I seem to lack the talent of being able to see any beauty within myself
I find everything beautiful
I can look at the sky and describe the clouds in metaphors
that artists could turn into a masterpiece
I can look at my best friend and tell her how she is the image of the sun,
the moon, a field of roses and the stars combined into a human being that is absolutely flawless
I can look at the man I love and spend hours telling him how he was created with intense love and that everytime he smiles my heart literally feels like it is going to beat right out of my chest
I can look at my nieces and tell them over and over again as I kiss their precious faces how they are beautiful angels with wings so big and hearts so pure that one day their beauty is going to take the breathes away from so many people
I can look at my mother and see all of the hell she has been through in her lifetime and still be able to tell her how she is a beautiful walking story of inspiration and that if she did not exist in my life my whole world would not make sense
I can find beauty in a stranger and see qualities they probably never even knew they had
I look at me and all I see is disappointment
I see failure
I see ugliness
I see a waste of space
I see someone who is like an annoying dog who everyone likes to tie up outside and forget about
I see anxiety and depression and the state of isolation it causes me on days I can't function with the world
I see someones who will always be disgusting no matter what I do
no colors of hair dye,
no shades of lipstick,
no pounds shed off of my body,
no plastic surgeries,
nothing will make me beautiful because I'm not beautiful
I try to see what other people see and I can't
My view in the mirror is like a rainy day full of gray and pain and
my view of anyone else is like looking at the ocean as the sun sets and
I can't stop because everyone else is so beautiful
If I'm not ugly as everyone claims
then I must have broken eyes

I need you
I need you to not get angry with me
when I am feeling an emotion you don't understand
I need you to be patient with me
I have no clue what is going on with me
I have no idea why I get so upset for no reason
I need you to not judge me
When I gain the courage to tell you something is bothering me
don't tell me to get over it because I can't
I need you to not yell at me when I am not making sense
yelling at me only scares me and makes me think that I am bothering you therefore I shut down
I need you to hug me
I know all of the advice tips already
sometimes I just need to feel okay instead of being told that I am okay
I need you to listen to me
I don't want to hear about mistakes I am making when I feel like one every **** day
I need you to encourage me
This battle is so lonely
it's scary
it's uncomfortable and I need someone to cheer me on
I need someone to tell me that I am doing alright
I need you to not shut me out
when my anxiety is too intense and I don't have the energy
to express how I truly feel I need you to not walk away
and treat me like I am some disgusting human being you wish you had never met
I need you to reassure me that you are there for me
even though you have no idea how to make me feel better
I need you to not give up on me
I know I am difficult and I am nothing like you wished I would be
but the truth of the matter is I have depression and anxiety
I didn't choose this
Why would I choose this?
I didn't choose the life of racing thoughts,
marks on my skin,
obsessions about things that shouldn't even be an obsessions,
always questioning people's words and actions,
not being able to leave the house without feeling like I want to throw up,
sleepless nights because of **** that happened years ago
I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS!
I DO NOT WANT THIS BUT THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!
I AM TRYING TO BE NORMAL!
I AM TRYING MY BEST TO BE BETTER BUT I CAN'T DO THIS BY MYSELF!
I NEED YOU!
Please...I need you...

You know that feeling you get sometimes
where it feels like you want to explode?
You feel the need to burst and it's not because you're angry
you just have this sudden creative urge to say something
be it through writing, music, art, photography, etc.
It's the feeling that makes holding a cup of coffee in the morning difficult because your hands are shaking,
it's the feeling you get when you hear a song you really like on the radio and you can't help but dance to it,
or the feeling you get when you see your lover wearing a specific shirt that makes him look so **** and all you want to do is rip his clothes off wherever you are and just break free?
You think you are going crazy but you're not.
That feeling you feel,
that burning, can't sit still, aching need to express yourself
is not a sign of craziness.
That's passion!
When it knocks on the door to your heart you need to let it in,
give into it,
let it guide you,
let it teach you,
let it change you,
let it take you on the best adventure you have ever been on.
If you choose to ignore your passion
it's voice will get louder and louder.
It demands to be heard and it demands to be set free.
Passion is a lot like love.
It finds you when you least expect it,
it fills your heart with happiness
and it changes you for the better.
Do not ever try to quiet your passion.
Embrace it, make love with it, fire it up and let it do it's wonders.
Let it open you up to possibilities you never thought existed.
You were given your passion for a reason.
Do not let fear of failure or the opinions of others have control of it.

She is like the snow
cold yet beautiful
She is like the sun
hot but her smile warms your heart
She is like the rain
sad yet she keeps going despite the heaviness she carries
She is a volcano ready to erupt
not with anger but with passion
She is like a star
invisible yet always there
She is like the wind
annoying yet she blows peoples minds
She is laughter
the kind of laughter that makes it hard to breathe
She is fire
she seems dangerous but has skills most people overlook
She is a dream
the kind of dream you never want to wake up from
She is madness
but she can relate to all kinds of hell
She is strange
yet safe like a strong hug
She is insecure
but she takes risks everyday
She is the song that you listen to on repeat
she is the dreamer everyone wishes they could be
She is perfection in God's eyes
she is me

I honestly believe that whenever I am around people
they are silently wishing for me to go away
I look at their faces as I speak and underneath their smiles
I can see that annoyed look that people get
when they desperately want someone to shut up
When I am alone and away from people
I feel like the ones I love are happier and more alive
I think I drain people
I think the sight of me and the sound of my voice
is equivalent to nails on a chalkboard
Sometimes I imagine how much better off the world would be
without me in it
The thought makes me sad
I don't want to die but I am so tired of feeling like I am upsetting everybody in my life
I feel like a loser
a nobody
I can't express how I feel because people either think I am being ridiculous,
looking for attention
or some other kind of *******
I can't help the way that I feel
I get that on the outside looking in I am difficult to understand
I don't understand myself either
I try so hard to love myself but I can't
Sometimes I think I only try to love myself to please others
It's not that I don't want to love myself
I am incapable of doing so
I guess I am just tired
I'm tired of fighting with my mind
I'm tired of fighting with my self esteem
I am tired of giving my all and getting nothing return
I don't want an award or anything magnificent
It would just be nice for someone to tell me that they like having me around
or that they are proud of me for sticking around despite my constant thoughts telling me to go **** myself
I just want my existence to matter
I don't think that's an awful thing to want

There is a reason we go through the things that we do
There is a reason why we meet the people we meet
Whether we understand those reasons or not
in the end they shape us into who we are
When things go to **** we have two options
We can be victims
or we can be warriors
Who are you going to be?

I have spent so long protecting myself from getting hurt
that I have no idea how to let anyone love me
the way I deserved to be loved.