I feel so much pressure
to be at certain places in my life
I am a dreamer
I like to think of the future
but I don't like to stress about it
Fear is a horrible thing to carry around with you
fear prevents you from having any kind of personal peace
Without personal peace
you leave yourself exposed to every negative thing
Negativity can ******* up
so you have to be careful
I just want to live my life
I want to do what I have to do to be a functioning adult
and also not want waste my free time
worrying about things I have no control over
Worrying is not fun
I am not one of those people who does something
because someone thinks I should
I have never been one to follow the crowd
I sure as hell am not going to start now

I hate it when my parents fight
they have been doing it my whole life
Sometimes their arguments don't even make sense
I personally think they get off by fighting
If that is true
I don't understand why people do that
I hate fighting
The very idea of it
stresses me out to the point my stomach feels like
it is in flames
No one seems to care how much the drama stresses me out
How am I supposed to show my face for family fun
when I am dreading the social interaction
I don't want to be uncomfortable around my parents
yet I am sometimes
I could ignore how I feel
but that would cause me to emotionally shut down
Which in turn awakens the constant chaos that already corrupts my mind
I feel like I can't breathe now

"Do you like me?"
was the question I asked you
We were sitting on my bed watching television
and I just had to know the answer to that question
I was so scared to hear your response
I thought you would say "no"
Instead you said "yes"
which made my heart hopeful
I have liked you for quite some time
I never imagined you ever liking me back
I am so used to being rejected
I was sure I would never have a shot with you
It still takes me by surprise that you are my boyfriend
It's all that I think about when we are on a date
Feeling your hand in mine is so surreal
it feels like a kiss from fate
I really enjoy your company
you leave butterflies in my tummy
Your kisses are like that first bite of cheesecake
your hugs are sweeter than honey
I am so blessed to call you mine
you make me so happy
My only hope is that I make you happy too

I was sitting next to him on his couch
watching a television show known as "Family Guy"
A commercial began to play so I decided
to look at him and stare into his eyes
He was quietly scrolling through his phone
unaware of what I was doing
He looked up and asked me what was wrong
and I had no answer to give him
I was speechless
for a moment it felt like the world stood still
Time was eternity
and I could feel myself tearing up
I watched his fingers touch his beard
as his eyes lit up like fireworks
I watched his lips as they formed little smiles
and my heart began to go crazy
He is so beautiful
I know that's strange to say since he is a guy
but he is
He is like a painting
you never want to stop admiring
He is a song you want to put on repeat
and dance to all night long
He is a story in a book you can't finish
because you never want the story to end
He is a dream you never want to wake up from
He is probably sitting there thinking I am crazy
I would be thinking the same thing
If only he could see himself through my eyes
maybe he would think differently

The other day I told my boyfriend I wanted to hurt myself
It was just one of those days where I was really depressed
and I felt like I couldn't handle how I was feeling without
causing physical harm to myself
He stopped what he was doing and held me as I cried for twenty minutes
He never once told me to get over myself
to stop being dramatic or anything like that
He just held me
He listened to me
He took time to try to make me feel better
To be emotionally vulnerable and to be accepted without judgement
was a feeling I have never felt before
It was very liberating
It made me feel closer to my boyfriend in a way
*** could never do

I'm not sure how to explain it
I can't even put it on paper
The man I like is heaven on earth
he is absolutely wonderful
I have wished for someone like him
for the past three years now
He is like a character from a book
that always steals your heart somehow
I lie in bed on nights like tonight
wondering how I got so lucky
A part of me feels like I'm in a dream
so I pinch myself repeatedly
He isn't a dream though
he is as real as the moon in the sky
He is Christmas, rain and England all wrapped into one
and I'm proud to call him mine

Sometimes I get so depressed
that I don't have the energy to pick up and write
Writing is everything to me
It is what has saved me so many times in the past
It is the one thing I turn to when I feel like I am drowning
in my unpredictable sadness
It scares me when the one thing that seems to always save me
is the one thing that I want nothing to do with
when I am at my absolute lowest
That is how I know I am more than just sad
I am in danger of losing my life
That's not easy to confess on paper
or to someone in person