I am driving back to New Jersey
the holidays are now over
I am going to miss sleeping in your arms
and playing in the snow with you for hours
This long distance thing can be so annoying
but it is worth it every time I see you
I just wish we never have to part
because I hate being away from you
I am halfway through my drive
your face is all I keep thinking about
I will not see you for another thirty days
I do not think I can wait that long
I thought this long distance would be good for me
since I am so afraid to get close to anybody
Yet every goodbye makes you sad
and seeing you sad just kills me
A tear falls down my cheek
my heart is aching for you
I know my life is in New Jersey
but I belong in California with you
I quickly turn my car around
not giving a **** if other drivers on the road get ******
I am either all in or all out
I know longer want to be long distance

On Christmas Eve last year, I fell in love with a man who had a brain tumor. He was only given three months to live, but I didn't mind the short time we had together. He was brilliant, he was kind and despite his diagnosis he was adventurous. He didn't allow anything to hold him back. Most importantly, he didn't let his condition change him. Despite the frequent hospital trips, the headaches that never went away and the nausea he felt due to being in so much pain, he continued to laugh. He continued to be himself. He smoked his ****, he cooked his favorite meals. Whenever I tried to help him in any way he would always say "This may be the last time I do this so just let me be." I worried about him a lot but his smile and the choice he made to just live life to the fullest each day I had with him, was enough to make me forget he was sick. He didn't act like he was dying. Some people had a hard time believing he was sick and I think he wanted it that way. Three months came and went. He was still vibrant even though the fear that he might not wake up the next day was always hovering over him. We made it through Spring, Summer, and Fall. Before I knew it we were back in Winter making angels in the snow and getting high underneath the stars. It was Christmas Eve again. We had been together one whole year. The year I spent with that man was the most magical, scary and excruciating year I would ever go through. We spent our anniversary making love, baking brownies, decorating the Christmas tree and smoking **** outside as we watched the snow fall. That night we laid in bed holding hands staring up at the ceiling. He told me how grateful he was to meet me when he did. He said me that I was proof that just when life seems to fall apart, something extraordinary could happen when you least expect it. He thanked me for not treating him like a broken toy but a human being who wanted nothing more than to be normal. In that moment I told him how much I loved him and that my life would never be the same because the love he showed me despite his pain and suffering was the most beautiful, purest and rare love I had ever experienced. I told him that I would never let him be forgotten and that no man could ever take his place. We laid in bed for hours, telling each other back and forth how much we loved each other all the while still holding hands. At 6:13 a.m on Christmas Day, he passed away. I felt his hand gently grasp mine as he took his last breath. I knew that was coming but the pain I felt when I was certain he was gone was unlike anything I had ever felt. My heart broke into a million pieces as I squeezed his hand, hoping maybe his eyes would open up again. As I gained the courage to let go of his hand for good, I kissed him one last time and whispered "Merry Christmas" into his ear. I then thanked God for allowing me to fall in love and spend time with an angel, even if only for a year.

I put some money into a vending machine
I was in the mood for a soft drink
A man about my age was staring at me
I didn't quite know what to think
He walked up to me and said
"Do you realize you just paid 5 euros for that?"
"Is that too much?" I asked
He shook his head yes and chuckled
Feeling so embarrassed
I began to walk away
When he said out loud "Wait!"
He took some keys out of his pocket
and opened up the machine
He gave me back the money I was owed
I told him "You didn't have to do that"
He replied "I know that but I wanted to"
then he kindly smiled

We sat waiting for the bus
as we fell into conversation
He asked me if I was American
I told him that I was
"How are you liking Bristol?" he asked "Is it everything you imagined it to be?"
"Actually no" I answered "It's better than I imagined it."
We conversed about my stay here
I told him I was here visiting a friend
He admitted that he wished he would have met me sooner
because I seemed like an interesting gal
We ended up going for a walk
stopping for a break at St George Skatepark
He asked me if I was looking forward to going back home
I told him that I wasn't
"All you ever hear about is London, Manchester and many others city's
people think those are the only places in England worth getting to know
After being here in Bristol for this entire week
I have falling in love with this place and it will break my heart to go."

After a few seconds of silence he said "Then don't go. Marry me and you won't have to go."
"That is illegal" I replied back in shock
"Not if we never divorce" he said very seriously
"I don't even know you. I met you an hour ago" I said still in shock
"Alright" he told me taking a seat on the ground "Here is what you need to know
I am a bit messy, in fact I am a major slob
however I feel that after living with a woman for some time
that bad habit will eventually stop
I am a huge breakfast person
I could eat breakfast all day
I can cook too so if you are ever hungry just let me know
and I will start cooking away
I have a **** job but I make decent money
I don't live in a mansion or anything but it's a place to live
so either way I am happy
My friends are total idiots, they are in fact a group of arseholes
but they are there for me when I need them and
I know they would love to meet you
I know I am not that good looking but I will treat you right
I will put you first always as long as you never go to bed angry with me at night
I know we have known each other for only an hour
Maybe what I am asking is illegal
but I seem to have fallen in love with you
So marry me and we can work out the legal crap later."

I smoked myself a cigarette
okay maybe five
I thought long and hard about the situation
trying hard not to cry
I didn't even know this man
yet everything about him drove me crazy
How on earth could I marry a man
who barely even knows me
I put out my fifth cigarette
let out a deep exhale
"Okay" I said finally "I will marry you"
He got up off the ground, helped me up and then we started to run
For the first time in my whole existence
it felt like my life had just begun

I was 23 when I got married
I had no idea what I was thinking when I said yes to that man
I am 87 years old now
and I am still in love with him
In our 60 years of marriage he has kept his promise to me
to always put me first
I never go to bed angry at him
and we spend every Saturday afternoon at St. George Skatepark

I can't remember where I came from
It's like I woke up in a world
I have no recollection of entering
Everything is cold
Freezing even
Normally I don't mind the cold
I usually find comfort in it
only this time the coldness is causing me to feel scared
I'm soaked
As if I was swimming yet there is nowhere to swim
I feel concrete underneath my bare feet
I can't see where I am in the dark
With each step I take
I am terrified something will hurt me
Despite my fear I continue to keep walking
until I scream out in pain
Something cut me
I'm bleeding now
I can feel a warm sensation oozing from my foot
It felt like a razor
but I have no way of knowing
Now I am being cut all over my body
with each scream the pain intensifies
I stop screaming as the pain forces me to the ground
leaving me in a ****** mess
I can hear the ticking of a clock
It's faint at first
Then it gets louder
So loud I have to cover my ears
but I can't
I'm in too much pain to move
The clock chimes
I instantly wake up in my bed
I touch myself to see if I'm hurt
Nothing there
I lie in bed trying to catch my breath
as I replay my nightmare over in my head
trying to figure out what it meant

It's strange, sad and amazing to think that no matter how hard you work, how much courage you use to put yourself out into the world that is already consumed with so much hate and despite all of the pressure you feel to hide out of fear of rejection, no matter what you do or how much you try there is always that one person who can still make you feel as small as an ant on the ground and without saying anything they Can make you feel so insignificant. It's heartbreaking that you will never be good enough for some people, even family.

I am getting out of here tonight
I have no plan
I have no idea what I am going to do once I get there
All I know is that I am going to England tonight
I have one carry on bag with me
I have my purse on my right shoulder
a Starbucks latte in my left hand
and my phone in the back of my jeans pocket
I have three minutes to board my flight
or else my chances of escaping are gone
I don't know where I am going to stay once I get there
Right now I don't care
I just need to go
I have a broken heart
A soul suffocating and craving adventure
I need to go to a place where no one absolutely knows me
No one knows my past
No one knows my name
No one knows the secrets I hide
No one will know about my suicide attempt two nights ago
No one will know anything
I have one minute
I am running through the airport now
My latte is pouring all over my hands
I hear my heart beating in my ears
as the rest of the world goes silent
Suddenly!!!! I am in slow motion
ENGLAND
It has been my dream to go there for as long as I can remember
I am almost to the gate
Last call
Do I make it...?

I am pretty certain that you don't love me anymore
I see the way you look at other women
especially her
Your eyes adore her whenever she is in your presence
Your eyes used to stare at me like that
Now whenever you look at me you are disgusted
You are annoyed
I am the last person you want to see
I know for a fact that when you say you're going out with friends
you're secretly meeting up with her
I caught you one afternoon
in the cafe you and I used to go to and sit for hours
locking lips continuously as poets spoke their hearts out in the background
I caught you kissing her
caressing her
showing her attention just like you used to do to me
Everyone knows you're cheating on me
yet no one will say anything
I know that when we *******'re picturing her face but
I am too dumb and weak to think that I deserve better
I must have done something to deserve your betrayal
So like the pathetic ***** I am
I let you treat me like crap
I let you secretly see her and pretend you're with your friends
as I get drunk at home
I believe your lies hoping I will eventually become numb to them
I let you envision her while we are in bed because for some reason
I live to make you happy
I know you will tell me to leave sooner or later
yet a part of me hopes that you won't
I am pretty stupid to let a man treat me this way
Having low self esteem will do that to a person
How utterly pathetic