I am at my wit's end
I just want to shut down and hide from the entire world
I can't continue ******* people off
I can't keep talking about my problems
to sort out emotions as I feel them
I can't keep reaching out to people
who have their lives on track
It's not fair for me to cause stress for other people
I can't even describe how I feel anymore
It's more than depression
It's worse than anxiety
It's something unknown
It isolates me
It confuses the **** out of me
It causes me to feel out of my skin
to the point I want to rip myself apart
I don't want to discuss it
I don't want to see a doctor for it
I just want it to go away
The possibility of me being dead by thirty does not surprise me
I am starting to understand the peace those suicide "experts" talk about
The peace
when you make the choice to die
how all of your emotional turmoil just disappears
Maybe I am becoming suicidal again
I don't know
I am so through with thinking
I don't want to die
but I can't keep living a life full of dead ends

I understand what it's like to be in your shoes
I totally get feeling like an outcast to society
You can't walk anywhere without being judged
For as long as you could remember you knew you were different
you just never imagined yourself to be as ******* up as you are
Some days are so unbearable you just want to end it all
you're sick of talking about it
you're sick of trying to distract yourself from the way it makes you feel
Suicide seems like a good answer
yet you can't bring yourself to do it
Why is that?
If we are so unhappy here, then why do we choose to stay?
Why not end the suffering?
It's that tiny flicker of possibility
that keeps us from making the worst choice we could ever make
That flicker that says "Wait! Just wait a little while longer!
Something good is bound to happen!
I just know it!
Don't give up yet!"
Don't deny ever feeling that flicker
If you have never felt it then you wouldn't be here right now
If you want something badly enough
you would go after it
Despite your endless emotional pain
there is something else entirely different
waiting to erupt from inside of you
I don't know what that is
only you can answer that question
Whatever it is though
you need to grab it and do something with it
Forget what the world thinks
Imagine all of the things you could do
if there wasn't an outside world telling you
that you couldn't be who you want to be
There is always going to be someone
who tells you that you are not great enough
Tell that person to "*******" and keep going
Who knows you could be writing that persons checks one day


I want to thank my boyfriend Chris for not only inspiring this poem but for always encouraging me to dream big despite what the world thinks. I love you!

I am so tired of being depressed
I don't want to complain to people
about how sad I get sometimes
They don't care
They have their own problems
They don't give a **** about mine
Sometimes it is impossible to leave the house
because the anxiety that comes from being sad
is too much for me to handle
I get so frustrated because it's bad enough I get so sad
to the point that I want to end my life
I hate walking around with the feeling like I am constantly being suffocated
When the sadness and anxiety get to be too much
I just want to give up on myself
I am so exhausted
Do you have any idea what it's like to fight something
that you cannot see?
The criticism from ordinary people with ordinary problems
are so mean
especially when those ordinary people are family members
I look into the mirror sometimes and I am just disgusted
I can see in my eyes all of the emotional ******* I carry
it is enough to make me physically sick
I just want to bury myself in some blankets
and never wake up
I can't even sleep because the stress of my anxiety
likes to keep me awake
I am so angry now
I do not want to ******* deal with this
I am tired
I feel like I am losing my mind
because my head hurts so much
I don't know what the **** to do
I just want to be normal
I want to be a normal woman
with normal emotions,
normal thoughts,
a normal sleep pattern,
normal self esteem,
normal everything!

I am so irritated that even the wind currently blowing outside
makes me want to shoot myself in the face
I can't tell anyone how I feel because they will worry
I don't want people to worry
I want people to tell me I will be okay
because right now I do not feel okay
I feel scared
I feel tired
and I don't know what to do

It is a learning process for me
I am not used to being heard when I need to vent
I am not used to being stopped and kissed unexpectedly
in the middle of the day
I am not used to being put first
I have no idea what it is like to be adored
to the point I am on the verge of tears
I do not know what it feels like to be half naked
and feel comfortable in my skin
I do not know what it is like to be loved by a man

When you spend so long being mistreated
disrespect is what you expect from everyone
I am teaching myself to expect the opposite
It is not easy when my anxiety is always in my ear
whispering all kinds of negative garbage but
I am learning
I am accepting the fact that someone loves me completely
I am facing the fact that someone wants to love me
and most importantly
I am learning to accept that I deserve to be loved so deeply
I am breaking the habit of thinking I deserve to be treated any less

You miss out on so much when you do not take the time to read anything. Sometimes the things your soul really needs to hear are right in front of you. You just won't make the effort to find it and read it.

It makes me so sad when people do not have the courage to dream big. I get that life is not a fairy tale. Life is nothing like the television shows you watch and I understand that life is full of ups, downs, disappointments, heartache, etc. but you have to have something to believe in. You need to find the courage to dream. I cannot stand it when people ask me about my life and the goals I want to reach and when I give them my answer all they can do is wince and tell me to focus on something else. For example: I want to get out of the town I am currently living in. I do not like where I'm at. I would love to be in a bigger city in another state with cooler weather and when I tell someone that, their response is "Well you need to just make the most of where your at. No matter where you go life's challenges are everywhere." What is wrong with me wanting to live in New York, L.A., Seattle hell even London? Do you not think I can live there? I know it cost money to live in places like that but I believe I can have the life I want with hard work, dedication, faith and confidence that I can do it. I understand that things take time and I am not expecting my life to change over night. I may be a dreamer but I also know to pay attention to reality too. I do not appreciate people putting limits on my dreams. I have every right to be bitter and choose not to believe in anything but I will not live like that. I cannot live my life in doubt. I cannot live my life thinking that life is always going to be ****** because my circumstances right now might not be so great. I do not have time to be sad, angry and crushed. I will not be ashamed for dreaming big. I will not put limitations on my dreams. I think I am capable of doing a lot in the world and what I want will not come easy but I have been through hell and back before. Guess what? I am still standing and I think having something to believe in played a huge part when it came to battling past, present and whatever future demons might come knocking on my door. Do not put limitations on my dreams just because you put limitations on yours.

I realized that I love him one random night

We were lying in his bed
my arm wrapped around him
as his hand held mine tightly
I could hear him breathing
I was almost asleep
when the words came out of my mouth in a whisper
"I love you Christopher"
I felt my heart pace
I was sure I was about to have an anxiety attack
until I whispered the words again
"I love you Christopher"
All of the fears that once prevented me
from living the life I wanted suddenly disappeared
All of my insecurities were now burning
in a pit of fire
All of my anxiety melted away
The walls I had built around myself fell down
The chains I wore around my emotional state of mine
just broke free
I began to breathe in air that was just new to me
It was shocking
but exhilarating all at once
I asked myself "Is this real?
Am I really feeling this way?
Do I really love this man?"

I do love him
It sounds so cliche but it's true
Looking at him is like watching a beautiful sunset
at the end of a Summer day
Kissing him is like watching fireworks
on New Years Eve
Holding his hand is like that first sip of coffee in the morning
Hearing him laugh is like running through an endless field of roses
It's beautiful
He is beautiful
The way he makes me feel is so intense
I am convinced it might **** me
Yet I want to feel
I want to feel everything this man causes me to feel
I want to embrace every emotion
I want to soak it all in
I want to breathe it
Sing it
Live it
Allow it to change my life
and brighten up my world
He has renewed my belief in love
he has taught me that I am worthy of love
he has me seeing things from a different perspective

Christopher I love you
I know it may be too soon to hear those words
I would freak out if you spoke those words back to me
but I do love you
I have loved you for a long while
I was too frightened to let myself it