I have figured out my problem
at least I would like to think that I have
I have an odd obsession with time, age,
and things that have gone wrong in my past
I am so terrified of the past repeating itself
I can't enjoy the present moment
I am so unsure of what I want for my future
so I just sit around worrying about it
I need to understand that I have time to figure things out
I know I am not guaranteed a tomorrow
but I can't spend all of my time stressing
I am twenty-three years old
I can't expect myself to have all of the answers
yet I do
When I remind myself of my age
I feel guilty and angry for not being as far in life
as most people my age are
It is my fault for being where I am
I don't want all of the normal things most people want
I want to travel and see the world
not stay stuck at home raising babies
I made a promise to myself a long time ago
that I wouldn't be like everyone else
I wasn't going to allow myself to feel stupid
for wanting other things people think are impossible
I broke that promise
by breaking that promise I allowed myself
to open the door to a past I was
trying so hard not to repeat
I let my depression get the best of me
I let other people's doubts come between me and my dreams
I looked through the eyes of someone who never dared to dream
and I died
At least I thought that I had died
I stopped believing in things that
only happen in movies and I was miserable
Maybe I am crazy and immature to believe in such silly things
at least I believe in something
The world through my eyes may look silly
but at least I have a reason to get out of bed every morning

Writing gets way more personal
Imagination moves at full speed
No anxiety
Every part of my body feels like it is in a jacuzzi

Caramel Macchiato flavor
Overwhelming feelings are at a standstill
Family is more tolerable
Friends are more entertaining
Early mornings are the best time to be outside
Enjoying the sunrise

Problems find solutions
Off days turn out to be the biggest blessings
Eerie thoughts are heard
Time does not exist
Raw and unfiltered
You learn a little more about yourself with each poem that you write

It's three in the morning
I have to ***
I go ***
I go back to bed
I am wide awake now
I'll play my Inside Out game on my phone
I used up all of my lives
I have to wait for them to reload

It's four in the morning
I am still wide awake
I'll read random status updates on facebook
I come across a woman I met once or twice back in high school
she's married and has two boys under the age of three
WOW!
She's two years younger than me
and she already has so much to show for it
What about me?
I am twenty-three and I don't even own a car
how embarrassing
I need to distract myself
Another profile of someone my age who is far in life
she is really pretty too
How come at twenty-three I look so old but this woman looks sixteen?
She is thin too
How come the only time I come close to being thin
is when I have an eating disorder
GOD LOOK AT HER TEETH!
How come she was blessed with straight teeth and I wasn't?
Why was I made to be an ugly duckling?
I feel depressed now

It is five in the morning
I'll go back to sleep
I lie down
I close my eyes
I cuddle close to my boyfriend hoping the touch of him
will make me feel better
He went to dinner last night with his family
he said he was broke and couldn't pay for dinner
but they told him it was no problem
His sister made a comment about my facebook posting
she knows what her brother is up to
because I post about every part of our day
What we do, what we watch, what we eat
WAIT!
How can he afford to buy me wine
but not be able to pay for dinner with his family?
They're probably thinking he's lying
Now they're going to be mad at him and its all my fault
Why do I post so much on facebook?
The world doesn't care about what I eat for breakfast
The world doesn't care about my "deep thoughts"

It's five-thirty in the morning
I posted a throwback picture of my 22nd birthday yesterday
That was a good day
Balloons, pizza, cake
One of my gifts was a laptop
The soul purpose of that gift was so I can skype with an ex
who was away at college
He never called that day to wish me a happy birthday
he claimed he forgot about it
How do you forget the birthday of the one you claim to love?
Am I that easy to forget?
I remembered everything about him
I knew the name of every medication
he took on a daily basis for his bipolar disorder
but he couldn't remember my birthday?
This is the same person who ditched me at prom
for a party two months prior
I was silly for thinking he could be considerate for one day
WAIT!
This was three years ago
WHY DOPES THIS EVEN MATTER???!!!!
My head hurts
I am tired
I am depressed
I can't stop thinking

It is six in the morning
I need to get up now

That's the thing though. I don't give a flying **** about what other people think about me. I refuse to waste any more time giving pleasure to those who live to see me fail. I am well aware I am a chaotic, mentally ill, obsessed with words, etc. but at the end of the day I wouldn't live my life any other way.

Five years ago I fell in love

I met a man with blondish hair,
blue/green eyes
and a smile that could make any human heart race like crazy
I had no idea that man I met would come into my life and stay

Four years ago I fell in love

I developed a crush on the same man I met
but his heart was taken by another woman
I had it set into my mind that because of this
I would never get the chance to be with him
Little did I know that fate had other plans

Three years ago I fell in love

This man and I became the best of friends
We have long conversations about topics most people in the world choose to ignore
We laugh all of the time
and when something good happens in my life
he is the first person I want to tell

Two years ago I fell in love

This man told me a secret
one that would only make me fall for him even more
I found that I could trust him with things
that I never had the courage to share with other people
I started to get to know this man on a deeper level
and I saw a side of him that made me want to do nothing but kiss him

One year ago I fell in love

My feelings for this man were getting stronger
It was to the point I couldn't be in the same room with him
without wanting to pour my heart out to him
My fear of rejection and opening up my heart
after being hurt so many times was beginning to cause conflict
I wanted to take the risk
but I was stuck

Four months ago I fell in love

I couldn't hold back any longer
so I told that man how I felt
When he confessed that he felt the same way
all of the fear I was carrying vanished
I felt free

This morning I fell in love

I am looking at the man I fell in love with five years ago
and it still feels like I am looking at him for the first time
Every minute spent with him is a blessing
Every day I get to kiss him and hug him
is another day I get to spend being grateful that this man
is a man who has chosen to love me
This man broke down all of my walls with a simple "hello"

This very minute I am falling in love
and in a second I will be falling in love all over again

It is so hard to grow into a better person
when I have so many people reminding me
of who I used to be.
Three years ago I was sad,
obsessed with my weight,
lonely,
bitter,
angry,
terrified
and withdrawn.
I was a lot of things I wish I never was.
It's hard being in a good mood after you hit rock bottom
when you have no idea of who you truly are,
when you're basically lost it is not easy to be happy,
social,
open,
confident
and kind.
I have worked really hard to be comfortable with who I am.
I feel a change within myself that has brought me true peace.
The kind of peace you read about in motivational quotes
all over the internet.
I don't want to stay in bed sleeping my life away anymore,
I don't want to feel guilty for eating a sandwich,
I don't want to be uncomfortable around people,
I don't want to be cold hearted,
upset all of the time,
held back,
defensive,
rude and closed off from the world.
I want to be free from those things,
I want to feel good in my skin,
I want to be embraced for who I am now
not for the person that I used to be.
You have no idea how challenging it is to change
after engaging in certain habits for so long.
Do not be afraid of who I am becoming
be proud of me
I may not like to admit it
but I need you now more than ever.

I am looking forward to the day
when I will stop being judged
just for breathing.