I refer to those who are interested in the same *** as "The Cooler People."
Why?
They are the only group of people who have the courage to love who their heart desires with no fear at all
while us straight people are scared **** less to love who we really love because of what people might say or think.
The fact that same *** couples are fearless despite what the world thinks is really awesome and that makes them cooler than the rest of us.


Love Wins!

Hello October!
I have missed you so
I have been counting down the days until I see you
and all that you have to show
Fall has been here for a week
We have already begun our holiday traditions
I am looking forward to seeing November too
you have no idea how much I have missed him
How have you been?
You look beautiful as ever
The crew will be complete
once we are in the arms of our dear friend cooler weather
Our other friends are on their way to town
to throw the best parties of the year
I am ecstatic to see Jack Skellington
things are always better when he is near
I am so excited to have you here for the next thirty days
I am ready to be gory
and insane in so many ways
It feels so good to hug you
you are just as I remember
I am so glad to have my best friend back
Welcome home October!

He noticed her way out into the crowd
When he saw her smile it was as if everyone else around him disappeared
He felt the urge to talk to her
He wanted to touch her
Not in a ****** way
He wanted proof that who he was looking at was not a hallucination
He waited until she was sitting alone with her drink
He walked up to her
Stuck out his hand and introduced himself
She took his hand and as soon as their palms touched
He experienced something he never felt before
His blood turned cold
He had goosebumps rising on every inch of his body
The only noise he heard was his heart beating
He forgot how to breathe
Time literally stood still once their hands met each other
Without thinking he stared at her intently and said

"I want to know you
I want to know everything about you
I want to know what kind of music gives you chills
I want to know what your passions are
I want to know what you look like when you first wake up in the morning
I want to hear your laugh
I want to make you hot chocolate on a rainy day
I want to carry you into the ocean
and kiss you as the waves dance around us
I want to do everything and anything that makes you happy
so that the spark in your eye never goes away
I want to know you on the outside
I want to know you on the inside
I want to know your flaws so I can love them
I want to know what makes you cry
so I can protect you from pain because you are way too beautiful to cry
I want to know your heart
I want to know your mind
I want to love everything that makes you...you
Can I know you?
It would be an honor to know you"

He had no idea why he said all that he said
He didn't regret saying any of it though
As he turned to walk away
Convinced he had scared her off
She took his arm lightly and said

"It is nice to meet you
It would be an honor to know you too"


This poem is dedicated to my Mother and Mike, the wonderful man that makes her happy.

I keep your name on a chain around my neck
not because I miss you but
To remind myself to never fall for someone like you ever again
To never allow a man to keep me down
To never allow a man to put his hands on me like he owns me
To never allow a man to tell me that my dreams do not matter
I keep your name around my neck to remind me
that my dreams in fact do matter
To remind me that I belong to no man other than Jesus Christ
To remind me of all of the times I stood up
when you tried to keep me down
Your name is a reminder of who I used to be
The chain is my motivation
to never be that kind of woman again

Thank you for finally finding me

Everyone feels pressure to make a huge impact on the world
We all want to be remembered when we die
We fear that if we are not famous when we die
then no one will miss us
No one will grieve us
No one will ache for us
That is not true
Fame does not measure how much you are loved
You do not need to be on TV to be loved
You do not need to take your clothes off in front of a camera to be loved
You do not need to write a hit song to be loved
You do not need to have a million dollars to be loved
The ones who love you for who you are
The ones who have seen you at your lowest and still stuck around
The ones who fought with you and for you
The ones who remembered your birthday without the help of Facebook
The ones who saw you at your most vulnerable and never took advantage of you
The ones who held your hand when you were scared
The ones who cheered you on when you couldn't believe in yourself
Those are the people who truly love you
Those are the people who will remember you
Those are the people who will not let a day go by without showing you
even after death how much they love you
So what those people may be five
or 20
or 50
They may not be 2 million followers like your social media profile reads
I would rather be remembered by 5 people who truly loved me
than by 2 million people who only love me based on my social status as a celebrity


For anyone who has passed on that thinks their souls are not remembered and to those who fear they will be forgotten after death, you will be remembered and you are remembered. This poem was inspired by Taylor Swift's song "Long Live" and Season 4: Episode 14 "The Hero In The Hold" from the Television show "Bones"

I'm not crying because I am sad.
Sometimes the love I carry and receive from others is so overwhelming
that my body needs a way to release it somehow.
My body chose tears.
Their happy tears.

It is Thanksgiving morning
I am not ready for this
I am not looking forward to the fighting
and other unnecessary *******
I am not ready for lectures
on how I am doing nothing with my life
It is a very bad idea
to have me peel potatoes when I am full of strife
Don't get me wrong I love my family
each and every one of them
I am not the only one
who has family they wish to strangle around the holidays
I will take in a deep breath
and force a smile onto my face
Life is too short for stress
especially on Thanksgiving Day


This poem is dedicated to those who always have dysfunctional holidays like the ones you see in the movies. You are not alone and you will get through this day. I promise. Happy Thanksgiving.

I stick my fork into my pumpkin pie
I have been waiting for this moment for days
With the first bite I close my eyes
as all of my worries fall away
Thanksgiving Day is in eight hours
I am already anticipating what is to come
Dad in the hospital sick
alone and away from everyone
Arguments over silly things
sadness over loved ones missed
Heartache over family refusing to stop by
due to an individual's ***** fits
What should be a time for thanks
will actually be a day for stress
I will probably be up most of the night
hoping I will be too tired so I can avoid tomorrow's events
So I sit here on the night before
with my favorite Fall desert
I chew as I try not to think about
all of the things that make my heart hurt
I shift my thoughts to the good things that have happened
as I let my mind go blank
I put down my fork
let out a sigh
and whisper to Jesus thanks

I used to have to take sleeping pills to help me fall asleep at night
Now all I have to do is lie in your arms and I get the best sleep of my life every night
I love you
Thank you for choosing to end your days with me

Why do you do this?
Why do you make me cry tears of happiness?
Why do you make the hair on the back of my neck stand up whenever you touch me?
Why do you make it impossible for me to breath whenever you look at me?
Why do you give me an adrenaline rush so high I could swim an entire ocean if I wanted to?
Why do you stay home on Friday nights reading my poems instead of going out with your friends?
Why do you insist on holding me throughout the night as I sleep?
Why are you nice to me?
Why do you care about me?
Why do you inspire me in ways I have never been inspired before?
Why are you so patient with me?
Why does everyday with you feel like Christmas morning?
Why did you see me that day?
Why did you say hello to me that day?
Why did you ask me out?
Why did I say yes?
Why did you fall in love with me?
Why did you choose me?

I know it is too early to talk about Christmas but I already have my list made and this is what I want. I know my list is not exactly rational to some but as an honest person I feel that my list should be honest so when I go to the mall with my nieces this year I will be sure to give Santa this list. Yes as an Aunt I am required to believe in Santa. Maybe I do believe in him. Maybe I never stopped believing. Anyways, here is my Christmas List for 2015:

1.) Spend Christmas in the Children's Hospital with children who can't go home for Christmas because they are too sick. It breaks my heart to think of a child alone on Christmas. I know that families can go to the hospital and spend Christmas with their loved ones but depending on the child's illness, sometimes the families can't. I have a family but I'm not married, I don't have kids of my own so I have all of this free time and love and I would rather spend time with a child who is alone on Christmas just doing whatever they wanted to do than sit at home doing my holiday traditions that I will admit I take for granted a lot. I think it's important to give back and I would love to give a child confined to a hospital the Christmas they deserve, make them smile and help them to forget their pain for a day.

2.) Go to England. I know some may think I'm crazy but I firmly believe something is waiting for me. It's like a pull whenever I see a photo of England. I just have to go there to see what it is. I will admit I'm scared to go because whatever it is waiting for me will change my life and it could be anything. A challenge, a conversation with a stranger, a love affair, an opportunity, inspiration, the list of possibilities is endless.

3.) Meet Derek Sanders from Mayday Parade in person. Hug him and thank him as well as the rest of the band for saving my life. I don't care about a picture or autograph I just feel it is my duty to let them know how many lives they change with their music. I know many fans have already told them that but I haven't, YET, and I want to very badly.

4.) Snow. I miss it. I miss it like a person misses a loved one who is dead. I miss the feel of it. I miss the smell of it. Yes snow has a smell. I miss the beauty of it and how whenever I am surrounded by it I feel like I am in heaven. I miss catching snowflakes in my hand and thinking about all of the miracles and magic we miss seeing because we are so busy rushing our lives to things we don't really want. I miss lying in the snow and feeling like nothing on this earth can hurt me. No matter what I was going through, good or bad, snow had a way of making me feel alive again. I miss that. I need to feel that way again.

So that is my Christmas List for 2015.

Let us stay here forever
Let us just just lie on this bed staring into each other's eyes
as the snow falls outside
Let us allow the snow to pile so high
we have no way of leaving this place
Let us shut the world out and create a world of our own
Let us create a world so beautiful
it would be just like heaven
It would be our secret world
our special place where we can lie here for all of eternity
No one can harm us
No one can tell us how to be
No one can tear our love apart
It will be just you and I
Our two hearts beating so rapidly
it's enough to make non believers believe in love again
Let us believe in the impossible
Let us always dream
Let us always be in love


Dedicated to My Friends Jarod Drew Vermilyea and Nikki Lul

Before you close your eyes and go to sleep I just thought I would take the time to remind you that you are important, you mean the world to somebody and if someone forgot to tell you how much you were loved today then please allow me the honor of saying this: I love you, I think you're great and I am so glad that you exist.

Caring about what other people say
has always been a weakness of mine
That does not surprise me
I am a writer
I believe in the power of words
I believe words have the power to build you up
to the point you feel like you are flying
or drag you down until you're falling down a deep dark hole
like Alice did in Wonderland
Knowing how much power words hold
I make it a habit to speak things that empower people
There is so much negativity in the world
It is so easy to be mean
and make someone feel bad just by saying a few negative words
We all complain about the world being mean yet
we contribute to the negativity by saying things
that just should not be said
Instead of being mean with our words
let's be kind instead
Kindness holds the same amount of power words do
Put those two together and you get magic
Hearts soften with kind words
People believe in themselves when they are told kind things
People are better when they use kind words
I will always worry about what people say about me sometimes
That is my flaw
That is my problem
Not caring become easier on my self esteem
when I choose to speak kind words to those who are negative

We did it
We finally tied the knot
After months of stress from planning
we got the wedding we always wanted
I walked down the isle
you stood there watching me with wonder
As we said our vows while staring into each others eyes
I knew I would look into those eyes forever
We finally kissed as we went from two people to one person
We became one heart
as our kiss sent off sparks of passion
I held your hand so tightly
to make sure that this was real
We are now husband and wife
words could not express the joy I was feeling in that moment
As we had our first dance
it became clear to me
You are the one
God has chosen for me
As our song played beautifully
we sang along quietly together
I am so happy to share this journey with you
that tells the story of us forever


This poem is dedicated to Jeremy and Heather Okon
Congratulations on your special day
I love you

The ones you love the most
will break your heart once or twice
It's not because their evil
their human, they will mess up sometimes
The one you give your heart to
will disappoint you one day
It's not because they don't love you
their fighting demons that won't ever go away
The people you call your friends
will make mistakes that will upset you
It's not because they don't care about your friendship
there are just some things they have to do
The sun won't always shine
sometimes it will rain
It doesn't mean something bad will happen
it's God's way of cleansing your pain
Your parents who you thought were perfect
may overstep their boundaries by telling you what to do
It's not because they doubt you
It's their way of saying they care about you
The God you lean on twenty four hours a day
won't stop you from hitting rock bottom
It's not because he deserted you
it's the only way you will ever grow
So trust him

I just want to dye my hair all sorts of crazy colors. Why? Because I can. I want to go to concerts and be around people who just want to have fun after spending so many years going through hell and back. I want to travel to England and have adventures I can write stories about. I want to wear cute skirts with a beat up pair of converse and dance all over the place. I want to eat all the chocolate I can. I want to find magic in places no one thinks about twice. I want to turn 30 years old with confidence because I think women get better with age. I want to write forever and ever. I want to write for a career. I want to write anywhere whether it's on an airplane, the floor in a mall, a dressing room, while stuck in traffic, high up on a building where I can see everything you can't see when you are on the ground. I want to make snow angels in the snow and make wishes in the rain. I want to eat pizza with my friends, fall in love with a man who adores me, adopt a child and give them a home so I can love them every second of everyday. I want to have my heartbroken so I can become stronger. I want to laugh so when I'm sad I have something to remind me why I should keep going. I want to swim with mermaids, fly in the sky with Santa Claus and go ice skating with Jack Frost. I want people to tell me I can't do something so I can prove them wrong. I want to jump from cliffs and let the ocean catch me into it's arms and spin me around as if I am dancing in an underground heaven. I want to be 40 years old still be going to Disneyland because I refuse to let the child inside of me from years ago die. I want to make a difference. I want to hug as many people as I can. I want to stay up until 3 am around a camp fire looking at the stars while I tell God all of my secrets. I want to make all my dreams come true all the while staying humble so I don't lose myself in success. I want to live without the pressure of having to do certain things so fast. I want to leave this earth knowing I did impossible things and that someone's life was changed because I chose to love them when nobody else wanted to.

You told me you loved me for the first time today
As soon as you said those three words
I felt the earth stop moving
Time stood still
All I could hear was the sound of my heart
thumping with fear
My throat closed up when I tried to speak
I could see the disappointment in your eyes
once you realized that I didn't say I loved you back
It's not that I don't love you
I do love you
I really do
I just can't say the words out loud
I am too terrified to tell you how I feel
I know communication is important in a relationship
I am great with communicating
At least I used to be
I used to be fearless with confessing my feelings
Until I learned confessing my feelings just opens the door
to heartbreak I'm not sure I ever recovered from
I'm sorry I can't say those three words back
You deserve to be with a woman who is fearless in love
A woman who doesn't let the past keep her
from embracing someone great that is standing right
in front of her face
I'm sorry
I can't do this

Look into the mirror and say "I am beautiful" 30 times. Afterwards look at the smile on your face and notice how much happier you are when you are kind to yourself.

There is something about Fall that brings me comfort
Maybe it is the color of the leaves
Maybe it is the warm clothes
Maybe it is the smell of cinnamon in the air
Maybe it is the holidays that come with Fall

I think it is more than that
I think it is the word itself
It is the season
When I think of Fall I think of changes
Fall is the season for change
It makes sense

Winter is the season to bear all
and express your feelings to the ones who mean the most to you

Spring is for blooming into a new person
who has more courage than they had the year before

Summer is for going with the flow
Allowing your inner child to be set free to guide you
through the adult roller coaster you cannot get off of once you turn 18

Fall is the season where all of the negative  you picked up
from previous seasons fall away
You have no choice but to give into the season of Fall
because no matter what you may be facing
there is something always around the corner
that is meant to touch your heart and soul somehow

Fall is like being in love
It is an indescribable feeling
Once it hits you you cannot help but become giddy and joyful

Fall is the only season where anything good and bad can change
but you are not afraid of the change because Fall
has this way of reassuring you that you are in the exact place
you are supposed to be and that no matter what
everything will be okay

I fell in love with you during the most magical time of the year
The leaves were changing
Everything tasted like pumpkin
Hoodies were being worn with jeans and leggings
Hot cider replaced water
and cool winds replaced the heat
I met you while walking down the street
Your brown hair was a mess from the wind
You were wearing a Metallica t-shirt with a hoodie
that looked like it had been with you through high school
You were carrying a gas station coffee that looked delicious
considering that was what my walk was for
You and I were waiting to use the same crosswalk
We each had a headphone in an ear that was blasting a Bruce Springsteen song
After noticing this you asked me what my favorite song by Bruce was
With blushing cheeks I answered "Tougher Than The Rest"
As you shook your head to move the hair from your face
you responded "Me too"
The crosswalk said walk so we walked
We ended up walking to Seattle's Best Coffee House
I got confused at the coffee you already had in your hand
You informed me that the cup was filled with change collected from weeks before
I invited you to have a coffee with me
While I treated us to coffee
you treated us to muffins you promised me were the best
As we took our seats in the coffee house
we both sipped our coffee
as the radio began to play the song "Tougher Than The Rest"

I took a few pills
in the hope that they would take away my pain
They did for a little bit
they made me so high that I couldn't feel anything
When I awoke the next morning
the pain hit me like a car
So I took a couple more pills
but I didn't get very far
Once the effects of the pills wore off
and there was no more high
The pain got incredibly worse
to the point it made me cry
I took some more of those **** pills
too upset to pay attention to the dose
I never woke up the next morning
I was stuck in a coma
The doctors pronounced me dead
without the breathing machine I wouldn't survive
Yet something inside me said otherwise
causing me to stay alive
I woke up after two days
of living in a comatose dream
The pain came crashing down on me hard
but it felt good to feel something
Once I was able to breathe on my own
the doctors explained to me what had happened
They told me that I had overdosed
as my family stood in the background crying
They asked me question after question
wanting to know why I took the pills
I told them that I didn't know
even though I knew the truth
Life threw me a few curve *****
I wasn't quite ready to catch
I thought the pills would help me
instead the brought me closer to death
The doctors sent me to rehab
a place I had hoped to avoid
I had a chance to change my life
or endure another unplanned suicide
I wasn't sure where to go with myself
I just wanted my **** pills
The pills didn't benefit me
they just made me more emotionally ill
The pain I faced hurt like hell
that is when I missed pills the most
The more I confronted my pain
the more I began to feel like myself
I learned that pills didn't help me at all
they just fed the things that were hurting me the most
My waking up in the hospital wasn't a miracle
it was God's way of giving me the chance to save myself
One year later I found those pills sitting in dust on my shelf
they reminded me of my near death experience
and how much they put me through hell
I flushed those **** pills down the toilet
for a minute I stood still
I never in my life would have thought
that my life would be forever changed by a pill.





This poem is dedicated to the following people:

To the friends I lost due to their addictions with pills and other drugs. I miss you terribly and I wish you were here with me today. I think about you all of the time and my heart stills aches for you all.

To the friends who have overdosed on pills and survived. I am really happy you are here and I am so proud of you for getting the help you need to live your lives to the fullest.

To the friends who are still addicted to pills and other drugs. I really wish you would get help because I miss you, I think you have so much to offer this world and it hurts to know you are wasting your lives hurting yourselves. I love you very much and I always will.

Sleep with me
I don't mean in a ****** way
Lay beside me, spoon me, wrap your arms around me
Hold me so tight that we won't need to use a blanket
because our bodies heat is enough

Eat dinner with me
I don't mean fast food
Sit at a table with me, share an appetizer with me
Order a meal that cost more than my pair of shoes as we drink wine
while pretending there is no possibility of the night ending

Have a conversation with me
I don't mean gossiping about others
Sit in front of me, look me straight in the eyes
Tell me everything your heart desires
so I can listen to your words with passion

Kiss me
I don't mean with tongue
Take my face into your hands
Kiss me so gently that I can feel every goose bump that forms on my body
Kiss me so slow I become so weak in the knees
you will have to catch me and carry me in your arms

Stand in the rain with me
I don't mean allowing yourself to get soaked
Stand in the rain with your arms spread wide
Tilt your head back and feel the chill soak into your veins
giving you a rush as if your life has just been transformed

Go star gazing with me
I don't mean lie on the ground and look up at the sky
Look at every star
See how even in the dark the most beautiful things are found
Let the stars take your breath away
Let your mind wander about all of the things your heart is afraid to open up to
Just think that every choice you made
every step you took
every obstacle you faced brought you to this very moment with me

Dance with me
I don't mean grind on me
Take my right hand into your left
Hold me and spin me around like Cinderella
until I can no longer feel the ground beneath my feet

Love me
I don't mean buy me gifts
Cherish me, appreciate me, make love to me on the living room floor
Do things with me like cooking pasta at 3 am
Ask me about my day
Treat me as your equal
Spoil me by allowing me to spoil you
Don't take me for granted
Continue to treat me just the way you did before you had me
Fall in love with me everyday
just like I fall in love with you

I hate seeing you so sad
Whenever I see you cry
I just want to hold you
until there is no more tears left inside of you
I want to take your heart
Stitch it back together
and prove to you that you can trust me
I want to kiss your scars
I don't ever want you to be ashamed of the battles you fought
I want to fight your demons with you
I want your demons to tear me up
so you don't have to be stressed out
I want to give you the moon
I want to wrap my arms around you
and fill you with love I have been saving just for you
I want to show you the magic
that causes my heart to skip beats whenever I am with you
I want to love you
I want to fight with you
I want to kiss you the moment all of your dreams come true
I want to build a life with you
A life that tells the story of you and me
I want you to be my secret keeper
while I carry your heart next to mine
I want to fall apart in your arms
as I love every inch of you
I want to show you how perfect you are
I want to make you realize how special your soul is
Let me love you the way you deserved to be loved
I promise you won't be disappointed

The combination of depression and anxiety
is a battle that is constantly going on
There is no break from it
they follow me wherever I go
Every day is a struggle
I don't complain because complaining doesn't do ****
I don't talk about it because people don't understand it
I live in isolation because anxiety makes it hard for me to have friends
People don't understand how I can go out one day
but the next day I can't
Some people think it is an excuse to be lazy
When you fight depression and anxiety twenty four hours a day
along with work,
family life,
meeting the responsibilities a twenty three year old like myself has to do,
a love life if your lucky,
school if you go to school
Sometimes the stresses of all of these things put together
exhausts me to the point I have to miss out on important things
to catch up on sleep so I have energy to deal with my disorders

I had to miss work last night
because insomnia kept me up for thirty six hours
My sister took my shift
and I could see in my families eyes they didn't understand
why I was so tired
I went to sleep crying because I felt like a freak
Depression caught me at my most vulnerable
but I was way too tired to fight the strangulation
so I let it strangle me to sleep reminding me why people **** themselves
I am sorry for being so complicated,
I am sorry for being a freak,
I am sorry if I seem rude or lazy
I am not any of those things
I am just really
really
really
exhausted

I live with a roommate who doesn't understand the word space
This roommate is at my work
It follows me to my friend's house
It hovers over me at family get together's
It sleeps with me in bed and accompanies me in the shower
I have named it Annoying because that is what it is
The other day Annoying followed me to a job interview
During the interview Annoying had me so nervous
I was physically shaking and the man interviewing me
would not stop looking at me funny
I was so embarrassed
When I left the interview I walked to the bowling alley
to meet up with my mom and grandma
As I watched my grandma bowl
Annoying sat next to me telling me in my ear how everyone at the bowling alley
was judging me and thinking I was a loser
After bowling the three of us went out to lunch
Seeing all of those people in the restaurant made me want to throw up
It took everything in me to swallow what was coming up
I did it so fast that the swallowing hurt
but I did not want to worry mom and grandma
so I put on a smile and pretended that I was okay
Try hanging out with your friends at a party
Your favorite song is playing
You want to dance
Everyone wants to say hello and give you a hug but
you can't hug anyone because Annoying won't let you
Instead Annoying punches you so hard in the stomach
you have to run to the bathroom to throw up
You're so humiliated and upset
but there is nothing you can do because Annoying is not a person
Anxiety has no face

When I tell you that I am exhausted
I am not over exaggerating
I really am exhausted
I work, run errands, spend time with my family
but that isn't what exhausts me
I live with a disorder that has no respect for me whatsoever
When it creeps up on me
it is unexpected
It wraps it's arms around my neck so tightly that I can't even breathe
When it happens no one knows it is happening except for me
Sometimes the invisible strangulation goes on for hours
Try being in the middle of work when that happens
Try typing on the computer
Try serving drinks
Try cleaning a room with someone's arms wrapped around your neck
not letting you breathe and with every attempt to ignore it
the strangulation gets tighter
What is scary is that it's mental and emotional
I can't do anything about this physically
so I fight the feeling with my mind which is needed for other things
I can't do because the strangulation has my minds full attention
When it finally ends I am left wanting to fall to my knees
and cough until I can catch my breath
If you have ever thought you were drowning
and you struggled to keep you head above actual water
think of the terror you felt
think of the tiredness you felt when you were out of the water
Times that feeling by 100 and that is what if feels like to live with depression

Never stop falling in loves with books
you have read over a million times
Never stop believing in love
even if you are given 1,000 reasons to stop believing in it
Never stop appreciating your family
they may forget to tell you but they truly do love you to the moon and back
Never stop seeing the beauty in everything
because when you do you open doors to negative things that will always leave you sad
Never stop loving those who mean the most to you
for love is the very thing keeping you alive
Never stop being yourself
you may not realize it but people respect you for always being you
Never stop cherishing the moment
you don't want to die missing out on something magical
Never stop speaking out about your depression
continue to show depression who is in control
Never stop making friends
for there are people out there who need a shoulder to cry on
Never stop listening to your heart
no matter how painful your journey is your heart will always guide you to the right place in the end
Never stop being honest
for honesty is rare so be proud to have the courage to speak the truth
Never stop facing your fears and
Never, Ever give up on your dream
for your dream is how you will be remembered when you die

Whenever I feel insecure
you kiss my body from head to toe
Whenever I am sad
you sit with me on our cold kitchen floor
Whenever I am angry
you do your thing and give me space
Whenever I am unsure of myself
you read to me a poem I had once written forever ago
Whenever I am tired
your chest becomes my pillow
Whenever I am sick
our home becomes a Winter wonderland
Whenever I need inspiration
you drop everything and take me out of town
Whenever I am missing someone who has passed on
you listen as I tell endless stories about them
You always open the car door for me
I always wake up to the smell of fresh brewed coffee
Sticky notes with messages are found in random places
and the freezer is always filled with my favorite ice cream
Every "see you later" ends with a kiss
every shower contains an hour of you yelling "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL"
from outside the bathroom door
Every evening is a cuddle session with Bruce Springsteen and wine
When I write you watch me in admiration
When I laugh you light up like a Christmas tree
When I embarrass myself in public
you do a fake fall so people laugh at you instead of me
Whenever I am upset and need to vent
you give me your undivided attention
and even when we fight you never end the night
without saying those three special words

One Monday afternoon
I found a quarter on the sidewalk
the state on it read Illinois
I didn't think anything of it
so I put it in my pocket
I went to the grocery store
I was craving ice cream really bad
I got my change back in quarters
Each one had the state of Illinois on them
I was watching television late that night
distracted by a movie filmed long ago
Out of nowhere my movie was interrupted
by a commercial advertising the sights of Chicago

The next morning while driving to work
I was in a heated discussion with a friend
As I stopped at a red light
the radio blasted that Chicago commercial again
As my week went on it seemed that signs of Chicago were everywhere
On Tuesday we got a shipment of Chicago Cubs merchandise
at the store I work at which was very rare
On Wednesday I got an e-mail newsletter
from my favorite bands website
It said on Saturday at 8 pm
they would be playing in Chicago that night
On Thursday night I closed up the store
and bumped into a man
He said "I'm sorry for my rudeness
us Chicago folk can be clumsy sometimes"
On Friday I booked a flight to go see a friend in New York
halfway into my flight it started to snow
So the plane made an emergency exit
as the captain announced we would be landing in Chicago
I wouldn't be able to go to New York until Saturday
meaning I had to stay the night
I got a room at a hotel
and stayed up all night watching the snow fall outside

Saturday morning Chicago was pure white
no flights were happening that day
I knew I wasn't going home soon
so I decided to explore Chicago
As I was crossing the street to get to a museum
I slipped on some ice
a man about my age caught my fall
and asked me if I was alright
I couldn't give him an answer
he was completely gorgeous from head to toe
After he walked me to the nearest sidewalk
he let me go
After my museum visit
I went to Starbucks for a Peppermint Mocha
In line behind me was that same man
who had me in his arms an hour earlier
We got into a discussion
about things we were passionate about
He wrote songs for a living
while I struggled as a poetry writer
He asked me to write a song with him
I said that I would
We went back to his place and spent the rest of the day
writing as many songs as we could

When the moon greeted the sky
he asked me out to dinner
I was enjoying his company way too much
so I said yes
We ended up going out for pizza and beer
I laughed like I never had before
He walked me back to my hotel
once we were there it started to snow
He asked me if he could see me again
I told him I was leaving town tomorrow
He said "That's a shame"
then gave me his number with a smile so beautiful
Once I was in my hotel room
my laptop set off a ding
I got an e-mail from a publishing company
so I decided to give them a ring
The company wanted to publish me
they liked my style of poetry
They wanted to meet with me right away
I told them that was possible
I asked them where they were located
their response made me freeze like snow
I hung up as I looked outside
to welcome my new home which was now Chicago



As a believer in signs I think when we feel lost the universe has a way of giving us signs to let us know we are on the right track. When we ignore these signs, life has a way of forcing us to pay attention to these signs. This poem is complete fiction but I do believe that the things I mentioned could possibly happy. Chicago is one of my favorite places on earth. I rarely write about it so that is why I chose Chicago as the scene for this poem.

You asked me what I wished for last Christmas

Last December I went to my favorite spot under a pine tree
that held the most Christmas lights
I picked up some snow
held it gently in both of my hands
closed my eyes and said
"I wish for a love so powerful
it's energy is enough to cause an earthquake
A love so beautiful
it is enough to cause me to shed tears of joy in random parts of my day
A love so spectacular
that kisses cause the oceans to sing as the waves crash
A love so pure
that not a **** thing can ruin it
A love so extraordinary
I feel like I am in a constant dream
A love so real
that it makes it impossible for me to breathe"

I blew the snow from my hands
then opened up my eyes
I saw you squinting your face
as I saw snow sitting on your eyelashes
You asked me if I was alright
I told you I was making my Christmas wish
"Some wish" you muttered as you offered me your hand
As soon as I took your hand
I felt the ground shake
When you asked me for my name
my eyes began to fill with tears
You walked me home
and before you left you noticed mistletoe above my front door
You kissed my lips
as my phone began to play a song I have never heard of before

Christmas came, then New Years
Valentines Day too
From March to June we were miles apart
but somehow we made it through
July through October felt like a dream
On Thanksgiving Day you proposed to me over turkey

It is December again
we are under that same pine tree
Your presence still takes my breath away
You're waiting for me to answer your question
I keep going back to that day
I think about my wish
and all of the wonderful things it put us through
I put my arms around your neck
and say "my Christmas wish last year was you"

My husband is an ***
he claims I have no class
He will have a tough time getting to work
when he realizes his truck is out of gas
Maybe he could drive his truck to work
if only he kept his mouth shut
But instead he likes to get under my skin
by purposely ******* me off

When I first showed interest in you
you told me to find someone better
You told me you would end up breaking my heart
and that you could not stand the image of me crying
I didn't understand
You were such a gentleman
You told me yourself that you have never been in a relationship
so how could you know what type of boyfriend you would be
I knew you were keeping a secret
The way you acted sent off signs
After months of being your friend
you finally told me your secret
You told me that you had cancer
You have had it for a year
The day we met was the same day
your doctor told you that you would pass away soon
You also told me that you have been in love with me
since the day you laid eyes on me
You wouldn't allow yourself to be with me
because you didn't think it was fair
to let me fall for someone who was going to die
That was not your choice to make
I loved you before I even knew you were sick
I fell for you even more through our friendship
and the fact that you were sick didn't change how I felt
I kissed you
I kissed you multiple times until you kissed me back
I was determined to make you see that I wasn't going anywhere
Your cancer didn't scare me

It is six months later now
You're confined to your bed
Your cancer has taken over your body
You can't even hold my hand without wincing
I just lay next to you
I'm not sure if I will look into your eyes tomorrow
yet I'm not scared
You have shown me that life will end for us all one day
so embracing the moments is mandatory
Getting lost in moments that won't ever come again is a must
I feel your hand on mine
You feel different
You feel at peace
I turn my head to look at you
You're staring right at me
You smile so perfectly
as God finally sets you free

You're a ******* *****
You're fat
Your smile is disgusting
You make my life a living hell
You're boring
You're too emotional
You were a mistake
My friends were right, you are a *****
You're family is ****** up
You're nonexistent to me
You're mental
Go cut yourself
I never loved you
Your face makes me want to puke
Drop dead
Go **** yourself
Every inch of you is disgusting
Go away
You are one ****** up ****

The last man who claimed to love me at one time said all of those hurtful things to me
Ask me again why I am single
Ask me again why I am so closed off
Ask me again why I am terrified of love

I know you probably don't want me here
I'm sorry I left you at the airport alone
I'm sorry for not answering  your calls
I'm sorry for letting you think I don't love you
The truth is I do love you
and saying that out loud scares the hell out of me
The last guy I said I love you to hurt me
he not only broke my heart but he shattered my self esteem by criticizing my body on social media
and picking at every flaw he once claimed to love
It took such a long time
for me to build myself up from my ex's mean words
If I tell you that I love you
I am allowing the walls around me to fall down
I am exposing a part of me I have hidden away
out of fear of rejection
I didn't plan this
I didn't expect to meet you
and when I did I had no idea I would fall for you
the way that I have
When I cry you don't get mad
you don't tell me what to do
or try to distract me from my tears
You respect my feelings and you just sit in the moment with me without me having to ask you to
It scares me when you tell me I'm beautiful
my ex he never did that and if he did compliment me
it was only to get into my pants
When you tell me I am beautiful
I know you're not just talking about my body
You see things about me no one else takes the time to see
and you adore those things about me
Like that one night during the blackout you came over
and filled my room with candles
and you purposely got the ones that smelled like Christmas trees
and you told me "I know how much you love the smell of pine trees" but I never told you that
so when I asked you how you knew that
you said "I could tell by the way your eyes lit up when we watched The Polar Express for the first time together."
You take time to notice things about me and that makes me uncomfortable because I am used to being ignored
I like how when I drive your car you have that CD labeled "Mandie's Favorites"
and on that disk is every song you ever caught me listening to on repeat
and you always leave money in the cup holder
so I can grab a coffee from Starbucks because you know how much I love my coffee
When you told me you loved me
I got scared and ran away because I am not used to being loved so much
Your actions say it all though
You don't even have to say the words because everything you do screams "I LOVE YOU"
It's like I am always on your mind
and it's amazing that out of all the women in the world
you chose me
I know you are not my ex
You are far from it
I'm sorry for assuming the worst
and holding you up to a negative standard
After some thinking I have come to realize that I love you
I'm in love with you
and there is nothing I can do about it anymore
You're everything I want
You broke through my walls without me noticing
You see my flaws and love them without fear
I don't want to be afraid of love
With you I'm not scared of anything
You give me the courage to be fearless
in a way I never have been before
You complete me in every possible way
and if I could spend the rest of my life with anyone
it would be you

People say we are crazy
they say it is strange that we never fight
We do fight, we bicker, we disagree
we just happen to fight in person instead of on Facebook

They say we should get married
we act like a married couple so we might as well tie the knot
We do want to get married
We will marry when we are ready to not because the world thinks that we should

They say you should be more romantic and buy me things
I don't want expensive dinners and diamonds
You know that about me
You are romantic
They don't know about the dances in the rain
or that one time we flew all the way to Chicago in the winter time
just so you could kiss me in the snow because you knew that is all I wanted for Christmas

They say I never talk about you or show you off on social media so I must be unhappy
I am happy
I love how you wear Mickey Mouse ears just to make me laugh,
how you memorized my favorite One Direction song
so you can sing it to me out of tune while I am doing the dishes
I love coming home from work and seeing the house cleaned because you know I hate messes
I don't have time to post every detail about you on the internet because I am too busy spending time with you

I really love it when someone sees you at the bar with some girl
and they immediately think you're cheating on me
when in reality the girl you were with was your sister and you both were waiting for me to leave work so we could all go to dinner together

It is funny how people can be so nosy and judgmental about things they know nothing about
It does not matter though
We love each other so much
We prove it to each other everyday without the internet's help
We are madly in love with each other
That is all that matters.

I woke up at 3 am unable to go back to sleep
I did not want to be in bed alone
I wanted you right next to me
I could have sent you a text
maybe a phone call would have been good
But I am a hopeless romantic
so I did what every girl should
I put on a pair of jeans
slipped on some sandals and grabbed my keys
It was sprinkling outside
so I grabbed a hoodie too big for me that it almost touched my knees
I drove over to your place
not sure if you would be awake
As I pulled up to your house
I saw you sitting outside as if you were waiting for me
You stood up as I got out of the car
you chuckled as I walked to you
"I COULDN'T SLEEP!" you yelled
As I put my arms around your neck so you could lean down to kiss me
"Me neither" I said
"That is why I am here, I can't seem to sleep without you"
Then without hesitation you led me into your house
where we fell asleep in your bedroom until noon

You are not broken
You are injured
You are strong in the Lord
You will get through whatever challenge comes your way
You are clothed in strength
You have God on your side
His love for you will never fail

I have no idea what you look like
but I know you are flawlessly beautiful
I have never touched you
but I can feel your arms around me as I sleep
I have never heard your voice
but I hear the sweet things you whisper to me
I have never spoken to you in person
but I know that I can trust you with anything
I do not know what makes you tick
I do not know what kind of music you are into
I do not know anything about you
All that I know is you're from the future
You're my soul mate who is waiting for me
and until we meet I will continue to search for you
so that when we meet in person
I can show you this poem to prove I have loved you before I met you
and I will continue to love you even after I die

I do not want to be told I love you anymore
People say that way too much and half the time they do not even mean it
It is to the point that I do not even believe in that anymore
Instead of saying I love you
Tell me I complete you
Tell me I am perfect to you just the way that I am
Tell me that I matter to you
That would be enough

I used to know what I wanted to be when I grew up
For as long as I could remember
my dream was to be a writer
I always thought I needed to know the future in order to be happy
Now that I am at the age where I can work hard to be anything I want to be
I am starting to see how wrong I was
I can be a writer
I can be a model
I can be a mother
I can spend all of my time working my *** off if I wanted to
Working all of the time became an addiction like cutting
There was no time to enjoy anything
I was so busy putting pressure on myself
that I forgot how to live in the moment
All of the hours I spent working
All of the time I spent trying to be the perfect adult was a waste of time
Life was passing me by and I was missing it
Working is a good thing
however there is more to life than work
It is okay to not know what to do with your life
No one has their **** together
Age does not mean anything
Take time to enjoy yourself
Take time to just be
Take time to do what makes you happy
Life is unfair and difficult
but life has a way of falling perfectly together in a way you never dreamed of
Working is a necessity but so is happiness

She said "I just want to make an impact on the world. I want to feel like I matter. I want to make a difference. I want to feel like my presence makes someone else's life a little bit better."

He said " Oh honey, if you knew how much of an impact you make on this world you would be terrified. You matter so much it is upsetting that you do not see that. You make a difference everyday just by being you and trust me when I say your presence does more than make someone else's life better. Your presence is enough to cure a grown man's anxiety attack, your presence is the light in someone's darkness and every time I have the pleasure of being in your company I am amazed with who I see. Every moment with you is an adventure that I wish would never end. Believe me when I say that if you ever went away, hearts would break and the world would grieve until the end of time."

He took off his shirt
I took off mine
He took me into his arms and put me on our bed
He touched me in places I never knew were there
As he kissed my lips
I ran my fingers through his hair
As he put himself into me
I shivered in fear
He asked me if I was alright
I shook my head yes
We made love for hours
we tossed and turned all over
By six in the morning I fell asleep for what seemed like forever
I woke up to the smell of french toast he was cooking in the kitchen
I left our room naked
I wanted more of him
I hugged him from behind
he turned around, grabbed my face and kissed me
We made love on the kitchen floor
screaming and moaning as the french toast burned

It was a rainy day
I had no plans but I got dressed up and went down the street to my favorite cafe
Something told me that today was going to be a great one
I did my hair
put on some makeup
I put on my favorite dress
I wore the cutest pair of flats I own
I didn't care if the rain messed them up
I walked to the cafe allowing the rain to tangle my hair
mess up my makeup and soak my dress
I ordered my favorite beverage
A caramel latte
I sat in my cold dress next to a window
watching as the rain drops formed into music notes to a song only my eyes could read
As soon as I went to take a sip of my latte
it happened
I heard a jingle
signaling that someone had stepped into the cafe
I looked up and there he was
5.6, dark hair, brown eyes
a smile bright enough to light up the darkest sky
He too was wet from the rain
I could tell he walked to the cafe but his body language proved that he didn't seem to mind the rain
He sat at a table across from me
next to a window looking at raindrops
He spoke his order to the waitress
stared at the window
then looked at me
We stared at each other for what seemed like five minutes
it was impossible to look away
The waitress brought him his drink
he picked it up, stood up
and took a seat right across from me
He asked me "what are you drinking?"
I replied "a caramel latte, you?"
With a smile that made my heart stop
he answered "a caramel latte."

Let's sit on this park bench together
and watch the people go by
We can dip our french fries into our ice cream
as we laugh while we cry

Let's swing on the swing set
and sing obnoxiously out loud
We can lean back as far as we can
until we feel as light as the clouds

Let's lay side by side on the grass
and chase butterflies with our eyes as we hold hands
We can cherish the moment
where we pretend to be children again

We are all so quick to fall in love because we want to be in love so badly. If we rush things instead of allowing things to unfold as they should, we are missing out on so many things. We have this idea stuck in our heads that if we do not do certain things now then they will never happen. Not everyone is meant to find the love of their life at sixteen. Some do not find their soulmate until they are well into their thirties, if not older. There is nothing wrong with that. Not everything has to happen now. If you rush things, you are missing out on moments that will never come again. STOP RUSHING! Enjoy where you are. Enjoy this very moment because this moment will never ever come again. If you are meant to be with a certain someone, it WILL happen eventually. If it turns out you and a certain someone are not meant to be, it is because the one you are meant to be with is still out there. Every heartbreak you go through is preparing you for the one you get to spend the rest of your life with. Everyone has a love story. Why rush your love story? The best love stories are the ones that are not rushed, are not forced and are not planned.

He has always had this look in his eyes since the very first day we shook hands

He quotes parts of my favorite movies when he tries to make a point
He bakes the only type of cookies I will eat even though he cannot stand the taste of them

He does my laundry without asking me first so I have one less thing to worry about during the day

When I am sad he sings songs to me that his friends would laugh at him for

I went to borrow a sweater from his bedroom weeks ago and noticed that it smelled just like Fall, which is my favorite scent in the whole wide world

Even though he cannot stand sleeping with the lights on he never goes to sleep without turning on the Christmas lights in the living room because he knows how much they make me smile

On Halloween he dressed up as Jack Skellington and gave me a rose that smelled like a snowflake

On rainy days we sit outside watching the lightening even though he is terrified of it

On a game of truth or dare we were dared to share a kiss and when I leaned in to complete the dare, he backed away and said "Not like this"
On my birthday in July he took me to a rooftop where there was pizza and wine

The time on my phone said 8 o'clock

He took my hand and said "I am in love with you"

I squeezed his hand lightly and said "Me too" as we shared our first kiss

On Christmas 2014 my Christmas wish was for it to snow. It never snows in Bullhead City, Arizona so the chances of snow were basically nonexistent.

On Wednesday, December 31, 2014 at 10:40 am it snowed.

Don't you dare tell me that wishes do not come true.

Be nice to the wallflowers for they know all of your secrets. The kind of secrets that can ruin a person.