Amanda Michelle Sanders

Amanda Michelle Sanders Jul 2019

Suicide
Now that's something I haven't thought about in a long time
yet lately it's all I think about
I think about that moment when I can end it all
All of the pain I feel inside will just disappear
and I can finally have the peace I so desperately crave
Lately I feel so empty
I feel like I've run out of love that use to fill my soul
to the point I had no choice but to share it
Now I'm empty
and it scares me
My passions have faded away
My longing for human touch has turned into a stone wall
that I fear Jesus can't even break through it
All my dreams are now in bedded into tears
that claw at my face during moments I should be laughing
The pain I feel lately is so new to me
and I don't know how to make it go away
It stabs at me like a million knives butchering away
and I'm left fighting for my life as I bleed to death
I'm crawling to nowhere and when I've had enough
and I feel like I can no longer breathe I fall asleep
not giving a **** if death has plans to claim me
Then I get up and I relive the pain all over again
Some might read my work and think
"**** this woman is so selfish
there is absolutely nothing that horrible going on in her life
to make her feel this way"
Maybe they're right
Maybe I am selfish
If they could only step into my skin and feel all that I feel
they wouldn't be able to handle it
Maybe they could
I don't know
What I do know is I am tired of fighting
I'm so sick of fighting my way through
just to end up where I started many years ago
To think this battle for my life and sanity
started when I was just 13 years old
If you told me that this would still be my battle 14 years later
I would have laughed in your face
Suicide it's like an evil that leaves a note on your door
in your weakest moments
"Can I take your life now please check yes or no"
I check no every time
but I've been tempted to check yes
Just when I think I'm close to doing it
I suddenly feel this burst of pain that almost burns my insides
I close my eyes as I curl into a ball
and I see flashes of battles I've won in the past
I see myself with metaphorical swords
and I see my negative thoughts with heartbeats going down
one by one
As I scream in pain I am reminded that I am alive
I have a purpose and I won't find it crawling on the ground
So I pick up my sword and I fight
Every negative comment I recieve I slash in two
Every hand that has ever been laid on me leaving a bruise
I chop to pieces
Every negative experience that tried to **** me I slash it's throat
and I fight
and I FIGHT
AND I FIGHT because I am a warrior
and warriors don't give up
I may be bleeding from places I never knew I could
but I'm breathing
My muscles may be sore all over
but I'm standing
My thoughts can shout out all of the reasons
as to why I should give up
but I'm still here
I choose life
I choose to live
I choose to hold my sword tightly
and use it as a reminder of how far I've come
My scares may be ugly
but they resemble the darkest parts of hell I've faced
and overcome
My heart may be bruised a bit
but it's my compass to my next journey
and it's still beating like it's never been hit
Suicide can leave me as many notes as it wants to
my answer will never change
I'll scream it if I have to
"Can I take your life now please check yes or no"
I check no

WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: July. 20, 2019 Saturday 6:35 PM

Amanda Michelle Sanders May 2019

I Kissed Him On the Lips At 4:05 am

I called him around midnight asking him to come over
I said "I don't mean to bother you but I'm feeling blue and
we don't need to have *** but I need some kind of human touch
before I go insane"
He didn't hesitate and he was at my door by 12:15 am
I opened that door so quick I thought I was losing it
I wrapped my arms around him and he held me tight
I took in his scent and closed my eyes
and as his hands gently caressed my back
I felt all of my anxiety melt away
I didn't want him to let go of me
I wanted him to stay
We laid on my bed our legs intertwined as we were face to face
I was in my underwear and t-shirt
he was in his jeans but I could feel that he wanted me
I asked him "do you want to have *** with me?"
He put his left hand on my face and said
"I won't lie
I absolutely want to have *** with you right now
but that's not all I want
I want to wake up and make you coffee as you sleep in
but it's my bed I want you to wake up in every morning
I want to walk on the beach like we sometimes do as the sun sets
but I want to be able to hold your hand and tell you how beautiful
I think you look when the wind forces your hair to be out of your face
I want to argue with you when you're being irrational
and when you tell me to leave I'll say no because I don't run away
from what I truly want even when things get difficult
I want to kiss you in the rain
and hold you in my arms while we watch movies on the couch
I want to be able to tell you each and every day how incredible
I think you are even though you don't think so
and one day I'd like to give you my last name so I can spend
the rest of my life making you laugh and smile
If I can't have any of that with you
then I don't want to have *** with you"
I looked at him then kissed him on the lips at 4:05 am
it felt like the most natural thing in the world
I didn't feel scared, doubtful or insecure
I felt safe, confident and in love
I turned over and put his arm around my waist
I told him how I liked my coffee
and as he snuggled closer to me
I could feel the smile on his face

WRITTEN BY:Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: May. 26, 2019 Sunday 10:45 pm

Amanda Michelle Sanders Mar 2019

Love Letter To My Poetry

I missed you
I know that we haven't spoken in awhile
and that's my fault
When my soul is in agony
I have a tendency to lock myself away from the world
because I fear that my emotional pain
is too much for anyone to handle
That's not how it used to be with us though
When I was sad I came to you
You would hold your arms out wide
as I fell into them
You would hold me as I cried against your shoulder
When my arms were stained red from bleeding
after tearing up my arms with a razor
you were there to wrap my arms in bandages
and you would kiss my wounds as if
kissing them would make them disappear
I told you my deepest secrets
and you've kept every one
I shared with you my darkest thoughts
and you never grew afraid of me
You loved me when my stomach was hungry
because I refused to eat when I thought 145
pounds was too fat
I was rotting away in every way possible
yet you managed to breathe life into me every time
I remember when I first told you I wanted to **** myself
you took my hand and squeezed it hard
You reminded me that the air I was breathing was a gift
and to never take it for granted
You found me when I was broken
You shared my journey and hit rock bottom
every time I did too
When I was too angry to talk to you
you never got upset
You waited patiently for me to come to my senses
We spent every moment together
You were my life line at one point
but as time went on and I got better
we began to drift apart
Everyday conversations turned into every other day
which turned into every other week
and eventually into every other month
Then a year passed and we didn't speak once
I felt guilty about it
but I felt like I didn't need you anymore
I thought the universe brought us together
because it knew I was in pain
I had no one to turn to
and you gave me everything
I knew how to love you in sadness
but no clue how to love you in happiness
I missed you to the point I felt lost
as if a part of me had died
Then in the blink of an eye on a great Sunny day
I found you waiting for me
with a big smile on your face
I ran up to you and took your hand
and my heart immediately knew
that through the good times and the bad times
I was meant to be with you
As I sit here writing this out
tears are slowly streaming down my face
It feels so good to share with you everything I feel
as if we were back in that place
that walk in closet in the house on 28th street
where 12 years ago you found me
I fell in love with the greatest thing on earth
I fell in love with writing poetry

WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: March. 14, 2019 Thursday 4:49 PM

Amanda Michelle Sanders Feb 2019

YOU ARE ENOUGH (Part Two)

I'm going to tell you something that I feel
is the most important thing I can tell anybody
YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH
You are more than good enough
I know people are tired of hearing me say it
but I will never stop until it's imprinted so deeply in your mind
it almost becomes the only thing you can think about
You are good enough
You are beautiful
You are handsome
You have a heart of gold
The love you have deep inside you is not a curse
You have a purpose on this earth
Your life matters
It more than matters it is needed
You were created to fulfill a purpose on this earth
and anyone you meet on your journey through life
that can't grasp how incredibly amazing you are
then they got to go
They serve no purpose for you
You deserve to be seen
You deserve to be heard
You deserve to be complimented
You deserve to be cared for
You deserve to be respected
You deserve to be acknowledged
You deserve to be loved
If you are constantly giving to the point
you're beginning to feel empty
then something needs to change
You deserve to be treated with the same compassion
you give out to other people
You don't need to beg for it
You're not a bad person because you want to be treated
like you matter
You are not a bad person for wanting to be loved
and treated like greatness
It doesn't have to be from someone romantic
If someone cares for you they will never cause you
to question where you stand in any of your relationships
be it family, friendship or romantic
Hear me again
and if it makes you feel uncomfortable good
It's clear you don't hear this enough
and that needs to change starting today
You are important
You matter
You deserve love
You don't have to change who you are
for people to accept you
The people who truly respect you
are never going to try to change you
You deserve to be around people
who make you feel great about yourself
all of the time
You are enough
You are enough
YOU ARE ENOUGH

WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: February. 18, 2019 Monday 6: 06 PM

Amanda Michelle Sanders Feb 2019

Her and No One Else

He is troubled
He is in love with a woman he believes
is too far out of reach
All he has to do is reach out
and she will gladly take his hand in hers
He watches her from afar
and every time she smiles his heart
skips so many beats to the point it hurts
He adores the way she sips her coffee
as if it's the best thing she's ever tasted
He wants to change that
by making her fall in love with his kisses
He loves the way she tells stories
meant to be five minutes long
She always gets distracted by another memory
and he doesn't mind it at all
He likes how he feels when he's around her
he doesn't have to be anyone other than himself
He can let down his walls
and nothing else matters
He watches her put on her jacket
and he wants to be the one to keep her warm
He wants to take her in his arms
and never let her go
He wants the sound of her voice
to never leave his ears
He wants to keep her laughing so hard that
she has no choice but to fall against his shoulder
and when she does he will get goosebumps
from her touch and he won't mind at all
He is in love with this woman
He wants her or no one at all

WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: February. 8, 2019 Friday 3:26 AM

Amanda Michelle Sanders Jan 2019

Goodbye For Now (Maybe)

I've been doing some thinking
and I've come to the decision
that it's time I let you go
We broke apart a long time ago
We tried to fix what was broken
but we can't
We are not a good match
We only continue to disappoint each other
instead of make each other proud
You are so convinced that you are unworthy to be loved
and the more I love you
the more I get hurt because you push me away every time
I can't make you accept my love
I can't open your eyes and force you to see
that everything you want is standing right in front of you
I can't keep loving someone
who clearly doesn't love me back
I thought with time apart
we would get a better understanding of what went wrong
so maybe we could mend things
The truth is we outgrew each other
I wanted more
you wanted less
I saw you as the most wonderful human being
one could lay their eyes on
you saw me as not good enough
I loved you passionately
you loved me enough to put a smile on my face
then fear crept in and told you all of the reasons
it wouldn't work out and you listened
I'd like to think we're meant to be
My soul has never collided with another's
so perfectly it was like magic
No one has ever saw into the depths of me
and chose to stay
and love the parts of me that never knew love
Maybe in the future we are different
I won't love so intensely
and you won't be so intimidated
by the fact that someone loves you
without ulterior motive
Maybe over time we will find our way back to each other
but until then I have to let you go
I love you with every piece of my existence
I promise you that will never change

WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: January. 31, 2019 Thursday 2:55 AM

Amanda Michelle Sanders Jan 2019

In Case You Were Wondering

Another night without you
lying here wishing I had you next to me
Another star goes by
I make a wish and hope with all my heart
it comes true
I've never wanted anything or anyone
as badly as I want you
I know that I'm probably not on your mind
but you're on mine all the **** time
If you ever feel alone
if you feel your world coming undone
Don't ever think for a second
that nobody loves you
If you're doubting your existence
don't let your mind tell you that you don't matter
Someone out there wants you to know
how special you are
In case you were wondering
that person is me
If I could give you anything
I'd give you my heart
I'd give you the moon
the stars
even heaven itself
I love you so much
in case you were wondering

WRITTEN BY: Amanda Michelle Sanders
WRITTEN ON: January. 23, 2019 Wednesday 4:45 PM