bring my heart joy
I don't have time to be unhappy
There is more to life than men

Yes I would like someone to share my life with but I'm not rushing things
Love is not something that you can rush
It happens in it's own time
I've been around long enough to know that things always work out the way they should
I have no time to have anxiety about something that I cannot control

My age does not determine my future relationship status
People can fall in love at any age
Don't try to use age as a way to scare me into something I am not ready for

I do not NEED a man
I will be with someone because I want to be
NEED makes you desperate
WANT means you know what you are getting yourself into
Even the most healthy relationships end sometimes
If you NEED a man to feel good about yourself
you still have insecurity issues that need to be dealt with
How can you love someone else if you can't love yourself?
You can't

The worlds outlook on love is beyond messed up
Love is more than meeting someone, marrying them and so on
It's about letting someone into your heart and allowing them to love the parts of you that you thought could never be loved
Love is about putting someone else ahead of yourself
Love is about encouragement, acceptance, happiness and growth
Not ***, fighting, divorce and being forced into something you don't want to do
Love is finding someone you collide with perfectly and still finding happiness in each other even when the rest of the world is doing all it can to see you miserable

Life is full of possibilities
Let me live my life
Let me enjoy my happiness the way it is
Stop trying to change my personal happiness

Dear Mr. Styles,

To some you are just a member of a UK boy band
but to me you are so much more
Your voice has put together pieces of my heart
and brought my soul back to life
Your personality has given me courage
to treat myself with respect
The way you carry yourself has inspired me to be strong without being prideful
Your sense of humor has caused me to laugh through tears
The things you say during interviews are so random
It's the way you make me feel good about being different
that makes me proud to be a part of the One Direction fandom
You have taught me to not be ashamed to want to be with a decent man
whenever I was feeling down you, Liam, Zayn, Niall and Louis
were all there to hold my hand
It's because of you I have learned to stand up for myself
and not take **** from anybody
You have done more than just make music
you have reminded me that I am somebody who can do amazing things in this life
Thank you for always staying grounded
and not allowing fame to turn you into an *******
Happy 22nd Birthday
You are loved immensely


(Every woman has a celebrity crush who makes her feel great about herself. Mine is Harry Styles.)

It is 3:09 in the morning
Law and order plays on my TV
I just finished my third glass of wine
I am so lonely
I listened to One Direction for an hour
their music fills the holes in my heart
I am ready for bed, I feel myself getting sleepy
but I can't bring myself to lie down
I feel my legs getting cold
it's raining outside
I wish there was someone here to hold me
I hate sleeping in such a big bed all by myself
I wish I had someone to share it with
I have so much on my mind
it's causing me anxiety
I watch commercials trying to distract myself
from feeling so lonely

I am terrified of love
The thought of a man loving me unconditionally terrifies me
I would rather be alone and miserable than face my fear
I am such a ******* coward

(The things you write about when you are under the influence)

Having a baby is not a decision to be taken lightly
Everything changes when you have a baby
Your relationship with your lover changes
Your finances change
Your social life changes
Your body changes
Your view of the world changes
Your priorities change
It's not just about you anymore
Whether you keep your baby or abort it
that moment when you find out you are pregnant stays with you forever
Whether you decide to give your child up for adoption or keep it
that choice you make will impact you forever
For nine months nothing is in your control
even though the choices you make are healthy ones there is no guarantee of a positive outcome
When your baby is here you are a parent not just for the next eighteen years but for the rest of your life
Everything you do, everything you say, every person you surround yourself with, every decision you make, every mistake you make will impact your child in some way
From the time your baby takes it's first breath
your life is changed
From the moment you hear a heartbeat your life is no longer yours
Having a baby is not like ordering something off of a McDonald's menu
It is a decision that should be thought about and weighed carefully because once you make that choice you cannot go back
There is no break from being a parent
There is no vacation
There are women struggling to have children and get nowhere while women who don't care are given babies like it's nothing
I don't know if that is a cruel joke made by God but it ****** me off that children some who are not even a day old
are being neglected because their parents don't think or care about the consequences of their actions
A baby is not a toy
A baby is a human being who will one day grow up to make a difference in this world
That is a huge responsibility
I don't have children
I don't want any children
I don't know if I am meant to have children or not
If I did however choose to have a child
I will make sure to be 100% ready not just for myself
but for my child who deserves nothing but the best

He confessed to me that he wants to commit suicide
I told him that he shouldn't do that
He said he was tired of fighting this constant battle known as depression
I told him I understood the battle he was fighting
He began to tell me how exhausted he was
He is tired of the therapy, the medication, the hoping that things will get better
He admitted to accepting the fact that his depression will never go away
He understands that it is a part of him and that there is no cure for it
He also admitted that he gets angry when people get mad at him for feeling this way because they think he's selfish but then again they are not in his shoes so they can't understand what he's going through
He's right
When you're tired,  you're tired
A person can only take so much
It's hard fighting something that can't be seen physically
You can try to explain in every way possible but you can never truly understand it unless you live through it
I don't care how long you went to college for
I don't care how many people you know with the same problem
IT IS NOT THE SAME
YOU HAVE TO LIVE IT
I am against suicide but who am I to deny someone of wanting peace
I can only do so much
I think locking someone away is cruel
I think it makes people worse when they are forced to live with something they don't want to live with but at the same time I think it's important to keep fighting
I admitted to him that I think his decision to die was stupid
I also admitted that I didn't like seeing him in so much emotional pain
It is selfish to **** yourself because it hurts so many people but it's also selfish to want to see someone suffer so much just so you don't have to lose them
He told me his awful secret of wanting to die
I told him my opinion
As messed up as this subject is a person will do what they want to do
I confessed to him that I don't support his decision but if he wants to go then to go
I told him to not tell me when he was going to do it
I also told him that I was going to tell someone his plans and that even though I was breaking a trust I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do anything to stop him
Does it make me a bad person for understanding his reason for his plans?
Does it make me a horrible person to want him to stay and suffer when he has tried everything to get better?
Suicide is a topic so painful it's enough to devastate a person for the rest of their life
It's a topic as fragile as abortion, ****, war and other devastating topics that shake a person's world

I got a phone call at 4:13 this morning from his mother telling me he had killed himself
I fell apart with the realization I will never speak to my best friend again
I was also relieved to know he was not in any more pain
Does that make me a horrible person?

A man called me white trash the other night
I'm not one to let other people's words get into my head but
on the night those words were said
My stress level was already sky high
My depression wouldn't leave me alone which caused me to have anxiety attacks up the ***
Stress causes me to be weak
That comment "white trash" was enough to send me down a depressing spiral
I am obsessed with how the world sees me now
Am I white trash?
Am I a ******* who is dumb enough to think I can be anything great in this world?
Am I just a waste of space because that is how I feel
I feel like my presence is an annoyance to everyone I come in contact with
I can ask people these questions but their answers won't make my thoughts of being a mistake go away
I am questioning my existence
I know better than to listen to some *******
I'm better than this yet something inside me broke when I heard those words
"White trash"
That's what all of the guys in middle school and high school used to call me
I feel like a cheap piece of *** who deserves nothing but garbage because obviously that is what I am
I'm garbage
I know I sound ridiculous
I feel ridiculous for wasting my energy writing a poem about it but it hurts
My heart hurts
My self esteem hurts
Everything hurts
Feeling like your not good enough hurts
I am so tired of feeling like I am never good enough

I hate ***
It's everywhere
It's all anybody thinks about
I find it disgusting that no one can do anything anymore
without feeling the need to rip their clothes off
I have a hard enough time looking at myself naked in the mirror
how the hell should I let a man see me exposed
I would rather jump off of a cliff
than let a man see me without my clothes
The thought of letting a human being into my personal space
is like an anxiety attack that can't be calmed
*** does nothing but create problems
in which someone is left emotionally harmed
The pressure to have *** is so intense
I don't think I can handle it
I honestly would be perfectly happy
if I never had to engage in it
I feel bad for women who feel the need to have ***
just to feel significant in this world
When people bring up the subject of ***
it's enough to make me want to puke
I don't know why I dislike *** so much
it's a topic that throws me into a state of panic
It ***** that nowadays a relationship doesn't mean ****
unless the guy your with has seen you naked

I know the negative stuff people say about me
I sleep around
I am too emotional
I'm fat
I post too much on social media
I am an attention *****
I'm annoying
I'm fake
I'm too emo
I'm immature
My front teeth look like double doors kicked in
I dye my hair too much
I repeat outfits
I wear the same t-shirt a lot
I'm white trash
I'm a drama starter
My taste in music *****
I'm too poor
My poetry stinks
My head is too far up in the clouds
I'm worthless
I play victim too much
My acne makes my face look like it is covered in pepperoni's
I should go **** myself
I have been called every name in the book
I have been attacked verbally in every way possible
I'm called names through social media
I'm called names to my face and behind my back
People are going to talk no matter what I do
Does it hurt my feelings?
Hell yes it does!
The only way these people and their mean comments have any power over me is if I allow them to have power over me
I am a human being with feelings that get hurt sometimes
I am also a human being who is strong and knows better than to let foolish people, some who have never even met me personally, to have any kind of negative affect on my life
I am well aware of what people say about me
I am also aware of all of the people in my life who love me
The ones who love me are the ones worth worrying about
Not the haters

It has been three years since we have been together
I have had a lot of time to think, to sort out my feelings and figure out some things
I am now ready to confront things I have never dealt with simply because I was not ready to
I am in love with you
I fell in love with you the very first time you texted me "hello"
I fell in love with you the first time you called me on the phone and even though you were crying hysterically your voice was like music to my ears
I fell in love with you again when I met you for the very first time
You had that white car with the ugliest orange seats I had ever seen and even though that car was hideous I was still sad when you sold it
You saw me for who I really was
You loved me in a way that I can't really describe
It was like being in a movie that ended before the last page of the script was finished
Even though our fights were so terrible sometimes I never went a day without wanting to kiss you because your kisses were enough to shake me to my very core
I told you everything about me
Every little secret
Every little thought
I let you read my poetry and your answer to everything was "MORE! I WANT TO HEAR MORE! I WANT TO READ MORE!"
I walked to a different state for you because you were having a nervous breakdown at 3 am and you met me halfway so I didn't have to walk in the dark alone
You saw my flaws and you kissed each of them as if they were the most beautiful parts of me you had ever known
You wrote me letters everyday just telling me everything your soul loved
I was so insecure
So terrified, so needy, so emotional to the point I pushed you away
You moved away just to get away from me
How embarrassing is that?
I dated your best friend who wrecked me and traumatized my belief in love and I think I only dated him because he was the closest thing to you I had when you left
I compare every man I meet to you which explains my reason for being single
I still have dreams about you that turn into nightmares when I realize how crazy I must be
I can't watch certain things,
Listen to certain things,
Go to certain places without remembering you
I've gone to therapy
I tried to smoke you away
I tried to drink you away
I tried ******* you away yet you show up in my mind more now than you already do
If I'm not careful your name shows up in conversations and that drives my friends insane
My mom still gushes about you
You were her favorite
She talks about you as if you are still a part of my life
She says she has never seen me happier than when I was with you and she's right
No one will ever compare to you
I know you're alive and happy
You have fallen in love and moved on with your life
I can deny my feelings all that I want to but denial will leave me stuck
I know you will never hear or read these words but this isn't for you
It's for me
It's time to let go
It's time to stop living in the past
It's time to stop holding onto something that won't come true
It's time to close the book on the most incredible time in my life
I won't lie I will still think of you
I can't do anything about that
I will always be in love with you
I can't control that either
All that I can control is me moving forward
I've stopped running
I've confronted my feelings
I've cried, I've grieved, I've accepted
I don't know what the future holds
What I do know is that I still want what I have always wanted for you
I want you to be happy
I want you to make all of your dreams come true
Even though a lot has and will continue to change that never will
I am closing the book now
It's painful but it's what needs to be done
I love you
I will always love you
Goodbye...

To the man I could spend hours writing poems about....

Tonight I went looking for my sister in the dark after her boyfriend left her stranded in the cold
Tonight I held her as her heart broke into pieces because that same ******* of a man left her for his ex wife
Tonight I watched my window shatter from the heart of a girl who has finally had enough
Tonight I sat in the cold with a cigarette in my hand crying because I felt helpless
Tonight one of my best friends admitted to me that she tried **** twice
Tonight I felt like cutting but I didn't
Tonight I felt myself turn inside out like a nightmare I can't control
Tonight I feel lost
Tonight is just a ****** night

It sort of ****** me off that the characters in the books I read are having more *** than I am.

If you are reading this right now you are probably a stranger who has never met me

I don’t know you personally and I have no idea what is going on in your world

I am not very good with people so excuse my awkwardness

If tonight you are having one of those night’s where everything seems off

Where everything seems to be crashing down around you

Where all of your past mistakes seem to be knocking on your door and

Voices are telling you to snort that *******, to cut yourself with that razor

To pour that glass of *****, to run into oncoming traffic just to feel anything but the emptiness you feel now

If your heart is breaking, if your parents are fighting

If your best friend betrayed you by sleeping with your boyfriend or

Someone very close to you died

If your feeling suicidal, lost, depressed, stressed to ******* capacity to the point you think you will absolutely lose it then

I want you to read these next words very carefully

You are much more than your past

You are not your mistakes

You don’t need that adrenaline rush, that sight of blood

That alcohol or that specific drug to feel better

Your life is far from ending

That feeling as if everything is ****** up is just the beginning of something spectacular being born into your life

In life great things never come without a little pain first

Whatever it is you are feeling I want you to know it is temporary

I want you to tell yourself that you are beyond extraordinary

You are strong enough to handle anything life throws at you because you are a bad ***

Nothing and no one can tear you down

Cry if you need to, scream if you need to, throw something if you need to

Feel whatever it is you need to feel, fall down, crash, let your emotions hit you

Then I want you to get back up, take a deep breath and keep going

Life is ****, life is down right awful sometimes and it doesn’t ever make sense

If there is one thing I know from my past experiences

It’s that there is something wonderful to look forward to

There is something worth living for and proof of that shows up when you least expect it

So before you go to sleep tonight

Please don’t forget to look into the mirror and tell yourself how wonderful you are

Because the truth is we are all facing demons but no matter what demons tend to haunt us

We can overcome them, we will overcome them

Saying no to whatever you use to escape from your pain is the first step to beating that demon

Let's go to England

We can take a 6 am flight and be there by 3 pm

We can see the Tower Of London and share a kiss underneath The London Eye

We can spend two weeks in Bristol crossing bridges, floating in giant balloons, riding boats and bikes and visiting Bansky's art

We can visit Shakespeare's hometown and walk the streets that once fell in love with the feet of the most romantic writer of all time

We can drink coffee and smoke cigarettes at New Forest Park and go swimming at Towans Beach

We can make our own wine in Gloucestershire and have a picnic in Cambridge

We can dance near Princess Street and go clubbing in London

We can shop at the Stratford Centre and drink tea in Oxford

We can stand in the rain in Surrey and go to concerts in Bedford

We can start over and make all of our dreams come true

Let's go to England

I just want to be with a man who won't run away when I tell him that I have a mental disorder

Oh Darling,
It kills me inside to see you so sad
You are so young
You are so beautiful
I won't be the kind of person who tells you that you are too young
to be so sad
Depression doesn't care about age
Depression doesn't care about race
Depression doesn't care that you have a plate full of problems already
Depression is a sneaky *******
Depression has a way of reaching into your personal outer space
and wrap it's arms so tightly around your neck as it forces you
down into the deepest part of the ocean
It lets you go every once in awhile but as soon as you are so close
to reaching the surface to finally catch your breath
it comes back up and down you go again
I'm sure somewhere in your heart you know that you are beautiful
You know that you are strong
You know that you are capable of doing anything you set your mind to
However, depression doesn't let us see our beauty
It doesn't let us feel our strength
Depression takes away our ability to get through the hell it unleashes onto us
I spent seven years slicing up my arms in the hopes that my sadness
would leak out of me
I spent months starving myself
as a way to make up for the beauty depression took from me
I spent so many nights envisioning suicide and attempting not once
not twice
but three times because I was so tired of feeling sad
I was so tired of being sore not just on the inside but on the outside
I was tired of feeling like I was constantly drowning
Someone once told me I was too young to be sad
I laughed in anger because how dare that person tell me that
How dare that person make me feel like I was being ridiculous
for feeling how I felt
Do you think I enjoyed making myself bleed?
Do you think I enjoyed being hungry?
Do you think I enjoyed feeling tired because I was fighting a battle that no one else could fight but me
I know that when you cry yourself to sleep at night
you wish you could just fall asleep in peace
I know that when you take those pills
you don't really want to take them
but you are running out of options on how to make your unhappiness go away
They say it's the people around you
It's the things that you watch
It's the things that you read that make you so sad
The only people who tell you that are people who have never
ever experienced true depression
I haven't cut myself in three years
That doesn't mean that when depression pays me a visit
I don't wish that I could lean on a razor to feel better
I am not here to tell you what to do or what not to do
I am here to let you know that I understand what it's like
to feel the way that you do
I understand what it's like
to be where you are right now
I know what it is like to just want to die because you are tired of fighting
I also know now that there is a light at the end of this dark
and what feels like an endless tunnel
I know that if you keep fighting
you will get through this sadness
I'm not saying the sadness will go away because it won't
I'm twenty three years old and that sadness I felt as a teenager
still lingers behind me each and every day
I learned to reach inside myself
and use my sadness as a weapon to kick depression's ***
It's exhausting each and every day
It was devastating to learn that I will be fighting this battle for the rest of my life
I have two options every morning when I wake up
I can choose to fight or choose to give up
Oh Darling
It kills me inside to see you so sad
You are so young
You are so beautiful
I won't be the kind of person who tells you that you are too young
to be so sad
I will be the person that loves you
and shows you that there is life beyond this ugly thing called depression


If you ever need someone to talk to: 24-hour Hotline.
National Suicide Prevention Helpline.
1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-TALK)

He got sent to prison today
The judge said "life without parole"
He will never taste freedom again
He will spend the rest of his days
stuck between four walls
I knew this day was coming
I knew what the judge would say
What he did was wrong
and now he has to pay
He murdered a man a year ago
in fact he murdered several
The man that I am in love with
turned out to be a serial killer
He skinned people alive
He enjoyed hearing them scream
Then he put their bodies in a shredder
so he wouldn't leave traces of anything
When I was at home cooking dinner
he was out stalking his prey
According to the evidence shared in court weeks ago
he murdered a man and a woman on Christmas Day
He skinned them
Burned them
Hung them upside down like animals
He shredded them to pieces
and came home as if nothing had happened
This has been going on for years
since he was about seventeen
It makes me cringe whenever I think of all of the times
his hands were all over me
Did he ever think about murdering me
Could I have been one of his victims
He told the courts killing those strangers was easy
because he had no love for them
When asked why he did what he did
he smiled with pride
He shook his head and laughed
"That is just the way I am wired" he replied
A part of me wanted to throw up
another part of me wanted to cry
When he was taken out of court in handcuffs
I was absolutely mortified
It is astonishing the way us humans
can hide secrets so well
The things we do when no one is watching
just to get through our personal hell's
What makes me even more sick is that despite his actions
and many other sins
My boyfriend is a serial killer
and I am still madly in love with him

I am so confused
You can't be with me but you can have *** with me
You can live in my apartment
You can take showers with me
You can blow up my phone
asking me when I am coming home
You can sleep in bed with me
You can spend the holidays with my family
You can take me out on dates
You can take me on road trips with you
You tell everyone that I'm your's
You spend all of your time with me
You buy me gifts on Valentines Day
You bought me a promise ring
You tell me you love me but we are not together
We are just friends?

It irritates me when I tell people that I am a emotional, complicated, sensitive disaster and they say "Oh don't have low self esteem". I don't have low self esteem. I am being honest with you so months down the line when you finally agree with what I am telling you, you can't say that you didn't know because I told you so. I don't get why people are so stunned by my honesty.

I have no one to kiss at midnight for New Year's. Instead of complaining about it I can't help but imagine how fantastic it will be when I am able to kiss my future soulmate every year at midnight for the rest of my life and in that moment I will be so glad I waited to save my next kiss for someone who truly loves and appreciates me for who I really am

I want to think the creator of Hello Poetry Eliot York for allowing me to share my work on this site. To the other writers on this site both published and non published thank you for the critique to make my writing better. Thank you for encouraging me and directing me in the right direction to making my life more positive. Thank you for always motivating me and reminding me to work ******* my dreams. Thank you for picking me up when I was sad. Thank you for believing in me when I can't believe in myself. Thank you for taking time out of your day to read my poetry, like it, share it and compliment it. To the friends I have made on Hello Poetry thank you for being so awesome. I really hope to meet most of you in person so we can get together and write together. How cool would that be!!!?? I am so blessed to be able to share my work with people who understand how I think. For the first time in my life I have a place to turn to when I need release from all of the crap that builds up in my mind and to be surrounded by people who have a passion for writing like I do, it's like being around magic all of the time and I can't help but smile. To everyone on Hello Poetry thank you for not just making a difference in my life but for making a difference in other's lives as well through your words. You all make the world a better place. Every time you post a poem on this site, you are giving a gift of hope to those who are lost and each poem gives someone the courage to face their demons. If you ever feel like your words don't matter let me tell you now that they do. Every single day. So don't you ever think your work means nothing. You all are so talented and I am so blessed to be a part of a community that is just so full of love. 2015 was amazing and it was because of all of you. Eliot York, thank you again. To every writer on this site, thank you again for making the world a better place, one poem at a time. Happy New Year!!!!!!

She is not a *****
She is not heartless
She is not selfish
She is not full of herself
She is exhausted
She is worn out
She is done
She is tired of not being heard
She is tired of not being seen
She is tired of trying to be good enough
She is tired of having to take care of everything
She is tired of the late nights staying up worried about her loved ones
She is tried of disappearing and no one noticing her absence
She is tired of being taking advantage of
She is tired of giving advice yet when she needs advice no one seems to be around
She is tired of being disrespected
She is tired of being judged when she needs to be understood
She is tired of holding back because no one wants to hear about her problems
She is tired of being pressured into doing things she doesn't want to do
She is tired of being terrified to let people in
yet no one is giving her a reason to let her fear of vulnerability go
She is tired of working and not getting anywhere
She is tired of encouraging others but when she needs motivation
it's like she doesn't exist
She is tired of her kindness being walked all over
She is tired pushing forward just to be pushed back
She is tired of being everyONE'S HERO
SHE IS TIRED OF ALWAYS BEING THERE JUST TO BE LEFT BEHIND
SHE IS TIRED OF BEING TREATED LIKE SHE DOESN'T MATTER
SHE DOES MATTER
SHE IS A PERSON
SHE IS A GOOD PERSON
SHE TRIES SO HARD TO MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY BECAUSE SHE KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE MISERABLE
SHE KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE WALKED ALL OVER LIKE A BEAT UP PIECE OF CARPET
SHE PUTS OTHERS FIRST ALWAYS AND SHE GETS CHOSEN LAST
SHE IS TIRED OF IT
TIRED OF NOT GETTING WHAT SHE NEEDS
SHE NEEDS SOMEONE TO HOLD HER HAND FROM TIME TO TIME
SHE NEEDS TO HAVE A SHOULDER TO CRY ON
SHE NEEDS TO BE SEEN, TO BE HEARD, TO BE APPRECIATED
SHE IS A HUMAN BEING WHO NEEDS A HERO TOO
SHE IS...remarkable
Extraordinary
Beautiful
Talented
She is a rare person to find
She is everyone's hero but sometimes even hero's need help sometimes
Even hero's have bad days and just need someone to remind them of their greatness
She needed a hero
but now it's too late...

I hope you find happiness in places you never have before
I hope this Christmas you get everything you wished for
I hope you have the courage to let go of anything that is tragic
so you can spend today in peace as you fall back in love with magic




If you are reading this I just want to wish you a Merry Christmas!!!!

The snow is falling gently outside
the lights on the house are glowing with love
The Christmas tree is full of ornaments we made together
before God made you an angel above
The sky is dark yet full of stars
holiday movies play on the television
I sit outside with my cup of hot cocoa
hoping you can hear me from heaven
I wish you could see the house
it is decorated just for you
The mistletoe hangs where we used to kiss
as the clock strikes two
Your records stay in their place
just as you left them
I get sad knowing their collecting dust
but I don't have the heart to touch them
I tried making your famous pasta tonight
it's a recipe I can never get right
I drink the wine we used to share together
as we sat next to the window awaiting the winter weather
I still stay up until 2 am
hoping to catch Santa coming into the house
Yet I always manage to fall asleep
as I dream of you singing Beatles songs to me
I look through old photo albums
full of pictures from five Christmas's ago
I am immediately taken back to our first Christmas
where our first kiss took place in the snow
With tears in my eyes I grab the keys
to take a drive in your car
Merry Christmas my love
I hope your happy wherever you are



To those who are dealing with holiday grief I just want you to know that you are not alone. Merry Christmas. I hope your day is a wonderful one and I hope your heart is full of hope, love and happiness.

I am driving back to New Jersey
the holidays are now over
I am going to miss sleeping in your arms
and playing in the snow with you for hours
This long distance thing can be so annoying
but it is worth it every time I see you
I just wish we never have to part
because I hate being away from you
I am halfway through my drive
your face is all I keep thinking about
I will not see you for another thirty days
I do not think I can wait that long
I thought this long distance would be good for me
since I am so afraid to get close to anybody
Yet every goodbye makes you sad
and seeing you sad just kills me
A tear falls down my cheek
my heart is aching for you
I know my life is in New Jersey
but I belong in California with you
I quickly turn my car around
not giving a **** if other drivers on the road get ******
I am either all in or all out
I know longer want to be long distance

On Christmas Eve last year, I fell in love with a man who had a brain tumor. He was only given three months to live, but I didn't mind the short time we had together. He was brilliant, he was kind and despite his diagnosis he was adventurous. He didn't allow anything to hold him back. Most importantly, he didn't let his condition change him. Despite the frequent hospital trips, the headaches that never went away and the nausea he felt due to being in so much pain, he continued to laugh. He continued to be himself. He smoked his ****, he cooked his favorite meals. Whenever I tried to help him in any way he would always say "This may be the last time I do this so just let me be." I worried about him a lot but his smile and the choice he made to just live life to the fullest each day I had with him, was enough to make me forget he was sick. He didn't act like he was dying. Some people had a hard time believing he was sick and I think he wanted it that way. Three months came and went. He was still vibrant even though the fear that he might not wake up the next day was always hovering over him. We made it through Spring, Summer, and Fall. Before I knew it we were back in Winter making angels in the snow and getting high underneath the stars. It was Christmas Eve again. We had been together one whole year. The year I spent with that man was the most magical, scary and excruciating year I would ever go through. We spent our anniversary making love, baking brownies, decorating the Christmas tree and smoking **** outside as we watched the snow fall. That night we laid in bed holding hands staring up at the ceiling. He told me how grateful he was to meet me when he did. He said me that I was proof that just when life seems to fall apart, something extraordinary could happen when you least expect it. He thanked me for not treating him like a broken toy but a human being who wanted nothing more than to be normal. In that moment I told him how much I loved him and that my life would never be the same because the love he showed me despite his pain and suffering was the most beautiful, purest and rare love I had ever experienced. I told him that I would never let him be forgotten and that no man could ever take his place. We laid in bed for hours, telling each other back and forth how much we loved each other all the while still holding hands. At 6:13 a.m on Christmas Day, he passed away. I felt his hand gently grasp mine as he took his last breath. I knew that was coming but the pain I felt when I was certain he was gone was unlike anything I had ever felt. My heart broke into a million pieces as I squeezed his hand, hoping maybe his eyes would open up again. As I gained the courage to let go of his hand for good, I kissed him one last time and whispered "Merry Christmas" into his ear. I then thanked God for allowing me to fall in love and spend time with an angel, even if only for a year.

I put some money into a vending machine
I was in the mood for a soft drink
A man about my age was staring at me
I didn't quite know what to think
He walked up to me and said
"Do you realize you just paid 5 euros for that?"
"Is that too much?" I asked
He shook his head yes and chuckled
Feeling so embarrassed
I began to walk away
When he said out loud "Wait!"
He took some keys out of his pocket
and opened up the machine
He gave me back the money I was owed
I told him "You didn't have to do that"
He replied "I know that but I wanted to"
then he kindly smiled

We sat waiting for the bus
as we fell into conversation
He asked me if I was American
I told him that I was
"How are you liking Bristol?" he asked "Is it everything you imagined it to be?"
"Actually no" I answered "It's better than I imagined it."
We conversed about my stay here
I told him I was here visiting a friend
He admitted that he wished he would have met me sooner
because I seemed like an interesting gal
We ended up going for a walk
stopping for a break at St George Skatepark
He asked me if I was looking forward to going back home
I told him that I wasn't
"All you ever hear about is London, Manchester and many others city's
people think those are the only places in England worth getting to know
After being here in Bristol for this entire week
I have falling in love with this place and it will break my heart to go."

After a few seconds of silence he said "Then don't go. Marry me and you won't have to go."
"That is illegal" I replied back in shock
"Not if we never divorce" he said very seriously
"I don't even know you. I met you an hour ago" I said still in shock
"Alright" he told me taking a seat on the ground "Here is what you need to know
I am a bit messy, in fact I am a major slob
however I feel that after living with a woman for some time
that bad habit will eventually stop
I am a huge breakfast person
I could eat breakfast all day
I can cook too so if you are ever hungry just let me know
and I will start cooking away
I have a **** job but I make decent money
I don't live in a mansion or anything but it's a place to live
so either way I am happy
My friends are total idiots, they are in fact a group of arseholes
but they are there for me when I need them and
I know they would love to meet you
I know I am not that good looking but I will treat you right
I will put you first always as long as you never go to bed angry with me at night
I know we have known each other for only an hour
Maybe what I am asking is illegal
but I seem to have fallen in love with you
So marry me and we can work out the legal crap later."

I smoked myself a cigarette
okay maybe five
I thought long and hard about the situation
trying hard not to cry
I didn't even know this man
yet everything about him drove me crazy
How on earth could I marry a man
who barely even knows me
I put out my fifth cigarette
let out a deep exhale
"Okay" I said finally "I will marry you"
He got up off the ground, helped me up and then we started to run
For the first time in my whole existence
it felt like my life had just begun

I was 23 when I got married
I had no idea what I was thinking when I said yes to that man
I am 87 years old now
and I am still in love with him
In our 60 years of marriage he has kept his promise to me
to always put me first
I never go to bed angry at him
and we spend every Saturday afternoon at St. George Skatepark

I can't remember where I came from
It's like I woke up in a world
I have no recollection of entering
Everything is cold
Freezing even
Normally I don't mind the cold
I usually find comfort in it
only this time the coldness is causing me to feel scared
I'm soaked
As if I was swimming yet there is nowhere to swim
I feel concrete underneath my bare feet
I can't see where I am in the dark
With each step I take
I am terrified something will hurt me
Despite my fear I continue to keep walking
until I scream out in pain
Something cut me
I'm bleeding now
I can feel a warm sensation oozing from my foot
It felt like a razor
but I have no way of knowing
Now I am being cut all over my body
with each scream the pain intensifies
I stop screaming as the pain forces me to the ground
leaving me in a ****** mess
I can hear the ticking of a clock
It's faint at first
Then it gets louder
So loud I have to cover my ears
but I can't
I'm in too much pain to move
The clock chimes
I instantly wake up in my bed
I touch myself to see if I'm hurt
Nothing there
I lie in bed trying to catch my breath
as I replay my nightmare over in my head
trying to figure out what it meant

It's strange, sad and amazing to think that no matter how hard you work, how much courage you use to put yourself out into the world that is already consumed with so much hate and despite all of the pressure you feel to hide out of fear of rejection, no matter what you do or how much you try there is always that one person who can still make you feel as small as an ant on the ground and without saying anything they Can make you feel so insignificant. It's heartbreaking that you will never be good enough for some people, even family.

I am getting out of here tonight
I have no plan
I have no idea what I am going to do once I get there
All I know is that I am going to England tonight
I have one carry on bag with me
I have my purse on my right shoulder
a Starbucks latte in my left hand
and my phone in the back of my jeans pocket
I have three minutes to board my flight
or else my chances of escaping are gone
I don't know where I am going to stay once I get there
Right now I don't care
I just need to go
I have a broken heart
A soul suffocating and craving adventure
I need to go to a place where no one absolutely knows me
No one knows my past
No one knows my name
No one knows the secrets I hide
No one will know about my suicide attempt two nights ago
No one will know anything
I have one minute
I am running through the airport now
My latte is pouring all over my hands
I hear my heart beating in my ears
as the rest of the world goes silent
Suddenly!!!! I am in slow motion
ENGLAND
It has been my dream to go there for as long as I can remember
I am almost to the gate
Last call
Do I make it...?

I am pretty certain that you don't love me anymore
I see the way you look at other women
especially her
Your eyes adore her whenever she is in your presence
Your eyes used to stare at me like that
Now whenever you look at me you are disgusted
You are annoyed
I am the last person you want to see
I know for a fact that when you say you're going out with friends
you're secretly meeting up with her
I caught you one afternoon
in the cafe you and I used to go to and sit for hours
locking lips continuously as poets spoke their hearts out in the background
I caught you kissing her
caressing her
showing her attention just like you used to do to me
Everyone knows you're cheating on me
yet no one will say anything
I know that when we *******'re picturing her face but
I am too dumb and weak to think that I deserve better
I must have done something to deserve your betrayal
So like the pathetic ***** I am
I let you treat me like crap
I let you secretly see her and pretend you're with your friends
as I get drunk at home
I believe your lies hoping I will eventually become numb to them
I let you envision her while we are in bed because for some reason
I live to make you happy
I know you will tell me to leave sooner or later
yet a part of me hopes that you won't
I am pretty stupid to let a man treat me this way
Having low self esteem will do that to a person
How utterly pathetic

The world is a vicious place
with violence surrounding us all
It breaks my heart that so much hate
is causing countries to fall
Attacks are falling from the sky
as ISIS leaves fire wherever they go
People are dying, fear is rising up
as we ask questions for answers we may never know
The twin towers had their murders
when planes crashed into them on 9/11
America was in devastation
as many hearts were in ruin
Paris has now been attacked
with shootings and suicide bombs
People are lying dead in the streets
over unsolved issues that isn't their fault
America and Paris are not the only ones
who is danger at this time
Japan, Mexico and many others
also need our prayers and our help
War is so ugly
it causes more harm than good
Men losing brothers in blood spilled battles
some as young as 18 having to be put to rest so soon
Children are being beheaded
over religious differences
Threats are being made all over the place
throwing people into panic
Groups of people being held hostage
over greed and desperate need for power
My heart keeps breaking
as I get news updates every other hour
The world is falling apart
it's getting worse each day
Now is the time to stand together
and make the evil of ISIS go away
I don't want any more blood spilled
I don't want the world living in fear
I want the Eiffel Tower to put it's lights back on
I want the world to live in peace

I wish I was lying in the snow
surrounded by pine trees
I feel like I can't catch my breath
I can't decide if this is anxiety that I am feeling
or if I am just overwhelmed with happiness
I suppose I could call a friend
let that friend know how I feel
It's hard to tell someone about your problems though
when they don't consider your problems real
You see there is this guy that I like
he is everything I have been searching for
This afternoon out of nowhere
he showed up at my front door
Apparently he has a crush on me
so he thought he would take a chance
By coming to my house
and asking me out to dance
I said to him "that would be lovely"
he replied with "I will see you tomorrow night at six"
After he left I tensed up and started feeling like this
I haven't been out with a man in two years
what was I going to do
I can't go on this date
I'll end up looking like a fool
A part of me wants to cancel
another part of me wants to go
He seems like a gentleman
but how do I know
My cell phone begins to buzz
I see his name on the screen
I sit up in fast motion
trying to comprehend everything
I can't back out of this date now
that would be rude and selfish
I guess I just have to swallow my anxiety
and take this chance at happiness

I have accepted a truth
that I have been trying to avoid for quite some time
I am going to spend the rest of my life alone
I have believed in true love ever since I was a little girl
I wasn't the type who dreamed about a big wedding
I dreamed about life after a wedding
Buying a house
Raising dogs
Cookie dough fights during the holiday season
Painting a bedroom a wacky color
Going to concerts to celebrate anniversaries
Traveling to Europe
Growing old together and still sharing kisses in the snow
I have come to the conclusion that true love is not in the cards for me
You know when a woman gets news that she can't have a baby
Her heart breaks, she cries but she has to accept that reality?
That is sort of what happened to me tonight
I was writing a poem about love like I always do
and it hit me
The stuff I write about will never happen to me
I will never buy a house with someone so we can build a home together
I won't be raising a puppy with anyone
I won't be throwing cookie dough in my kitchen during the holidays
The bedroom I paint will not be a wacky color
I won't go to concerts for any reason other than to enjoy live music
I won't be sharing a story in Europe with anything other than my diary
I will be 80 years old still loving the snow by myself
and that is okay
As heartbreaking as that is
I am totally okay with that
Some people grow up to be famous
Some grow up to make a difference
Some grow up to raise a family
Some grow up to fall in love and spend the rest of their lives
with the one who took their heart and never let it break
I have been by myself for the last two years
I have become comfortable with loneliness
I have adapted
I am better off this way
I won't be able to hurt anyone and in return no one will hurt me
As tough as this was to accept
once I said the words out loud I felt this weight being lifted off of me
As if I had revealed a horrible secret I have been hiding
Do I still believe in true love?
Yes I do
It exists
It really does
It just doesn't exist for me
Am I sad?
I am heartbroken
Maybe more heartbroken than I have ever been in my entire life
But I will be okay
I will take this truth and move on with my life
That is what I do
I am not depressed
I am realistic
No man is ever going to want me
I am too complicated
I am too emotional
I am too much to handle
I love too much, I have been told before that I love too much
I don't know how to not love so much
I am not beautiful enough to be looked at naked
and take someone's breath away
I don't have what it takes to make someone happy
I am twenty three years old
It is better that I accept this now
so I don't waste my life hoping for something that won't come true
I will always be the brides maid
never the bride
I will always be somebody's friend or sister
never a crush or girlfriend
I will always be on the sidelines cheering on every one else's love stories
never will I have a beautiful story to look back on and cherish
I am okay with all of that
I really am

I saw you in my room last night
You were sitting on the edge of my bed
Stroking my hair
You kept telling me how beautiful I looked
For a minute it was as if you never passed away
I could see in your eyes that you were worried about me
I haven't been well since I laid you to rest
Seeing you in your coffin
touching your hands that once held mine so tightly
as we walked the strip in Las Vegas
Do you remember that day?
It was a spur of the moment thing
We just got into the car and drove
We held onto each other so tightly
as we walked looking at everything Vegas had to offer
That was the night we got married
It was so out of the blue but I knew when you proposed to me
that I was making the right choice by saying yes
Everyone thought that we were crazy
Maybe we were
But I have never been so crazy about another human being before
Being with you was like heaven on earth
You were romantic
You were kind
You were wonderful to me
Then you died
In the blink of an eye it was all over
One hit by a drunk driver and you were gone
I was left with more than a broken arm and a couple of stitches
I was left with a shattered heart
I was left with guilt for surviving
I was left with depression because I ached for you
I was left with fear because I forgot how to live without you
I cried so hard when I woke up in that hospital room
I called out your name but you didn't answer
I felt lost
I felt incomplete
I reached for you in my dreams but you weren't there
When your Mother told me that you had passed
my heart ached so badly that I went into cardiac arrest
I hoped to be with you
but the Lord wouldn't take me

It has been three months since that accident
I have lost weight because I can't eat
I hurt from lying in bed all day because I have no energy to do anything
I know you're angry at me
This isn't who I am
To dwell on pain and let life pass me by
That was never us
We lived
We lived for the moments that people dreamed about
We made love under the stars
We kissed in thunderstorms
our hearts collided and time froze still just for us
That's all over now
As I watch you on the edge of my bed
I want so badly to hold you
I want to be in your arms
I want to feel safe again
You won't hold me
You want me to let you go
You want me to be happy
You tell me we will be together again
as you kiss my forehead
I watch you go to heaven
as an angel holds me and lets me cry into her chest

The ones you love the most
will break your heart once or twice
It's not because their evil
their human, they will mess up sometimes
The one you give your heart to
will disappoint you one day
It's not because they don't love you
their fighting demons that won't ever go away
The people you call your friends
will make mistakes that will upset you
It's not because they don't care about your friendship
it's just what they have to do
The sun won't always shine
sometimes it will rain
It doesn't mean something bad will happen
it's God's way of cleansing your pain
Your parents who you thought were perfect
may overstep their boundaries by telling you what to do
It's not because they doubt you
it's their way of saying that they care about you
The God you lean on 24/7
will cause you to hit rock bottom
It's not because he deserted you
it's the only way you will grow

My God it drives me crazy
that you don't know how amazing you are
It breaks my heart when you look into the mirror
and all you see are flaws
But I, your girlfriend see radiance
pouring out of every pore of your body
You complain about all of the things that I love about you
It frustrates me that you are so blind
to the very things that make you absolutely wonderful
Sometimes I just look at you and think "wow
he chose me, he is my other half
and he is perfect, so so so perfect"
You're a work of art I can admire all day long
You're a song that dances through my nervous system
and causes me to shiver in excitement
You're the high a person gets
when they smoke their first cigarette in the morning
Your eyes shine like fireflies
that glow in the dark at the end of a summer day
Your presence is enough to scare
all of my demons away
You're the firework that bursts inside of me
every time we make love
You're my lucky charm
Life with you is like reading a book that never ends
Each chapter gets better
Each minute with you is a blessing
Each day I love nothing more
than to tell you how much you mean to me
Hopefully, one day when you look into your mirror
you will see exactly what I am talking about

They were total opposites
In fact they didn't even belong together
They were so incompatible
Even their friends thought their relationship was strange
He was a high school graduate with a good paying job
She was a high school drop out
working at the mall during the day
For fun she wrote poetry at night
while he enjoyed listening to eighties music as he worked on cars
He was a huge *** smoker
whereas she was the type to read books as a way to relax
He had a minor criminal record
and she couldn't take a risk to save her life
They fought over stupid things
Things that didn't even make sense half of the time
He was the kind of guy to crack jokes when she was mad
She was the type to get angry because he never took anything seriously
He wanted to stay in his hometown
She wanted to travel the world
He hated the cold
She adored it
He hated Christmas and didn't believe in Jesus
Christmas to her was heaven on earth and she was a christian
He sometimes wondered why he was with her and vice versa
When he thought of breaking up with her
he knew he would miss her
He never thought of himself as attractive
in fact he saw himself as a loser
But in her eyes he was perfect
She couldn't get enough of him
She never had high self esteem
in her eyes she was the low life *******
She felt intimidated by his success
she couldn't help but wonder why he liked her
People close to them have said before
they would never last as a couple
They were too different, too abnormal
they were better off with other people
What he didn't know was that his smile
gave her butterflies you wouldn't believe
What she didn't realize was that her body
made him weak in the knees
Despite her obsession with always trying to be good enough
he was crazy about her mind
She was smart in a way he couldn't put into words
Her laughter drove him wild
She hated how whenever she tried to express herself
he would make a joke about what she was saying
She sometimes felt offended
and stupid for not being more interesting
The way he made her feel comfortable in her skin though
it was like fireworks on the fourth of July
She was never afraid to get naked in front of him
she was beautiful in his eyes
When worse came to worse they were there for each other
If anyone made her cry
he would beat the **** out whoever caused her tears
Even though he was an idiot sometimes if anyone called him that word
she was on their *** faster than they could blink
Despite the fear of vulnerability
he worked hard to open up as much as he could
Even though the pressure to be perfect was like a drug
she did her best to just be herself
He enjoyed reading her poetry
especially the ones she wrote about him
She enjoyed hearing his jokes
even if she couldn't understand them
At the end of the day they loved each other
they accepted each others flaws
They both got what they always wanted
to be able love another human being so deeply
and to be loved in return

It's three in the morning
I have had the same stomach ache since ten o'clock last night
The pain is so intense I can't move
without feeling my insides turning upside down
Nothing is helping either
Tums are not working
Sprite is not working
A hot bath hasn't helped
I feel like I need to throw up
but that just causes me to have an anxiety attack
Now I am at the point where breathing is so painful
that I hold my breath
Feeling on the verge of tears
I break down and take some medication
Two hours later
Nothing
By now it feels like my intestines are knotted
through each of my ribs
I'm shaking
I'm sweating yet I'm cold
I break down again
I can't take it anymore
I smoke some ****
I light the joint
Take a hit
It hurts to inhale but I need some relief
I take two more hits
Within half an hour my stomach ache is gone
I feel like I am floating in a swimming pool
while wrapped up in a blanket
The shaking has stopped
I can breathe without feeling like something inside of me is tearing
I am so tired
It's amazing how much energy pain can take from you
It feels so good not to be in pain
I finish the joint
I lay on my bed
I allow myself to relax
I'm thirsty but too exhausted to get back up
I fall asleep with relief
hoping to God that this pain doesn't come back

You want to know what I think about when I lie in bed at night?
I think about that nasty break up in 2013
How I was so scared to be alone
because I thought I needed a man to feel whole
How I pushed everyone away
because I was angry at the world for being happy
while I was in a million pieces
How I stopped listening to my favorite band
because every song they wrote just reminded me of memories
I couldn't let go of
How I became a *****
because I did the one thing I promised I would never do

I became bitter
I became unrecognizable
I lost myself in my anger and the jealousy of my cousins hands
touching the body I had seen naked everyday for the last two years
I neglected my poetry because I gave up on feeling
I didn't want to be sad
I didn't want to start over
I didn't want to pick myself up because it hurt too much
I spent days doped up on sleeping pills
I went days without showering
I went days without eating because I didn't care about anything anymore
I was depressed
I became heartless
I became mean
I became selfish
All because of a man
who clearly didn't give a **** about me
I spent months blaming myself
as if it was my fault we were over
I wasn't the one who cheated
I wasn't the one who lied
I wasn't the one who got an STD after ******* the biggest ***** in town
I wasn't the one who almost knocked up my best friends girlfriend
I may have had my share of problems
but none big enough to ruin a relationship

The day I woke up from my bitterness
was the day I realized that through all of the ******* I was feeling
I did not once turn to my past addiction for help
In the past cutting would have been my escape
For the first time in my life
I went through something traumatic
without turning to a razor for support
I started asking myself "what the hell is wrong with you?
Letting a man have all of this emotional control over you
He is just like a razor without the ****** mess."
I became disgusted with myself
I started feeling guilty for hurting all of the people I loved
while I spent months being angry
I hit rock bottom
I was as low as a person could get
and I let myself get that way
In that moment I knew that the only way out of my rut
was to face the things I was hiding from
To deal with the aftermath of the worst break up
I had ever gone through
Only I could get through what was to come
Only I could make the choice to change

As I lie here two years later
thinking of that mess
I can't help but feel blessed
I am so thankful for hitting rock bottom
It forced me to grow up
It forced me to clean up my social life
It forced me to reconnect with myself
It forced me to change my life
It helped me fall in love with writing again
I am more in love with writing now
than I have ever been in my life
What I thought was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me
was in fact the best thing that ever happened to me

Come a little closer
there is nothing to fear
I have been inside you since your birth
I am that tiny voice speaking in your ear
I am not the devil
I am not a ghost
I am not a figment of your imagination
I am a part of your soul
I hold all of your passions
I keep them safe day in and day out
When you feel you have nothing to offer the world
I remind you what I am all about
I am the mother of your talents
I am the father of your challenges
I am the spark in your eye
I am what causes your heart to beat with happiness
I am the thing you fear the most
because you are the only one who can see me
Only you have the power to reach inside yourself
and release me
I am the goosebumps on your arm
I am your purpose here on earth
I am everything you want in life and more
I am your dream
knocking patiently on your door

You are yelling my name
I can hear sirens singing in unison
I try to open my eyes but it hurts too much to try
I am tired
but your voice keeps pulling me away from sleep
I try to move my hands
They feel like they are on fire
Shards of glass are stuck to my fingers
I am cold
I can feel the concrete on my back
I feel hands touching me
I am poked, prodded and given an oxygen mask
My head is throbbing
I try to remember how I got here
but I can't
I finally find the strength to open my eyes
I see my car smashed
A semi truck hit me throwing me from my car
I didn't even see it
I was not prepared to spend my evening lying on the highway
in the dark
I feel myself going in and out of consciousness
I feel your hand squeezing mine begging me to hold on
I want to
God do I want to but it hurts
I see angels
Beautiful angels reaching out their arms
asking me to go with them
I want to but I don't want to leave you
If I go with the angels
all of my pain will go away
If I stay
I will be in agony
I shake my head no to the angels
I can't leave you
The angels disappear
I feel myself being lifted and taken to the ambulance
As paramedics reassure me I will be okay
I grasp your hand as hard as I can
Your hand in mine
is the only thing that doesn't hurt

It hit me today how much I am in love with you
I didn't know I was until you left
You moved to California for a job
and once I got home from dropping you off at the airport
I noticed your laughter was now nothing but an echo
bouncing off the walls that holds conversations we had on Saturdays
where we stayed up all night drinking talking about
every heartache we each suffered in our young lives
When you told me a month ago you were leaving
I was happy for you
I knew how much you wanted to get out of town and
make something out of yourself
I told you that California was lucky to have you because
it was about to get a heart that is full of so much wonder and love
You asked me to go with you
I told you that sometimes friends have to let each other go
I remember you looking sad when I said that
I couldn't understand why you would be sad though
It wasn't until I went into the kitchen to make dinner
I called for you so you could list off ideas on what to eat
After I said your name out loud and you didn't answer
my heart broke
It was then I had flashbacks of every moment we shared together
All of the good and the bad
you were here for everything
When I got stood up on that date last February
you were there to take that idiot's place
so that I wouldn't feel stupid
When I had anxiety attacks
you stayed up until four in the morning
sacrificing sleep for work just to make sure I was alright
When my parents divorced
you were the glue that held my heart together
When I had the flu for a week
you stayed over watching *** In The City with me
in your pajamas while we ate soup that you made from scratch
What got me though was the memory of you and I
sitting outside smoking a cigarette and out of nowhere
you sang that Mayday Parade song "Even Robots Need Blankets"
and I thought you were singing it because
you know how much I love that song but
now that I think about it you were singing it TO me
You were telling me how you felt and I was too blind to see
what was right in front of me
When I came back to reality I had to call you
I went to my bedroom to grab my phone and that's when I found it
I found a plane ticket with a note
The ticket was to California
I opened the note and with shaky hands I read it
It said

"Saying goodbye to you is the hardest thing I could ever do considering how much I am in love with you. I left you this ticket because I can't enter this new chapter in my life without the person who makes me fearless. That person is you. As you read this note I am sitting in the airport waiting to board a flight that I rescheduled. The time I have should match the time on your ticket. I am waiting for you. Please change your mind and come with me."

I checked the time
I had twenty minutes to get to the airport
I grabbed my phone, my purse and my keys to leave for California
with my soulmate before it was too late

I was told today to drop dead
to go away because I am annoying
I went home, shut my bedroom door
and immediately started crying
I've been told these words before
you think they would be easier to hear
Yet every time those words are said
I am consumed by my biggest fears
My emotional scars re-open
revealing a vulnerable part of me I try so hard to hide
I'm taken back to seven years ago
when my only thoughts were of suicide
I don't mean to be annoying
I can't help who I am
I'm sorry I'm not good enough
but there is no way you will forgive me is there?
This is what happens when you care so much
you tend to get hurt
This is why I build up walls
because humans are the worst
So I sit here writing this poem
on my cold bathroom floor
Letting my tears fall down my face
as I try to mend my heart that you just broke

Always being watched even as you're taking a shower
Afraid to turn your lights off at night
because you don't want to know what lurks in the dark
Having encounters with ghosts
who manipulate you into thinking they are alive human beings
Always being attacked by dark forces
because of mistakes your ancestors made in the past
Someone is always bleeding
Someone is always being haunted
Being locked up in an institution
to be experimented on like a guinea pig
Mysteries, curses, deformities
Using spells to keep your loved ones safe
Staying aware of crazy clowns
who get pleasure out of stabbing people for no reason at all
Men with no eyes coming out of mattresses
Suicides
Self mutilation
Mental disorders
***
Romance
****
Psychological thriller
Fantasies
Realities
You start to question your mentality state
when you fall in love with a serial killer
and wish for an innocent victim to die
Facts
Imagination
Your beliefs will be tested
Your religion will be tested
Your loyalty will be tested
Your view of yourself and others who are different from you
will change
Your dreams will be bothered by the fact that pain brings you pleasure
and vice versa
Nightmares
Gore
Survival
Anger
Sadness
Death
Just when you think you have seen it all
it surprises you
Every year the story gets better
Every year is more intense
More creepy
More ****** up
Every year you are mind ****** as you sit on the edge of your seat
I know
I sound really insane however
I will not say I am sorry
It is just another year
in American Horror Story